Lied to and hurt

D

DarthJMM

New member
My wife (call her Rene) and I have been married just shy of 4 years. With her, I am good, she's wonderful. She is helping me through an issue with my (now ex)gf (call her Mel). She and I had been dating for the last 2 and some change years, almost 3. (wife and I have been open all our marriage) On Saturday, I took Mel out with Rene and a couple friends because she was starting a new job today, between that and school, I thought she could use a break.

Mel usually spends the night after, but she pushed that off, stating she wanted to come home after. We were ok with that, I knew she was busy. But while we were eating, an accidental glance at Mel's phone while she was on Facebook showed me her last name was changed to her roommates and her status was married. Mel had told me she deleted her old account and started a new one with which she friended me again. Turns out, she merely opened a brand new one without deleting the old one. There, she unfriended me and blocked me.

When asked about it, she stated that she did it so people wouldn't feel sorry for her not being with someone (though she was) and it was not real. I had looked up her supposed roommate and there was a pic of them looking like a couple. Now, I new she had some feelings for him, and it was ok for her to pursue something, but I needed to know. From the comments, he had said they were married recently.

I confronted Mel about it and she said they were and weren't really. That she wanted to try with him and we would dial things back to friends with benefits. I later last night remembered another pic that had her, him, her kids and his kid looking well dressed and happy. It was tagged at the AGs office and so I did a quick records check and it turns out there IS a marriage record for them on June 25.

Mel had stayed over twice after that date, we slept together though there was no sex, she claimed her period, and I still believe it was true, as she has bad cramps during. Both times Mel exposed her breasts to me and the second time I touched and kissed them.

Guys, her husband from what I have heard is not into the lifestyle and has no idea what went on between us. Add to it, Mel and I had sex not too long before they married. Consent and knowledge is big for me, as RRene always meets a prospective partner and makes sure the consent is given on her end. It would be one thing if she and her prospective now true husband and I had spoken and he gave consent, but without, I feel like a creep.

Not sure what to do. Mel made me promise not to tell him anything but it seems to me that the last lie negates the promise.
 
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Oh, one other thing, Rene has been a great help last night letting me talk things out. She knew I love Mel (still do, just don't like her very much right now) and she is being very supportive.

I feel I should tell him and apologize for what Mel did and is doing (she wants to continue being physically affectionate including sex)

Any advice is welcome.
 
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My advice is end the relationship with Mel.

Mind your own business and do not contact her husband.
 
DarthJMM said:
I feel I should tell him and apologize for what Mel did and is doing (she wants to continue being physically affectionate including sex).
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If you decide to, be sure to understand that you cannot apologize for what she is doing. You can only apologize for what you did.
 
Tinwen said:
If you decide to, be sure to understand that you cannot apologize for what she is doing. You can only apologize for what you did.
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I know, I think it just came out wrong. Had I known, I never would have done anything with Mel nor allowed her to stay over.

What makes it worse, is that with her older daughter who is in college, (call her Hannah) I've stepped up and done a lot for her that her dad should do but he's not in the picture. I can't just totally walk away, as Hannah wants me around and I want to continue to be there for her.
 
If Hannah is in college that means that, really, she is an adult person. She can choose who to remain close to for herself. Even if you don't maintain a relationship with her mother doesn't mean you can't maintain a relationship with her. I have a friend, Dusty, that has a friendship with her ex's daughter even though she and her ex are not even on speaking terms. Dusty's ex absolutely hates the fact that Dusty and her daughter still speak but the daughter is a young adult and able to choose her own friendships.

If you and Hannah want to maintain a relationship, even if her mum is not comfortable with it, that's up to you and Hannah.
 
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thanks, assets, that helps. It mirrors what Rene said last night. I will attend her senior concert (she's in orchestra) and graduation. I won't sit near Mel and her husband, but I promised I will be civil to them. I already promised Hannah that no matter what, I will be there for her.
 
Time to break up (you already did?).

Don't read social media. Block it. You're out. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Its hard, but just stop.
 
Hi DarthJMM,

I suggest you transition your relationship with Mel to just an acquaintance. If Hannah still wants you to be her friend, you can do that. I think I would not interfere with whatever Mel's got going with her newlywed husband. If there are things she should tell him, let her be responsible for that.

Sorry that happened, I know you must be hurting right now.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm not sure that you should leave her husband in the dark. If she lied to him as well as to you about something that important he could use a heads up. He may not thank you for it but it seems not right for Mel to make either of you into her dirty little secret. Don't do it aggressively, as though for revenge on Mel. Perhaps just a hint that you wish she had let you know that they got married when she visited you those times.

There may be more big lies you have not found out about yet.

Leetah
 
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Ok, guys, thanks for the advice. I decided to tell Sam (Mel's husband) the truth. He took it as well as can be expected. (at least he didn't hit me or yell at me) I felt horrible and constantly apologized and said but I think you need to know the truth. Turned out, she was lying to both of us. When Mel and I went on dates or she spent the night, she told him she was hanging out with Rene, not mentioning me at all. I asked Sam to confirm the dates for their marriage and engagement and he told me they got engaged on Christmas. I'm pretty sure I turned white since I had to tell him that she and I had sex a few times after the engagement.

