Leaf on the Wind

Hugs. Breakups are hard. I am so sorry..if it's any consolation cold feet doesn't mean it can't work out long term. Xx but you deserved better than out of the blue like that for sure.
 
So after I had a bout of gut-wrenching floor-crying and dog-and-cat cuddles, I was able to think a little more clearly. I hand-wrote my feelings out on notebook paper, reorganized them, and then sent Marian an email:

There are a couple things that I need to say that I was too shocked and hurt earlier to get out. I know that I’ll regret not saying them if I don’t tell them to you, and that’s the only reason that I’m sending this. I’m not trying to change your mind, I understand if you’re still hurt and processing yourself, and I don’t need a response.

I didn’t see this coming. I’m half wondering if the reason we broke up is that we were both having very shitty nights, each in our own way. I really regret pressing for a decision, but at the time, I was so hurt that the thought of being in limbo was too painful for me.

I know how amazingly, stressfully busy grad school is. I’ve known since you went back that you would have less time and be more stressed out. When we first started dating, a two-week wait was almost literally unbearable to me, I was so into you and my NRE was so strong. I’m worried that the combination of that, and expressing my worry to you, may have put stress on you that didn’t need to be there.

Today, when I admitted the selfish thought, the “what about me,” I regretted it the second it came out of my mouth, and when you said we’d make something work, I was intensely relieved.

Because I don’t need to see you every week. I realized that when we had a three-week break and my feelings for you were just as strong as they were before. What we had is beautiful and meaningful to me whether I saw you every 7 days or not. It's beautiful and meaningful to me whether we break up now or not.

But the thought I couldn’t bear, and the reason I didn’t fight for staying together tonight, was the thought that you feel guilty for not giving me more time. The thought that you could make yourself depressed over “neglecting” me even when I don’t actually feel neglected. I was afraid that you would make yourself ill and anxious on my account.

My mistake, and it was a huge one, was not trusting you to trust me if I said that I didn’t feel neglected, I wouldn’t feel neglected. My mistake was not telling you, emphatically, so that you believed me, that I’d rather see you sometimes than not at all.

I didn’t want you to say yes out of guilt, and I didn’t want you to resent me, to feel like you had to spend time with me.

I was afraid that you’d continue seeing me out of pity.

But the truth is, I’d rather see you sometimes than not at all. And if you still want to break up, if it’s that YOU couldn’t see me as your girlfriend if we’re seeing each other every few weeks or once a month, I understand. Those are valid feelings. And I’d love to still be your friend on the other side of this, because you are amazing, but I’ll need some time to process my pain. But I really, really do mean that you don't have to be sorry, because the situation and your feelings are not your fault, and I do really mean that I’d like to stay friends. And if you need anything, even if I haven’t reached back out to you yet, don’t hesitate to ask.
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After writing the letter and sending it, I'm feeling quite a bit better. Not unhurt, but much less reeling and confused. If she still wants to break up with me, I don't regret our relationship. It really has been very beautiful and, with the exception of tonight, I've enjoyed our time together very much. Tonight doesn't change any of that.
 
starlight1 said:
Hugs. Breakups are hard. I am so sorry..if it's any consolation cold feet doesn't mean it can't work out long term. Xx but you deserved better than out of the blue like that for sure.
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Thank you. I think the complete lack of emotional prep-time meant that I was trying to deal with all the feelings all at once, and still kind of am. Normally I can at least see warning signs that a breakup is coming. Do some emotional steeling. Think about 'what will I do.' Marshal my arguments. That kind of thing.

There were literally no warning signs. There wasn't even any 'I've decided to break up with you but haven't told you yet' date awkwardness. I'm leaning toward believing it was an impulsive, stressed-out decision.

I wish Guitarist was here tonight to hold me, but he has gone to work, and I'd be sleeping in a few anyway and then he'd be up all night alone. He was just as shocked as I was when I told him. He thinks it may be an impulsive mistake and salvageable.

As he was getting ready to leave, I was making myself pity tea, and on his way out the door he said "enjoy your tea." And then did a little Guitarist smirk.

