Logistics: Kids and Money

M

MsEmotional

Member
My husband (Glasses) and I are opening up our marriage. Right now, we have only been doing this for about a month and we have only one additional partner involved -- my boyfriend (Ponytail). Glasses and I own a house, we have two young (ages 2 and 4) children, we both work. We are busy people.

Does anyone have suggestions for handling some of the logistics? It seems like most of the stories I read involve couples with older children, or no children at all. Some things I am wondering about:

1. Glasses and I have fully entwined finances. We are financially solvent, but with the little kids we are definitely not made of money. Any suggestions for how to budget and talk about money? Right now I don't feel compelled to ask "permission" from my husband in order to spend any money on dates with Ponytail -- but as our relationship deepens and I am wanting to buy him gifts or go out of town and stay in a hotel, etc...things could get pricier. Also, even though right now we don't do very expensive things, just the sheer frequency of dates (Ponytail and I see each other at least 4 days per week right now) means that I am drawing more from our budget than I previously would have spent on just nights out with friends. Any budgeting or communication tips to make sure that we both continue to feel good about our finances?

2. Childcare. Right now, this is the bigger issue. We don't have the money to hire a sitter every time I have a date -- especially since my husband and I are trying to take more dates together too, in order to maintain and nourish our relationship. I feel like my Glasses is raking on the bulk of evening childcare duties and wanting me to dial back the amount of time I am spending with Ponytail in order to make things more equitable. Ponytail is *still* wanting more time with me, and feeling guilty for putting more demands on me. Suggestions? Would it be weird to ask Ponytail to chip in for a babysitter in order to make it possible for me to see him more often?

3. Meeting the kids. How does this work? My husband is really nervous that, even introducing Ponytail as a "friend" is risky. My in-laws see the kids everyday. He is concerned that we have no idea what the kids will tell his parents and what subsequent questions will be asked. Suggestions for poly with kids if you aren't out to family?
 
I don't have suggestions on the kids part, since my sons were teenagers when we opened up. However, on the financial part, my husband and I have entwined finances. For years, we've had our own spending money that we can do whatever we want with, no questions asked by the other partner. We did this before we became poly, but I think it's even more important now that we are poly. I would get really mad at my husband if he were to use family money on trips with his girlfriends. Since he spends the money set aside as his spending money, it is a lot less stressful to me. He just spends his money on dating now instead of computer games :D.
 
My live-in partner (Sudo) and I don't have kids, but we both date people who have kids.

My other partner (Mr. Hyde) is married and has 2 kids ages 3-5ish.
Sudo's other partner (Dancer) is married with 4 kids ages 3-8.

1) While we don't have fully entangled finances and instead have both a joint, and separate bank accounts... finances are my thing. I would recommend that maybe you BOTH budget and try to give yourself an "allowance" in that budget that you both agree is fair. You can decide between yourselves if that means you each get an equal amount of if you get more now because you're the only one with a partner understanding that this may change in the future if Glasses starts dating. But either way, if you both give yourselves spending money, then the other person don't have to worry about it and you can each spend that money how you please. It can be on dates, vacations, pampering yourself, or whatever the heck you want.

If you throw that money into your own personal accounts, then the other partner doesn't need to be bothered if you save up some of your spending money and then splurge it on a huge purchase later. Plus, it will guarantee that you don't accidentally overdo the date/partner spending and mess with the necessary budget for actual bills and other day to day living expenses, or even your own household savings plans.

2) Childcare always ends up being a big thing for those in poly with young kids. Do you want your partners to eventually meet kids? If so, do you want them to know about poly or will that stay hidden from them? Do your partners know each other and do they mind/enjoy spending time with each other? If you're ready to do kid introductions and your partners actually get along, you could start doing family activities or just have Ponytail over to the house even when everyone else is home so that it saves money on babysitting and doesn't necessarily put all childcare on your husband. It also sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and negotiate what a reasonable expectation is for time commitments in terms of number of days you can reasonably be available to see other partners and still balance family time, quality time with your husband (and also keep in mind how any of this might change if and when husband starts dating). I think a great way to do this is for each partner to separately create a wants/needs list. So list what you want ideally, but what you need at minimum which will create a range. Then share that with each other and you can negotiate what works for you both. You can then also do this with Ponytail then and can share what you want/need with that partner and Ponytail can do the same with you. In addition to wants/needs, you can also add to that what you can offer your partner. Especially in the case of Ponytail and balancing time with each partner, you need to be able to express what you can reasonably offer in terms of time, and Ponytail can decide if they can accept it.

As for the pitching in with child care, I certainly think that you could say "hey, I can reasonably see you on average X days per week, but I can also only reasonably get a sitter X days per week and Glasses also has needs that need to be respected. Based on schedules and finances and whatever, I can only make dates that require a sitter happen at X frequency unless you're prepared to assist with that." At the end of the day, he can want whatever he wants, but you only have so much to give, and you could at least then ask him to not pressure you for more than you've made it clear that you can give.

