Living Truthfully Within

I tripped down the road thinking I could take it again
the past cant be borught foreward to relive.

but one topsy-turvy moment I thought I could
like spinning around as a child in a park, your arms wild and free
around and around the world goes and sit dow nand look up at the sky, the trees spinning with the leaves..

and its not real you know? you know in a few minutes this will pass
that feelings of lust and love ended
the heart stills it race
beating against your cage

budum budum budum...
until only the silence remains.

And you take that slow exhale, and you realise, the only thing that is real is the ground beneath your feet. this moment. this breathe. The past is gone and faded, and you are sad.
but would you do it again?

Hell Yes. Yes you would.

----------------


Therapy is going well. Not much is going on in my life at the moment. I'm still gaining weight. Still not caring much about it. I keep getting sick this winter. And its me and the cat Lil Miss.

I have not decorated, I have no celebrated and am not celebrating Thanksiving. This year is a year of grief, a year of collective silence where I say my condolences to my children, to my motherhood, to my past. The year before was wild abandon where I ran away from all I was responsible ,where I gave it one last fighting chance to hae them back. and when that failed...I ran. Now I am facing. Now I am standing still in that silent grief. I do not know how long I will be in the place, nor when I am ready to leave it. But that is where I am, and I accept it for now.

I tried things with Z, the man I spoke about earlier, he is yet another blip..now not even a friend. Hes the first person I ever considered dating, and knew ofr any length of time where I actively didn't want to be his friend afterwards. This is because I had two personal issue this last month and he responded appallingly childishly to both. This response made me lose a lot of respect for him.

I tried reaching out instead to Flynn...it broke my heart to do so. I considered monogamy some more. He pushed me away. But he was right..my path is elsewhere. Its ok, it'll be ok. I wont hate him though he wants me to. I never could, his heart is pure. Even if he doesn't see it, even if he never will, I do. He shines so brightly to me.

A guild mate asked advice on poly tonight, I sent them to more than two. This came out rather oddly because his wife is looking for a woman. I said well, she should look at these sites, and rattled off aw hole bunc and told him to have her contact me instead. It's nice to beable to offer advice. I guess I am getting old. :) He's young, and newly married, and they are exploring everything. I get it.

Poly doesn't really ever leave me. Its as much me as breathing. From that first drawing I did when I was 10-11 of two girls and a guy, to now..wether by nature or nuture I am this way. Wether I act on it or not is different, yet I attract unique and strong people to me. Flynn was one of those. I will miss him...

I told my therapist about him, in such desolation. And she said, reframe that thought Star, he didn't get you over your ex- you did. He may have been a catalyst but you did th ework...Flynn would tell me the same. He'd probably be upset that I said he did it. heh. He'd want me to believe in me. He also feels I deserve better than him. Sigh. I don't know if I'll ever find reciprocated love.

I don't love IC. I care for him, I am fond of him, but I am not inlove.
I do love Flynn. but we cannot be. Situation, circumstance...what have you.
It seems to be a pattern, the ones I love don't love me, or CANT be with me for whatever reason, and the ones who do love me I don't return their affections. What is wrong with me with love?
 
Happy thanksgiving everyone.

I woke up with a letter from my ex-husband, about contact with the kids. Hes pushing for me being supervised saying my depression and PTSD is emotionally abusing my kids. Yup, and he waited until the day before thanksgiving to send that. I am sure he is a saint and completely didn't mean to hit me when i'm down. -.- Considering this is my first thanksgiving without any family at all I was understandably devastated. Thankfully due to working with my therapist, I did self care, and it lasted 20 mins. Instead of ruining my whole day.

Been talking to my therapist about cutting out my mother from contact for a bit while I work on my self. I don't do this lightly, but, I spoke to her this afternoon (her morning) about the letter I got from ex. Her response was typical., she changed subjects and didn't even ask how I felt. Ok. Well. Enough. I am done of the merry go round of her, and of my ex. I understand this means I'll probably not see my kids much or interact with them. Stated in the letter was me not being able to call the house, come around....

What have I done letting them be with that monster? I should have fought harder..longer..
Can I still..now?
 
Today has been a peaceful today.
Every Tuesday is therapy. And Today I decided on some healthy boundaries with my mother in order to combat my toxic shame about myself.
One of those is removing her from my facebook.

I also binge watched this week the new girlmore girls 4 episode season on Netflix. I started drawing again, and I cleaned my house from top to bottom. I also sorted out some legal financial things. I have yet to respond to the letter but I am not going to do so without a supporting letter from my therapist.

I feel..empowered, good, and safe. I am doing things I love again. Long baths with candles and a good book to read.

I love my cat so much.
Flynn has been a good friend, although we aren't together, I am happy he is a support network. I have backed off being poly or in any relationships at this time, instead just focusing on the work.

I am almost ready to start that jujitsu. I feel it. Almost ready. PTSD and this shame is a bitch. But I am going to make it. One day at a time.
 
I talked to Flynn about the letter and he pointed out something glaringly obvious that my therapist and Honour didn't see: It's not from anyone official. Its not from a solicitor. It's not from a Social worker, its not even letter headed from the kids school.

So, bearing all that in mind, and bearing in mind the fact he cannot control anything outside of the court order unless other said people are involved, then I don't see any reason why to pay any mind to what he wrote at all!

So I am not doing anything quite yet. I am drafting a response, but I am wording it very carefully. He can't legally stop me or my kids from calling each other. Absurd. So yeah. It was just a letter meant to wind me up to do something he'd have proof of to actually use against me. He has no proof all; hogwash!

I really appreciate Flynn's patience and talking to me about it all. I have been really sick for almost a month. I still haven't properly seen a doctor again about it but I will on Monday.

My daughters birthday was yesterday and we're doing Christmas tree setup and birthday celebration tomorrow when they visit.

I pushed for CSA to be involved with money towards kids, and I was right: since I have a disability I don't owe anything towards child support to him, which means, I can continue to buy and give things to the girls separately with out his grubby hands getting a hold of it.

I have been having terrible insomnia the past month due to ongoing illness. It's horrible!! I want to be able to sleep already.

