Limerence? please help me understand

N

neverendingstory

New member
Would someone please help me figure this out?

Sorry for the long post.

I've been polyamorous for 4 years, married 10 years.

I met a poly man a year ago. The connection and chemistry were other-dimensional, right from the first touch. I have dated many men, but never had anyone come close to this. When we looked into each other's eyes, time stood still. I felt like I had been asleep my whole life, but suddenly, finally, knew what love was supposed to be.

My husband eventually felt threatened by our relationship and vetoed it, making me choose between the two of them. I chose my husband. We have kids and a house and a good friendship.

My husband has a relationship which is at the point of them being in love, so it feels unfair.

Now it's been four months since I broke things off with him, and I'm still in the same place, thinking about him every hour of the day, feeling like my life will be spent waiting for him, even to the point of feeling excited to die for the possibility to be with him in the next life.

I have been trying to figure out if this is limerence, and I need to work on myself, or if it was actually real love waiting to bloom further, and if I should try to push the boundaries with my husband. I feel like I can't live like this. I guess part of the problem was that we didn't really break up, but were forced apart by external forces.

Can someone relate or comment?
 
I'm sorry this is happening :( Vetoes do seem unfair.

I don't know how I would have coped. I probably wouldn't have broken up, and then I'd make a mess of the whole rest of my life. So, regardless if it was a good decision or not to honor the veto, you can commend yourself for some excellent self-restraint.

neverendingstory said:
I have been trying to figure out if this is limerence and I need to work on myself, or if it was actually real love waiting to bloom further and if I should try to push the boundaries with my husband. I feel like I can't live like this.
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If it helps you any, I think this is a false dichotomy. It is limerance! At the same time, perhaps it could have grown into a loving relationship.
[Evie will come along and tell us that limerance is by definition unreciprocated, so we're using the term wrong, but I know what you mean-- the hormonal and anxious rush that makes you obsessed.]

The decision you need to make, whether to try to renegotiate and perhaps restart the relationship, or whether you "wait it out" with all the support you can get and let it fade, isn't about real love. There is some kind of potential, but you can't know where it would lead you unless you go down that road.
 
I think vetoes between a polyamorous couple are wrong. I do believe they are becoming less popular. No outside person should be able to cut off another person's relationship, or control it so completely.

I assume you and your husband agreed, for some reason, to have vetoes. But if his only reason for vetoing this budding relationship was because you were "too in love," that is invalid and I wouldn't honor it. If you were neglecting your husband, and raving on and on to him about the new guy, then you and husband could have discussed this and made more effort to give each other quality time. Maybe your "limerance," or NRE (new relationship energy) overwhelmed you and you checked out of the marriage. In that case, you could have made an effort to rein it in.

But from what you've written, I don't understand why your husband felt "threatened." Polyamory is about multiple loves. He loves you and another. You love him and were infatuated with another. Fair is fair. That's polyamory.
 
Yeah, I’m confused by the rationale behind a veto with no qualifying reason for it. It sounds like he was feeling threatened, which is not a good enough reason for full veto powers. Icky.

If he’s gonna insist on playing by dumb rules, threaten to veto his other relationship, unless you are also allowed to “be in love” with a partner. If he can veto for little to no reason, you can too.

Or he could talk about his feelings like a grown-up, instead of playing games with your life for his own comfort.

(Just imagine me popping up opposite Magdlyn, but dressed like a sexy devil)
 
neverendingstory said:
My husband eventually felt threatened by our relationship and vetoed it, making me choose between the two of them. I chose my husband. We have kids and house and good friendship.

My husband has a relationship which is at the point of them being in love, so it felt unfair.
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How long has your husband been in a relationship? Did that begin before or after you had to break up with your partner?

Personally, I wouldn't have broken up, especially if my own partner were dating and in love, and insisting on it to be equitable.

I don't think it's limerence, it's most likely the aftermath of your NRE that hasn't been able to fully and freely bloom into a relationship. When a person has to forsake a loved one to justify another, I wouldn't call that polyamory. In fact, it's the opposite of compersion.
 
