Let's Talk About Sex...

[Norwegianpoly]

It's a problem because she can tend to have 2 periods some months or have bloodier periods if induced by rough sex. She can also tend to get really in the mood for a few days in a row a month, and if the first day of that I induce her monthly friend, then it blocks me the next week. I don't believe it's from actual cuts to her vaginal wall, although I suppose that's possible.

If she has bleeds twice a month that needs a check up by her doctor. It could be stress, endomitrosis, hormones, even yeast infection/thrush can cause period changes.

It is very possible to bleed quite a lot from vaginal fisting. There is a reason my husband always keeps his finger nails not just short, but also perfectly filed. I am trying to learn my boyfriend about filing his nails, too...

 

[Norwegianpoly]

One question for you ladies though. My wife likes it hard and rough as do I. In particular she loves to be fingered hard and stretched a little but not painfully so. Then sex hard and fast and deep. My question though is that this can often induce spotting or even bring on her period early. Have any of you also had this problem?

The menestrual period is controlled by the hormonal cycle, so while some things can alter the hormonal cycle, you can't really change period though sex.

It is possible to bleed a bit from rougher sex, though, and I sometimes do, which I find a 100 % unproblematic as long as I don't feel any pain.

 

[Magdlyn]

If she is having frequent periods, they aren't brought on by intense sex. She may be going through menopause, even early menopause. Call the doctor for an appointment.

Vaginas are tough and meant to take some stretching. If she is bleeding after sex, that needs to be looked at too. More lube, short fingernails should be tried, but if it's not that, hormonal imbalance can also make the vaginal walls thinner and more easily damaged.

Non-bloody period sex can be prevented by using a diaphragm during intercourse, or having "outercourse" with a tampon in.

 

[TheWind]

He was the first called man, the first man who was chosen to know and worship God. The first real man who was the final intention of God.

And the scripture is written like this, more as the present tense than as Adam himself: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

The point being that man is only sexual with his wife, after she is his wife.

According to the Haf T*r*h and other writings, Adam was divorced, his first wife was Lilith, she was made from the clay as was Adam. She was stubborn, selfish and mean. Because of this G*d let Adam have a divorce. Punishing Lilith. G*d then made Eve that night while Adam slept. She was from his rib, so she would walk beside him, not ahead nor behind. Also since Cain killed Able, and Cain was banished, where did we all come from? in fact where did their wives come from?

 

[KC43]

Some people just aren't into period sex. I never did it; I was crampy and uncomfortable and felt just plain gross at that time of the month, so I avoided pretty much anything beyond a peck on the lips or a hug.

Having a hysterectomy 6 years ago was awesome because I never had to worry about periods interfering with sex again...

I'm now trying to figure out sex--if it even exists--with S2... he informed me last night that he needs to "downgrade" from a relationship to what he calls platonic. But he doesn't seem quite clear in his own mind as to whether his version of "platonic" includes sex... and yes, I pointed out to him that platonic means nonsexual. I think he was meaning nonromantic, with possible benefits... Something we'll be feeling out (no pun intended) over the next few weeks, I guess.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi KC43,

One thing that comes to mind is that a good sex therapist (not just a regular therapist) could probably help you. You could even invite Hubby and/or S2 to go to sex therapy sessions with you.

Here's a Ted talk that might give you some inspiration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=kMyyRBZkqVU ... River mentioned it in Sexual Shame - History & Consequences.

Re (from OP):

"Doing anything sexual to a partner that hasn't been done previously requires consent. If I don't say it, he can't say it's okay to try it."

Maybe some things could be done cautiously? or a little at a time? so as to give the other person a chance to say, "Sorry, I'm not comfortable doing that."

I've never personally been bold enough to say, "I'd like to have sex right now, is that okay?" I just try to cautiously initiate, and resolve to cancel if the other person resists. Of course, I'm also pretty boring in the bedroom and don't try to mix it up.

Re:

"Am I the only one who finds it difficult to talk about sex with sexual partners?"

No, it's difficult for me too. Although, not nearly as difficult when sex isn't actually happening (at that moment).

Re:

"How do you bring up sex-related stuff to your partners?"

I just, bring it up out of the blue. "So, I was wondering about ..." It seems to be easiest (for some reason) when she and I are driving somewhere in the car.

Re:

"How do you make suggestions about things you'd like to try when you aren't sure how your partner will react?"