He's such a troll sometimes. It made me laugh, like he knew it would. At the end of the day, I have so much love in my life that even if Marian doesn't change her mind, I'm better off than so many people.
 
I feel like I'm updating a lot today, but it's my processing blog, and I have a lot to process, so fuck it.

I didn't get much sleep last night. I'd sleep for about 90 minutes, wake up from whatever pertinent nightmare (oh yes, they were all about Marian, SHOCKING), roll around, be uncomfortable, drink more water because I had a horrible crying headache, check my phone, maybe write something down, and eventually calm down enough, only to repeat. Trying to focus on how I'd describe the feelings in a story helped, oddly enough.

I even wrote a poem, and I don't normally write poetry. It seems that a lot of people process heartbreak through poetry and song. I wonder if it's something about how the human brain works.

I haven't heard anything back from Marian. It's kind of a relief. I'm not sure I'm fit to try to have a conversation even if she did respond. I'm trying not to Facebook stalk her. I'm not even sure at this point that I'd want things to "work out, " if I'm being honest.

I swing from sad to angry to sad again. Fucking grieving process. I keep touching the good memories with her and they make me cry. It's like having a sore tooth that you just can't stop sticking your tongue into.

My eyes were too swollen this morning to put my contacts in, so I feel unattractive as well as physically gross. There is no amount of makeup that would help these eyes. I haven't eaten anything today.

Correction, I just made myself eat a peach and some nuts. My stomach is fiercely upset with me about that. All the sinus drainage isn't helping.

I talked to a work friend about everything. He's one that I work out with regularly, we've gone shooting together, we've gone to MMA shows together. So he's actually a friend, not just some guy. He called to ask if I was working out today and he could tell over the phone today that something was wrong and he was really worried about me. I told him what was up, poly and all, breaking my "not at work" thing. I hope that doesn't somehow bite me in the ass later. He's going to come to my office for lunch here shortly.

I'm supposed to see Purr tonight. Guitarist said he'd go to bed early so we can have some time tonight, too. I don't want to see Purr. I really don't want to see Guitarist either. All I want is to be by myself with a bottle of scotch. But I'm not allowing myself to drink and I also am not allowing myself to wallow. Seeing people will help me feel better. I could really use the hugs.

My mom saw on Facebook that I posted that I was grateful for Flame and Purr's support last night. She texted to ask what was wrong. I told her my girlfriend broke up with me. She said, "her loss" and that she's there if I need her. My mom has come a long fucking way. Silver linings.

Lunch time.
 
So many hugs! I totally felt this exact same way when Beckett pulled the "Can we talk? I want to stop doing this" conversation out literally minutes after we'd had an amazing lunch together and the best date/sex we'd had yet the previous night. It was so completely out of the blue that the WTF factor for me was off the charts, and the unexpectedness of it is probably the biggest part of what made it take longer than it should have to stop hurting (even though we'd only been seeing each other for a month).

I actually fought the urge to send a very similar email, but I'm happy for you that you found the courage to send yours. I still regret sometimes not sending mine.
 
Reverie said:
So many hugs! I totally felt this exact same way when Beckett pulled the "Can we talk? I want to stop doing this" conversation out literally minutes after we'd had an amazing lunch together and the best date/sex we'd had yet the previous night. It was so completely out of the blue that the WTF factor for me was off the charts, and the unexpectedness of it is probably the biggest part of what made it take longer than it should have to stop hurting (even though we'd only been seeing each other for a month).
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Thank you. I'm... glad?... to know that I'm not the only one. I remember reading your posts about the Beckett thing and thinking at the time that that must really suck.

Oh yes. It sucks so hard in no good ways.

I just keep wondering what triggered it. Was it actually something I said? Something internal to her that just latched on to lack of time as an excuse? I don't think it matters, but I just wish I could have an "aha" moment so that I can avoid this pain in the future. I honestly can't think of anything that should have been a warning flag.

