Local Poly Partner Moving Away

Poly.Pat

New member
Hi all! I am looking for some thoughts/advice about my current situation.

My partner and I have been together for two years. We are non hierarchical, but haven’t been with many other people in the meantime (I.e. pandemic challenges). He received a great job/life opportunity about a 3 hour flight from me, and I am really happy for him to take this step (although sad he won’t be nearby).

Financially, it will be difficult for us to visit each other. While neither of us wants to end the relationship, we also haven’t done long distance before. I think it will be hard for me to go from being so intimate to being distant (like as comet partners), especially when we begin seeing other local partners. He has expressed concern over this and is reticent to make longer term plans. He is opting for a “we will see each other when we see each other” approach, and doesn’t think he can talk on the phone with me as often as I would like (~2 times a week) after he leaves.

In addition, he has just started a relationship with someone who lives about 3 hours from our current town. He “bent” one of our rules by not disclosing that he is poly and has a partner before kissing her (although the did before he slept with her). This did make me uncomfortable. However, despite the distance they are making plans to see each other and talking on the phone quote regularly.

Basically, I feel anxious about the new relationship when ours is so up in the air. It also bothers me that he seems to be willing to put effort into this new LDR while he seems reluctant to do so with ours. I understand that I have some jealousy here to work on, but work love some advice on how to handle this (or if I should end the relationship).

Any thoughts? I’m not sure what works and what doesn’t work in this situation/thoughts about how to visit long distance partners in a more financially savvy way.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
He is opting for a “we will see each other when we see each other” approach, and doesn’t think he can talk on the phone with me as often as I would like (~2 times a week) after he leaves.

It doesn't sound like he is overly concerned about staying in contact with you, which I'm sure doesn't feel great. Is this the extent of the conversation or has he given you more information on what his actual intentions are with you? If he is willing to give it, I would hope to get a more clear understanding of how he views the relationship going forward, just so that I can set my expectations accordingly.

It also bothers me that he seems to be willing to put effort into this new LDR while he seems reluctant to do so with ours.

I recommend prying yourself away from this kind of thinking to the extent possible. All relationships are going to be distinct, because the people in them are distinct. He treats/approaches his relationship with her differently, because she's a totally different person and how he relates to her is unique.

Instead maybe put your energy into taking a look at what is going to change when he leaves and how you are going to manage your new found time and energy. Worrying about what he is or is not doing with her is not going to be energy use that is going to net you anything good.

I understand that I have some jealousy here to work on, but work love some advice on how to handle this (or if I should end the relationship).

The relationship is being adjusted and is going to look different, so the question of whether or not you should end it comes down to what you think about the new configuration. You might not know yet whether or not you want to continue on because it's all still theory.

In any case, the best thing to do is adjust our expectations to line up with the actual reality in front of us. As you learn more about the reality of your relationship with him, you will hopefully adjust your expectations accordingly (which might include ending it).
 

Poly.Pat

New member
It doesn't sound like he is overly concerned about staying in contact with you, which I'm sure doesn't feel great. Is this the extent of the conversation or has he given you more information on what his actual intentions are with you? If he is willing to give it, I would hope to get a more clear understanding of how he views the relationship going forward, just so that I can set my expectations accordingly.



I recommend prying yourself away from this kind of thinking to the extent possible. All relationships are going to be distinct, because the people in them are distinct. He treats/approaches his relationship with her differently, because she's a totally different person and how he relates to her is unique.

Instead maybe put your energy into taking a look at what is going to change when he leaves and how you are going to manage your new found time and energy. Worrying about what he is or is not doing with her is not going to be energy use that is going to net you anything good.



The relationship is being adjusted and is going to look different, so the question of whether or not you should end it comes down to what you think about the new configuration. You might not know yet whether or not you want to continue on because it's all still theory.

In any case, the best thing to do is adjust our expectations to line up with the actual reality in front of us. As you learn more about the reality of your relationship with him, you will hopefully adjust your expectations accordingly (which might include ending it).
Thank you so much for the advice! This is very helpful 🙏
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Poly.Pat,

Honestly, it sounds like your partner is pulling away from you, and his new job/life opportunity is just giving him an excuse to do that. I don't know if he is (perhaps subconsciously) replacing you with the other woman. Maybe.

You could give it a few months after he moves away, and see if he treats you the way you want to be treated (for an LDR). If he doesn't, then you know that breaking up with him is probably the appropriate thing to do.

I hope this forum is helpful for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel better for airing out.

Financially, it will be difficult for us to visit each other.

He is opting for a “we will see each other when we see each other” approach, and doesn’t think he can talk on the phone with me as often as I would like (~2 times a week) after he leaves.

If it were me? Between the finances and his reticence? I'd take that as a "soft break up" and just consider it done.

And if we manage to see each other/connect after move? Call it "bonus" but not like "relationship."

If you need a more firm answer? Could ask him to clarify. Something like...

"So when you say all that... is that like a soft break up? We're changing into maybe FWB or you just want to enjoy the time left and call it done when you move? I dislike vague, so I want to be clear in expectations."

Because I do dislike "vague."

I'm ok with a good parting, and knowing when the time is up. Some relationships are like that -- a summer romance, dating til graduation, etc. You go into them knowing there's a stopping point. They can still be enjoyable and worthwhile.

I just like knowing my expectations are accurate for the current situation. I also like clear communication and not like "hinting." That drives me nuts.

But that's just me.

Galagirl
 
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Poly.Pat

New member
I hope you feel better for airing out.





If it were me? Between the finances and his reticence? I'd take that as a "soft break up" and just consider it done.

And if we manage to see each other/connect after move? Call it "bonus" but not like "relationship."

If you need a more firm answer? Could ask him to clarify. Something like...

"So when you say all that... is that like a soft break up? We're changing into maybe FWB or you just want to enjoy the time left and call it done when you move? I dislike vague, so I want to be clear in expectations."

Because I do dislike "vague."

I'm ok with a good parting, and knowing when the time is up. Some relationships are like that -- a summer romance, dating til graduation, etc. You go into them knowing there's a stopping point. They can still be enjoyable and worthwhile.

I just like knowing my expectations are accurate for the current situation. I also like clear communication and not like "hinting." That drives me nuts.

But that's just me.

Galagirl
Thanks so much for your advice! Yes, we chatted about it again and we confirmed it is a soft break up. We will try to enjoy our time together before the move but then it is done. It is unfortunate, but maybe for the best. He also confirmed that the new partner feels almost like a "balm" - uncomplicated without the strong emotions attached to two years of partnership. He also said that he does indeed feel like he is pulling away to make the move a bit easier. I really appreciate your help!
 

Poly.Pat

New member
Hello Poly.Pat,

Honestly, it sounds like your partner is pulling away from you, and his new job/life opportunity is just giving him an excuse to do that. I don't know if he is (perhaps subconsciously) replacing you with the other woman. Maybe.

You could give it a few months after he moves away, and see if he treats you the way you want to be treated (for an LDR). If he doesn't, then you know that breaking up with him is probably the appropriate thing to do.

I hope this forum is helpful for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thanks Marcus! Yes, you seemed to hit the nail on the head here. We agreed to call it quits. I appreciate your help!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Glad you got the clarity you needed. Hopefully that makes it so you can enjoy these last times together better, and enjoy a good parting.

GG
 
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