3) Do the kids meet other people in your social circle? If they do, then it might not seem that different for them to meet yet another friend of their parents. But if you really don't want your kids to know, then you have to be SUPER careful about how you interact in front of them. Kids aren't dumb and they pick up on everything. So even if you're not kissing in front of them, they'll notice looks, gestures, little touches here and there. So depending on what you want them to figure out and how open you're willing to be... it would require a serious discussion about acceptable behavior around the kids and whether other partners are willing to respect that. You also really need to work our a plan for what if the kids figure it out anyway. Cause chances are, they will, and it will happen before you reach a comfortable point where you were already planning to tell them anyway. So think about how you'd want that to go.
 
I agree with breathemusic that it is not weird to ask for help paying for childcare for dates. ^_^

On the topic of introducing sweeties to kids, I've always thought it was appropriate to introduce them right alongside all of my other adult friends, and then add more information later if it becomes relevant about just what kind of friend I mean. My kiddo is seven; it took me about six months to decide to tell her the details about my long distance love.
 
Hi MsEmotional,

I definitely think that Ponytail should pitch in for the cost of dates, including babysitter costs. Even just for the four days a week he is currently getting. In addition you could set up your own dating fund, and use it to save up for larger purchases later on down the line.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
To me four dates a week sounds a lot, if that time is always away from time with your kids, and your husband is all that time alone with them? Do you still have enough time left for them, does you husband also get time away from the family, and do you still also have time to be together as the whole family? That much dating would not be ok with my family, with our work and daycare schedules. (I'm realise your situation can be totally different. Just giving my perspective.)

If my new partner would want to spend that much time with me, the only option would be to meet at my home or otherwise with the kids. So yeah, answer to 3 would in our case be yes to meeting the kids early on. We don't really need to hide being poly, but we would still go with friend labels for a long time, I think. But if you want to stay in closet and not let the kids meet your partners, I think you (and your boyfriend) just need to accept that there is limited time to date.
 
Last edited:
I have to agree with more or less everything Nettle said. Alternatively if you're an evening person, there's also the theory of going out after the kids are asleep. I think Ponytail is going to have to realize you just don't have more time to give, not away from young kids. (Were they a lot older, that'd be a thing - but I tend to feel guilty if I'm out more than 2ish nights a week and I have a five year old.)
 
I agree with Nettle also.

I split my time 50/50 between my two husbands BUT my kids are a lot older. They are self sufficient. When they were younger I didn't go out much at all. Even when I first started dating Murf they came first. After 6 months he was slowly eased into their life and then they went with me. Now they are a tween and teen they prefer to do their own thing and have no time for Mom.
 
After my friend Jeannie had her baby, she dumped a couple of boyfriends (& at least one friend) because they expected she'd still be able to run around & be cool just like before. She kept me around because I had no trouble fitting in around the kid's needs for feeding, changing, naps, & general attention.

We got some revenge a few years later when the clueless ones became parents, & we started giving 'em grief about "not being cool anymore." :D
 
I have to agree with Nettle that four dates a week with your boyfriend seems excessive. My kids were in their teens when I started doing poly (I've always *been* poly, it just wasn't something I acted on until a few years ago), and I still chose to limit myself to one night out per week, always coming home at the end of it. When the older one was an adult, I added two sleepovers a month with my then-boyfriend, on weekends when the younger kiddo was with her dad. Now I have one sleepover a week with my current boyfriend, and sometimes see him a second night during the week as well, but both kids are now adults and no longer live with me.

Your kids are still very young, and at those ages, in my opinion, they need a strong bond with Mommy. I'm not meaning to sound like I'm questioning your parenting; at the end of the day, they're your kids and you parent how you parent. But I've read things, including on this forum, from poly moms who spent a lot of time with other partners when their kids were babies and toddlers, with the result that as they got older, the kids had little to no attachment to their mother at all. Obviously that isn't something that happens in all cases, but it is something to be mindful of, perhaps. Then again, you don't seem to have said how long the dates with Ponytail are, so you might not be away from your kids as much as "four dates a week" implies.

As for finances, Hubby and I have a joint bank account for household expenses, and we each have separate accounts for whatever we feel like spending money on. I might recommend something along those lines in your situation, or as someone else suggested, at least designate a certain amount of spending money for each of you.

And if you're seeing Ponytail that often, it would definitely be reasonable to ask him to chip in for childcare.
 
Thanks to Nettle and everyone else for the thoughts about the amount of time I am spending with Ponytail vs Glasses vs Family. When we started this, Ponytail and I figured we'd go on about 1-2 dates a week. I think that would still be my ideal (my ideal in terms of feeling balanced and I like I can manage the rest of my life), but stuff seems to come up and we end up getting together and going for a walk in order to connect after a difficult text conversation or something like that. So it's not really that we are PLANNING 4 dates a week. Really, we are only planning 1 date a week. But then that overflows into more time spent together. And it has been particularly difficult because he has recently gone through a difficult break-up.