Reverie said:
I actually fought the urge to send a very similar email, but I'm happy for you that you found the courage to send yours. I still regret sometimes not sending mine.
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Today, I'm regretting sending mine. But mostly for reasons that I recognize are just depression talking. I told her she didn't have to reply, but I kind of hoped for a more cogent explanation than what seeped through my filter of shock last night. If nothing else, it did help me process, and I can try to take solace that I was honest and if we do have a later friendship, I won't have to dig all this shit back up. So, there's that.
 
AutumnLeaves said:
I just keep wondering what triggered it. Was it actually something I said? Something internal to her that just latched on to lack of time as an excuse? I don't think it matters, but I just wish I could have an "aha" moment so that I can avoid this pain in the future. I honestly can't think of anything that should have been a warning flag.
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I honestly believe that sometimes it really is "not you, it's me"—in terms of where people are in their lives and what they can handle. I know that in Beckett's case, he was clearly struggling with having so much going on, and he felt it best to cut things off before we both got any more attached. Given what you said Marian said, I'd wager that it's similar with her. It's a weird turn-on-a-dime self-preservation panic-cut-and-run thing.

And I think there probably ISN'T a way to avoid the pain in the future other than to put up walls—but putting up walls will keep out the good stuff, too. I decided that I'd rather continue to be open and vulnerable when I like someone, and if it ends up being painful, at least I had what little I did get, and at least I have lived and loved and learned. Y'know?
 
Reverie said:
I honestly believe that sometimes it really is "not you, it's me"—in terms of where people are in their lives and what they can handle. I know that in Beckett's case, he was clearly struggling with having so much going on, and he felt it best to cut things off before we both got any more attached. Given what you said Marian said, I'd wager that it's similar with her. It's a weird turn-on-a-dime self-preservation panic-cut-and-run thing.

And I think there probably ISN'T a way to avoid the pain in the future other than to put up walls—but putting up walls will keep out the good stuff, too. I decided that I'd rather continue to be open and vulnerable when I like someone, and if it ends up being painful, at least I had what little I did get, and at least I have lived and loved and learned. Y'know?
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I do think you’re right on both counts. This does have the hallmarks of a panic and run. And I do really believe that this shitty time right now does not negate the good times. They were very good times. I think what I’m grieving when I keep touching them is that there won’t be any more, at least not for quite some time, and even if I gave her a second chance when she's less busy it wouldn't be the same.

Along the lines of good things coming from making yourself vulnerable, I’m glad I went to Purr’s house. I was in much better company than moping around by myself at home. Smith’s date canceled on him, so he came over to commiserate. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned, but Smith recently broke up with his partner of nine years. Like, burned bridges, she destroyed his stuff to spite him break up.

We talked about some random chit-chat, and he offered a hug and a backrub, which I took him up on when Purr was putting her little ones to sleep. He gives really good back rubs, and that simple act of compassion and commiseration touched me so much that I started crying again and had to leave. I hate crying, especially in front of people. But I thanked him profusely over text later.

Purr was herself at her best. She has a real gift for comforting people. After the kids were tucked in, she held me for a while, and then we made frosting for cupcakes for her son’s school party tomorrow. She was playful and cute and even got me to laugh a little a couple of times. It kept me totally occupied. Until the drive home. Even with metal blasting at full volume, my mind is a dark and silent place on drives at the moment.

It’s now way too late for me to go to bed, but it’s a work night so I have to. I’m sure I’ll sleep like shit, I’m sure I’ll dream, but at least I’m going to cuddle Guitarist a little before that happens.
 
So, today.

I still have nothing to do at work. I should work on writing. I don't want to do writing. I killed a few hours here on the forums, but now, I'm basically out of things to read. Unless I wanted to read someone's blog from the beginning (I've read a few all the way through and it's always fascinating) but I don't think I have the attention span for that. Oh, and I'm low on data on my phone. But then again, browsing doesn't take up that much data. Certainly less than You-Tubing Bob Ross.

Bob Ross is basically my zen master in this breakup.

There's a going-away pizza lunch at noon for a guy I've met a couple times. I'm going to go and make myself eat something. Even though for upsets my stomach and it all tastes like cardboard and the tears of sad clowns and melodrama.

