Letting Husband Go

L

LoveBunny

Active member
My husband, Arlo, and I separated five months ago. We took off our wedding rings, and he got a room downtown. My reclaiming of my poly/bi self after over a decade of monogamy was one big reason, but not the only reason. Arlo wants, ultimately, a monogamous wife, and I know this. I also don't believe I can be that at this time, despite the lack of anyone else special in my life (I am casually dating.)

Soon after Arlo moved out and the proverbial dust settled, it was like we went back to dating each other. Arlo spends three or so nights a week with me, we are still intimate, still entangled financially and emotionally. But we are allowed to date others. I love our current incarnation. We fight less, fuck more, I do less cleaning, errand-running and nagging, and I no longer have to contend with all the baggage of being someone's "wife." However, Arlo laments not having a "full time" wife, and he hates living alone (and doing his own cleaning and errand-running.) Where I feel more free, he just feels unmoored.

Arlo recently hit it off with a woman named Amy who was in town househunting. She returned to her home state, which also happens to be Arlo's home state, though she plans to move here eventually. Today, Arlo is flying off to spend the next four days with her, as well as reconnect with some high-school friends.

I'm not jealous of Amy, I know they talk and text frequently, etc.. I think a part of me hoped he would learn, by dating others, that he can hold more than one person in his heart at a time. But Arlo and I had dinner last night, he was going to spend the night with me, then I asked him if Amy knew he still spent nights with me.

He replied, "Yeah, that might need to stop after this trip."

I knew this was coming. I know that if Arlo finds a woman who wants to be monogamous to him, I'm history, but to hear it so clearly was a punch to the gut. I told him, as gently as I could, that I didn't want to spend the night with him knowing it might be the last night we spend together. I didn't want him to see me in pain.

He got really upset. I tried to explain why I was struggling: Anybody who comes into my life, I tell them my relationship with my husband is non-negotiable. He really is my "primary" in that my family knows him, my pets, he helps pay my rent (I'm looking for cheaper housing.) To know that for Arlo, I am NOT non-negotiable really bothered me. He kept saying "I don't even know what Amy wants, you're getting all upset over nothing." I was getting upset because I don't feel that my relationship with Arlo should hinge on what Amy wants. Our 17 years together trumps his brief and unconsummated LDR. Anyway, he left after dinner very upset, and now I feel like I put him in a tough spot. I should have just smiled and pretended to fine and let him do what he needs to do to get to the future he wants, even if that means I am not in it as more than a friend.

I need some help with this, It seems to be triggering abandonment issues. Before last night, I was actually excited for him to have an adventure without me, and because I still kind of hide my dating from him, I was stoked to have a few days where I won't be looking over my shoulder when I'm out with a date downtown. But now, I'm feeling sad as hell and as if I'm truly about to lose my husband.

Has anyone gone through something similar who might have some comforting words or advice?
 
I'm sorry that your husband doesn't want to be in a polyamorous relationship with you that's gotta be rough that you were still willing to date him but when he finds himself a partner that will be the end of your relationship. Not really the same situation but my ex husband told me that I was his best friend and that no matter who he got with he would make it clear that he and I would always be friends yet why he stopped talking to me. That was really hard for me to deal with
 
You abandoned your marriage and completely upended his world. He does not see stability with you, you have caused heart break and made his life more difficult with your need for poly. As a result of all this he is hoping to get back some of what he lost. In the interim you are a comfortable known for him but have made it clear that you will not be what he ultimately desires, that makes your relationship expendable at some point. You also need to understand that as a woman you will never have issues finding multiple men interested in you with full knowledge of your poly status, especially if you are sexual with them. Some of them will probably be cheaters on their wives/girlfriends. As a man it is MUCH harder to find a partner, let alone a woman that would be interested in poly, which is something your husband doesn't really want anyway. Most women would not consider sharing a man, ESPECIALLY with a soon to be EX wife. I can't say that I blame him for trading you in eventually. I know it sounds harsh but that's what is most likely going on here. I am not against poly, but you should look at it from his point of view which is against poly.
 
That is way to harsh.

It is hard to love someone and not have that love returned in the same way. I think it is totally acceptable for your stbx to stop seeing you if he is mono and starts dating a mono woman, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt.