I am going to do a 10 juice fast before x-mas. Decided on that as a new tradition, instead of focusing on family feasts I cant have because I don't live near family, I am going to focus on continued health and wellness as my new tradition. :)

The work with my therapist is starting to give me a backbone. I am confidently leading my life, I even know what direction I want to go with my art as well. Life is good.

I spoke to IC recently by text asking if he was still up for xmas plans, and he said no he was busy, followed by "I know you're living vicariously through me". What the fuck? I said.."I wouldn't go as far to say that" and that was very british of me to be fair, what I wanted to say was Fuck You, I am not living Vicariously through ANYONE. Right now I am taking ME time. Me time for the first time in my life. You know that time at 18-22 where you work and try to figure your life shit out who you are on your own? I didn't do that, I went straight from crazy mother living with me in university, to living with my now ex-husband, and having kids at 19. I am taking this time to do it , and at 31 I get all that lovely life experience to look back on and not make the same mistakes.

Something that keeps pinging in my head again and again and resonated with such intensity is that even though I identify as Bi and Poly, my core values want to be with someone as "You + me against the world". It's something Flynn said to me, and I am not saying that his opinion changed my mind, or that I am changing what I want for him. It just came to me at a time when I Was evaluating my core-belief system with my therapist. And I thought...yes. I want to be that with someone else, and after having done poly and although I had two very loving relationships, I do not want to deal with the drama of more people.....I want to simplify.

My two core beliefs are
Peace
Power

Peace in the sense of quiet contemplation and no drama.
Power in the sense of having control of myself and my income and my life choices.

Because of my past trust issues with people, I feel that poly would not suit me well long term to help me learn to trust people. I think I need the structure and construct of monogamy to help me feel safe in my new found boundaries. So although I do feel poly is a "Part of who I am" just like Bisexuality is, I also chose not act on those parts of me who I am because the core values are more important to me than those other facets of my personality.

Every relationship has some sort of sacrificial element.

If I am with a woman monogamously I am seen as lesbian.

If I am with a man, Straight. That is my sacrifice.

But if I allow myself to be with both a man and woman, I would most likely have to share that person, and in that uncertainty, I lose out on having something I Want more than being seen as Bisexual and Poly, and that is security.

I cannot seem to create security with poly relationships. I know that doesn't mean that poly is to blame. I know that doesn't mean that it isn't possible. I am just saying for me, the type of people I attract are a specific type...and they are generally the same two types. And they represent the same two type that I grew up around as examples in my life:

1) Peaceful. These types are hard workers, kind, generous, loyal, funny with a smile ready at hand, outgoing, active, like to travel and go out a lot.

2) Powerful. Serious, introverted, prone to giving their all to other people and sacrificing parts of themselves. Driven, but cautious, not as trusting, has a few close friends or none in their circle, prefers to stay in than go out.

I am somewhere in the middle of both these types, but these are consistently the two types that I usually find, regardless of gender. They are not highly compatible types to live together or co-exist around each other easily. Because usually they are also strongly opinionated people as well with very strong core values.

What I have found though, that as I get more and more integrated in myself, I am finding more people on that road as well, that are balanced too on either side of these extremes. And I am enjoying the complexity of discovering Flynn. I have not gotten over him, and I am happy to wait and hold a candle. I simply believe there is something more there, that can't really be explained in words for me.

He believes in me. And I believe in him. And I think there's a healthy mutual respect. Plus I never get bored when I talk to him, even if I don't always have a lot say. I am quieter these days, and I am ok with that.

I speak with my art, my poetry my writing when I Feel like it, and the rest of the time I am with my own company. However if he doesn't want something with me, I'll understand, because, at the end of the day, I won't go through what I did with Rocky again. I don't want to question every day where I stand with someone. And I am not sure I can "just be friends with him". I truly wish for more.

And also we did break each others trust right at the beginning of all this. I wish it hadn't happened but it did and it made me really stop and think about what my priorities are.

So those are my thoughts at the moment and that's wehre I am going. I still support poly and poly people. I am still involved in groups etc. I still have a large part of my friends circle, poly or poly friendly. And I do love these people. But I need to carve out how I see my life going in the next 10 years, and how I want that to be. So the time for reflection is this month of December and tackle 2017 with a new sense of purpose and drive.
 
I have shrunk into myself this year.

Where 2014-2015 was an explosion of travel, love, sex. relationships, family, connections, outward movement, momentum, continuiation.

2016 has been a backlash the other direction. Intorversion, sadness, depression, anxiety, withdrawal, loneliness, quietness, the contemplation of my life and purpose..pulling away from everyone including myself, into myself, to a total selfishness and also lack of self.

It has been a scary year, a blank year, a year I will not wish to remember in the future, a year where nothing meaningful happened and everything meaningful departed. A year of endings to all my beginings, a year of reaction to all my expansion. A year where I let fear and sadness win.

Will 2017 be another 2016? Or will it be a 2015? Full of life and love? Or did I reach some breaking point and missed my boat? Do I even want my story to continue, and what do I want it to look like? I feel I spread no happiness, and no good comes from me, and I cannot move foreward but I am stuck here in the past. I am still grieving Rocky. I am hurting from Flynn. I am...empty inside, like the lights have gone out and I am turned off. What do I do. How do I get it back ? How do I generate life and hope again?

I miss my girls, and only live for them, without them I feel, I am empty. With out people who and love and support me, including myself, I am a shell who doesn't not attact the thing I wish to attract. Indeed I push it away.

Every day is a struggle. Medication doesn't work. Therapy isn't working. Or at least I cant see it yet. I am at a loose end. What do I do? I am so poor, and so alone, and so...nothing.
 
I've never commented on your blog before, but I feel I must.

You are NOT nothing.

The holidays can be hard at the best of times. They are especially hard in the situation you're in.

People do care.
 
@powerpuffgirl- Thank you for this. Your words helped me in a very dark place. It made me pause and think what could I control in my life right now to actively make it better? And I really appreciated it. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

So.

I finally have something to update.

I am moving back in with family in the USA. My mother and I have a complicated relationship, but I know she loves me and I her. Regardless of our past.

I was going to go to university here, but my anxiety and depression have been so bad its become a choice between my pride, my kids, and my own life.