One thing I did emphasize is I did tell him we slept together after the marriage, but that we did not have sex any time. I emphasized that I would never have continued with a romantic and sexual relationship with Mel if I had known the truth unless he had personally given me his ok. He told me he appreciated me having the courage to come to him and tell him the truth man to man. I gave him my number and let him know he could call or text me anytime. He has my full support for whatever he decides to do. We shook hands and I left.

So, naturally, I hear from Mel and she says never talk to me again. I'm ok with that, I already spoke (talked, no texts) with Hannah and I had to explain things to her, Mel never told her anything (though she assured me she did, y'all see a pattern here?), she did suspect, but she was glad I told her and Hannah and I are ok, she still wants me in her life. I reiterated that I promise to be there for her if she needs me for anything. I promised to be there for Hannah's senior concert and graduation. I did promise her I will be civil to Mel.

I warned Hannah that Mel might call her and try to sabotage things between us, but she said she was not happy with Mel for doing what she did to both Sam and I. I did remind her that Mel is still her mother and to be respectful (but firm)
 
Wow, I cannot fathom how someone with whom you'd been in a close, intimate relationship for over two years could so easily lie to you about such a huge change in her life. Sure makes you wonder what her motivation was and what kind of person she truly is.

Well, I think you did the right thing and handled it all very well.
 
nycindie said:
Wow, I cannot fathom how someone with whom you'd been in a close, intimate relationship for over two years could so easily lie to you about such a huge change in her life. Sure makes you wonder what her motivation was and what kind of person she truly is.

Well, I think you did the right thing and handled it all very well.
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Yeah, the pain of it was that apparently the entire time Mel and I were together, she and Sam were too. One thing when just dating, but still, you don't lie to your partners. But the second they got engaged or were thinking about it, she should have told me so I could back off to just friends. Or, come out to Sam that she desired a poly relationship with us both. I think that's what Mel really wanted, but she went about it completely the wrong way.
 
I commend you for being up front and honest as soon as possible after realizing there were shenanigans afoot.

You did the right thing even though Mel and her poor behaviors put you in a deplorable situation.

Carry on as you are doing -- honest and up front with all affected parties.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
I commend you for being up front and honest as soon as possible after realizing there were shenanigans afoot.

You did the right thing even though Mel and her poor behaviors put you in a deplorable situation.

Carry on as you are doing -- honest and up front with all affected parties.

Galagirl
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Thank you. I told Sam that he can call or text me any time. I will support him with whatever he chooses.
 
I have to agree DarthJMM, you did the right thing.
 
The hell of it is, I think I understand in a way. Mel had said before "I want what you and Rene have." Looking back, it sounds more like she wanted the marriage that Rene and I have, but that due to polygamy laws, I can't give Mel (I would have married her in a heartbeat) but also the poly aspects, too. She just chose the wrong way to go about it.

She should have come out to Sam before accepting his proposal, explaining "I love both you and Darth, I am in a relationship with him and want to continue with Darth while being with you as well. Can you accept that?" Between that and a conversation between all partners, I would have been ok continuing.
 
She should have come out to Sam before accepting his proposal, explaining "I love both you and Darth, I am in a relationship with him and want to continue with Darth while being with you as well. Can you accept that?" Between that and a conversation between all partners, I would have been ok continuing.
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Yes. That would have been up front and honest behavior out of Mel. Way more ethical.

Galagirl
 
Well, well, well, the lie train just keeps on going. After talking to Hannah tonight, she told me that Mel and Sam are fine and nothing changed. Apparently, she managed to convince him that I made it all up. Holy hell, that did it with me. If he wants to believe her bullshit, then so be it. Who the heck would lie about that? Geez, that could have gotten my ass kicked!

Sadly, Hannah says she has dealt with this a long time, I think her mother just lies and uses people. Rene and I have reached out to Hannah and let her know she has a place with us if she wants. Thankfully, she lives with her grandmother during the off times from school. Sometimes she stayed with her mother, but I told her: "If you don't want to stay with them, don't. You're old enough to decide where you want to be. If something happens to your grandma, Rene and I will welcome you" And yes, we spoke before I said that to Hannah.

I don't hate Mel, I do pity her, one of these days she will be found out and it will be bad.
 
After talking to Hannah tonight, she told me that Mel and Sam are fine and nothing changed. Apparently, she managed to convince him that I made it all up.
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Super cognitive dissonance. Or he knows he lives with an ill person. A pathological liar? And is choosing to let this one go because there's other fish to fry you /Hannah are not aware of?

Whatever it is... Doesn't really matter. You alerted him, offered help if he wants to avail himself. So now he knows and he does not want your help so you can let it go. You are out of it. How they handle Mel's issues in future is their problem.

I don't hate Mel, I do pity her, one of these days she will be found out and it will be bad.
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Probably.

I think you have done what you can here.

I'm very sorry you had to deal in this.

Galagirl
 
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