"So, I was wondering if we could try ..." Something like that. Since I seldom feel the urge to try something new, I don't have a lot of practice at bringing it up.

Re:

"Is there any hope here, or should I just resign myself to paint-by-numbers sex with my guys for the duration?"

Can you bring up little things at first? Minor things? Things that don't raise your discomfort levels too high to talk about them? Maybe in that way you could get practice, and gradually work up to heavier things ...

I'm thinking one thing you'd like is for the guys (Hubby and S2) to initiate more on their own. Perhaps you could piece together a compromise? Sometimes you initiate sex and/or something new, sometimes they initiate sex and/or something new.

Could the same thing apply to talking about sex? Sometimes you start the conversation, sometimes they start the conversation? 50/50?

Re (from KC43):

"I don't always have anything particular in mind, because I don't always know what even exists as possibilities. I just know I don't want the same thing every single blasted time."

One word ... FetLife.

Re (from KC43):

"The last [counselor] heard me say 'Talking about sex with my partners is scary, and difficult almost to the point of being impossible,' more than once; repeated it to show she'd heard me; and then said, 'Well, just talk to them about it.'"

Hmmm. That's not a very good counselor.

Re (from KC43):

"So which is it? Is it hot and sexy when a woman is assertive sexually and verbalizes or shows through action what revs her engine in bed? or is it a bad thing because it makes her male partner feel like less of a man when the woman takes charge?"

I think that would depend on the man. Personally I'm not a big fan of assertiveness in bed, from either partner. I like gentle sex. Some assertiveness, okay. But not to the point of taking over.

Re:

"Should I believe S2 and Hubby when they say they want me to be more assertive, or should I stick with the status quo because that way I won't turn them off or get negative comments from them?"

I think you should write that down or print it off, and read/deliver it to Hubby and S2. They should know about it if they're sending you mixed messages. And even if they're not, I think they should be aware that it's a fear you have.

I know I'm very late showing up on this thread and a lot of this ground has already been covered. I just thought a slightly different angle of view might help. Sorry to hear about S2 downgrading the relationship.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[KC43]

Thanks, Kevin. I know this is going to sound negative and argumentative again, so I apologize in advance. I definitely appreciate all the feedback, but I want to give honest responses and not just say "Oh, thanks" and then ignore everything that's said, if that makes sense.

Since there isn't a relationship with S2 anymore, improving sex with him is irrelevant at this point. I was trying to figure out whether he intended sex to continue being part of whatever we have together now, but I think I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it isn't up to him. It's up to me, and issues or not, I have a little too much self-respect for that. There's no reason for sex at all with him at this point, and therefore no reason to try to make it better or more interesting.

Hubby has made it abundantly clear that he would never accompany me to any type of therapist or counselor. (I also wouldn't be able to see someone like that anyway... money. I have none, and I doubt my health insurance would see "sex really sucks" as a valid reason to pay for sessions from that type of therapist.) And honestly, given that lately he's been avoiding me and sometimes not even coming home from work--at all--sex with him is pretty irrelevant at this point as well.

I've tried FetLife... I can only look at the site for a minute or two at a time without getting a migraine because it's white font on black background, and that messes horribly with my vision. I had to cancel my account on there because I wasn't able to view the site long enough to get any benefit from it. But with no sexual partners, there isn't much point in finding sexual things that I'd be interested in anyway. Nor in figuring out how to address the problems with them.

Again, I do appreciate the advice, and it is helpful. Last week, it would have been perfect (except maybe the part about the therapist). If things change with me and either guy, I'll remember what you've posted.

 

[Magdlyn]

Since there isn't a relationship with S2 anymore, improving sex with him is irrelevant at this point. I was trying to figure out whether he intended sex to continue being part of whatever we have together now, but I think I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it isn't up to him. It's up to me, and issues or not, I have a little too much self-respect for that. There's no reason for sex at all with him at this point, and therefore no reason to try to make it better or more interesting.

Well! You know what? Good! He was boring in bed anyway.

Hubby has made it abundantly clear that he would never accompany me to any type of therapist or counselor. (I also wouldn't be able to see someone like that anyway... money. I have none, and I doubt my health insurance would see "sex really sucks" as a valid reason to pay for sessions from that type of therapist.)