I'm choosing life. And I know its halfway around the world from kids, but its much harder to know I have 24 days, between 11am and 5 pm out of the entire year to see my kids, than it would be just to have them for the summer. I need the support of my family right now. I recognise I am not well, and my kids can lose me temporarily this way, or permanently if I don't attend to my health. I refuse to go back into a mental health ward. So instead I am going home. I have been looking into this ever since I left America last winter, but I had to TRY going to uni first here and getting on my feet here. It didn't work. But I tried anyway. I know I gave my life everything I have here and I am simply tired of being away from people who love me, and not just my kids but all my family abroad. I'm just not strong enough to do this alone.

I know the repercussions of my decision and I will miss my kids fiercely, but I will see them most likely just as little as I do now, and if my ex doesn't let them come out or me come out to see them then they will resent him when older not me, I talked to them about this already, and it was a tough conversation but I need to get healthier. Also I am losing my housing here for various reasons and attitudes towards foreigners is not so great. Some kids or someone threw a brick at my house the other day shattering the downstairs window last night and startling me awake. Plus there are other things that aren't working here for me, getting off benefits and into education and work are extremely hard for me here alone and I don't want to be on this system for ever.

I will miss the UK, but I need to move on now. And frankly, I have very little options with my mental health as bad as it is. I feel like I am rationalising, or trying to convince myself this is ok. No one would be blaming me if I had cancer. But I am blaming me.

Truthfully I have to chose self-preservation right now before my kids. Like when you strap on breathing mask on yourself before your child in a plane. This is that moment, and very really that severe. For a year now I have been suicidal, but it has steadily gotten worse since September.

Losing Rocky was like losing my own family. Losing my kids was the hardest blow ever, walking away from family in America on top ofthat, was just so hard. I cant keep saying goodbye. I need to start building towards a future and having stability, i'll have that at my moms. and she recognised she has different expectations of me now, especially now that shes had to help my brother with bi=polar. So shes a lot more compassionate towards mental illness than she was before. plus she needs help with the family business. I can build a nest egg up and help my kids future, it wont be perfect but it will be ok. I can do this.

I'm so tired of being alone and isolated and asking no one for help. I need to stop this. I need reach out and let people in. Not just virtual people but my family. I need to trust again and live again.
 
Last edited:
You are doing what needs to be done.

Back in 1995, I lived in Oregon with my toddler son and his father. The father and I split and I was in an extremely alarming state emotionally (turned out I am bipolar type 2). I had no family up there and was incapable of going it alone. I came down to Florida to live with my sister and be by my parents. I can still see my son's face in the car window as he and his father pulled away after dropping me off at the airport.

I called my son all the time, sent recordings of me reading stories to him, and brought him down whenever I could. At one point, his father told me that I should just back out of my son's life. I told him to go fuck himself.

Now my son is 23 and lives on his own in Kentucky. He has had his share of problems, as do I, but we love each other through it all. Do I still feel guilty about leaving him? Yes I do. BUT, if I had stayed, my chances of digging myself out of my personal Hell were nonexistent.

Have faith in yourself and your love for your girls.
 
Thank you Powerpuffgirl

I'm so sorry you've been through something similar to me, that really..is just really sucky. I am part of a support network for mothers without their children now, online, and I only just joined it last week, and so it's weird to have yet another person whose been through the same thing but farther along the journey tell me, i'm going to be ok, and its going to be ok.

I am going to have some faith in myself and the journey, and my ability to love my girls unconditionally. I know i'm doing the right thing- the only thing I can do to preserve my well being and get back on my feet.
 
Last year around this time I wrote all the accomplishements I did for 2015, so I figure this year I would do that, bu talso that I would write about the continual setbacks and hurdles I have so I can stop beating myself up over the last year.- So I can acknowledge that despite those occurences I have manged to cope, even if not well, find new ways to live and move foreward and answers into my internal problems.

2016 recap on life changing events and set backs that triggered my PTSD.
This was most definitely a year I battled my internal demons the most.

1)The death of my neighbors husband, who I had seen in person only 2-3 days before, in a tragic car / pedestrian accident (he was the pedestrian) that caused my neighbour to develop ptsd of her own. My lament and empathy and torment over this event REALLY deeply affected me. It wasn't just that I felt shocked and scare to live in my own environment when a local man drove him down on Newyears, but also that I myself felt horribly aweful that his wife witnessed the event, and that somehow, she would be dealing with the demon of PTSD I have. And without the love of her life. I would not wish PTSD on my worst enemy, even the ex-husband. This, reflecting on it made me afraid to go outside, and scared the crap out of me that the person I had seen 2 days before died so suddenly- who was such a good kind and caring soul who had done so much for the world around him.

2) My friends attempted Suicide.

3) The loss of Ria and Ivy as friends because of my friendship turning into sexual desire/romantic love/lust crush. This rejection from both parties was pretty hard to deal with after coming away from America thinking I had both in my lives- and were vital female friendships and aprt of my budding social network in my city.

4)The Episode where my employer shouted at me in the manner my exhusbnad used to by standing in my personal space, swearing profanity at me, towering over me, and and intimidating me. This triggered my PTSD again, and caused me to shut down on another level again. At the time he did this I knew it was a PTSD trigger because, I stopped seeing him as my employed but as my abusers from my past, he literally changed in my front of my eyes and I couldn't not tell my past memory from my present situation and I turned white as a sheet and almost feinted. Which then resulted in me quitting a job where I Felt like I Was finally supporting myself.


4)The scary dating incident with woman and dome that could have been so much worse but wasn't. (i'm trying to go in chronological order)

5)The shut down of communication and working things out with EX as a powermove on his part and making it impossible for me to call the girls at their home or access them at any other time besides 5-6pm on Wednesdays and 11-5pm every other Saturday. The acceptance of this being the most horrible part to deal with and the loss of the ability to spontaneously love them, to send them messages to devote myself ot them.

6)Living with strange men in my house for 3 months at a time twice, one of which was French (my abuser was my dads brother and was French Canadian), and the other was a police officer (triggers from when I lived with my abusive ex husband and had to call police on him..etc and all the police stuff I had been involved with for the ocurt case because of child protective service. So that was really hard for me to deal with.

7)Rock having a letter rejecting me in words that he had held onto for an entire year before showing me. Allowing him to lead me on for yet anothr 6 months after I got back from America before ending it finally. The Loss of hope of him ever helping me get my kids back and the ramifications of the loss of his support in my life. This one was probably the worst one of the entire year. I am FINALLY recovering from this by simply accepting it as it is.