I will make myself write after lunch. I have a short story I need to revise and submit before NaNo. This will hopefully keep my mind off of Marian.

I'd like to go an hour without thinking about her. No luck yet.

Also, last night, cuddling with Guitarist, after we talked a lot about my shitty post-breakup day, he said, "So you're back on the market."

My immediate mental response: what the actual fuck.

I think he meant it as a joke? Or maybe he was fishing for information about whether I intend to start dating again right away so that he could mentally prepare himself. Or try to dissuade me from doing a rebound relationship.

So I told him, uh, no. I'm seriously grieving here. There is no part about trying to fill my pain with another human being that seems like a good idea. I don't have much to offer someone else right now.

Anyway, so that's been on my mind today. I will maybe start dating again in future, but I don't know. It's too early to think about it. It wouldn't be until after the New Year and who knows where I'll be then, mentally, emotionally, and time-wise. Just the thought makes me anxious.

But Guitarist sexed me to sleep, so I forgive him for the roiling thoughts he had caused me.
 
Got through another day. No luck with the not-thinking-about-Marian thing, but at least today I didn’t cry every time I did. I actually didn’t cry at all, and I’m hoping that’s mostly out of my system. I like wearing my contacts and not looking like I've been punched in both eyes.

I was home alone tonight, but instead of losing myself in a drinking/binge eating/Netflix watching pity party, I pretended that I’m a real writer and did writing. Except I have zero concentration. I finished the final of a short story draft, did some market research, and sent it out, only to realize that I entirely screwed up a very basic thing in the magazine’s submission guidelines. So I’ve basically putt a red flag on myself and asking them to reject my submission. At least I don’t have to hope this one will be accepted. Then I pulled out the jewelry making stuff, trying to lose myself in creative hobbies, but I’m not mentally organized enough to decide colors and patterns and I just thought of what I would have liked to have made for Marian and I had to put it away.

Instead, I curled up on the couch with my cats and a big glass of water and read a YA paranormal romance, because if I’m going to be this angsty and horrible, I might as well feel like I’m in good company. In some ways, I feel like I’ve been transported right back to a place of teenage angst, where everything is a Feeling instead of a feeling. I’m not enjoying it, but I might as well fucking embrace it.

And of course in the book, the protagonist and interest overcome all barriers to their love and make it work, because things always work out in that genre, except they may possibly have destroyed the world. That’s left vague for the purposes of sequel. Oh, and it turned out that one of the secondary characters was named Marian. So that was fun.

Every time my Facebook messenger bleeps, I hope she’s finally decided to respond. She hasn’t. I kind of wish people would stop messaging me, but then I’d have to admit to several people hopes that feel foolish and immature, and I’d rather not do that. At least Purr and Guitarist and Flame are largely texting me.

Thinking of Guitarist, I’m going to go crawl into bed with him now. He went to bed late and probably won’t get up to sex me, but I could really use the contact and it’s late enough that if I do accidentally wake him up, I won’t hate myself for interrupting his sleep.
 
Splitting a bottle of wine at 11 am was probably not a good idea, but Guitarist offered wine and cheese (pecorino, my favorite) after we had some amazing mutual oral this morning, and he works third shift so it's more like his evening. But now I’m feeling tipsy and maudlin.

It may already be nap time.
 
Yesterday was very long and it had a rough start. Pre-period hormones were at an all-time high and I had nobody around at home to distract me after Guitarist went to bed for the day. I ended up trekking out to a local bookstore and holing up there, thinking about my NaNoWriMo novel and reading a book on writing, just so that I would be in public instead of alone with my thoughts about Marian.

The bookstore closed at around 9 pm and I went to the restaurant where the kickoff write-in was going to be held. It wasn’t supposed to start until 11, so I had a pizza and a beer at the bar, and then I was in costume as “chick reading a book at a sports bar during The Game.” The write-in itself was an amazing lot of fun.