Actually, recovering from sexual abuse, and neglect from a partner with Aspergers sounds like a valid reason to seek therapy, sex therapy or otherwise, to me.

And honestly, given that lately he's been avoiding me and sometimes not even coming home from work--at all--sex with him is pretty irrelevant at this point as well.

Add in he is rigid and routine oriented, because of the Aspergers. So "spicing things up" is pretty much not gonna happen. He is happy with his morning quickies under the covers. As I said before, refuse him his boring quickies and then see what happens. It might just be an Aspie meltdown, but maybe you'd even enjoy a bit of revenge at this point.

I've tried FetLife... I can only look at the site for a minute or two at a time without getting a migraine because it's white font on black background, and that messes horribly with my vision. I had to cancel my account on there because I wasn't able to view the site long enough to get any benefit from it.

Oh bummer, that's too bad.

But with no sexual partners, there isn't much point in finding sexual things that I'd be interested in anyway. Nor in figuring out how to address the problems with them.

And as I said before, time to get a more, shall I say, "normal" horny guy who wants to have some FUN in bed! There are plenty out there, let me tell you. I've had many since my marriage ended! Younger, older, my peers, whatever. Horny guys loaded with testosterone and lust! Mmmm...! I have been contacted by SO many horny guys.

Again, I do appreciate the advice, and it is helpful. Last week, it would have been perfect (except maybe the part about the therapist). If things change with me and either guy, I'll remember what you've posted.

Ah, screw those guys (not literally). Go get you some new hottie! You're poly! You're healing from the abuse and wanting to actually enjoy great consensual sex? Go get some. The guys I have dated are and were open minded and experimental. I only date those kinds of guys. You can screen them on OKCupid to find a good one.

This is just imho, of course. You do you.

 

[KC43]

Thanks, Mags. I appreciate your opinions and input, sincerely.

S2 was boring in bed, but we were changing that. After the letter I wrote him and the discussion we had, he was making an effort to be more spontaneous, more attuned to my attempts to initiate, and to trying different positions, locations, etc. But now... well, I talked to him last night and he said nothing's off the table, but he still wasn't entirely clear on whether that meant he wanted to hold onto the sexual aspect of our whatever-it-is or not. He said he's going to take some processing time over the weekend and promised that the next time he sees me, he'll have some definite concrete answers about what this "downgrade" is going to look like.

I think at this point for him, sex is low priority because he's so focused on the stuff he's dealing with that he can't keep his head in the game, so to speak. And I completely relate to that, because when I have other things on my mind, it's sometimes very difficult for me to stop thinking long enough to actually let go and enjoy sex. I think I said earlier in this thread that the sexual issues aren't solely the guys' faults. One of my contributions is that sometimes my mind wanders, and while my body is participating, my brain isn't.

I'm in therapy. But *sex* therapy is something completely different, especially in the eyes of the folks who approve things for health insurance purposes. (And right now I'm in therapy with a woman who gulps every time sex is mentioned, so that probably isn't going to last much longer...)

The bit that I saw of FetLife was hard for me to navigate anyway... I couldn't even figure out how to communicate with other members on there, let alone find anything useful for me. AFF is easier to navigate, but there are a LOT of assholes and "any wet hole will do" people on there.

I get what you're saying about finding another partner... but right now, I don't want one. I've met too many jackholes and dickheads over the years. The last time I had a guy who was just a friend with benefits, I became his backup plan, as in "Oh, no one else will fuck me, so I'll just call her because she always says yes." I'm nobody's backup plan, and I'd rather be celibate than deal with that kind of bullshit. Trying to find a guy I click with enough to want to get naked isn't worth the aggravation of wading through all the fuckwads.

But also, I can't really have sex with a guy I'm not at least friends with. Sex for sex's sake doesn't work for me; sex that grows out of a mutual affection and respect does. I have to be able to connect with the guy on an intellectual and at least somewhat emotional level before I'm willing to let him touch me. I was hoping to be able to improve sex with the men I love, not to improve my sex life in general, if that makes sense. And while I recognize that improving sex with Hubby or S2 may not happen, I don't want to have sex with someone else.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks, Mags. I appreciate your opinions and input, sincerely.