I too would not want to know it was 'the last time', it would taint it for me. And I think his reaction to you was also unnecessarily harsh.

I'm sorry you are going though this. But it does sound like he is being true to himself in the end. I understand your hope that he would find that he could listen be more than one, but it sounds like he always said he was mono.
 
You really did everything right in being honest, but it's just not what he wants. Of course his new relationship is going to trump yours...you and he no longer have a relationship. And he can't develop a new relationship, while still being with you. I'm sure his new girlfriend would be horribly upset at that (she's, after all, mono).

Should you have cut him off earlier? Probably. But the instant he starts having interest in another mono woman, the only ethical thing to do is for him to cut it off with you. Otherwise, he's cheating on her with you. And you really DON'T want to be the "other woman," do you....?

I'm truly sorry this is happening, though. Biggest reason why I don't date monos, at some point, they're likely to want to "settle down," with a "real" relationship. And can I blame them? I'm not giving them what they want; why should they give me any real commitment?
 
LoveBunny said:
Arlo wants, ...and I know this. I also don't believe I can be that at this time...

I love our current incarnation. ...he just feels unmoored.

....I don't feel that my relationship with Arlo should hinge on what Amy wants. Our 17 years together trumps his brief and unconsummated LDR.

... I'm feeling sad as hell and as if I'm truly about to lose my husband.
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You decided for Arlo that your relationship with him would be based on what you want. You're still hoping he'll continue to base his relationship with you and with others, on what you want.

He didn't want poly. He isn't happy with the current situation. It seems to me that not only does Amy have as much right to have the relationship she wants as you do, but Arlo himself does, too. It sounds to me as if he's making this decision also based on what he himself wants: a monogamous relationship. He's found someone who wants that with him.

I'm with graviton. I certainly understand that it hurts, and yet...it's not fair to decide for him how his relationship with you will be, and expect him to stay forever and keep putting you first, even at his own expense. You didn't give up poly for him; why should he give up this woman and monogamy for you? You don't get to decide for him that your 17 year relationship now binds him to a life he never wanted.
 
Thanks for the guilt trip, @graviton! Very helpful!

@CandiedLove, Certainly, I would not want him to cheat with me. He's not doing anything wrong, I know that, but my emotions took a hit.

I'm aware of my need to step aside and let him find a different kind of woman, and I'm also aware that though I'm willing to share, most women aren't. I want to do it in whatever way is least painful for us both. It is less painful for him if he cuts it off, or is it less hard on him if I do it? I do not want to make him feel rejected by me in anyway (as graviton points out, I have hurt him enough.) I guess I kind of hoped there would just come this organic moment when we are both mutually ready to step apart, and move forward....

Maybe this is as un-painful as divorce it gets.

I called and offered him a ride to the airport this morning, he already had one but we talked. I know now he will always be in my life, even if it's not as a romantic partner. I want to make this transition easy on him, but it is also hard on me, so I come here for some moral support. Thanks to all who give it!
 
LoveBunny said:
@CandiedLove, Certainly, I would not want him to cheat with me. He's not doing anything wrong, I know that, but my emotions took a hit.

I'm aware of my need to step aside and let him find a different kind of woman, and I'm also aware that though I'm willing to share, most women aren't. I want to do it in whatever way is least painful for us both. It is less painful for him if he cuts it off, or is it less hard on him if I do it? I do not want to make him feel rejected by me in anyway (as graviton points out, I have hurt him enough.) I guess I kind of hoped there would just come this organic moment when we are both mutually ready to step apart, and move forward....

Maybe this is as un-painful as divorce it gets.

I called and offered him a ride to the airport this morning, he already had one but we talked. I know now he will always be in my life, even if it's not as a romantic partner. I want to make this transition easy on him, but it is also hard on me, so I come here for some moral support. Thanks to all who give it!
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In all honesty, he already HAS cut it off with you, in his mind. I'd be cautious, too, of expecting to stay friends with him. Most monogamous partners would not appreciate their spouse staying close with an ex-spouse. Because, you know, they're mono.

Understand this was your risk in dating a mono partner, and, gracefully, move on to someone who likes to share and doesn't want a relationship in which you and he are #1 with each other, but want to share the poly life you want :)
 
So you want your husband to accept you as Poly but you don't think you should accept him as Mono? No amount of dating is going to get him to change who he is.
 