8)The ongoing issues with my housing here which has made me feel unstable for about a year.

9)Trying again with love and poly and hitting road block after roadblock- Especially Flynn. That one hurt because he said he was going t ocome out for Thanksgiving and we spent SO much time for talking and it was false promises.

10) My brother promising to come to UK to help support me at the same time as Flynn happened then backing out suddenly, so again my rug was taken out under neath me and I felt deflated that I'd ever get my kids back- so I started accepting I just wouldn't, and I didn't want to fight anymore. I turned to WoW to escapes but then instead dealt with the same thing I had to deal with before, mysoginiy/anger boys/immature boys/trying to build a community.

11) That community imploding because I liked two guys in it. I completely blame myself for that one. And I spent 4 months building it up :<

12) The combination of my Aunt dying and the events that led up to her death. I had recently been in contact with her after not seeing her since I Was 11 years old, we had just talked on the phone, and she had reconnected with my dad's number. This is the second person in one year who had died within days of me being in touch with them- AND ME BEING ONE OF THE LAST ONE TO BE IN TOUCH WITH THEM. That alone is kinda creepy. And I apply guilt to myself for nonsensical reasons and have felt guilt over these thins lately.

13) The rejection of IC for xmas plans and realising why I didn't date him.

14) Xmas alone. Cutting off from all connections including my mother.

15) The political upheveal that affected me deeply on boths sides of the ocean that didn't help with all my other issues going on- as it ididnt help hardly anyone I think.

Wow that's a list. What a year 2016 was! SO MUCH CRAZY NEGATIVE !!!

But on the flip side here's what I learnt- here's the positive I took away from it!


1) I DIDNT go back to Rocky in setpemeber the day after my birthday when he showed up at my house at 10pm. I finally asid no and meant no.

2) I spent an entire year flexing my voice, my muscles and my strength to say no to mens abuse of me. In any form, from the couple with the ass dome, to the dates, to Flynn and his gaslighting, to IC and his forgetting I had a bday. I spoke, I spoke reasonably, and sometiemsn ot, but mostly calmly and reasonable and I stood my ground being me.

3) I accepted the things I cannot change.

4) I accepted we all die. That I will die. I flirted with the idea all year, and eventually now that I have my goal, decided to live.

5) I accepted that I will never get my ex's abuse out of my life unless I move back to America. There's just no way. He will find a way to make my life a living hell one way or another. How can I leave my girls with him? Well quite frankly I have little choice in the matter. My options are few and far between and right nw I can only do what I can do, and that is regroup, and hope I can help my kids heal when they are older and there there is enough hextend love around them to counterbalance him- also he's still being heavily monitored and I wont have anymore of his BS that I am emotionally abusive to the kids. That's hogwash. I also wont live my life in the UK in fear of constantly being caught out by him, via what I write what I say how I live my life. It's done this ends now. I am turning over a new leaf.

6)I learnt how to set healthy boundaries and my mother and I finally had a conversation where she said : Star, I realised with you, that you just need love and support, and for me not to swoop in and take control, and i'm sorry. Whoa. mind blown.

7) I bought a cat, I started my own family again, but with a furbaby and she is most definitely being sent to America. I hope my mom doesn't mind ;) I love missy so much!

8) I realised that family is everything and theres only one life to be led, if I cannot be around my kids except 24 days of the year then i'd rather be around my maternal family, warts and all, and make as many happy memories with them as possible, and be there for them, and enjoy what time they have left, however long that is. Theres no point living in a vaccume, and at my ex-s mercy for 24 days a year. I'd rather hope that I can get them to come in summers or I ca nvisit in summers for 24 days.

9) I commited to my year of therapy- I followed it through and I succeeded.

10) I commited and completed my access course to science tech and maths and found out I don't want to do that.

11) I ran my business, albeit part time and got my art on another book cover, and a book dedicated to me with a signed first edition.

12) I forgave myself, for being human and flawed, for the past I cannot change, and for trusting the ex with the kids that led to his full residency at a time I thought he had changed. I forgave myself for have PTSD, for being suicidal, for the different decisions have madei n life both good and bad. I'm still working on complete forgiveness but I feel a lot better and at peace about this now.

13) I reconnected and reignited friendships with both Ria and Ivy at their level and am truly grateful for their friendship in my life.

14) I lead a guild, I actually lead something and fought for something I believed in- in a virtual realm, but it was nice to find my fighting spirit again after for so long being dormant.

15) I finally made a concrete decision about what direction to go with my life for 2017. And 2017 is not going to be the same at 2016, just like 2014 and 2015 weren't and this year there will be a lot less triggers because I faced the worst of them last year! I know how to get over all those this time, and I know how to move foreward. So onwards and upwards. I'm not running away, I weighed out the pro-s and cons and I decided that I Want this.:D

Onwards to a new chapter.
 
Last edited:
So i've mostly put gaming into a box to be taken out when I want and mostly solo or co-op with a few long-term online friends rather than in a large MMO. I am done escaping and also healing that side of me, and I feel I've learnt all I can from what that can offer. Certainly a variety of opportunities in those situations for me to practice speaking up to men while feeling anxious/upset/threatened. This feels like a good move.

Now that I have some goals, my life is trucking along peacefully.

I am estimating being in "new home town", in about 8-12 weeks give or take. A courier is coming by on Thursday to pick up my old passport and renew it, then its a matter of waiting for that to return. I also got my paperwork on sending my baby to New Home Town (which will be refferred to as NHT from now on). But its going to cost more than I have in my budget and I want to move sooner rather than later and rip the bandaid off or i'll start spiralling again for lack of decision making. I really want to send her with me but it doesn't look like I can make that happen :(

In my dating life, some surprising turns have happened.

One, I am putting a name to a long time virtual FWB and his wife- Jarod will be his name. and hers will be Athena. From Greek mythology/lore references.