S2 was boring in bed, but we were changing that. After the letter I wrote him and the discussion we had, he was making an effort to be more spontaneous, more attuned to my attempts to initiate, and to trying different positions, locations, etc. But now... well, I talked to him last night and he said nothing's off the table, but he still wasn't entirely clear on whether that meant he wanted to hold onto the sexual aspect of our whatever-it-is or not. He said he's going to take some processing time over the weekend and promised that the next time he sees me, he'll have some definite concrete answers about what this "downgrade" is going to look like.

Weird that just as he had agreed to improve the sex, he bails on the sex. I feel it's related somehow.

I'm in therapy. But *sex* therapy is something completely different, especially in the eyes of the folks who approve things for health insurance purposes. (And right now I'm in therapy with a woman who gulps every time sex is mentioned, so that probably isn't going to last much longer...)

Since you are a sexual abuse survivor, this seems like entirely the wrong therapist for you, for goodness sake.

I get what you're saying about finding another partner... but right now, I don't want one. I've met too many jackholes and dickheads over the years. The last time I had a guy who was just a friend with benefits, I became his backup plan, as in "Oh, no one else will fuck me, so I'll just call her because she always says yes." I'm nobody's backup plan, and I'd rather be celibate than deal with that kind of bullshit. Trying to find a guy I click with enough to want to get naked isn't worth the aggravation of wading through all the fuckwads.

But also, I can't really have sex with a guy I'm not at least friends with. Sex for sex's sake doesn't work for me; sex that grows out of a mutual affection and respect does. I have to be able to connect with the guy on an intellectual and at least somewhat emotional level before I'm willing to let him touch me. I was hoping to be able to improve sex with the men I love, not to improve my sex life in general, if that makes sense. And while I recognize that improving sex with Hubby or S2 may not happen, I don't want to have sex with someone else.

Well, OK. This thread was started with the purpose of improving sex with your current 2 partners. Since that seems to have stalled out on both their sides, and you don't want another partner, I guess I will stop offering suggestions. I quite understand just wanting to take a break from men right now. I took a break for 6 months after I broke up with my previous bf last July. I then met a guy in December who I have been seeing fairly regularly since. I am not in love with him, just fond of him, and the sex is the main thing on the menu. Sex for two hours, dinner, a chat and some laughs, maybe a little more sex, and we are all set til the following week. I have my dear gf miss pixi for actual true love and domestic bliss, so it's working.

 

[KC43]

I'm glad you found a guy you can enjoy spending time with. That's what I was always unsuccessful in finding in the past; a guy who was willing to spend *time* with me and not only fuck me and say "now get out of here." For me, the chatting and laughing is as important, if not more so, than the sex.

In general, I can take or leave sex; it's just that if I *am* having sex with someone, I want it to be good and fun and interesting. But there's a cost-benefit thing there. If the cost of trying to find one good partner is dealing with weeks of BS from disrespectful jerks...it isn't worth it to me.

S2's "downgrade" thing had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with "love" and "relationship", based on what he said. I know the things he's dealing with in the rest of his life right now. He feels that he can't give the mental energy to the relationship that it needs. He isn't the one who decided sex wasn't going to be a "thing" between us; that was me. Neither of us has fully made up our minds about the sexual aspect of our connection, though. Like I said, while sex isn't a priority for him right now, he hasn't decided how much of a role it will play. I had decided that I wasn't going to have sex with someone who couldn't make a decision about that, but after talking to him more last night, I'm tabling making my final choice until we talk again.

Mostly he's bailing on having a full-on relationship that's called that. Everything else, in his words, is still on the table.

I've had one and a half sessions with the therapist so far. I'm giving her one more session worth of benefit of the doubt, and if she acts the same way, I'll be going to her supervisor to ask to be reassigned. I know that practice has very non-judgmental, sex and relationship-positive therapists. I just don't think she's one of them.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm glad you found a guy you can enjoy spending time with. That's what I was always unsuccessful in finding in the past; a guy who was willing to spend *time* with me and not only fuck me and say "now get out of here." For me, the chatting and laughing is as important, if not more so, than the sex.

In general, I can take or leave sex; it's just that if I *am* having sex with someone, I want it to be good and fun and interesting.

Oh I know. And I am pretty slutty, but I have definitely dumped guys who were all "wham bam thank you ma'am" and gone in a flash. I've dated about 30 guys since 2009, some just one date, some 3 dates, some for 3-9 months, a couple for 2 1/2 years each. And they are all gone... No one was just right for the really long haul.

