Leaeeving Toxic Marriage: Now questioning my poly nature. Help.

*I understand there may be some harsh judgement here, but I'm truely desperate for any sort of solid advice and perspective here*

A year into our marriage, my husband and I decided to become openly polyamorous. This decision came about after an incident where I had gone out of town to see old friends, and in jealously he went to a friends house and got extremely intoxicated and ended up receiving a blowjob unwillingly from a female we both knew. When he disclosed this event, he did not consider it rape, and brought up the concept of becoming poly.

Our relationship was very turbulent and he was very verbally abusive to me during this time, therefore, while I was open to poly for the sake of my own happiness, i knew there was a greater issue at hand. He proceeded to defend the girl and started pressing me to consider a poly relationship with this girl and her partner, so much so that we got into a massive fight about it.

I ended up going to another couple I knew was polyamorous for any sort of guidance. By the end of our first conversation, the girl had convinced my husband he had been raped and the couple expressed interest in helping us along our poly journey.

3 years later, we put an end to those relationships because I learned the girl to be a narcissist and her husband to have some serious stockholm syndrome.

Beyond the poly journey, my husband has gone through waves of toxic cycles that have done nothing but bring me down. Years of verbal abuse, gaslighting, and manipulation have come to a head and hes agreed to divorce me (so far).

I've now found myself in a relationship with a man whom I've fallen in love with. Completely head over heels. I've never had a relationship quite as fulfilling and healthy as this. And I honestly never thought I would meet someone that checks all my boxes. That's why poly exists, right?

Going through all this, I'm finding that I dont have the emotional capacity to nurture more than one partner, and honestly I dont care to at this time.

I'm now watching my STBX husband prioritize quantity over quality, dating girls he doesnt show respect for, pursuing girls that hes talked mad shit about, and dragging along men hes not interested in for the sake of attention. I really feel that polyamory has left a bad taste in my mouth after all the toxicity. What do I do?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle.

in jealously he went to a friends house and got extremely intoxicated and ended up receiving a blowjob unwillingly from a female we both knew

To me that is assualt/rape.

I ended up going to another couple I knew was polyamorous for any sort of guidance. By the end of our first conversation, the girl had convinced my husband he had been raped and the couple expressed interest in helping us along our poly journey.

To me that is taking advantage. It would be more appropriate to suggest your spouse see a counselor and figure out if he wants to press charges. Not put themselves forward to "help you" in the poly journey. A person who has recently been assualted is NOT a person to start that up with. They are vulnerable and have other business to clear first.

3 years later, we put an end to those relationships because I learned the girl to be a narcissist and her husband to have some serious stockholm syndrome.

Sigh. Not good. You went from one kind of yuck (toxic, verbally abusive husband) to another (woman assaulting husband) to another (couple taking advantage.) It's been a string of toxicity/abuse/weird.

Where was the healthy poly in all this? Nowhere.

Beyond the poly journey, my husband has gone through waves of toxic cycles that have done nothing but bring me down. Years of verbal abuse, gaslighting, and manipulation have come to a head and hes agreed to divorce me (so far).

One of you has filed the paperwork at the courthouse, right? This is in motion already?

I've now found myself in a relationship with a man whom I've fallen in love with. Completely head over heels. I've never had a relationship quite as fulfilling and healthy as this. And I honestly never thought I would meet someone that checks all my boxes. That's why poly exists, right?

I think poly exists because people wish to have more than one loving, healthy relationship. Poly does not exist to "make up for the deficits" of a partner with other partners. If a relationship just isn't healthy, poly relationships aren't the "bandaid" for that. And poly relationships aren't a "crutch" so one can better endure an unhealthy relationship either.

Going through all this, I'm finding that I dont have the emotional capacity to nurture more than one partner, and honestly I dont care to at this time.

So be with the one partner. "Polyamory" doesn't mean being multi-partnered at all times. Some poly people are single. Some choose to be Closed. Be ok being a poly person with 1 partner at this time.

I'm now watching my STBX husband prioritize quantity over quality, dating girls he doesnt show respect for, pursuing girls that hes talked mad shit about, and dragging along men hes not interested in for the sake of attention. I really feel that polyamory has left a bad taste in my mouth after all the toxicity.

That's not polyamory to me. That's some kind of user-y sounding thing or acting out thing or whatever. It is HIS concern now. No longer any concern of yours. You are his STBX. So distance yourself from the weird he's doing. Have you moved out?

What do I do?

Be with your one healthy sounding partner and be glad you are free from all the wacky drama.

If/when you want another partner be super selective and picky to avoid NEW drama people. Only healthy people.

And if you just no longer want another partner? Be ok with that. Nothing wrong with wanting something different and more stable at this chapter of your life. You've been through a lot!

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi IndigoTiger,

You've been through a lot, polyamory has not served you well. This is not to say that poly won't be a good thing in the future, it is just to say that it's fine for you to be monogamous right now. And, if you end up deciding you want to be monogamous for the rest of your life, that is okay too. I don't think polyamory is any better than monogamy (nor do I think monogamy is any better than polyamory). It is just a different way of relating. And there is definitely such a thing as bad poly.

My suggestion to you is to continue in your relationship with this new man whom you have fallen in love with. He checks all your boxes, and that is a good reason to be monogamous with him. On the other hand, you might decide to give poly another go sometime in the future. You might meet a second awesome man, and want to choose both men. That is okay too. Unless this first awesome man is strictly monogamous? Would he be open to future poly? If not, then just be aware, you are committing to monogamy *for life.*

I don't blame you for being disillusioned about poly. I hope you'll have better experiences in the future, whether mono or poly. In the meantime, I hope you'll continue to be active on this forum.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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