Long distance and polyamory?

ray said:
I would not seek out an LDR, or be very likely to begin dating someone I'd never met. But if I had a relationship that became long distance, and I deeply cared about that individual, I'm sure I'd figure something out.
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I said the same thing.
 
LDRs, like any other relationship, can work if all parties involved want them to work. Period. The same things that we constantly talk about as being key to polyamorous relationships, monoamorous relationships, and the like, are the same components that are key in an LDR. You can do whatever you desire, as long as you approach everything sincerely, honestly, and with great effort. I have had multiple long distance relationships and, at times, have had a greater connection and received more of the support I desired from my miles-away partner than I did from a partner that was closer to me.

I think it is important for you, your bf, and your gf to sit down and really weigh your desire to pursue the relationship, the pros and cons of the circumstances, what each of you are willing to compromise in order to make this work, and come to a mutual agreement about how you wish to proceed.

I wish you the best of everything.
 
eklctc said:
LDRs, like any other relationship, can work if all parties involved want them to work. Period. The same things that we constantly talk about as being key to polyamorous relationships, and monoamorous relationships, are the same components that are key in an lDR. You can do whatever you desire as long as you approach everything sincerely, honestly, and with great effort. I have had multiple long-distance relationships and, at times, have had a greater connection and received more of the support I desired from my miles-away partner than I did from a partner that was closer to me.

I think it is important for you, your bf, and your gf to sit down and really weigh your desire to pursue the relationship, the pros and cons of the circumstances, what each of you are willing to compromise in order to make this work, and come to a mutual agreement about how you wish to proceed.
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Same here. My most loving relationship was with someone who lived a ways away. We were lucky seeing each other once a month, at times.
Unfortunately, the effort was not put into keeping that relationship strong, and there was a lot of miscommunication, which only made things harder.
 
If a person is not interested in LDRs for themselves, then why are they in some way against it? I hear this quite often. Anyone have an idea why this is so?

I would most likely not engage in an LDR as it wouldn't be for me, for several reasons, including my need to touch, smell, have sex with my partner, to have constant life stuff with my partner on a day-to-day basis, etc. But I am thrilled that anyone finds and is able to love one another. How they do that is up to them, and is worth supporting, as far as I am concerned. Go for it. Is that negative though, that I wouldn't/couldn't myself? That I have a different take on it than those that have/can have LDRs? I'm not feeling negative towards it. It confuses me that anyone would think I am. Is it because I have a different description of how I do relationships, and like to express that, so that others know it's okay to not want an LDR, or even not go into a relationship that might become one?

I find it interesting and confusing that if someone has a different opinion, that if they express it that they are in some way against other's opinions and ideas of how they want to lead their lives. Perhaps that is a bit off topic, but I seem to be doing that lately. Sorry if it is.
 
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redpepper said:
If a person is not interested in LDRs for themselves, then why are they in someway against it? I hear this quite often. Anyone have an idea why this is so?

I would most likely not engage in an LDR, as it wouldn't be for me, for several reasons, including my need to touch, smell, have sex with my partner, etc. But I am thrilled that anyone finds and is able to love one another. How they do that is up to them, and is worth supporting, as far as I am concerned. Go for it. Is that negative though, that I wouldn't/couldn't myself? That I have a different take on it than those that have/can have LDRs? I'm not feeling negative towards it. It confuses me that anyone would think I am. Is it because I have a different description of how I do relationships, and like to express that, so that others know it's okay to not want an LDR, or even not go into a relationship that might become one?

I find it interesting and confusing that if someone has a different opinion, that if they express it that they are in someway against others opinions and ideas of how they want to lead their lives. Perhaps that is a bit off topic, but I seem to be doing that lately. Sorry.
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Well, since you originally aimed this at me, I`ll take the bait. I'm bored enough today.

It's funny, because everything you say, I feel equally, except from the opposite point of view. You have many, many, times expressed a dismissive attitude towards LDRs. Though if someone defends a LDR, you seem to wonder what all the huff is about.

I couldn't give two shits if you, or anyone else, disliked LDRs. Really, I don`t care. :) I`m going to keep doing what I feel works. The reason this topic is interesting is because it comes across very much like when parents all remark to their kids how a relationship will never fly, for some reason or another.

The truth is, only time will tell. The proof of the pudding is in the taste, so to speak. Relationships are made and broken on the challenges they face. These challenges differ from relationship to relationship.