I met him on a FB platform game 6 years, and since then have had a shit ton of skype sessions. I have "met" his real life friends, his partner, his baby boy, and developed a fond and affectionate friendship. Sometimes that is sexy, sometimes that is silly conversations in voice chat he hosts with him and his real life friends. I'm saving some of my moving money to take a trip out there when I get out there. I am also going to learn to ride a motorbike. He'll be about 6 hours from NHT. This is exciting makes me feel like I am not going with completely no roots already. :) They are looking ideally for a triad and I don't fit for that with them, but I am happy to be poly-lite with them, they are so low drama and I really enjoy her as well as him as a friend. I can see some awesome trips back and forth for all of us, and enjoying some nights on the town and maybe more!

I went onto OKC while doing my overall research of the NHT, and found someone who looked interesting. He hit all my buttons, smart funny, kind eyes, gorgeous smile that could light up a room, long hair and rugged yet slightly effeminate looks, both hard planes from working out and cat-like grace.

Honestly I popped him a message thinking, ok here I go, but not hoping anything at all because I've been such a mess this last year I haven't been able to see how I had anything to offer anyone, including someone whose got their shit so together.

It's still very early days but conversations are SO promising.

He is hilarious and witty, he is poly/open, has a long term live-out non-binary partner, of over a decade, and a stable life. I have such good vibes about him.

We spent an entire day/evening (time differences!) talking music and realising we have some crazy similar and whacky loves of music.
Here's a few I showed him that I thought I'd share here. 2016 had so many depressing and down posts from me, or at least heavy ones, that I feel some light stuff is definitely in order ;)

Marble Music Machine

Cello Wars

Enjoy! :)
 
Attack of insomnia meets lots of fun flirting with two great guys.

I spoke on phone with both men tonight (Not at the same time but its a funny thought! lol)

It was fun conversations :) With the new OKC guy, we haven't really stopped communicating since we started. We just find MORE we have to say. I'm really learning to practice my boundaries because it's SO HARD not to just be in constant communication we just have a lot in common.

With Jarod we laughed and talked about silly things, and enjoyed the moment, and talked about kids and life and me meeting up.

My house is slowly, one project at a time, coming together. Baby steps. Started in the living room and bathroom, and boxing up things.

I also had my kids over on the weekend. Fun stuff :D we practiced flute lessons, played scrabble, signed me up to Roblox so I could play interactive games with the girls when far away, went out for a wlak in the woods, played in the snow, had lunch/picnic on the living room floor, and watched a tv episode together. All in all a fun filled busy day!

I also gave Shooting star my camera as they were both off to spain for 5 days. Rosebud I gave my childhood teddy to keep, as a "travel bear" so she could always remember me and travel with it to my New Home Town to visit. We had a really productive conversations on various topics while they were here. Ex-husband had beat me to the punchline with sex talk, but that's fine I addressed it anyway, and also about me moving, but they were both really good with it all. I am not saying it won't hurt, or that we didn't cry together, we did, but they also went away understanding it ISNT their fault, and they've done nothing wrong.

I explained it like having a cold in my head. There was two metaphors going with this, one that my depression is a PHYSICAL thing in my head that is like a cold, in my brain, but comes and goes. And the other being, that you wouldn't blame someone else for getting an illness if it wasn't their fault in anyway. This seemed to really help them understand.

So, anyway, I am negotiating possibility of all my days to see them in a year being bunched together for summer holidays instead. Win win really.

I have to head to the doctors on Friday and I am shipping off my passport to get renewed as well, was going t odo it earlier in the week but scheduling issues with the company who does the shipping. Hopefully I should get it returned in 6-8 weeks :)

In other news... my landlord is pushing and intimidating selling again. He had a surveyor come by today, and he was rather aggressive with me, he said if I didn't open up and let him in he'd come through the back door. I tried to tell him that I was having a REALLY bad PTSD day but that didn't work. He tried to touch me and nearly jumped out of my skin. I am actually of two minds about leaving, part of me wishes unrealistically I could keep this home forever with my kids and me, the other part realises its not mine and never was and there is a real need for me to leave, for multiple reasons. Letting go, of my babies home and one of my last ties to them physically. This is so hard. I know I need to, but its so hard. Not a Day goes by I don't miss them and wish I had been a mom who was stronger, healthier more able to do it all. I wish..so much..
 
My doctor visit went really well! He gave me sleeping medicine AND antibiotics for a nasty water infection. I suspect it was further along to bladder almost kidney just because how painful it was and the pee stick lit up like a rainbow of colour.

I slept a lot since my last post, catching up for months of lack of sleep, anxiety, depression and infection were adding up In a big way, and I was completely exhausted. but the nice thing is now i'm finally bouncing back! I was able to do cleaning today, and normal healthy things like a long bath, and I even got to sexy stuff by myself in the bath. I also went out side 4 times last week, and going for a walk tomorrow morning. My goal is to be able totake a walk everyday when I wake up :) Whenever that is. I'm not pushing my body to a routine yet till I get to New Home Town, simply because its not nessecary, and the sleep is important right now for me.

Now that i'm moving towards a healthier place i'm also feeling more peaceful about moving to New Home Town.

I still get moments where I think of Flynn..I miss his friendship. I miss our deep emotional connection. I wish we weren't such a strange attachment styles that clashed.

Also our communication styles weren't working for anything romantic and I sturggled with just being friends. I still feel like he took advantage of me and our friendship on Christmas when I wanted to trust him again. I personally think he was honest when he said he couldn't handle me being poly, and I simply didn't listen sooner. Well we tried at least.

But I guess we were quite different lifestyle wise too. I am go go go and he is party party party. That would have clashed a lot with each other in that regard. The only time in my life I haven't been go-go-go is 2016 and that's because I was emotionally/mentally resting with therapy and healing. So that's ok, i'm back to my regular lifestyle and I got rid of WoW. Man what an addictive game *for me*.

I think it wasn't adding to my whole life happiness. Though I'm definitely more comfortable being a casual girl gamer now :) Integration complete.
But i'll stick to console games, board games, and real life card games. I certainly don't miss the type of base conversations on WoW, So Much Hate! that's very draining!

So my therapist calls the last year my time my "regression" into various life stages in my childhood..., that I went back to go foreward. I needed to focus on the here and now though. But man i'm glad its over because it was super intense and depressing and hard shit to deal with.

