LDR poly confusion

[Sweetpea]

I have sworn off LDRs for years, but sometimes the heart overrides logic, and now I am feeling the stuff that dreams aren't made of and trying to get my mouth to catch up with my mind.

Enter OB (old boyfriend from college). Reconnected after years of not talking. Then, the last two years, talking on and off, until we finally hit it off in person and had sex. We live a 4.5 hour drive from each other, which in rural Nor Cal is not super unusual, but still, too far for a spontaneous drop-in on a day off.

We'd planned to connect this weekend with other friends, but I am not feeling very close to him after 6 weeks of not in person.

During our time apart, we admitted feelings for each other and also agreed to try a relationship of sorts. No official commitment, just some ideas and irregular texting and some phone calls, mostly initiated by me, and him in response. This we have been hoping to do in person.

Here is what I have gathered. He has been mono for years, with the exception of periods of dating and time with me and some of our mutual friends. He now is fully embracing the idea of poly lifestyle and has made efforts in his relationships to make sure he is clear about his intentions. He is making clear moves in that direction, but still detangling and re-entangling himself with others in his life. He is a single 53-year old man who never married or had kids. He is very comfortable with his career and lifestyle and self otherwise. He is on the vanilla side and wants more in the kink and queer world, but has made little movement into it until recently.

Me, I am part of a long-term marriage that has always been open, with one kid at home still. I am out in most of my worlds, and have been most of my life. My last long-term relationship was a power dynamic and ended well, as we still are friends. After we broke up, I spent most of the last 1 1/2 years getting off of online dating and cutting off my involvement with the kink community so I could focus on myself more. After a good period of cave-dwelling and meditation, I know more what I want.

Now this relationship is popping up after many years and has a lot of what I want in it. Also, I feel completely out of my comfort zone. I love vulnerability and connection and I appreciate the edge-pushing it's making me do, but I am at a point where I am not interested because of the push-pull of technology and phones and busy lives. Seems to me that this LDR will take a lot of extra management between us, as it's not flowing.

The other bit is he has told me he's hoping I will lead him, as I am so experienced. He has said, "I trust you to lead me so that it's perfectly in flow." Feels to me like perfectionism and also some "fake it till he makes it" attitude (he says this) coming my way. We have had no contact in 5 days and before that 2 weeks of me leading the conversations. He just today reached out with a very straightforward neutral message about details for the weekend. I don't know what to do. At this point, I feel the same as I did before I saw him and connected with him, with the addition of sadness, because I don't want to feel the back and forth.

My take on it is-- even though I feel like I want to run away and close the steel trap door, I will stay the course, meet in person and talk through some of the ideas and feelings we have. Commit to a once a week connection on the phone and seeing each other once a month, until we can have more longer times together. I am no good at planning, but he is, so I could ask him to lead the regularity of it, while I offer some spontaneous options.

I hope there are enough details for a little advice. Thanks ahead of time.

 

[Evie]

Hi, LDR'r here. Have you got a shared calendar yet? Lol. Just pop a weekly phonecall on there and your monthly meet ups and you'll look like a poly-pro in no time at all ;-)

Share the calendar with everyone affected by those times and also block off date times for you and your marriage partner and essential kid activities (sports/arts/etc.) so LDR partner can also see when you are unavailable for spontaneous things.

Does he want you to lead this LDR as a part of his kink exploration? It can be very tiring as the D-type in this arrangement when the s-type just wants to be told how to be perfect for you. Do you have the energy for that, if, of course, I'm on the right track?

 

[Sweetpea]

Thanks. So true. Planned spontaneity, I like to call it.

No, as much as he wants to explore certain kinks, he mostly wants to be the top. I have historically have been a dom so we are talking through things we want to explore.

