I am sorry you struggle.
I'm also sorry it takes being at this place... on the brink of divorce... before either of you start being fully honest with yourselves and each other.
I wonder why that is?
What I was worried about was how many people we knew who's relationships were falling apart due to infidelity. Prior to marriage I had only two relationships and sexual partners while my husband who was older has had many more. This wasn't a problem for me from a jealously pov but I worried that I had missed out on some things and it could cause me to stray later on.
You were not honest with yourself there.
My IC knows also knows how insecure and resentful I am. These things existed before I tried this and she thinks I used it as a band-aid. Like I said I never really got to experience different people before my husband, while he on the other hand has had numerous partners. I know this shouldn't bother me but it does.
You are more honest here. You ARE envious/resentful that your husband had more past partners/experiences than you.
You were also a bit naive. "Poly" is not cheat proof. There are people who cheat on their poly agreements just like there are people who cheat on their mono agreements. It's the integrity and character of the people that makes them keep/change their agreements rather than cheat on them.
It's not the relationship "shape" -- mono or poly -- that keeps people from cheating on their agreements.
My IC told me she thinks I used it as an excuse because of my own issues. I find myself agreeing with her, because of a two questions she asked. How would I have reacted if the situation was reversed. And with my issues could I have handled my husband running his scorecard up even more. The answer to both of them is pretty hypocritical, because I would have been angry , jealous etc.
You guys were Closed and married. Why's there still a "score card?" I thought past dating life was set aside in favor of married life.
Are you in competition with his "score card?" That might be stuff to work out with your counselor.
In his opinion people ask for open marriages or poly because they already have someone picked out. That was why he didn't say anything, at least he knew so he wouldn't catch anything from me instead of me hiding it. That was one of the reasons he stopped having sex with me. He did apologize for not being honest but he was protecting himself.
When I brought up the idea he said he never felt so self consicious before and like a failure as both a husband and man. That my issues about lack of experience were almost just as bad, that because I didn't slut it up that he should be okay with me sleeping with other people. He also reminded me that when we had the talk about our pasts he didn't care whether I slept with 1 or 100 people before we dated.
When it came to the party he felt like stud being evaluated and it was insulting. That as I pointed about the differences in past partners that he couldn't go out and get laid. He also told me that one of the couples there that I only knew through people propositioned him that night. They wanted a threesome with him after the party. He never told me this.
This is where it gets rough. He told me he's still in love with me and probably always will be. But he's scared he might wake one day years from now and hate himself or me. And he doesn't want that especially with kids involved which we both want. He wants us both to be happy and now where he saw a happy future it's a nightmare.
I'm glad he opened up. I'm glad he apologized for not speaking up sooner. I'm sad that he didn't see
emotional honesty as an important part of holding a marriage together. I wonder why that is? I suppose you could ask him.
What's he protecting himself FROM? I get the vibe it isn't only STD fears. Is it feeling vulnerable? His wife understanding him better? Asking for DADT to stave off you dumping HIM? I suppose you could ask that too. Not to blame or anything but to seek greater understanding in the hopes of going forward better.
Though he did agree to hold off for two months, to get things straightened out with finances and clearing his head. I hope that might be a small window to try and work things out but I know I'm desperate too.
I hope you two are able to work things out. You seem to want to try. You could ask if he's willing to try with marriage counseling.
If you do try? I suggest you both accept the past marriage is over. Move forward thinking about how the NEW marriage will be. Because you cannot continue like before. There were hidden issues before things came to light. They need solving. Postpone having children for a few years.
Really make sure this new marriage has strong foundations. This experience has shown you both places where you were not strong and places where you each have things to work on.
I dropped a bomb on our marriage and I'm the one who brought issues into the marriage even before this. He's not perfect but I'm the one who needs to fix her shit.
I would say there is "my stuff, your stuff, and our stuff."
- Some of the stuff? That's all your stuff. You have to sort that part out yourself.
- Some of the stuff? That's all his stuff. He has to sort that part out himself.
- Some of the stuff? That's shared stuff. Some of that stuff you have to sort out together.
If you do decide to try to work things out, perhaps thinking of things that way helps be more realistic. Taking it like it is ALL your stuff... that's not right. You didn't bring issues into the marriage. They were already there. What you did was suggest Open/Poly stuff. He said ok, even though he really didn't want to. And all this shone a light on all the cracks you guys didn't notice or acknowledge honestly before:
- Your insecurity/resentments -- the ones that the counselor thinks are there all along that you were trying to "bandaid" with poly.
- Your regretting (?) that you chose to get serious rather than play the field.
- You feeling resentful/envious of his past before he knew you because he did play the field more.
- You fearing husband would think you are boring in bed due to lack of experience
- You fearing you will find him/marriage boring and cheat like your friends cheated
- Him jumping to conclusions that you were already cheating or had someone in the wings rather than asking for clarification or more data as to why you wanted to try Open.
- Him not being totally honest because he felt the need to "protect himself" from what? His own jumping to conclusions?
- In his worldview -- is thinking about something the same as doing it? So you thinking about Open is the same as you doing it?
- You both takes things personally rather than situationally.
- You seem to take his past as a ding on you like you want to even the scorecard. Or his past as the measure of how he values/appreciates you. (Like... how can I measure up when he's had all these other partners?) Rather than letting his past be the PAST instead of letting it color your present/future.
- He takes you talking about opening as a ding on him like he's a failure as a man and husband because he cannot keep his wife interested. Rather than letting it be about you needing to resolve some personal issues with resentment/envy. He could have declined to Open, seen that it is (you wresting with inner problems) rather than it being (about him being a failure as a man/husband). Instead he agreed to Open when he didn't really want that because... he thought you were cheating on him already? What's that do? Make it NOT be cheating if he agrees?
I don't know what other things there may be.
If he's not willing to try again and repair foundations? Then he's simply not. You will have to find a way to make peace with that. And still sort out your part of the stuff in the interest of becoming a healthier, stronger person in general.
If he is willing? This is opportunity for both of you to finally get around to REALLY getting to know each other and what you each value, your worldviews, and a chance to change your way of going in favor of total honesty with yourselves and each other. Talk about what place "emotional honesty" and "emotional resilience" and "healthy problem solving" have in your future marriage if you guys decide to try again.
It sounds like for a time, he tried to "ostrich" rather than face problems head on.
You guys are 4 years in.
That's the make it or break it point. People talk about it like 7 year itch, but from what I read it is 4 year itch.
I'm sorry honesty and other things were lacking before. See what can be rebuilt.
It's best you sort all that stuff above out before having children, though.
You have my sympathies though. I can imagine things are rough right now.
Hang in there.
Galagirl