Life Partnership Ended

K

katja24

New member
I haven't posted in here for a while.
I am in the darkest period of my life so far. My primary/life partnership of the past 13 years ended this fall. I moved out over two months ago. We were monogamous for 4.5 years and were open the rest of the time after that (initially swinging that morphed into polyam). We had lots of ups and downs in our relationship, which I think primarily originated in differences in love languages and priorities around family and career.
My ex (which is what I guess he is now) and I still communicate about our dogs (they're with me full time and he's continuing to help with their care) and money that is still integrated. It does not feel possible right now to have a complete break in contact.
Before I moved out, my ex wanted us to try living separate and dating, but no longer having shared financial resources or as much time together. I told him that I didn't know how to "scale back" our primary relationship. We broke up.
He started dating his girlfriend over six months ago and they are still together. I have zero happiness for their relationship. She moved her stuff into the bedroom I used to share with him. They went to Cabo for a week shortly after I moved out. And I'm sure there's more that I am not privy to.
I am honestly confused by the level of rage and betrayal I feel towards my ex and his girlfriend. It's as if it was an affair. The thought of going into my old house and seeing her stuff there makes me want to vomit and cry. The knowledge that they share similar sexual fantasies that he and I did, that she used my snorkel gear when they went to Mexico, that he bought her a gym membership to the gym we used to go to together- all of it makes my blood boil and the tears not stop.
I don't know how to process our 13 year relationship and let go all of the future plans that were part of our life partnership. I don't know how to preserve any amount of friendship and not drain it of any goodness left by the venom I feel towards this relationship of his.
To make things extra layered and adding to my feelings of hypocrisy, I have been dating my girlfriend for over a year. I am devoted to her and our relationship and we are making lots of future plans.
I guess what I am looking for is empathy and validation, perspective, or kind feedback. thanks for reading~
k
 
I am sorry, Katja. It is painful and difficult when a partnership we had thought was forever, ends. You are grieving. Anger is a natural stage of grief. It will lessen and pass eventually, with time. Be gentle with yourself! I find it helps to not judge my emotions, just observe them. Don't try to rush the process. Definitely make sure you're taking care of yourself: get adequate sleep, exercise, do kind things for yourself.... even when you don't feel like it! And, if you need help processing the breakup, find a good therapist who has experience with poly relationships.

It would also be best if you could have a period of no contact with your ex. If that's not possible, minimize your contact and take smaller breaks when able.

((Hugs))
 
Wow, it really sounds like he is taking all of the things you considered to be part of your relationship as things that are his to do with what he wishes.

Sharing activities and interests between relationships is very hard and if not done with care can be a minefield of hurt. You built a life together and he has now moved his new partner into your place in that life. That certainly feels bad and inconsiderate to me.
It sounds like he was careless with your shared interests and your shared space.
Is all of this post breakup, or did they do these things together before you broke up? Either situation has different implications to your place in his life and neither are clean easy things to process.
Were these shared activities things you had talked about sharing before?

I am very interested in this because I am navigating a similar situation at the moment, where I am trying to balance my life between relationships where one is much longer term than another, and I live with one partner and not the other, but my relationships need more of a balance than they had previously.

Going only on what you have said, you said that you decided to leave because you didn't feel you could make enough space in your relationship for what his new relationship was becoming. He did ask for what he wanted, how did your negotiations and communication go after he brought that up? How did you try to work out his need for more space for his new relationship while maintaining your relationship with him?
 
I'm so sorry. :(

No break up is fun. I can only imagine what this might be like for you

I hope things get better for you over time. It sounds pretty fresh right now though since it just happened. :(

Galagirl
 
Hi katja,

I'm sorry this has happened to you, 13 is a lot of years to have to give up. Would you say that this girlfriend of his is the reason for your breakup? Was the breakup mostly his idea? If so, that makes it extra painful.

It's hard when you are hurting and lonely most of the time, it's hard to simultaneously have to see him showering his girlfriend with love and with all the things that used to be yours and his. No wonder you're unhappy about their relationship. It doesn't sound like he's hurting like you are, but maybe I'm reading that wrong.

Time does heal all wounds, but it probably doesn't make you feel any better for me to say that. You just have to get through this difficult time right now. Just getting through it one hour, one minute, even one second at a time, can be excruciating. And you'll probably never heal completely, there'll always be a hole in your heart where this relationship used to be. I'm so sorry you are going through this. :(

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
katja24 said:
I am in the darkest period of my life so far. My primary/life partnership of the past 13 years ended this fall. I moved out over two months ago. We were monogamous for 4.5 years and were open the rest of the time after that.

We had lots of ups and downs in our relationship, which I think primarily originated in differences in love languages and priorities around family and career.