There's not much to report on Jarod- I basically moved us back to sexy FWB, even though he asked to be BF/GF, I couldn't abide by his one penis policy so I declined. We've known each other for so long, and he's still holding a candle and I care for him a great deal, BUT I am not terribly interested in a closed tried. I would be more interested if we had a stronger connection but as it is, we don't. He's more my best friend than anything with a sprinkle of sexual fun.

OK so to finally crack open the lid and talk about the new OKC guy. Well we both moved it off OkCupid, to skype, so I guess its time to give him a name. I will name him Gabrielle. I may change this as I get to know him more, but for now it works.

I have asked permission as per usual to write about him, and he's broken down for me what is ok and isn't, we've both talked extensively about our personal boundaries.

I'm not going to mention extensively what we have discussed, but sufficeth we have not stopped talking since we started our first messages. I often wake up to find another letter and a few paragraphs on skype about more stories, or questions, or interests. We never seem to run out of things to say.

He is 33, so we're very similar in age, he has no kids or past marriages. He has had a few long term relationships outside the non-binary man I mentioned earlier. So finally someone whose not new to poly, is OK with hierarchy, AND has no primary. Our wants and needs are so similar, and our communication styles are VERY good. We are able to communicate at length for many many hours with out tiring and really have to tear ourselves away. He has many interesting stories and has lived a rooted and beautiful life, building slowly one thing at a time. He is also enthusiastic about learning and growing and understanding, we're both innately curious about the world around us.

Physically he is 6'2", strong lean build, Caucasian with close trimmed beard/moustache and long hair down to the small of his back. which I find very appealing. :) I find him very, very sexy in so much as one can talking on skype and seeing pictures and I'm looking forward to meeting him in person. We're both extremely keen on each other.

I'm the first person he talks to when he gets up, and last person he leaves a message to, and vice versa for me. We've fallen into a very easy and natural routine despite the time differences. I'm enjoying this immensely. :) ITs the first time in a LONG LONG time I've dated anyone who was also American. It's actually quite a relief not to fight against different religions. cultures or ethnic backgrounds on top of poly, it takes the processing to a whole new level otherwise :) But I have to say I still think affectionately of Rocky now and again even when i'm pissed off as fuck at him.

Anyway, as Gabrielle and I say to each other, teasingly: #LITN (Live In The Now). He's a person who dwells In the possible future and I'm stuck in the quagmires of the past. I'm hoping we can meet some where in the middle.

More to update later. :)
 
This post is a BIT disorganised and hops around on different subjects relating to attachment styles and my own personal style and those around me style (as I perceive them to be which may or may not be accurate) This thought process was a conversation I had with Gabrielle about the possibility of how we would interact long term and how to navigate our own unique communication styles and needs VS wants.

So I am contemplating my attachment style tonight so I can figure out how to not repeat the milder Rocky type relationship (his name ended up being so appropriate lol- fruedian slip?) And the more extreme examples in others I have dated, particularly people like Flynn and Guy who had a lot of overlapping similarities at times in their attachment styles to me: (avoidant/dismissive).

Rocky was avoidant, but NOT dismissive. He was however very afraid of secure attachment to me re: commitment. And though he never outright said I was clingy, his friend told him I was and he related what his friend said to me without stating out right that his friend was wrong. He would also "allude" to my clinginess, saying "It's not healthy to have so much sex" (This was having sex more than twice in a week! LOL) or telling me after he went total black on all contactable methods for days on end (upwards to 7 days at a time) that he went into his mancave- which I said that's fine but at least tell me when you are going so I know what to expect, not just leave me hanging like that wondering if you're ok!

I took a moment to see where I fall on the Bowenian scale. I fall into just outside the middle range into the "Anxious-Preoccupied" Type. I am not as extreme anymore after my back to back interactions with both Living with Honour (my Aunt), and also having Rocky around. Despite his own Anxious/Avoidant traits, for the *most* part he was pretty damn secure. There were a few times he wasn't there for me, but there were lots of times he was. I am not putting him on a pedestal and what he did was wrong, BUT he apologised and he admitted that it was HIS fault we were ending things because he simply DID NOT want to commit to me. Plus I made my own mistakes. I learnt a lot by both of them how to emotionally regulate. In fact I have people commenting now on my ability to do so and I find this quite shocking as I haven't got my head around this yet. My mother has mentioned it, my brother, my therapist, Gabrielle, Jarod....I wonder why I didn't feel that way over this last year? I certainly still do feel quite a bit of shame of putting my head in the sand and dropping off the map. Though I can see in my blog here and my personal journal that I actually had many GOOD days, I still focus mostly on those extremely bad ones. Yet I must have made it through with out harm to myself or others because here I am, and no one is complaining. Having said that though most of my interactions for the past 8 months were either on the phone with family, or online with online people on WoW which was deeply unhealthy environment as its incredibly misogynistic and hostile towards women. Not everyone but enough so that I felt like I don't ever want to be around that again. so I developed a high tolerance in that environment of learning to cope with rejection, and learning to quickly and effectively and calmly deal with hostile, angry or crude people. Even men who were initially charming I also dealt with, on the flip side, who wanted to flirt etc. So that was something. It's such a weird insulated world...

Ok so back on topic.

So, both Honour and Rocky were fundamental in validating my past, and helping me move on into a secure and happy place myself. Have I struggled last year alone? In the vacuum of no relationship? Yes. But I also went too extreme the other direction. Not only did I not have any romantic entanglements (exception of seeing IrishCoffee three times), I also didn't fill my life up with positive people experiences and role models...I had no real life friends I saw, very little family interaction, hardly any work and health and wellness and tertiary acquaintance people. In fact I tried to swing into "DO EVERYTHING MYSELF ALL BY MYSELF", exception of relying on my therapist.

So: Here's me facing this.