The biggest mantra in successful polyamory is COMMUNICATION. Not touch. Not smell. Not proximity. While those are important, they are nothing if people can`t communicate.

In an LDR, there is nothing tested more then your ability to communicate effectively. If it`s not there, none of the others will save you.

I see many people do just fine in LDRs, until all the naysayers get in, and create doubts in people`s heads. That saddens me. I`m a tough bird, and I shrug things off rather well. I do seem to get worried with perception on a general basis, though. I tend to want to defend the general concept when it is being portrayed like an automatic sinking ship.

In the poly community, we are already dealing with being a minority, so to see people diminish each other further makes me shake my head. Some people then cave to the pressure of constantly being told that, simply due to distance, a relationship wont cut it in the long run. Why throw that negative energy at people who might have something positive? If people want to help one another, why not share with them your mistakes and lessons learned?

Sentences that start with If I were ever to do a LDR again, I would make sure... are much more supportive and helpful than: I will never do a LDR again, because__________ and ____, and it's a nightmare.

How can people sell the benefits of poly to other people, and make statements like, "Yes, it takes more work, with more people. Yes, we talk more and have to pay attention more, but it is so worth it," yet not substitute the subject of poly with long distance? It stinks of "My poly is better then your poly."

LDRs have been going on for thousands of years successfully. They continue in every part of the world, for a variety of reasons. Many a military family deals with long-distance love. Parts of history could never have had the outcomes they did without long-distance love.

Regardless of personal style, it is a fascinating subject. How do the successful ones work? Why do they work? It`s the ultimate exhibition of caring energy, to be able to not see or feel your loved one for a long period of time, yet still feel that loving energy every day! :) It's one of the very few examples left in the world where love can conquer all.

Redpepper, you don't get to see Derbylicious very often. Does that take away from anything you feel for her ? I am guessing not. Whether the absence of a loved one is due to scheduling conflicts or distance, it sure doesn`t mean that the relationship is any less important.

I "smile and nod" for just that reason. I find the negative attitudes to be personal-opinion based (usually based on a soured history), and everyone is entitled to their opinion.

Preciselove obviously went through a very tough LDR and doesn't wish that experience on anyone. He asked openly who likes them. Well, I do. :)

Where it changes with you, Redpepper, is you come across as quite dismissive of other people's relationships, if it isn`t your particular style.
Two things everyone knows from reading Redpepper's threads are 1) hates casual sex, 2) has no respect for LDRs.

Okay, we get it.

I don`t know if that's just how you type, or my perception is off, but it's chronic, whichever it is. You mention that you don`t know how anyone could think you have a negative take on it. I can answer this. I think back to the frustrations I read in your posts when your husband was dating that woman who was moving away. That would be when I first noticed a dismissive air to the posts. Most others all begin with you speaking of your negative experience.

This post of yours, that I am quoting today, is the first time I have read from you the ability to separate your personal style from what works for others. I quite liked this post of yours, actually. I am glad you edited it. This sounds really fair to me.
 
SourGirl said:
LDR`s have been going on for thousands of years successfully. They continue in every part of the world, for a variety of reasons. Many a military family deals with long-distance love. Parts of history could never have had the outcomes it did, without long-distance love. Regardless of personal style, it is a fascinating subject. How DO the successful ones work? Why did they work? It`s the ultimate exhibition of caring energy. To be able to not see, or feel your loved one for a long period of time, yet still feel that loving energy every day. :) It's one of the very few examples left in the world, where love can conquer all.
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Beautifully expressed!
 
I responded, but took it off, as I am not in a good head space at the moment due to other issues that are of importance.
 
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The LDR I was in is still one of the relationships I am in now. I am just stating that LDRs are incredibly difficult, at least for people like me that love affection. We didn't really have many issues besides the lack of missing each others touch and presence.

If an LDR is all someone can have at that point in time, it's certainly a lot better than nothing. I feel it's like this.

5) No relationship
4) daylight
3) LDR
2) daylight
1) physical relationship

Hence if you're at #1 and it returns to #3 you're regressing in my mind, but still, it's better than nothing.
 
preciselove said:
The LDR I was in is still one of the relationships I am in now. I am just stating that LDRs are incredibly difficult, at least for people like me that love affection. We didn't really have many issues besides the lack of missing each others touch and presence.

