Living with 2 people; why do I feel so alone?

J

j68junebug

New member
I posted a few weeks ago in the introductions and got some great advice. I'm going for some help straightening out my thoughts and feelings. I'm currently in a FMF Vee relationship. I moved in with my bf and his wife around 2 years ago. They have been married 40 years. The wife and I are friends, but I know bf would love it if we are more. Honestly, after the way she treated me when I first moved in. ..that ship has sailed and will never come back. We've worked through most of those issues (which were based on insecurities and jealousy after I moved in). Basically the way we fixed things was for bf and I to completely shut off any show off NRE, and for him to mostly ignore me when she was around.

That part has gotten better, but I still feel like a third wheel. They spend such a majority of their time together, or its all 3 of us. Maybe every 2 months bf and I go out. Otherwise he and I have no alone time. I'm not sure how to help him understand I need couple time just the two of us. He seems to be perfectly happy with us always being a trio.

Also, I'm not sure how to explain my feelings about living in their house that they've lived in for 30 years. I've been here 2 years and it still doesn't feel life home. When I mention this he says that I can help them decorate, get together with his wife and give her some ideas, etc. This just doesn't seem like enough to me. I like being more in charge of my house, my daily routines, how the house is ran, cleaned, etc. Here, I feel more le a child who just goes along with how the parents want to do things.

I'm beginning to think maybe I'm just not cut out to be poly. I've thought about moving back out (I own my own home). But he says he's afraid we'll break up if I do. There's days recently that I really don't care though. If I move out and he breaks up with me. ..his loss. But there are other days I can't imagine my life without him, so I just stay put. I still love him, and would love to make this work.

Any advice on middle ground for us? Or, how i can better express my feelings? Are these issues any one else has gone through? Or am I just not able to be poly any more?
 
You don't have to be living together to qualify as poly. If your partner and his wife are unable or unwilling to help make you comfortable then moving out sounds like a sensible idea. If he's concerned that you'll break up as a result of it, then it's up to him to make the effort.
 
Move out. The situation you are in now is soul destroying. You deserve open affection in what is supposed to be your home too. You deserve alone time with him. You can ask to change the terms of you living there. Given that he seems fine with things as they are, this seems unlikely to work but it may be worth trying. You deserve better than this.
 
Your bf, his wife, and you yourself, have bought into the idea of couple privilege. You are allowing yourself to be treated as a second class citisen to keep bf happy, while having few of your own needs met.

Read this:

https://www.morethantwo.com/coupleprivilege.html

You've got a golden parachute: your own home you can move back into! (Many secondaries are not this lucky.) You can be in a polyamorous relationship and have your own place. Your bf can come visit you there, if his wife lets him off leash. If he can't manage that, you've got your answer, they both think of you as a second class person with no rights in a romantic relationship.

Once you're living independently again, you'll be able to negotiate new terms from a position of power. And your bf will have to learn how to be a better hinge in the V. Or he'll give up to keep wifey happy. Whatever.

And you can get back to living in a house you've set up and decorated the way you want!

And maybe you'll tire of being monogamous with a bf who is so uncaring of your needs. Maybe you'll break up with him. Maybe you'll keep him around and give him a chance to treat you better, and meanwhile you can stay open to finding another guy who values you more and treats you better.
 
Hi j68junebug,

I tend to agree with the others that moving out is your best bet. Your boyfriend has threatened to break up with you if you move out. You don't want to take that chance. I think you should take that chance. Consider it an opportunity for your boyfriend to prove himself worthy of you. If he won't, then, value your freedom and let him go.

He and his wife are both treating you poorly. You deserve better. Go out and get it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm beginning to think maybe I'm just not cut out to be poly. I've thought about moving back out (I own my own home). But he says he's afraid we'll break up if I do.
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He's not afraid you will break up if you STAY because you feel so much like a third wheel, like an "outsider" in the home, and because you don't get any time alone?

I agree with previous posters -- you could move out. You solve your outsider feelings yourself by moving back to your home. He can solve his fear feelings.
Each person carries their own baggage. Let the chips fall where it may.

BF either steps it up so you can enjoy time alone together in a home environment you feel comfortable in. Or he doesn't. Then you heal and move on.

I'm beginning to think maybe I'm just not cut out to be poly
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You might not be -- with THESE people who don't hear you or seem to acknowledge that you have your thoughts and feelings too. YOU could acknowledge how you feel. If you are approaching or past your limit of tolerance? Why keep going like this? Make the changes you need so you can feel better.

I still love him, and would love to make this work.
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Well, hopefully he feels the same way and he steps it up when you move out. Someone has to step it up first. It could be you.

Any advice on middle ground for us? Or, how i can better express my feelings?
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I think moving out IS middle ground AND expressing your feelings.

One partner in THIS house, running it how she likes. One partner in THAT house, running it how she likes. That seems fair. What's wrong with that?

Galagirl
 
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Gala girl, he has expressed that he's afraid I'll break up if I get fed up. I get the feeling if I move out it may be over. ..I guess we'll find out. I know they care about me and I care about them. But, I think it's time to take charge of making myself happy. Maybe once I get out I can re-examine whether I want to remain poly, date other people, or basically just do whatever the hell I want, huh?
 