So, any advice on how to scale things back to 1-2 dates per week and stick to them? Should I set the boundary that we will only plan one date per week? If something else comes up and we need a flexible "I just want to come over right now and see you" kind of thing, then that can happen once a week, if necessary, but we don't plan for more than that? I don't have much experience with saying "no" in dating. The last time I was in the dating arena, I was single and childless and didn't have much else to worry about.
 
That seems reasonable, especially if you do do the walks or whatnot after kiddo time. Although having to do THAT much processing in an early relationship is... a lot. I mean, I know you're new to poly and so is Ponytail, but still... there's part of me that always tells people "begin how you mean to go on", as if you throw yourself in the deep end of togetherness when the NRE is telling you to, the crash when the NRE starts to wear off is ROUGH. (Go see the beginning of my blog, with HipsterBoy, for how THAT can look... it was a much more complicated situation but that was a large part of it.)
 
I found having a set date night or nights is the only way I would be able to stick with not being totally spontaneous. It can be a hard thing to grasp because it seems so sterile on the surface.
 
You bluntly say I need to spend time with my children.

I can't tell you how many times I have had to back out of plans or miss out on time with someone because my kids needed me, had an event, or etc.

They are small for one small moment in time. They need their parents. They need routine. They did not ask to come into the world and they deserve your attention.

Soon enough they will be grown.
 
Last edited:
(1) My husband and I share finances via a joint account where both our paycheques go into, and from which the bills and household expenses are paid, and we each withdraw a personal allowance. When I go on dates, I use my spending money just like any other time I got out with friends. When my husband and I go out together, we use the joint account.

It's not clear from your post whether you have your own income. That could make a difference. If you have your own income, then you have negotiating power for how it's spent. If you're dependent on your husband for money, then he a reasonable expectation to restrict how it gets spent.

(2) My ex is a mother of three and when I started dating her 5 years ago, two things were made abundantly clear:
1. The kids come first, every time. As they should. Anyone who can't get on board with that shouldn't date parents, period.
2. The kids already have 3 parents and they did not need any more parental figures.

It seems silly to hire a sitter for a date with your boyfriend when your husband is available. Understanding the equality factor, could you and your husband agree to give each other one night off from childcare duties every week? You can use yours for dates with Ponytail, he can use his to go drinking with the boys or whatever floats his boat.

As for date availability, one option is combining activities. You mention that sometimes you and Ponytail go for walks -- that's perfect. Exercise is important, and any parent needs a few daily minutes of grown-up time where they're not working or running around. A "date" doesn't have to be a 4-hour extravaganza. He could come meet you for a 30-minute walk three times a week. Together with your weekly date, that's over half the days of the week that you can see each other, but less than a movie's worth of time away from your family.

(3) My ex and her husband are open with the kids about being poly, but the relationship between the kids and other partners is no different than that between the kids and their numerous family friends. She and her husband take the parenting philosophy that people will come in and out of your life, all your life, and that learning to say goodbye and mourn the loss of important relationships is a valuable skill to learn. They have an active social life and are always making and breaking friendships of varying levels of closeness, so their poly partners just fit into that rotation like anyone else.

However, they're also out to their parents, so they don't have to explain why one friend in particular seems to be coming over so much more than the other family friends...
 
Last edited:
Ah, the kids. You need a lot of money to raise good people out of them. Good clothes, good education, sports equipment - it all requires a lot of money. I don't have kids, but I have a 9-year-old brother and that's why I know this situation. This is the reason I've decided to invest in passive income. Not so long ago I've seen an article on this link removed by moderator site and it inspired me. OP, maybe you need something like that too? I wish you good luck.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
DarthSidious - guess you really wanted to talk about your passive income investment as you've resurrected a three-year-old thread :p You can always start a new topic thread, e.g. in Fireplace.
 
fuchka said:
DarthSidious - guess you really wanted to talk about your passive income investment as you've resurrected a three-year-old thread :p You can always start a new topic thread, e.g. in Fireplace.
Click to expand...

I reported that post as spam.
 
Villemms said:
One tip that I've compiled during the pandemic is that money can start huge fights that are not worth it. What I've started to do is only use on myself the money that I make from other sources, like the apps that pay you that I've been using lately. I mean as most of us lost our jobs during the pandemic it would be unfair to bet or use the family money on something childish and start huge arguments, that's why using only the money that you make by yourself from external sources is the best way to go by it. As I said in the beginning, just a tip that I got a hang of during the past couple of months.
Click to expand...
Moderators/admins, please ban this user. They have made 5 posts and every one of them has a spammy link in it, and their username is in the style of spam-bot gibberish. Somehow they have managed to create a profile that looks like a "real" person, with the "poly-ish" logo as the profile picture (which it really isn't because if you look at it closely, it's just a stick-figure drawing of two adults holding up a blue rectangle with two children with a heart around it, nothing "poly" or "non-monogamous" or even "LGBTQIAPPWTF+" about it whatsoever), and their message content has *just* enough jibber-jabber to make it look like a genuine answer at first glance, but if you take it all in holistically, it is clear that this is not a meaningful contribution to the community.

And yes, I have already used the "Report" button to report these posts.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top