LOL Im questioning my sexuality after trying poly for the first time

polyamitoo

New member
Hello!

I first just want to say how appreciative I am that this forum exists, and that I can fall on the collective knowledge of poly folks in a safe space. I'm pretty outgoing and not abashed about being OUT in a crowd (of strangers) but corona quarantine has really made it difficult for me to network with some poly folks, and im struggling.

My now husband and I started dating when I was freshly 20. I am now 30. We've had our ups and downs, but our struggles have brought us close and made us strong. We experienced homelessness together. He is a raised-in-traditionalism African, military-raised, Catholic, and me, a white, middle class, daughter-of-a-second-wave-feminist-scholar, feminist. I learned so much about my privileges, and he learned so much about gender and sexuality. He helped me get comfortable with the word God, and my faith is stronger than ever. We're soul mates, and I could never love another person like I love him.

I was out as bisexual when he and I started dating, but ours was my first real relationship, and I had only had 1 or 2 sexual encounters with women at that point. his perception of bisexuality evolved from "that's hot," to, "Oh ok, this is a real attraction for you," to, "Oh ok, you can actually love people of other genders." Every year around pride we have the "OK, it's pride.." talk, but nothing ever came of it. I'm not into dating apps, there are only bars for gay men where I live, and the few times I could carry a conversation with a woman, she'd run after finding out I was married. I also consider myself Demi-sexual when it comes to women, and finally found "sexually fluid" to be the most fitting term for me last year. In November I finally met someone who was on board for it, for purely sexual reasons, but you know how these things go. This was my first sexual or romantic experience with another person in 9 years.

Before, I knew people identified as poly, but it could only ever be a situation for me. I could never love someone like I loved my husband. Then I experienced head-over-heels, accelerating-down-a-mountain kind of NRE for this girl. I literally told her I felt like I was standing on the edge of the earth. Of course, she's a tattoos, motorcycle, brooding but she writes poetry kind of STEM. I had to rewire my whole brain and spirituality for poly. But this is not my biggest struggle.

She decided poly wasn't for her (because it was supposed to be just sex, right?) and that's cool. we're friends and still close. but like. all I can think about now is women. not just genitalia. sadly I dont have any bisexual friends to talk this out with, but... is this just how women love? maybe she could only articulate the words on paper, and didn't even want to show them to me, but her energy was pulsating. remember, my husband comes from a traditional background, so emotional intimacy is something he struggles with, but we've come a long way. he's so supportive, knows im sexually fluid and that all I can think about is vulva. but that is trust, not emotional intimacy... right?

The beauty of poly is that you can have all different types of relationships. I read more than two (I know it has its problems) but I love that Eve is married even though she's not attracted to her husband. My husband read it too, but that part made him uncomfortable. He doesn't think he could be in a relationship without attraction, even if there isn't sex. So part of me feels like I need to slap a more finite label on my sexuality.

So, 1. was it just the person and not the girl, plus my NRE? 2. Is it that this is what REAL emotional intimacy is supposed to feel like? or, 3. Do women just love differently? I guess that's my real question. Does loving a woman always feel like this? Apparently this feeling is enough for me to skip over sexual fluidity, which I humbly think is the most scientific approach to bisexuality, and go straight to, "maybe Im actually gay."
 

FallenAngelina

Active member
....all I can think about is vulva. ...I love that Eve is married even though she's not attracted to her husband.

Put aside what everyone else is thinking and saying for a moment. Put aside trying to figure out how everyone is going to react or fit in your life. Put aside the sexuality label that might fit you best. There are many men and women and non-binary gendered people in the world, but you won't be attracted to everyone in your "group." First off, simply ask yourself, are you attracted to your husband, now that you know what real sexual attraction feels like? Are you sexually attracted to him as an individual? The answer is really important to know about yourself as you make choices going forward.
 
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Al99

Active member
Hi polyamitoo - and welcome to the Forum! Although I do not have any personal insight into your specific situation, I did very much enjoy reading of your interesting background. We will look forward to hearing more of your story.

You may also want to post about this situation in the Poly Relationships section - it tends to be the most active section of the forum, and is certainly appropriate for the topic. You will probably get more feedback there.

You might also enjoy the Spirituality section as well - there are a number of interesting posts there. (Spirituality is also an important aspect of my life).

The classic poly text, "The Ethical Slut" (first published in 1997 - it is now in its 3rd edition), has quite a bit to say about poly and lesbian sex/relationships - you might find it helpful. Although, Tristan Taormino's "Opening Up' is probably the best book for couples who are opening up. "More Than Two", although laborious and opinionated, is an important text on poly ethics - but you might find either of these other two more helpful in your situation.

Again, welcome!