Kevin, you're right also. I've been afraid. I'm ready for him to prove himself to me now. We'll see what happens😕 Magdlyn, I read the post on couple privilege and so much of it hit home with me. ..that's pretty much the story of my life right now . Thank you everyone for the advice. You all have no idea how much this is helping. I just feel like my mind has been spinning in a million different directions lately, and I can't even think straight. Thank you everyone for helping me to keep things in perspective.
 
j68junebug said:
Gala girl, he has expressed that he's afraid I'll break up if I get fed up. I get the feeling if I move out it may be over. ..I guess we'll find out. I know they care about me and I care about them. But, I think it's time to take charge of making myself happy. Maybe once I get out I can re-examine whether I want to remain poly, date other people, or basically just do whatever the hell I want, huh?
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j68junebug said:
Kevin, you're right also. I've been afraid. I'm ready for him to prove himself to me now. We'll see what happens😕 Magdlyn, I read the post on couple privilege and so much of it hit home with me. ..that's pretty much the story of my life right now . Thank you everyone for the advice. You all have no idea how much this is helping. I just feel like my mind has been spinning in a million different directions lately, and I can't even think straight. Thank you everyone for helping me to keep things in perspective.
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So glad we could help! It's really sickening how many new members we get here who are in situations similar to yours. I just hope 100 others read your thread and take back charge of their own lives instead of kowtowing to a privileged couple who treats them like a sex toy/appliance, to be put back in the closet after use!
 
Glad you are feeling a bit better and people's posts helped some.

I think you are responsible for your well being. Nobody will doit better than you -- so please look out for your health.

Gala girl, he has expressed that he's afraid I'll break up if I get fed up.
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You moving out is just you moving out. It's not an "automatic" break up. He'd have no reason to fear you getting "fed up" or moving out if he was listening to your concerns and doing something about them.

I think it's time to take charge of making myself happy.
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You are always in charge of your emotional management. Your emotional management is your responsibility. If you are participating in a situation that brings you more "ugh" than "joy" -- the one choosing to participate is you.

You can ask for changes from your partners. (Which you seem to have asked for.) If they don't choose to help? Then you move on and make the changes you can make without their help. You can move out without their help. So go ahead and follow through on that and see if you feel better about your home life at least.

Maybe once I get out I can re-examine whether I want to remain poly, date other people, or basically just do whatever the hell I want, huh?
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Yes. You can choose what you do. And being away from having to carry these other two may help you realize that you HAVE been carrying them.

  • Sounds like you and BF tiptoe around so wife doesn't have to deal with her emotional management around fear/jealousy. You just make it so she never has to feel anything yucky even if it means shrinking yourselves.

  • Sounds like you stick around in a home life you do not enjoy so BF doesn't have to deal with his fear of break up.You make it so he doesn't have to feel afraid. You shrink yourself there too.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this and struggling. It's hard to love people who say they love you, but DO less than loving behavior toward you. Instead they sound draining.

You go ahead and do loving behavior toward YOU and move out to a healthier home environment. If they love you, they will understand that you need more space to feel better.

Two years of living with UGH is not a reason to keep on staying there.

  • He will either step it up and you will be free of this yucky home life.
  • Or he will not step it up and you break up with him, and you will be free of this yucky home life.

Win for you either way.

Galagirl
 
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Moving out is a possibility. Another may be to rattle things up. Show affection to your BF if you feel affectionate. See where it goes. Make specific requests for specific actions that you can do together. "Can you help me with this drip irrigation?" "Going to buy a phone. Please come along, I'd like your opinions" etc.

Seems you got into the tiptoeing pattern a while ago and there doesn't seem to have been a review whether it is still necessary. It may well turn out to be that these things happen and upset no one, given that you are a member of the family.

If they are a problem, then they will provide you with an opportunity to initiate a conversation about it using a specific example rather than "you always do this" kind of a thing, which runs the risk of dumping years worth resentment onto one situation. It will provide you a means to discuss your needs using a specific and limited example that is likely easier to resolve in terms of a compromise that addresses everyone's needs than an entire relationship in imbalance. If it works, you can do it more often till you reach a place where all three are comfortable.

If nothing works, like you said, you already have a home you can move out to.

I do agree that the situation as it stands seems unfair to your needs and unhealthy for them by enabling denial at the cost of someone else rather than address a situation they entered as adults and with knowing consent.
 
That's a great idea to just bring up a recent example, I definitely don't want to throw years of problems at them. That may seem like I've been stewing over this for two years, when I really haven't. I've only recently become discontent with our situation. He mentioned the other day that he thought things were getting better. I had to remind him that it's better because I stay out of the way and don't ask for any time alone with him, follow all her rules, etc.

It could be that now that she's feeling less anxious and insecure or jealous, I could start asking for more without any problems. You're right about the tip toeing...it's just become a habit now. Maybe it's no longer necessary. Thank you for the advice!
 
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