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Hello neverendingstory,
I draw my perspective from the following:
I don't conflate limerence with NRE because limerence has such a distinct flavor of insecurity ("What if they don't love me back?"). NRE can be that way, but if anything it tends to make one overly confident. Also NRE is almost always shared between two people -- they both have NRE for each other -- while limerence is more defined as being felt only by one person (for another). For me, NRE and limerence have differing flavors.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.
 
I feel the need to defend the husband who vetoed now, because there have been so many voices against. He's no monster! It seems they had a veto agreement, he felt terrible, so he vetoed. It's very understandable. None of them expected it would be so painful months down the road.
 
Tinwen said:
I feel the need to defend the husband who vetoed now, because there have been so many voices against. He's no monster! It seems they had a veto agreement, he felt terrible, so he vetoed. It's very understandable. None of them expected it would be so painful months down the road.
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Super fair. A lot of where the rubber meets the road is the agreed upon-terms of the veto. I made some assumptions regarding how robust those rules were, but you’re right; it’s not fair to vilify someone for using their agreed-upon rights.
 
neverendingstory said:
Would someone please help me figure this out?

Sorry for the long post.

I've been polyamorous for 4 years, married 10 years.

I met a poly man a year ago. The connection and chemistry were other-dimensional, right from the first touch. I have dated many men, but never had anyone come close to this. When we looked into each other's eyes, time stood still. I felt like I had been asleep my whole life, but suddenly, finally, knew what love was supposed to be.

My husband eventually felt threatened by our relationship and vetoed it, making me choose between the two of them. I chose my husband. We have kids and a house and a good friendship.

My husband has a relationship which is at the point of them being in love, so it feels unfair.

Now it's been four months since I broke things off with him, and I'm still in the same place, thinking about him every hour of the day, feeling like my life will be spent waiting for him, even to the point of feeling excited to die for the possibility to be with him in the next life.

I have been trying to figure out if this is limerence, and I need to work on myself, or if it was actually real love waiting to bloom further, and if I should try to push the boundaries with my husband. I feel like I can't live like this. I guess part of the problem was that we didn't really break up, but were forced apart by external forces.

Can someone relate or comment?
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I’m really sorry you’re going through something this painful. What you’re describing sounds incredibly intense, and honestly, very human. Connections like the one you had don’t happen often. When they do, they can shake you to your core and linger long after the relationship ends, especially when the separation wasn’t really a choice but something imposed from outside.
I think many of us in poly spaces can relate to this feeling of being torn between deep, unexpected love and the commitments we’ve already built with another partner. And you’re right, it’s especially complicated when the “breakup” wasn’t a natural ending but more like a door being slammed shut while you were still standing in it.

From my own experience, what you’re describing doesn’t sound shallow or imagined. When a connection hits that profoundly, it leaves an imprint. But I also know that these kinds of feelings can get intensified by the circumstances — the loss, the lack of closure, the what-ifs, the sense of everything being interrupted. It’s not surprising that your mind keeps looping back to it.

What I do want to gently reflect is that feeling like your life revolves around waiting for him, or feeling drawn to thoughts about an “afterlife reunion,” is a sign that the emotional impact is overwhelming you. That doesn’t mean you’re broken or dramatic — it means you’re hurting deeply and deserve support and space to process this in a grounded and compassionate way. You matter now, in this life, and your wellbeing deserves care.

As for whether it was limerence or genuine love, I don’t think it has to be either-or. Sometimes real love can trigger limerence-like intensity, and sometimes limerence can feel like destiny. The heart doesn’t categorize neatly. What does matter is how you move through it, and what you want your life and relationships to look like going forward.
Only you can decide whether it’s something to bring back up with your husband, but I’d encourage doing that from a place of clarity and self-care rather than from a place of desperation or emotional overwhelm. Even in polyamory, fairness doesn’t automatically mean symmetry, and navigating that imbalance is hard.

You’re not alone in this, and you’re not strange for feeling the way you do. People really do grieve these kinds of connections, sometimes for a long time. What you’re feeling is valid, but you also deserve a life where the weight of this isn’t crushing you.
If you want to talk more about the emotional side, how you’re coping, or how others have handled similar situations, I’m here.
 
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