Afterward, I texted Purr that I was on my way home, and she asked if she could come over. It was technically 1:15 am (thanks, daylight savings time), but it felt like 2:15. I was exhausted from writing and the lack of sleep I've had lately. So I asked, what time are we talking about. She said about 90 minutes because she had to check on a friend who was in a bad way. I checked with Guitarist and made sure it was okay that she came over, asked if it was okay that she slept in the bedroom, and everything was good.

I thought I might fall asleep before she got here, but oh I was so wrong. Instead I frantically cleaned up our bedroom and the house. I have a bedroom anxiety/territoriality thing that I’m trying to break, and it’s better for Purr’s allergies if we didn’t sleep in my office on the air mattress (my office is also known as the room with the giant cat tree), so I tried to make that work together. Sleeping in the bedroom would be better on Purr’s allergies and I’d try to turn it into an opportunity for growth.

When she arrived, we went straight to bed for sleep-cuddles, because she was post-party and I was post-write-in and we were both zombies. Except I didn’t fall asleep until about 5:30 in the morning. I was so anxious about having a ‘stranger’ in my bedroom that I was itching all over, and my leg wouldn’t stop ticking. The last time I looked at the clock it was 5:16 am, and that was shortly before I calmed down enough to sleep. Delicious dreamless sleep, no Marian-breakup-related nightmares.

Purr’s alarm went off at around 8 am. It was much better waking up with her, it felt natural and I wasn’t anxious at all, and it was totally worth the utter lack of sleep. Except when she tweaked my nipple, I started cramping badly. We just cuddled until Guitarist got home and then had some pretty decent sex. It could have been better, but there was a lot of cramping on my part. Orgasm + period cramping = worse cramping, at least for me. Afterward I was in a very grumpy mood because of the extra pain, but it eventually went away and I had a little bit to eat and got much, much happier. We basically ended up in a standing cuddle-pile in the kitchen, in which Purr admitted that she thinks she’s falling in love with both of us. So that was warm fuzzies all the way.

Since then, I’ve been writing literally all day. My mood isn’t great, but it’s the best it’s been since Marian broke up with me. I managed to get through an entire hour without thinking of her entirely through the power of writing like a madwoman. I’m 8.1k words into my novel at this point and my brain has turned to sludge.

My plan for the week is stay as busy as possible so I can maintain this semi-decent mood without crashing and burning into horrible depression again. I’m trying to stay up to a decent hour tonight so that I can hopefully get some real actual sleep before going to work tomorrow. Guitarist has a date with Purr tomorrow during the day, I have an exercise ‘date’ with a friend tomorrow night, then I have a date with Purr on Tuesday. I'm donating blood Wednesday and then going to a book signing, going to a write-in Thursday, I’ll find some way to keep my mind occupied Friday, and then there is a HUGE write-in Saturday in College City that I'm going to go to. That's an all-day event.

I just hope my inner introvert holds off until I'm in a decent mental place for staying at home alone. Today is not yet that day.
 
AutumnLeaves said:
Except when she tweaked my nipple, I started cramping badly. We just cuddled until Guitarist got home and then had some pretty decent sex. It could have been better, but there was a lot of cramping on my part. Orgasm + period cramping = worse cramping, at least for me.
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I have this problem too. Sometimes if I am having a particularly crampy cycle, even getting turned on makes the cramping worse, no orgasm required. And once, what should have turned into an orgasm instead sort of...inverted(?) back into my body as cramps instead of any pleasurable orgasm contractions. It was so messed up! Sometimes I decide to go ahead with sexytime activities anyway, despite knowing that I will suffer a bit, but often I will just opt out and prefer cuddles those months. Thankfully, it is not every month that is that bad.
 
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Reverie said:
I have this problem too. Sometimes if I am having a particularly crampy cycle, even getting turned on makes the cramping worse, no orgasm required. And once, what should have turned into an orgasm instead sort of...inverted(?) back into my body as cramps instead of any pleasurable orgasm contractions. It was so messed up!
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That sounds amazingly horrible. As in, I just winced in phantom pain. Ouch!