@Whathappened
why should he give up this woman and monogamy for you?
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Of course I don't expect him to do that. I'm frustrated and upset that he has to give up me for monogamy.

I started this thread because I'm struggling to let go of a man I love so both of us can live the life we want. I'm a bit surprised by the judgmental tone. I have no idea how closely people have been following me, but I don't think I've been as heartless as all that.


@WhattoDo
So you want your husband to accept you as Poly but you don't think you should accept him as Mono? No amount of dating is going to get him to change who he is.
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Yes, this is what I'm struggling with. I can't grasp his mindset, and he can't grasp mine. He and I are coming at this from such a different philosophy, it's like we're not speaking the same language.
 
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Well best to accept that its over with. You guys don't want the same thing, who knows maybe after years of experimenting with poly relationships you might be in a place where if you both are single you can come back together. In the meanwhile I think you guys are way to close and that just makes moving on much harder , maybe try no contact with each other for several months.
 
Yes, this is what I'm struggling with. I can't grasp his mindset, and he can't grasp mine. He and I are coming at this from such a different philosophy, it's like we're not speaking the same language.
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What is there to accept? You guys have differing philosophies and approaches to love share.

I am sorry you hurt and struggle right now. It must be hard to be willing to let go of this....

I love our current incarnation. We fight less, fuck more, I do less cleaning, errand-running and nagging, and I no longer have to contend with all the baggage of being someone's "wife."
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....when you just got there. I wonder if you had hoped that stage would last longer and if the realization that it might not is the main struggle rather than the philosophies.

To me it sounds like you wanted to let go of the marriage but not him. What does this mean to you in your context? I am confused.

To know that for Arlo, I am NOT non-negotiable really bothered me.
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You would like to hold what position in his life post divorce? What position would he like? Do they match?

At any rate, I do see you struggle and hurt and I am very sorry. :(

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you hurt and struggle right now. It must be hard to be willing to let go of this....



....when you just got there. I wonder if you had hoped that stage would last longer and if the realization that it might not is the main struggle rather than the philosophies.

Galagirl
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Very true, @Galagirl. Yes. I would have been happy to stay that way indefinitely, if he was happy too.
 
I'm sorry things aren't happening the way you want them to. :(

I think if he is serious about finding a monogamous partner, he's the one who need to let YOU go. He's using you as a place holder until he finds something better, and that is neither ethical nor loving. you deserve someone who is upright enough to either love you or leave you and not dangle you in limbo for their own comfort.

For your own sanity and emotional well-being, I think it's time you cut it off, because as long as you let him, he'll use you for his own benefit and whatever relationship you have will be at the mercy of any new and shiny he picks up.

I'm sorry it sucks. :(
 
Yeah, I don't understand all the judgment being hurled at you right now, especially when you did not ask for a re-cap of events/dynamics as if you've been completely clueless (anyone who has read your blog can see how incredibly self-aware, honest, and compassionate you have been regarding the situation). Instead, you simply came here hurting and feeling vulnerable, and asked for some comforting words on how to cope with the end of a long-term partnership that still means a great deal to you. Why all the finger-wagging?

LoveBunny, my situation was very different and I was absolutely devastated (and suicidal) when my monogamous marriage ended, mostly because it came out of left field and was a complete surprise when my husband asked for a divorce. I hated that he made the decision for both of us. I told him that I would have been more accepting of it and handled it much better if we had at least been discussing it in therapy together and mutually agreed to end of it. I suspect that is part of what you're going through, too.

All I can say is that time will heal the wound, as corny as it sounds. You put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, and be as kind to yourself as you can be. If you feel ready to burst into tears, then find a way to give a yourself a safe space and some time to weep. If you need company, call a friend. If you need Band-Aid sex, call a lover who will be nurturing and compassionate about your situation. You will get through this rough period and will be okay.
 
Thank you, @NYCindie. I know you have read my posts carefully, and I very much appreciate your words on this matter. I suppose our "part-time" arrangement has allowed us both to not quite deal with the breakup of our marriage, and perhaps the time has come.