But there's a cost-benefit thing there. If the cost of trying to find one good partner is dealing with weeks of BS from disrespectful jerks...it isn't worth it to me.

Yes, one has to kiss a lot of frogs to find one's prince. I attempted to date three other men as well, last winter before I finally worked things out with my current guy. Dating is hard! Everyone agrees on that. Such is life. I sometimes wish I had a much lower sex drive. But I don't!-- so I must keep trying to find the right kind of guy to satisfy that desire.

S2's "downgrade" thing had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with "love" and "relationship", based on what he said. I know the things he's dealing with in the rest of his life right now. He feels that he can't give the mental energy to the relationship that it needs. He isn't the one who decided sex wasn't going to be a "thing" between us; that was me. Neither of us has fully made up our minds about the sexual aspect of our connection, though. Like I said, while sex isn't a priority for him right now, he hasn't decided how much of a role it will play. I had decided that I wasn't going to have sex with someone who couldn't make a decision about that, but after talking to him more last night, I'm tabling making my final choice until we talk again.

Mostly he's bailing on having a full-on relationship that's called that. Everything else, in his words, is still on the table.

Well I am very sorry about all that.

I've had one and a half sessions with the therapist so far. I'm giving her one more session worth of benefit of the doubt, and if she acts the same way, I'll be going to her supervisor to ask to be reassigned. I know that practice has very non-judgmental, sex and relationship-positive therapists. I just don't think she's one of them.

Oh, I am glad you have other options at the clinic. Good luck finding a better therapist.

 

[KC43]

I definitely have my "slutty" times. Since I left my ex-husband in late 2006, I've had dates of one kind or another with about 25 guys. But most of those guys became my friends first, and the "hey, do you want to get together and fuck" progressed from the friendship. Most of them were only one or two time sexual partners, because of distance or scheduling or, in some cases, because the friendship was much better than the sex.

The couple of times that I went out with a guy I *wasn't* friends with, for the purpose of having sex (as agreed on before the dates), the sex was completely horrible. I need mental/emotional attraction before physical, I guess.

But on the flip side, the three men who have become lasting parts of my life, Hubby, S2, and Guy (who's only a platonic friend now, but still), all had sex with me the first time we met, and I was cool with that. Because with each of them, there was the kind of instant "click" that some people might call love--or at least lust--at first sight. The first night I met each of them, I felt like I'd known him longer than people who'd been friends of mine for years.

Definitely true about the frogs, and I'm kinda done with frog-hunting right now. LOL. I talked more with Hubby about this issue this morning, and he actually made some concrete plans--as in days and times--with me for making a "to-do" list of things we want to or are willing to try. He also promised (though his promises are sometimes to be taken with a grain of salt) to try harder to vary the times and locations that we have sex. And he wants to take me out on the work boat for my birthday, in both meanings of the term "take". So we'll see if there's *any* improvement there. He has improved in the past, but it doesn't always last.

As for S2, like I said, we're making some decisions about what "downgrading" looks like for us. Last night when we talked, he didn't seem at all pleased with the possibility of eliminating sex, and even hinted at still wanting to try a few of the things we'd discussed. So with him as well, we'll see, I guess.

Thanks for the good luck wish. I don't know how viable an option changing therapists will be; they're short-staffed. I only managed to get in at all because they have walk-in intake hours three times a week, and my previous therapist is in charge of that, so she made sure I was seen. But if I have to change therapists, it may mean being on a waiting list for a while. Which would be better than being with an ineffective therapist.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi KC43,

Just letting you know I'm still following your thread, and if I can think of any way to help I'll try to do so. It sounds like some things are up in the air right now.

 

[KC43]

Thanks, Kevin. Yeah, a lot is up in the air.

This morning I went in to see Hubby before he got up for work. Naturally he tried to initiate sex. I didn't feel a damn thing, and I told him right now I just plain don't want to have sex. Which he said he was okay with, and that he was sorry I was feeling that way. We just cuddled, which was fine, but then he said something about he hoped that if I stayed there with him for a while, we could "make love."

Which is bullshit. I don't feel "loved" during sex. I feel fucked. Obviously a disconnect somewhere, probably from fourteen years of marriage and sex with a man I didn't love at all and didn't even like most of the time but had to pretend otherwise. Even when things are good with Hubby or S2, I don't feel like there's any love involved in sex. They're two separate things. Loving someone makes sex better and more comfortable sometimes, but sex isn't "making love", it's sex.