The calendar is a private place in many ways. I know people say it's all about the calendar with poly, but I've never shared it with someone, not even my husband. This process is different than other situations I've been in and that's really good for me. Or hard.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Sweetpea,

Things don't always run smoothly in relationships, sometimes the water gets choppy, and we just have to try to decide whether we can live with that. Long-distance relationships tend to be problematic, you already know this. Connecting by phone once a week, and in person once a month, is probably the best you can do here. He has said that he wants you to take the lead. Are you okay with that? If you want him to be involved in the decision-making process, let him know that that's what you want, and find out whether he can live with that. I think maybe you are still in the process of getting to know each other, so you may surprise each other at times. That's about all I can tell you for now, keep us posted as your situation evolves.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

You don't share you calendar with your husband? How do you arrange for the kids' things, sports, lessons, classes, play dates? (I know just one is at home now, but how did it go in the past with more than one?) How do you notify everyone about who needs to see the doctor or dentist? How do you ever plan special events or vacations? I don't understand why those would be private. And when you have multiple poly partners, how do you decide who gets to see whom, on what days or nights? I know you said you like to be spontaneous, but I don't see how anything can happen without some planning.

 

[Evie]

You know you can create multiple Google calendars? My USA partner has one for his relationships predominantly and then pops other things on there that impact regular dates. He has others for different needs.

When I was living with Adam we had a paper calendar on the wall.

 

[Sweetpea]

You don't share your calendar with your husband? How do you arrange for the kids' things, sports, lessons, classes, play dates? (I know just one is at home now, but how did it go in the past with more than one?) How do you notify everyone about who needs to see the doctor or dentist? How do you ever plan special events or vacations? I don't understand why those would be private. And when you have multiple poly partners, how do you decide who gets to see whom, on what days or nights? I know you said you like to be spontaneous, but I don't see how anything can happen without some planning.

I appreciate the question. I guess we do it the old-fashioned way, talking to each other, and using a wall calendar, or office calendar. I keep track of my own stuff on my phone and we go over the schedule verbally every Sunday/Monday. My husband doesn't keep a calendar besides paper. My partners have not been too complicated, I guess. I am willing to change. I loath Google and prefer analogue when I can.

 

[Sweetpea]

Hello Sweetpea,

Things don't always run smoothly in relationships, sometimes the water gets choppy, and we just have to try to decide whether we can live with that. Long-distance relationships tend to be problematic, you already know this. Connecting by phone once a week, and in person once a month, is probably the best you can do here. He has said that he wants you to take the lead. Are you okay with that? If you want him to be involved in the decision-making process, let him know that that's what you want, and find out whether he can live with that. I think maybe you are still in the process of getting to know each other, so you may surprise each other at times. That's about all I can tell you for now, keep us posted as your situation evolves.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Thanks, Kevin.

 

[Sweetpea]

You know you can create multiple Google calendars? My USA partner has one for his relationships predominantly, and then pops other things on there that impact regular dates. He has others for different needs.

When I was living with Adam we had a paper calendar on the wall.

I guess it's time to evolve, because my new partner is very busy. Even tonight he wanted to talk, but he only had time while driving and his drive was too remote to communicate. I guess it's time to take the guesswork out of it and link calendars. I'm learning.

 

[Bobbi]

The beauty of shared Google calendars is that you can hide details so people just see "busy." You can tailor it for each person and what they see. With some I share everything, some I hide details, and some I share regular calendar details, but hide dating calendar details, just to say "busy." That way, partners know I have a date, but don't know where or with whom.

I love that events are added automatically from my email so I don't have to copy and paste, and if I open Maps it will automatically bring up the next location on my calendar without me having to put it in. The more I use the G suite, the more I love the conveniences.

 

[Magdlyn]

I appreciate the question. I guess we do it the old-fashioned way, talking to each other, and using a wall calendar, or office calendar. I keep track of my own stuff on my phone and we go over the schedule verbally every Sunday/Monday. My husband doesn't keep a calendar besides paper. My partners have not been too complicated, I guess. I am willing to change. I loath Google and prefer analogue when I can.

Oh, so you do have actual calendars, just not Google calendar. I admit I still use wall calendars too. But I'm a senior citizen lol. I thought you meant you had no calendar at all, and never did. I was confused. Thanks for explaining.