@IRainyGrlJenny, I don't believe Arlo would ever purposefully use me for his own gratification in any way, and I do want to be a safe place for him if that relationship disappoints. But you bring up a good point, that the constant worry that I'll be left whenever a new woman comes along might prove detrimental to my own well-being.

We both have a lot to think about while he's away.
 
LoveBunny said:
the constant worry that I'll be left whenever a new woman comes along might prove detrimental to my own well-being.
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Well, this isn't a "worry," as in some theoretical imagining...Arlo has made it very clear that he'll leave you whenever he has another relationship that is willing to commit exclusively to him. Even if this current relationship doesn't work out, you know he'll still be looking for the right woman for him. And as soon as another materializes, he'll be out of your bed and into hers.

This is a legitimate concern.

As you've said,

LoveBunny said:
I suppose our "part-time" arrangement has allowed us both to not quite deal with the breakup of our marriage
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and I totally agree. It has. I'm not sure who is using who here :) or if either of you are. It's quite possible that Arlo does not MEAN to use you like this, yet can't help falling back into a relationship with you whenever he doesn't have a monogamous relationship that would force him to back away from you. Regardless, you KNOW this is not healthy for either of you.

I think you need to be the strong one and set firm boundaries, especially when it comes to any sort of physical intimacy. For both your sanities.
 
Hi LoveBunny,

I don't have any advice of any great value to give, just wanted to say I know that breaking up is hell, even if you know it's the right thing to do. I hope you and Arlo both find some healing in the months ahead.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi LoveBunny,

just wanted to say I know that breaking up is hell, even if you know it's the right thing to do.
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Thank you, Kevin. That is a very true statement.
 
I've been in a similar position to the one you're in now. I had one serious relationship during my 20s. We met when we were both 19 and we broke up not long before my 30th birthday.

We were best friends. Our lives changed and we grew together. We had our first pets as a couple, bought our first homes and cars together. We cared deeply for each other. There were serious incompatibilities between us and eventually when we couldn't find a way to deal with them, we came to the conclusion that we had to break up. That if we stayed together we were likely to start feeling bitterly toward each other, that resentment would take hold over our differences. We didn't want to end up hating each other so we went our separate ways. It was all utterly amicable. Our families commented that we did everything as a team - including breaking up.

We both expected to remain close friends. Then my ex met a new partner very quickly after the end of our relationship. Within just a few months.

I was pleased for him. And relieved. He liked being in a relationship, liked having one close person to share everything with. I was worried when we broke up that he might find it hard to meet somebody new so when he did meet a new person I was pleased.

At first it seemed like it would be good all round. His new person said initially that she was happy he and I were so friendly. Pleased to know that he was capable of maintaining a friendship even through such a stressful time. Then after a while she became less and less comfortable with it. It bothered her that we were still friends and she found it hard to deal with.

I didn't want to put their new relationship under pressure so I backed away. I didn't suggest meeting up and when my ex didn't either we just stopped. My ex and his new person have been married for years now and have a child together. We aren't close any more and contact is limited to an e-mail every year or so. He is happy and settled and so glad that we made the choice to break up. I am pleased for him.

When it became clear that I would lose his friendship due to his new relationship I went through a horrible period of stress and sadness. It wasn't pleasant at all. I reminded myself that time to myself was what I'd wanted. I turned my attention to learning. I studied subjects that fascinated me. I made new friends. I gained a degree. I gained an informal qualification that means more to me than the degree. I was sad some of the time but also so happy lots of the time.

I learned that I can live on my own and be very happy - in fact, I learned that living alone is something I enjoy very much. I learned that I very much enjoy being single with a group of friends. I avoided romantic relationships altogether. I learned that I no longer like casual sex and that I value time with friends so much that when I am busy working and studying I would rather spend time with my friends than seek a sexual partner. I discovered that I can be sexually happy with only myself as a partner. :)

When I finished my degree I reached out to older friends who I hadn't seen in a long time. I added them to my groups of newer friends. One of those friends is my partner of 4 years. (I tell him that being with him is a tiny bit better than being single - he sees it as the enormous compliment that it is).

The breakup has been positive for both my ex and I but for me at least, it needed time before I felt happy.

I wish you well and hope that you are happy again soon.

IP
 
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