I told him that. I told him there's no passion in our sex life and hasn't been since I can remember; sex between us is "nice", even when it's intense and rough (which I like sometimes). It isn't exciting. It isn't "Oh, man, I can't wait." It just kinda happens, and it usually feels good, and it's nice. But sometimes it happens because I realize it's been a little while, and since I'm his only sex partner, I figure I should have sex with him. Or it happens because it occurs to him that I'm there and he should interact with me, and sex is the easiest way for him to interact.

When I told him there's no passion, his response was "Well, passion isn't safe, and safe is good, isn't it? At least it's nice."

Yeah. Not going to get anywhere with that.

It's also--going back to what people said to Needing earlier in this thread--damn near impossible for me to even *want* to feel passion toward someone who constantly makes more work for me, either by dragging his ass about agreeing to do something I need him to do (more work because then I have to talk him into it), or by not following through on actually doing the things he's agreed to (more work because then I have to do the shit I didn't think I would have to do, and often have to smooth things over with Alt or Country because they start thinking Hubby's a jackass when he breaks his word). When I'm exhausted and overwhelmed, and he's one of the causes of my feeling that way, how am I going to feel passionate? Mostly I feel like it's best to avoid him so sex doesn't become a possibility--and so I don't waste time asking him to help me with things when I know I can't count on him. I didn't bother saying any of this to him this morning, because he was getting up to go to work and I didn't want him to leave in a crappy mood since he has to deal with his uncle all day, but I do plan to bring it up.

Not that that's going to change anything either. I told him this morning that I've pretty much given up on trying to improve our sex life or the marriage as a whole, because no matter what I say or do, nothing ever changes, and I'm not going to keep wasting time and energy when he refuses to alter his behavior or choices. I'm not trying to change *him*, I'm trying to make our relationship better, but it's quite clear that he has no interest in improving things if it means *he* actually has to do something differently.

So yeah. I'll probably keep posting in this thread, if for no other reason than it's helping me sort things (I know I have a blog for that, but I'm more likely to get feedback here), but right now I think figuring out how to talk about sex with my partners is completely irrelevant. I'm involved with two men who clearly feel no passion toward me, one of whom can't even decide if he still wants sex to be part of the equation, so what is there to talk about?

 

[FallenAngelina]

.....fourteen years of marriage and sex with a man I didn't love at all and didn't even like most of the time but had to pretend otherwise.

KC, may I ask why you remain married? Loss of zing in married sex over the course of 14 years I completely understand, but on top of that if you don't love or even like him, why are you in this relationship?

 

[KC43]

Karen, the bit that you quoted was about my *first* marriage. The one I haven't been in since 2006. I didn't love or like my *first* husband because he was abusive and cruel, and sex with him was an obligation that I was expected to tolerate and pretend to like but to not actually feel anything at all about, not make a sound, and definitely not ever want. Those were *his* expectations, and when I didn't meet them... it wasn't pretty. So I learned to shut myself off, but I also learned that sex isn't about love, it's about getting your rocks off. If you're a guy. If you're a woman, it's about doing what the guy wants.

I've overcome some of that since I left him in 2006, but I still don't see that sex has anything whatsoever to do with love. It's just a way to get your rocks off.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Ah, I see. Thanks for explaining.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from KC43):

"When I told him there's no passion, his response was 'Well, passion isn't safe, and safe is good, isn't it? At least it's nice.'"

It's apparent to me that he has very different ideas about sex than you do. You may have to attempt to negotiate how to do sex without actually understanding each other in that area.

And it sounds like the problems extend beyond the bedroom.

 

[nycindie]

I've tried FetLife... I can only look at the site for a minute or two at a time without getting a migraine because it's white font on black background, and that messes horribly with my vision. I had to cancel my account on there because I wasn't able to view the site long enough to get any benefit from it.

FYI, most browsers have the option to override a site's colors. You can use plain black on white or your own combo. You can also usually turn background images off, set font sizes, etc. Check the options/settings of the browser you're using.

But with no sexual partners, there isn't much point in finding sexual things that I'd be interested in anyway. Nor in figuring out how to address the problems with them.

I think the suggestion was made because you could possibly meet someone there, although I don't really know how that happens on Fetlife - their user interface sucks.