Limerence? please help me understand

N

neverendingstory

New member
Please, will someone help me figure this out?

Sorry for long post!

I'm poly for 4 years, married 10 years.

I met a poly man a year ago, and the connection and chemistry was other-dimensional right from the first touch. I have dated many men, but never had anyone come close to this. We spent our time just looking in each other's eyes, and time stood still. I felt like I had been asleep my whole life and finally felt what love was supposed to feel like.

My husband eventually felt threatened by our relationship and vetoed it, making me choose between the two of them. I chose my husband. We have kids and house and good friendship.

My husband has a relationship which is at the point of them being in love, so it felt unfair.

Now it's been 4 months since I broke things off and I'm still in the same place, thinking every hour of the day about him, feeling like my life will be spent waiting for him, even to the point of feeling excited to die for the possibility to be with him in the next life.

I have been trying to figure out if this is limerence, and I need to work on myself, or if it was actually real love waiting to bloom further, and if I should try to push the boundaries with my husband. I feel like I can't live like this. I guess part of the problem was that we didn't really break up but were forced apart by external forces.

Can someone relate or comment?
 
I'm sorry this is happening :( Vetoes do seem unfair.

I don't know how I would have coped. I probably wouldn't have broken up, and then I'd make a mess of the whole rest of my life. So, regardless if it was a good decision or not to honor the veto, you can commend yourself for some excellent self-restraint.

neverendingstory said:
I have been trying to figure out if this is limerence and I need to work on myself, or if it was actually real love waiting to bloom further and if I should try to push the boundaries with my husband. I feel like I can't live like this.
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If it helps you any, I think this is a false dichotomy. It is limerance! At the same time, perhaps it could have grown into a loving relationship.
[Evie will come along and tell us that limerance is by definition unreciprocated, so we're using the term wrong, but I know what you mean-- the hormonal and anxious rush that makes you obsessed.]

The decision you need to make, whether to try to renegotiate and perhaps restart the relationship, or whether you "wait it out" with all the support you can get and let it fade, isn't about real love. There is some kind of potential, but you can't know where it would lead you unless you go down that road.
 
I think vetoes between a poly couple are wrong. I do believe they are becoming less popular. No outside person should be able to cut off another person's relationship, or control it so completely.

I assume you and your husband agreed, for some reason, to have vetoes. But if his only reason for vetoing this budding relationship was because you were "too in love," that is invalid and I wouldn't honor it. If you were neglecting your husband, and raving on and on to him about the new guy, then you and husband could have discussed this and made more effort to give each other quality time. Maybe your "limerance," or NRE (new relationship energy) overwhelmed you and you checked out of the marriage. In that case, you could have made an effort to rein it in.

But from what you've written, I don't understand why your husband felt "threatened." Polyamory is about multiple loves. He loves you and another. You love him and were infatuated with another. Fair is fair. That's polyamory.
 
Yeh, I’m confused by the rationale behind a veto with no qualifying reason for it. It sounds like he was feeling threatened, which is not a good enough reason for full veto powers. Icky.

If he’s gonna insist on playing by dumb rules, threaten veto unless you are also allowed to “be in love” with a partner. If he can veto for little to no reason, you can too.

Or he could talk about his feelings like a grown up instead of playing games with your life for his own comfort.

(Just imagine me popping up opposite Magdlyn, but dressed like a sexy devil)
 
neverendingstory said:
My husband eventually felt threatened by our relationship and vetoed it, making me choose between the two of them. I chose my husband. We have kids and house and good friendship.

My husband has a relationship which is at the point of them being in love, so it felt unfair.
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How long has your husband been in a relationship? Before or after you had to breakup with your partner?

Personally, I wouldn't have broken up, especially if my own partner is dating and in love, and insisting on it to be equitable.

I don't think it's limerence, it's most likely the aftermath of your NRE that hasn't been able to fully and freely bloom into a relationship. When a person has to forsake a loved one to justify another I wouldn't call that polyamory. In fact, it's the opposite of compersion.
 
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Hello neverendingstory,
I draw my perspective from the following:
I don't conflate limerence with NRE because limerence has such a distinct flavor of insecurity ("What if they don't love me back?"). NRE can be that way, but if anything it tends to make one overly confident. Also NRE is almost always shared between two people -- they both have NRE for each other -- while limerence is more defined as being felt only by one person (for another). For me, NRE and limerence have differing flavors.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.
 
I feel the need to defend the husband who vetoed now, because there have been so many voices against. He's no monster! It seems they had a veto agreement, he felt terrible, so he vetoed. It's very understandable. None of them expected it would be so painful months down the road.
 
Tinwen said:
I feel the need to defend the husband who vetoed now, because there have been so many voices against. He's no monster! It seems they had a veto agreement, he felt terrible, so he vetoed. It's very understandable. None of them expected it would be so painful months down the road.
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Super fair. A lot of where the rubber meets the road is the agreed upon terms of the veto. I made some assumptions regarding how robust those rules were, but you’re right; it’s not fair to vilify someone for using their agreed-upon rights.
 
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