Al
 
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Magdlyn

Well-known member
I was in a 30 year relationship/marriage with a man. I ID as non-binary now, but I'm more femme than not. We were mostly mono, although we tried to Open near the end, with no good results for various reasons. We split in late 2008.

In early 2009, I met a woman who soon became my dear anchor partner on a polyamorous journey for both of us. Now, I do like men, and I love sex with men, but as far as romantic love goes (and the sex is great too), wow. I so prefer my partner Pixi to any man I have dated, before or since my marriage.

I've always had a few really good platonic female friends throughout my life, including my sister and late mother. We can talk about anything- we talk things to death (never accusatory or sarcastic), we are kind to each other, polite, caring, nurturing, supportive, generous, make each other laugh, share interests in clothes and makeup and hair cooking and home decorating ideas etc., etc. So now, with Pixi, I have all that I had/have with my dear platonic friends, plus romance and sex! It's so much easier than it ever was with my ex h or any other male ex since.

We just get each other. And we are so kind to each other, and non-competitive, and never petty.

Now, granted, maybe I just never met the right guy. I'm sure there are men out there, especially younger ones, who are as lovely to be with as Pixi.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings polyamitoo,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You seem to be wondering whether you are bi or gay, and you are reevaluating how you feel about your husband. You say he is your soulmate; you say you could never love another person like you love your husband. You do not say whether you are sexually attracted to him. Is this part of what you are trying to figure out? You say he struggles with emotional intimacy. Is this a roadblock in your marriage? Is it something you could fix? Is it something you want to fix? Your husband says he could not be in a marriage without attraction. Could *you* be in a marriage without attraction? Is that a point of incompatibility between you? Does this mean that polyamory is not for you, that you no longer want to be with your husband, that you want to be with this new woman instead? These are some of the questions you need to be asking yourself.

You definitely seem to be having some NRE going on there, although I couldn't say how much of it is that, and how much of that is loving a woman. I can't tell you whether that's how loving a woman always is, as I am a (straight) man. I would focus less on that aspect at this time, and more on how you feel about your husband. Is your marriage still viable if you're not attracted to him? How does he feel about that? The one thing I am sure about, about marriage, is that it has to work for both people, both people have to agree to its conditions, otherwise it won't work. I hope this marriage works for both of you, but honestly I think that is part of what you (both of you) are trying to figure out.

I would say, don't be in too much of a rush to try and figure out whether you are bi or gay. Give it some time, maybe the NRE will fade a little and then the rest of picture will come into focus. I hope Polyamory.com can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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GalaGirl

Well-known member
Welcome.

You have a lot to unpack there after having an eye opening relationship. I mean this kindly, ok?

If you were a flower that needed watering every day? And your husband could only water once a month? A person coming to water ever week is gonna feel amazing in comparison. But wait... you still need water every day...

So if you require more emotional intimacy that you were used to getting from husband and this woman came along and even though it was kinda only coming through written word, it felt good to share it because it was more than before. But that doesn't sound like the level of communication you actually want. Time will give you perspective on your relationships. And about yourself. So take some time.

So, 1. was it just the person and not the girl, plus my NRE? 2. Is it that this is what REAL emotional intimacy is supposed to feel like? or, 3. Do women just love differently?I guess that's my real question. Does loving a woman always feel like this?

No. Because the next woman could be a poor match. Or the next guy could be better at expressing emotional intimacy.

I share emotional intimacy and mental intimacy with my spouse, my closer friends. You can share it with whoever wants to share back. Remember these two people are just two people. They have their own ways of going. Which aren't representative of all persons ever.

Right now you seem to view her through many NRE clouds.

  • First serious relationship other than hubby NRE (And he sounds like your first serious adult relationship in general since you got together at 20 yrs old)
  • First serious relationship in a LONG time NRE (9 years!)
  • First relationship with a woman NRE (1st Ever!)
  • Poly NRE (1st Ever!)
  • She's just awesome individual person NRE
  • Missing her now that it's over clouds too.

I'm sure she's is/was lovely, but at the same time... Note all the lala clouds that may be clouding your view.

If you were poly dating for years and met someone new, it would "just" be the "new person NREs" and not all this other extra stuff piled on. Take a breath. And take a step back to think and soul search. Let the dust settle some.

Apparently this feeling is enough for me to skip over sexual fluidity, which I humbly think is the most scientific approach to bisexuality, and go straight to, "maybe Im actually gay."

Well, do you think you are actually gay? Spend some time with that. Of all the things, that seems the most important.

Sometimes these life experiences happen, and then they lead to gaining a better understanding of yourself.

Is that happening here? You are coming to realize you are actually gay? Only YOU can answer that.

Take your time thinking it out.

Galagirl
 
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