Purr said that she used to get really bad cramps while breastfeeding and on her period. Something about hormones getting released through nipple stim. I like those hormones most of the month. Just not right now.

Reverie said:
Sometimes I decide to go ahead with sexytime activities anyway, despite knowing that I will suffer a bit....
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That was pretty much this morning. I was trying not to get too horny (while participating in a threesome, yeah, that worked about as well as you'd expect), and it just frustrated me and threw Guitarist off his groove. So I decided what the heck, it's not usually that bad.

But it really was that bad. Oh well, the improved mood lasted a lot longer than the pain.
 
My working-out friend canceled on me tonight, so here I am, home alone, trying not to be depressed. I could have gone alone, but the depression was already setting in and I just didn’t. Now it’s too late.

The catalyst? I took a break from writing to make sure the internet still existed, and Marian had posted something that showed up on my Facebook feed.

There are so many words for how much this sucks and how frustrating this is. The logical part of my brain is going “are you fucking kidding me, get over yourself,” but the rest of my brain just hasn’t caught up yet. It’s still playing the what-if game, even though the what-if game is completely pointless. Yes, I could have done things differently. I didn’t do them differently. I did them this way. This is where I’m at. I’m almost certain it wasn’t mostly or even primarily my fault. I would like to not just know this, but also fully believe it.

Dear Rest Of Brain: What are you, thirteen? I get it. Breaking up sucks. This is a depressing situation. But at this point, I’m tired of wallowing in depression and feeling sorry for myself. Please stop.

Anyway, this break has been... fun. Back to writing!
 
While Purr is putting her kittens away, I thought I'd mention that I'm having a truly decent night. She's all buzzing from a new interest being over today. On my way in, I met Smith's new interest. She was hanging out on the porch and it only took a few minutes to figure out that she was half way into a bottle. She's experienced in poly, which is good, because Smith had some trouble with a mono girl recently. A little pushy, but in a harmless way that screamed insecurity born out of NRE. Overall, I think we'll get along fine. If I'm a little worried about anything, it's about how she kept repeating she was so alpha. I bend my head for no one. They're already talking about moving her into the house, so it must be serious.

Smith came over to Purr's side of the house and brought a joint dinner cooked by the new interest (we'll call her Lift). Everyone was glowing and happy and the energy rubbed off in such a good way. There were so many adults here (four!), a very refreshing thing for Purr's house. Best I've felt since the breakup.

Anyway, I think the kittens are finally asleep!
 
After Purr got her boys to bed, we had lovely sexy times that have had me buzzing all day. She also dropped an unprompted "I love you." That totally contributed to my happy today. I'm not as buzzy as I'd normally be, but definitely on the happy side of things.

And when I got home and buzzed at Guitarist, he was clearly happy for us. He said that he's surprised that he doesn't have any jealousy and is just full of compersion that the women he cares for are happy.

I think Wednesdays are going to be hard for a while. Wednesday was my unofficial Marian day, the day she was most likely to have off from work. It worked out very well because Wednesday is also the day my boss actually comes into the office instead of working remotely, so I tend to dress a little better and put more makeup on.

Other than the general sadness and mild depression, the day went rather well. I did a lot of writing, which is turning into my usual. 18,000 words on my novel in 4 days tells me that it's clearly my coping mechanism. But it's probably better for health than my old friend alcohol. It highly distracts me from getting dragged down into feeling-bad spirals, where alcohol tends to make me feel happy for a while and then feel even more bad.

I had a lovely text conversation with Purr today about her new interest. I’m going to have to think up a nickname for him, but I don’t know him well enough and I don’t think it’s fair to name people based on physical traits. He’s asexual but has a long-distance girlfriend, and Purr is worried about ruining things with his girlfriend by passing their non-sexual-cuddle boundaries on accident.

I told her that as long as she respects the boundaries that he tells her, it’s not on her if he exceeds his boundaries with his girlfriend. The care and keeping of his other relationship is firmly in the realm of His Shit. And she had to trust him to tell her if they were straying too far.