My ex and I still communicate about our dogs (they're with me full time and he's continuing to help with their care) and money that is still integrated. It does not feel possible right now to have a complete break in contact.
Click to expand...

Why not? I think you'd feel much better sooner if you separated your finances ASAP. And the dogs... try not to be there when he comes to pick them up. If possible, do most of their care so there's no reason for him to come to your place. You are torturing yourself.

Most of the time, when there's a breakup, it's recommended that you go "no contact" for at least 40 days. Absolutely no contact, no messaging, no calls, no meeting in person. Hide him on your social media. Don't be "friends" with his gf either. It really works! 40 days sounds like a random number, but it's really what it takes to begin a solid and real separation, and a move in a different direction.

You don't need to know where they are going or what they are doing, either in your formerly shared home, or out and about. Your wounds can't heal if you keep ripping off fresh scabs. Take a long break. It works!

I personally have found that I can't be friends with an ex until at least 6 months have gone by. No contact for 40 days, and very very limited contact after that.

Before I moved out, my ex wanted us to try living separate and dating, but no longer having shared financial resources or as much time together. I told him that I didn't know how to "scale back" our primary relationship. We broke up.
Click to expand...

If he wants to separate finances, is it you that doesn't want to? It sounds like it's over, but you're in denial. This is a normal stage of grief, it's OK. The dogs, the money, thin threads holding you "together," but all that contact does is stab you in the heart.

He started dating his girlfriend over six months ago, and they are still together. I have zero happiness for their relationship. She moved her stuff into the bedroom I used to share with him. They went to Cabo for a week shortly after I moved out. And I'm sure there's more that I am not privy to.
Click to expand...

You shouldn't be privy to any of it! Who is telling you all this? Her? Him? Cut off contact.

I am honestly confused by the level of rage and betrayal I feel towards my ex and his girlfriend. It's as if it was an affair. The thought of going into my old house and seeing her stuff there makes me want to vomit and cry. The knowledge that they share similar sexual fantasies that he and I did, that she used my snorkel gear when they went to Mexico, that he bought her a membership to the gym we used to go to together- all of it makes my blood boil and the tears not stop.
Click to expand...

You shouldn't know any of this either. You definitely shouldn't know their sexual fantasies!!

I don't know how to process our 13 year relationship, and let go all of the future plans that were part of our life partnership. I don't know how to preserve any amount of friendship, and not drain it of any goodness left by the venom I feel towards this relationship of his.
Click to expand...

Again, a friendship can't grow now. It's too fresh. Take a good long break.
To make things extra layered and adding to my feelings of hypocrisy, I have been dating my girlfriend for over a year. I am devoted to her and our relationship, and we are making lots of future plans.
Click to expand...

There is no reason to feel hypocritical. Go ahead and enjoy your gf. Just be in the moment with her, and make your fun romantic bonding plans. That will help.

There are reasons you and your ex broke up. You were no longer compatible. You didn't share love languages, goals for starting a family, integrating careers. Sure, you loved him. You love him still. Maybe in a way you always will, a little. But you grew apart. You can appreciate what you had, and begin to move on.
 
I'm sorry you are going through this. I know what it's like to lose someone. I can't add a whole lot to what Pink said about grieving and the different stages other than I agree. I also agree with Pink and Mags about the no contact thing. It is surprising how that affects healing. It is so much easier to deal with someone after that time apart to heal.
 
katja24 said:
I haven't posted in here for a while.
I am in the darkest period of my life so far. My primary/life partnership of the past 13 years ended this fall. I moved out over two months ago. We were monogamous for 4.5 years and were open the rest of the time after that (initially swinging that morphed into polyam). We had lots of ups and downs in our relationship, which I think primarily originated in differences in love languages and priorities around family and career.
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear this breakups and dissolving relationships is never easy. You had lots of ups and downs originating in differences in love languages and priorities of family and careers are you saying that these 3 things eventually killed your relationship?

My ex (which is what I guess he is now) and I still communicate about our dogs (they're with me full time and he's continuing to help with their care) and money that is still integrated. It does not feel possible right now to have a complete break in contact.
Before I moved out, my ex wanted us to try living separate and dating, but no longer having shared financial resources or as much time together. I told him that I didn't know how to "scale back" our primary relationship. We broke up.
He started dating his girlfriend over six months ago and they are still together.
Click to expand...

How many partners did he have at the time your relationship was ending ?? It sounds like he found a new gf after you broke up? Is that correct ?


And how have your other partner or partners help you through this tough time?
These things usually bring people closer together.
 
Saw this before and meant to chime in, but this month has been busy. But yeah, I get this from both sides. I get both wanting to fill the void and enjoy your activities again after losing the partner you did them with, AND seeing your ex partner enjoy them without you. It's never easy. My heart goes out to you.
 
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