What's caused most of the problems of the last few times is my wife and someone she's dating, my now girlfriend, me, and others going out to drink and have fun. It turned into me spending a lot of time with my new gf, and my wife feels like why do I make her feel like the 3rd wheel. I don't intend or mean to, but I just felt like I see her all the time and my gf 1 time maybe a week. So my wife is fine, etc. Well, that's not the case. She's felt like a 3rd wheel and like she could see how much I loved the new gf, or cared about her.
Yeah, stop going out as a group. There is absolutely no reason to go out as a group as fun as it may sound. Your relationship with your wife is fragile and needs attention away from others. Date your gf alone, and date your wife alone. Wife can date bf alone. Each couple gets quality time and nobody gets to see or compare affection, words, attention, etc. It is all individual to the relationship.
And just this last time she questioned why she gave up everything when I struggled, and I haven't when she has been. Like, I don't love her as much as she loves me. I know that's not true, but I realize I was willing to put my needs first. She hasn't given me an ultimatum, but in the last few days, there have been a lot of tears from her and me. She said it's either for her, or us, or it's not, and time to move on.
That was her choice to give things up. Did you ask her to?
You can make some changes to support her. Agree to see gf X times per week and only during those pre arranged times. Also agree to give wife X number of days dedicated to quality time and relationship/dating. Take her out, do romantic things together and be affectionate. No relationship talk during dates. No TV, no phones or other things you normally do at home, but real dates. Leave the house and do fun stuff. Show how much you love her by taking her out and making her feel special. Talk relationship on a different day that's about talking relationship only.
My wife feels an impending doom. I've been supportive. And then she got a boyfriend. We've even had him over, but it's like I forced the issue, or she feels like I'm like that because of what I said before. I've got someone, and now I'm trying to thrust her into it. But I didn't force him to ask her to be his gf, or her to say yes. I didn't force them to have s*x. But she feels she can't commit to him and doesn't want to lead him on.
I'm confused by this.... You forced her to get a boyfriend yet she feels like she can't commit to him and doesn't want to lead him on?
Does she have feelings for him? Does she want to be able to commit to him?
What's stopping her? Monogamy programming that you can only commit to one person? Does she think she has to end things with you to be serious, fall in love, or commit to another?
I think it's very possible you both didn't do the work before jumping into poly. Now you are going through the pain of not doing that work. Start the work now. Make each of your relationships parallel, do not mix partners socially, agree to date nights and relationship nights (can be the same day you do therapy if that works for you. You might like it better a different day so you can process therapy then work on relationship another day). Detangle your relationship to allow more autonomy and connect on a different level.
She's just super afraid to get involved because it feels to her like my poly behavior has been a light switch on and off. Which I respect and understand. I've just come to realize like what I've wanted and like got all this clarity that it just turns into why all of a sudden? Cause this new girl. Why weren't you supportive of me, slowed down or stop anything when I struggled. Which when I boiled down the facts I realized I was selfish in those moments. Which has led her to feel unsure of if our marriage can handle this or if we need to stop
You found a new girl and got swepped up in NRE (new relationship energy, makes you feel "love sick") it's not love. Love is realized after the chemical NRE wears off. (That's why most relationships don't last more than 2 years. NRE wears off and they realize they aren't right for each other.) NRE is very powerful though and can be powerful enough to make you forget your priorities, become selfish and hurtful. This doesn't mean you love you wife any less, it just means your brain is being chemically altered and you are doing a bad job of recognizing that and making sure to check your behaviors regarding the wife you love and the gf you are "love sick" over.
the group dates or setting where I've made my wife feel like a 3rd wheel or she's the extra I know isn't good and I own I haven't known how to navigate a wife and gf together. And probably isn't a good idea until I do. As someone stated.
Yes, avoid them for now. A year or more, once you've worked through your stuff you can add occasional get togethers like Thanksgiving. When you do come together y;u should make it platonic. Hug hello, hug goodbye, just as you would with any friend, but any affection towards any partner is a no no. Keep it platonic. That way there is no comparison, no unequal affection or attention. Discuss with all partners so they all are on the same page.
My wife I feel like isn't giving me an ultimatum but it does feel like she's gonna figure it out for her if this works or doesn't. So I'm in limbo with my gf. Which doesn't feel good. And probably horrible to say but how can I sacrifice 15 years of marriage and my family for someone I've fallen in love with over last 4 months.
You each need to figure this out for yourselves. You need to figure out for yourself if poly is what you want or not.
Relationships aren't perfect. They begin, grow, shrink and end. Each with it's own dynamics. You will hurt people and you will be hurt in the process and being poly makes it that much tougher. Way more dynamics involved, more wants, desires and needs that cannot be met. More having to say "no" to someone you love. In monogamy you can keep going with the flow until you are married with kids and a mortgage you can't afford. In poly you can't just go with the flow. You have do have limits, make hard choices and have the ultra hard conversations that come with those decisions. If you aren't ready to do that, then you aren't ready to do polyamory.
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