She said she found that advice very helpful and it made her feel better. That gave me the warmest, fuzziest kind of feeling. I love offering perspectives and hopefully helping people, but I really really love being able to help my loved ones.
 
Marian was all over my Facebook feed today because it's her and Ranger's wedding anniversary. My response: shrug.

So I think I'm recovering. Oh, and I was bouncing all over the kitchen today when Guitarist was talking to me. I was happy he's feeling less stressed about the decision he's made about his job, I'm happy he's excited to see Purr tomorrow, I was happy about seeing Purr tomorrow, and I was happy about my write-in tonight. I was so full of happiness and excitement that I literally couldn't stand still. I had to run around picking things up and organizing them to have something to do with my hands in light of all of the energy and happiness.

My major concern at this point is how Purr is going to take it when I want to start dating again. It's not that I want to start dating now, it's just that I know I AM going to want to, unless something changes in my dynamics with Purr and Guitarist. I want someone I can go out with. On dates. I want someone I can walk in the park with, go to the theater with, go to a museum with. Because of the circumstances of being a single parent, that just isn't something Purr can do. Just like, because of the circumstances of a third-shift schedule, it's not something Guitarist could do, even if he wasn't a complete homebody.

But with Purr, there's been a little relationship creep during the breakup. I was one-night-a-week with Purr and and in theory one night a week (which actually seemed to average every other week) with Marian. That's turned into one-to-two nights a week with Purr. The problem isn't that I don't want to see Purr more. I adore the crap out of Purr. The problem is that going over to Purr's house and snuggling up with her is not the same as going out, and all of this being in places that aren't my house press on my introvert buttons. I do need some amount of time by myself.

So far, I've been happy with two nights for Guitarist, two nights out of the house (both of which are now with Purr), and three nights at home. Could my inner introvert handle two nights for Guitarist, three nights out of the house, and two nights at home? I don't have any clue.

Would Purr be happy with one night a week once the crisis has passed? She has a new interest of her own, but he's a day-date interest, another third-shifter. And Purr's always desiring as much time as I can possibly give her.

We'll see. I'll need to talk with her about that before I firmly decide whether or when I want to start dating again. But a lot of this just seems to be academic worrying, because that won't happen any time soon. Well, I'm not actively looking, and don't intend to be until the new year at the earliest. For now, writing is my mistress, and going to write-ins and other writer-social-activities is my version of a "date."

Actually, thinking about it that way, I am kind of dating my write-in group. We see each other once a week, at least, on top of the time I see Purr. And the introvert seems to be handling all of this just fine. I'm probably getting anxious over nothing.
 
What an insanely busy but yet so very fun weekend it has been so far. Friday night, I saw Purr. I had to leave before it was bedtime for the boys, since I had to get up early on Saturday, so we didn’t get much in the way of intimate time. But it was nice to just be around her, listening to her talk about her mad crush on her new interest (I’m going to call him Hatter from henceforth) and playing with the boys.

While I was over, her oldest declared that he loves me and asked if I was his “other mom.” Apparently I’m at their house a lot, doing stuff like cooking and reading to them and playing with them and teaching them fun stuff like words and counting. So we’ve decided that I’ll be Aunt Autumn.

Saturday was insane. I wrote over 20k words on my novel during a 12-hour writing conference and competition. My fingers and wrists were a little stiff this morning, so I did a lot of stretching and iced my wrists a little. After that, Guitarist and I had a lovely squee-inspired sex date and he’s promised me more later.

I only thought about Marian three times yesterday. Keeping busy is a good way to avoid moping.

Today, I’m going to do more writing and then play Numenera with Flame over Skype… provided that the rest of the group doesn’t flake out. Again.
 
Yesterday was a relaxing introvert day. I took my car in for winter-prep and spent the day playing vidoe games, watching TV, and working on my novel outline. Guitarist went to see Purr. Apparently she told him she loved him and he didn't respond because he wants to be sure before he says it. I can understand that.

Marian is consuming less of my entire mind lately. I went the whole of yesterday without feeling sad. I think this is what recovering feels like.
 
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