If an LDR is all someone can have at that point in time, it's certainly a lot better than nothing. I feel it's like this.

5) No relationship
4) daylight
3) LDR
2) daylight
1) physical relationship

Hence if you're at #1 and it returns to #3 you're regressing in my mind, but still, it's better than nothing.
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I don't understand 4 and 2 for the life of me.

Sometimes people have to move to get the best from their life. Maybe they are offered a job which pays twice as much, but they have to move away to get it. You are unable to move with them, because you have your own secure job with no other job to move into where they are?

Long distance can be difficult, especially when you need that affection. But, I feel if it's for something like that, it will make their life better and they will be happier. I don't feel like they are going backwards in the relationship. We'd just have less time to be with each other.
 
As much as I myself would like to think that things hold a chance of working, I am starting to have my doubts. The girlfriend in the relationship has expressed that she does not want to try at this anymore. As much as it pains me, I must give the bf and the gf, now my exes, space and let them make their decisions.

They had issues within their relationship before I came into the picture. And even though I served as a lovely distraction for them for a time, they thought they could repair their issues with me added to the picture, but it seems that this is going all wrong.

It's very hard, because I really did end up falling for both him and her, and I wish that I could have the happy feelings that I felt with the both of them last me for my lifetime, but I can't make people feel for me what I feel for them.

Maybe if I give them space I can have a second chance. But I am not sure at this point. I need to try and refocus on myself and my life right now, as hard as that might be for me to do.
 
kala83 said:
as much as I myself would like to think that things hold a chance of working I am starting to have my doubts, the girlfriend in the relationship has expressed that she does not want to try anymore. I must give the bf and the gf space and let them make their decisions.

they had issues within their relationship before I came into the picture and even though I served as a lovely distraction for them for a time. Maybe if I give them space I can have a second chance but I am not sure at this point. I need to try and re focus on myself and my life right now as hard as that might be for me to do.
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Good idea to focus on yourself and your own happiness. That was pretty selfish of them to bring you into a relationship which already had problems.
 
Yeah. The bf totally admitted that what he was doing was purely selfish. He wanted to try and keep his relationship with her and also with me. In retrospect, I feel a little foolish for letting myself fall for him like I did.

I can't believe they are telling me I am acting childish, because I kept texting them today trying to talk to them about the situation and have a discussion about it.

It's obvious that the damage they have caused is done. There is very little to do but just try and push through the hurt and try to get on with my life. I just hope that when I really meet people that do truly care and love me, that they will consider others around them.

I am not really one to talk. My issue is the exact opposite in that I think of everyone else that is involved in the relationships first, rather then myself at all, until everything with everyone else has been resolved.

I am really unsure if this will be the last time I hear from them, because they have a tendency to say one thing but then end up doing another. If I do hear something back I will most certainly try to be cautious about how I go do anything.
 
SourGirl said:
Where it changes with you, Redpepper, is you come across as quite dismissive of other people's relationships, if it isn`t your particular style.
Two things everyone knows from reading Redpepper's threads: 1) hates casual sex, and 2) has no respect for LDw.

Ok, we get it.

I don`t know if that's just how you type, or my perception is off, but its chronic, whichever it is. You mention that you don`t know how anyone could think you have a negative take on it. I can answer this. I think back to the frustrations I read in your posts when your husband was dating that woman who was moving away. That would be when I first noticed a dismissive air to the posts. Most others all begin with you speaking of your negative experience.

This post of yours that I am quoting today is the first time I have read in you the ability to separate your personal style from what works for others. I quite liked this post of yours actually. I am glad you edited it. This sounds really fair to me.
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Thanks for this input, Sourgirl. Unfortunately, you have me wrong. I go through a process, like anyone else. I just chose to be very open about it. I don't hate casual sex or LDRs. I hate them for me. If that is negative, then so be it. I have a dismissive air when I am emotional and need help understanding so that I can accept. I have had negative experiences. I talk of them on here also by way of processing them. I am no different than others that write on here looking for answers.

The rest of your post was an interesting perspective. Communication is indeed number one. I guess I took that as a given in my relationships. The touch and smell part only happens when I am with someone, and isn't a given. I can see how communication would sustain a relationship for a long time if it were long distance. It seems to work for people, and that is awesome. As I said, finding love in whichever way it comes to us is what it's all about. :)
 
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