 

[Sweetpea]

This is a follow-up, but may be too much for some of you. I understand if you don't want to read it. Thanks, everyone.

I spoke up, told him I was concerned about our communication, and it was giving me hesitancy about our coming weekend together. He was thrown off a bit, because he thinks he does communicate, although he's had that feedback before that he's better in person and bad at keeping in touch. He's admitted this. "Outta sight, yet still in mind," he says.

He told me how he tells everyone how wonderful I am, etc. I haven't heard much of that at all, but everyone else in his life seems to know. He really thinks that because he lives alone he is more available. "Available" to him is to call him after 10:00 pm, or at 5, 6, 7 am.

He leaves work after 6:00 pm, then is on the road to the next thing. He doesn't ever stop to call or check in unless I ask him to, and then he only does when he's moving from one thing to another. When I ask him to, he calls, then hangs up because the reception is bad. Then he just never follows up with, "Hey, I'm driving to the mountains," or whatever next adventure he's on, "Let's talk later." Just no follow up.

He texted me this week, asking about the details of our weekend. It was the first text thread he initiated in two weeks. Great. I said, "Sure, let's chat. Call me after work. I'll be done early." That's when he did that call and hang up thing. We never talked that night.

After that, I waited a day, then sent the message about not being sure what we should do, because we have this weekend planned and I don't feel super secure or close to him. He was completely shocked. He was pretty nice and called me, with 20 minutes to talk before a social/family thing. He gaslighted me and told me he was plenty available and I could call him at 5:00 am. He told me we shouldn't get together this weekend. I said, "Let's talk at at 8:30 am." He told me he had something at 9:30. I cancelled my 9:00 am thing that I always do so I could be present for that conversation with him.

At 8:30 I texted him and said hey. Then I was gonna call him, but I hesitated for a minute. Then right away he sent me this voice text that was to the point. He said, "We have an undeniable lifelong connection that will never die."

Then he went on, denying all the things I said, telling me I should know how he feels not having a nesting partner. That he thinks we should meet somewhere neutral, and again told me how available he is.

He told me he met someone else he wants to put his energy into, who was close-proximity partner material. He called me manipulative for talking about my feelings before a trip together and continued to feel that he was not coming this weekend. I couldn't call him after that.

It was all hard to hear. I spent the morning between my commitments talking to a couple good friends and recording a monologue of a response. I asked him if he would mind a 25-minute response. I wanted his consent for such heavy stuff. It was a big share and I was crying in it at the end. He said, "Of course I want you to share." I just couldn't bring myself to send it. So I decided to try again. I did another 25-minute voice memo, where again, I cried at the end.

I mean, this is really deep stuff for me. I am a super-stable, stoic, even-keeled person, but my thing with him has been 26 years in the making. There's something very deep here and I feel shifting in my tears. This is what polyamory really can be like, pushing yourself to the edges to explore parts of yourself that would otherwise sit dormant.

Ultimately, I decided to go with his move, take a pause and not address the weekend anymore. I am off the escalator, if I was even on it. I decided I would just step back and let this weekend be my own hot springs retreat.

I sent him a 3-minute response on my drive today, addressing some of his concerns. I told him if he reacted the way he did with the other message, I am not ready to share my longer message. I sent him my love and let it go.

I'm just gonna step back and find my way into this new growth. I'm in love with him, and I think I have been most of my life. I'll hold it and own it for now.

Thanks, y'all. I know I don't visit often, but when I do, I so appreciate the space you've created here.

 

[kdt26417]

It sounds like your relationship has encountered some choppy waters. I am probably biased in your favor, but it was hard for me to hear the way he talked to you. I don't think you did anything wrong to warrant that. If anything, he probably knows (on some level) that he isn't a great remote communicator, and he is probably feeling somewhat guilty and then defensive. So he is trying to shift the blame onto you. He is making his own decisions, they are not conducive for nurturing a long-distance relationship. But we have already covered that ground: LDR's can be harsh, and some people probably just can't handle them. He may be one of those people. I hope I'm wrong.