Boundaries Continued
Ok wow..so a story. The continued progress, or failed progress of asserting boundaries.
I took the last two days as "Me" days because the trip to see my previous friend Acton was a fail/success...weird ass whatever. I tried to write about it but I was so upset it was disjointed and spelt/typed incorrectly and I was really emotionally all over the place about it. Honestly he didn't touch me yet I came away from it feeling emotionally and mentally pressured to have sex with him, and completely going WTF about this guy.
Yes I did talk over him but mostly because I Was SO upset about his behaviour and pushing me towards sex. The problem is because we're in Britain with land of "politeness" it felt like that office argument that you know is degrading and leading and gas lighting only everyone is so calm and there's not on particular things wrong so you have to work it out yourself where your boundaries went, and how to say it so you're still heard.
But I knew something was wrong because I came home and took as shower, the kind I haven't taken since a rape experience a few years ago, and I scrubbed myself until I was raw. Then as I sat there in my shower, I cried, I cried so hard. I couldn't believe of all the people in my life, the man I finally had trusted to be a friend thought "Ok Star is moving, this is my last chance to make a move and I'm not going to take no for an answer" Tried to push me into sex, when we have been platonic friends for 2 years now. On top of all the shit I've been emotionally dealing with about this everything I had to sit there and wonder, was that real, did that really happen? It took writing my journal yesterday to walk through the actions and re-read what gala girl had wrote about boundaries.
And the worst part is, he's NEVER treated me this way before, ever, there was no warning signs or flags. It. Was.Horrible. I had braved my anxiety, go out there and saw a man, in his home, and helped him with his shit, to be treated that way.
I had never felt SO less valued as a woman, it was like a massive tipping point and I JUST FUCKING HATED BEING FEMALE. I cried myself to sleep after self-regulated my emotions, I felt a LOT better. I Was able to get a really restful nights sleep but I had to do meditation and walking, and self talk, talking down the anxiety, and I had to walk through the whole thing that happened.
Thankfully it wasn't worse. And nothing sexual happened. But the betrayal hurt the worst, I just, I couldn't believe I'd now lost yet another friend by simply saying NO and him not really respecting that.
I feel like i'm such a fucked up person sometimes. And part of me is still blaming me for it. So take all the other stuff out of it..I'll just walk through the whole story in words / actions.
I got to his house at 2pm, he let me in, we had previously agreed on text to me sleeping on his air bed.
He said don't worry its fine.
I know how disorganised he is. I should have made sure he still had all the items for sleeping over. I didn't.
We worked on one box in three hours. It felt like he didn't really want to work on the issue he kept getting distracted and walking out of the room, he took a phone call in the bathroom for something.
Then he came back, at this point everything was still. O.K.
We had dinner, we went to a movie. Got back at 2am. The warning signs started happening on the way to the movie. We were using his two for one deal, and he insisted we go to a movie he hadn't seen - which didn't leave room for us choosing together as there were only 2 options and I physically can't watch horror. Not with my anxiety. So we saw Logan. Which had I know it was going to be that macabre, I probably would have taken a pass. This was yellow flag number 1, but I chalked it up to- well he asked me to the movie, and he used his pass so, it was his decision what movie anyway and it didn't really matter what one I saw. So I just went with the flow.
When we got in I said, "ok I'll pull the airbed out, and get it ready."
He went over to the bag that the airbed was in and went "oh I the pump isn't in the bag with the airbed."
I said "ok I'll look for it. Is that ok?" He said "yes"
I started going through boxes, but each box I moved to, he intersected and took over looking, so I'd try to move to another, so then I said,
"Maybe it's easier if you look through, I'll make us a cup of tea."
So I made tea while he looked, his looking was very...light? He didn't seem interested in actually finding this pump.
I stopped and he said, "You can sleep in my bed, we have before (platonically), and it's been no issue in the past."
I said "Well that was before my anxiety was a problem, and personally right now I don't feel ok enough in myself to sleep next to. I'd prefer to sleep out here."
I'm starting to feel pressured, and he took this statement personally. I could see the injured look on his face. I wasn't saying he was a bad person I Was just trying to explain that where I am at meant I needed these boundaries? I started to feel off now, but I hadn't connected the dots. Some of the problems with my PTSD is disassociation. I've only recently realised that you can be in your body, present but still disassociated from parts of you. At this point I was completely disassociated from the feeling of rising panic in my body. And of triggers, since I had always felt safe around Acton in the past and I couldn't correlate the new information with my old information at the same time.
Unfortunately, I couldn't leave as there wasn't transport to my house at this time of night. I'd have to walk from village home in the dark, and its not safe to do that, but not really safe here either anymore with him pressuring.
I said : "Don't worry I'll sleep on the couch".
And he said, "Oh, I don't have a spare duvet."
And I said "Ok, I'll sleep on the couch without a duvet."
And then I *Thought* its ok I'll use the heating because I know he had a heater on the wall so I assumed the heat would turn on at night or I just flip the switch on.
He goes "ok." But he continues to sit in the living room hovering. And I suddenly realised I had to be REALLY direct. I said "Acton, I need some time to unwind and get ready to sleep, is it alright if you go now?" (He was mostly rambling at this point about nothing in particular and I was keyed up, nervous, and just wanted some me time to make sense of the interaction.)
I hear him go to the toilet and do his night time routine, and I listen carefully until I hear him go to his room. The place isn't that big. It has a front entry hallway, with doors leading to open plan living/kitchen/dining, and two others leading to bedroom and bathroom. I wait a few more minutes, and at this point I am using my iPad to distract me and talking to Gabrielle online as I know he's most likely home at this point. Then I carry the iPad with me to the toilet, kind of like, a life line I suppose, and I run into him in the hall on the way. This confuses me as I know he's just been to the toilet. I give him benefit of the doubt.
He's currently between me and the toilet, so I say..
"uh I need to go to the loo."
As it hadn't been more than 10 minutes since we talked, I was waiting to see if heater turned on, but it hadn't so now I was thinking I needed to turn it on, yet I was freezing and also wanted to grab my coat in the hallway. My hands were chattering and I was shaking.
So then he goes: "Star, you're freezing, come into the bed and warm up."
I said I'm siting up talking to Gabrielle, because he's on at night. I hold up the iPad as proof. He goes "Who?" and I said, "the guy I told you I am conversing with, just an hour or so ago?"
I had told him about Gabrielle earlier in the tonight and he didn't like this, he had forgotten who Gabrielle was and I was like,
I start babbling, "yeah it's 7 hour time difference so I thought I'd catch him online since I happen to be up anyway. And then I go, don't worry it's fine I'll turn on the heat in the living room.
Continued....