I was reading this article tonight before heading to bed again.

https://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-anxious-preoccupied/

I've been sleeping weird patterns as I try to get my body clock back in sync after illness and too many late nights - previously from anxiety and mental health stuff which was also I can see now corroborated by playing WoW. But also choosing to stay up too late with my current interest :D


On a side note to myself: My mental health really went down hill in wake of that game and I am back to my original assessment of that game: I am an addict in regards to it. I saw the pattern emerging early on, around September. But at that point I was still under the illusion that I could control it. I can't regulate my time in that game and my enjoyment steadily declined (as does these things we use as addictions, that starts off as a fun adventure can turn into shame and isolation and sadness and regret)

I had the same opinion about myself of it in 2011 went I quit cold turkey. My personality while a gamer is too addicted to that game. Not healthy. I'm not looking back just moving forward, but it served its purpose and I am ok with that. No shame, just gently bringing myself back to hear and now. And thankfully its not like cigarettes or alcohol or anything else. At least now I am aware in the wake of a succession of traumatic events I turn to gaming as my way to "stop feeling" when I feel I can't cope. I suppose I do this because i'm allergic to all other ways to relax and chill out that others might use in a healthy manner, and ironically I have no issues with any other addictions. Like drugs or alcohol. But this also went hand in hand with allowing myself to go back to binge eating too as one unhealthy habit increased the other.

I'm so glad I am opening up and talking about this here. Now I just need to get to the point of REACHING out and feeling like I can when am in crisis and not after the fact.

So on that note...

I may need to buy the author of the article's book just because my mother is avoidant/dismissive and she drives me up the wall. She texted me asking if I was calling today because I said I would, I had forgot because I was sick and sleeping. So I rang her as soon as I saw the message to apologise and talk. But she was busy so I tried again later, 3 times more after that she finally answers and says she's having an important talk with my brother. This is fine, no issue, but then she says did you get my picture. I said yes mom I did, and I answered already you look great :), and she said, well my calves look ugly, and I said, mom one day you're just going to have to own those calves or spend the rest of the time hating them. And then she said, well I have to go, and hung up. See what I mean, avoidant/dismissive.

I seem to be not very productive with things in life because as this article states I tend to have a lot of my mind thinking about someone I care about instead of doing something with someone I care about. Mostly because they are far away, rejected me, a painful past, or I am just like this. I don't know. Is this why I am doing poly? To reinforce the same behaviours I am good at instead of learning how to be securely attached? It's definitely food for thought.

I'd like to end sharing a happy moment. Gabrielle and I decided to be girlfriend/boyfriend and since he literally lives right down the road from where i'll be living in New Home Town (NHT), I'm super excited about this. Early days and a part of my heart I am holding to one side and letting things drop as they may. It may or may not workout but I prefer to keep optimism and hope alive.
 
Reminding myself not to mention my interests to other people anymore, especially people who don't understand my dating style.

Quote from a dating advice guru, Evan Marc Katz.

"After all, you ever have a good date with a guy but not feel strongly enough to see him again?

Too short, too fat, too old, too nice, too boring, not enough money, too many other dating options? There are literally dozens of legitimate reasons you could pass up a man.

So, if that’s the case, would you want each man to conclude that because of his rejection:

Women are fickle and shallow.
Women have no integrity.
Women give mixed signals.
Women don’t know what they want.
Women play games.
Women are trying to hurt men.
And, finally, “I should just give up on dating.”

A man could draw all those conclusions, but they would be patently false.

THIS is what I see over and over and over again

Your solution is not to change men.

Your solution is not to give up.

Your solution is to understand that rejection and failure happens to EVERYONE. The people we like don’t like us. The people who like us, we don’t like.

But if you stick around long enough, you can witness magic."

I am not buying into the bullshit that I am not worthy of love.
I am not buying into the bullshit that I am too unstable, or too PTSD or TOO POLY for love. I am not fickle. I was loyal to Rocky, Rocky wasn't loyal to me. So fuck him. He had more than three chances. and same with Flynn too.

I AM going to find someone who wants me as much as I want them. And I won't settle for anything less and I'm certainly not going to sit around listening to other people complain about how many people I have unsuccessfully dated with a large majority of those I dismissed as well! This wasn't a one sided thing in any of the examples of my past. I simply want to be committed to and commit to in return. And I want that to include genuine love and not just limerence.
 
I need to put a disclaimer on here. THIS IS DEEP SHIT! And it has major trigger warning for ABUSE and near-death experience.

I've had a breakthrough in my therapy!
I was talking to Gabrielle about some deeply personal things regarding my sense of shame and self guilt, and we were able to figure out that the reason my pain is SO intense, is because I am able to recreate a memory in my mind AS IF IT WERE PRESENT! As if I WERE LIVING IT NOW.

Do you know that that means EVERYTIME I am crying, I am not reliving my past, I am actually IN THAT MOMENT as alive and as real as anything else.

I feel the hands around my neck that choked me.
I feel the spittle in my face from my abusers foam at his mouth.
The light in the room, The colour of the curtains, the time of day- afternoon... the dustmotes floating past me.

The way my heart stilled and I "played dead" into a hush of silent, how my oldest stopped playing. She was 1 years old.

The way he spat the words at me "You're a crazy psycho bitch, and you deserve to die".

How in that moment, I saw my death, I accepted it I did nothing. I did not fight back, I said this is it. I will die. How I have continued to believe that ever sense. That I don't deserve to live.

I can remember the colour of the carpet. I can remember how his eyes looked, in art therapy for 4 weeks all I did was draw these eyes again and again and again they were burned into my memory. To my memory that remembers thing in 3D like my own person Virtual Reality game on Horror mode.

Only it was real, and I can feel all the sensations too. It's why being grounded in reality has been SO difficult in the here and now. It's why Wow guilds meant so much, its why I can form intimate bonds online with people I haven't seen in months or around the globe.

Because its REAL TO ME! its as real to me as real life. And I didn't understand that other people don't view things this way, and I didn't understand I was re-traumatising myself everytime I was being triggered and reliving these things.

It's why dreams take me HALF a day to get over. Its why I hate to sleep because the SAME way I am about memories I am about dreams. I cannot tell the difference between dreams, memories and my waking world. They. Are. All. The. Same.

Its why I can create ART from thin art, out of no where. BECAUSE ITS REAL BEFORE IT GETS TO MY CANVAS. This really simple thing about me, this understanding is causing such a relief.

And now I know that I do this. Now I know that I somehow sense the world this way, I CAN CHANGE IT. Somehow. A wrist band on my wrist. a mantra this is not real. I have no idea. But I will find a way. This is a turning point. A VERY good turning point.

Finally I found the beginning of the way to stop the tsunami from being so big. Before it was about riding the tsunami. Now it's about learning that I'm also in control of the tsunami. The Tsunami is me, my past my memories my self, my person the body that processes my lived experience.

Finally, some relief from this. Finally some way out. FINALLY a way to move forward. Knowledge is power and I finally GET Why my grief continues to hurt so bad. I am so..so grateful for Gabrielle right now even if we never go one step further I will never forget this conversation we had, and how he showed me how to get out the dark room, where the door was and how to open it.
 
Last edited:
starlight1 said:
And now I know that I do this. Now I know that I somehow sense the world this way, I CAN CHANGE IT. Somehow. A wrist band on my wrist. a mantra this is not real. I have no idea. But I will find a way. This is a turning point. A VERY good turning point.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry, Starlight. PTSD sucks. I had a mild form of it from an abuse situation. In my case, I repressed the event but dreamed about it constantly. Small details would change in the dreams but the feelings of fear and terror were the same. Many years later, I realized the dreams were real when my ex apologized for what happened that day. I finally no longer have the dreams. I am very thankful I don't remember in vivid detail, like you....

I have two grounding techniques that usually bring me back to the present. The first is to describe my surroundings to myself. Usually, I do it mentally, but if that's not working, sometimes I'll quietly speak them aloud. The more detailed I am, the more likely it is to work. The other technique I use is to choose a topic and list all the facts I can about the topic. Or, choose a category and list as many things in the category as I can. It doesn't always work, but most of the time it does.

I hope the changes (and move) that you're making bring you the healing that you seek. ((Hugs))
 
Pink Pig,
Thank you so much for your message ^_^

It's ok, I figure once I figure out HOW to manage my particular version of PTSD (multiple traumas spanning years), perhaps I can help others.

Certainly, your grounding technique was REALLY helpful! I have been using it since you suggested it and i'm putting it on my vision board, where I put all my notes that are currently working for my PTSD therapy.

It's really helped me recognise when I am dreaming and when I am wake, because in my dream they are not always lucid so i'm not always able to say "And I am doing xyz, and this is the carpet aganst my toes" Etc. So saying that outloud, brining myself out of my past rumblings really helped. Thank you for that.

I tried the listing things as well, but that didn't work too well, too similar to reading a text book to try to go to sleep XD It just distracted my brain but didn't centre it.

((hug)) back atcha :) I think it will, it will be good to learn to do that regardless what happens in my life, to get to a point that no matter whats going on I can ok. Just breathe. And get on with shit. That would be nice. I'm tired of being an emotional mess and crying all the time. I want more to life than this!
 
On another note...

I am feeling much more hopeful the last few days. I've had some really fantastic and fun conversations with Gabrielle. And we've started playing "Go" together.

http://www.online-go.com

I really like this game, it's been a good way to learn our conflict resolution patterns and emotions vs logic. I haven't been this agitated with a board game since I was 9 years old.

It's kind of like, Chess meets checkers meets manancala.

I'm also learning how to be more assertive in this game.

Gabrielle and I talked about safe words when we meet in person since we're both working on healthy boundaries. I was reminded of this because in the game you need to be aware of boundaries, both in maintaining, gaining (flipping others pieces), and invading.

As far as other things, i'm back to sleeping in my own room again. For awhile I had been sleeping on and off in my kids room that I had redecorated. I had done this since the last time IC was here because I felt so weird and violated in that night even though I had agreed to everything it wasn't a hell yes for me. Soo I took some time out from it, and because of how much history was there.

I also cleared out the wardrobes, the books and started packing up sentimental items to send abroad. I Also checked up with the doctors on sexual healthy stuff before I go. I have a 10 year IUD, so yay for that. Wont need to replace that till 2021.

I also got test results from Gabrielle so when I am out there in the next few months we are doing our sensible stuff... Which he is clean, I am a little more uncertain after bareback in October- probably shoulda got tested sooner however I knew I wasn't planning on sex with anyone, and depression/anxiety.

SO, I am seeing someone on the 8th about that and sent off for another test in the mail.

Now just to get caught up on Eye and teeth exams before I go, plan a trip to go to LEGOLAND with kids I hope. And go off with a bang, so they have a fantastic lovely memory with me before a hiatus of time apart. I Also need to iron out legal details on changing visitation to summers and how to go about doing that. I wont be able to do that immediately anyway as it costs money, but I want the paperwork ready to go as soon as I do have the money. :)

I've started to reach out to FB and friends of friends, and people in the area to make connections. Gabrielle said he'd happily introduce me to networks he knows- woot, and I am getting in touch with another art friend nearish, and a fitness friend about 4 hours away. :) Tertiary friends are just as important as the close friends. All have value in each others lives and I can't believe I already have some network out there. I forgot what a social butterfly I was in the past because of my anxiety in 2016.

Strange how you forget important bits of you when mental health is not being adequately managed.

I'm glad i'm out of that fog and moving forward.
 
So I spent 24 hours "Unplugged" from all electronic items. I did meditation, sleep, exercise, fasting and more meditation. It was...blissful! I felt SO rejuvenated and rested afterwards. I also sweated off a whole bunch of emotional and physical baggage.

Then after a deep long sleep, I broke my fast with a roast dinner of lamb join potatoes and carrots. I'm starting to really get in this groove of living and being on my own. I thought it would be hard but, I'm doing it. Post Rocky, Post girlies and Honour. Just in time for me to live with family...lol. Oh well.

I have some goals and plans now once I get NHT side. So life is ticking along rather nicely.

I also started writing outside of blogging. I'm working on a few projects. I feel a heck of a lot calmer and more centred. I still miss my therapist and can't wait to work with her again, but might move on to a psychiatrist instead of my own therapist simply because I want to do in-person and one that is more qualified that my counsellor. After working for a year with my last one I feel like I need to move on to one who seems to be having more results...We shall see if I can fit it into my budget. :)

In other news I'm back on my healthy eating/exercise weight loss and then weight maintenance plan. I cant believe how much clearer I feel after a detox. It was so badly needed. I'm able to do things I enjoy again, such as long walks in nature, and reading books. I can actually sit down and enjoy it again. Yay!

Gabrielle and I spoke briefly last night, and we're al good, he's got Thursdays and Fridays with his other partner so I expect it to be Gab-light. :D

As for other news, It's more of the same old, clearing out, cleaning up, finalising details. Deciding what to ship to New Home Town what to give to my girls, and what to get rid of.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top