Long info dump vent...
- Thread starter vandalin
- Start date
vandalin
New member
Here I go again...
How in the world do you move on from someone you can't, no matter what you do, get out of your head? I can't give him up as a friend and I won't give him up as a friend. I can't keep my brain busy 24/7 and even those moments when my brain is busy he just creeps back in there.
We actually went 5 days without talking. I caved finally and IM'd him today. Although we aren't back to our deep and thinking conversations (which I can understand) and it did feel a little more two sided, but not by much.
And he did it again, he left without saying goodnight...although he may have fallen asleep at his computer (he's done that before lol).
I've been moody and mopey all weekend...and most of last week too for that matter. Hubby is wonderful and keeps trying to help but he knows there really isn't anything he can do except to be there for me. I've told him about this, how Elric is always on my brain, and he is being very understanding and isn't jealous or anything, just worried about me. And I'm kinda worried too, I've never felt this way, this strongly about anyone before.
I could probably go on for hours, but I have to shower before I go to bed and we have an early apt. tomorrow with the Couples Counselor which I get to go over all this with, so I will say goodnight. Now worries about advice or whatnot, just needing to vent a little...unless you have a sure fire way of getting the romantic love out of my brain.
How in the world do you move on from someone you can't, no matter what you do, get out of your head? I can't give him up as a friend and I won't give him up as a friend. I can't keep my brain busy 24/7 and even those moments when my brain is busy he just creeps back in there.
We actually went 5 days without talking. I caved finally and IM'd him today. Although we aren't back to our deep and thinking conversations (which I can understand) and it did feel a little more two sided, but not by much.
And he did it again, he left without saying goodnight...although he may have fallen asleep at his computer (he's done that before lol). I've been moody and mopey all weekend...and most of last week too for that matter. Hubby is wonderful and keeps trying to help but he knows there really isn't anything he can do except to be there for me. I've told him about this, how Elric is always on my brain, and he is being very understanding and isn't jealous or anything, just worried about me. And I'm kinda worried too, I've never felt this way, this strongly about anyone before.
I could probably go on for hours, but I have to shower before I go to bed and we have an early apt. tomorrow with the Couples Counselor which I get to go over all this with, so I will say goodnight. Now worries about advice or whatnot, just needing to vent a little...unless you have a sure fire way of getting the romantic love out of my brain.
redpepper
Active member
Ahh, poor Vandalin. I feel for you. I too have suffered many a night wondering what the heck is going on and feeling hopeless to do anything about it. I feel your pain. It sucks. Believe me sweets, it passes. I just looked back today as a song came on that reminded me of a love that went wrong and that ended abruptly with no communication.... I couldn't believe how I felt nothing for him anymore and how I could think of everything that happened as if it were a story rather than a huge emotional turmoil that I thought would never end. hang in there my friend. We are all rooting for you and hear for you
I feel your pain. It sucks. Believe me sweets, it passes. I just looked back today as a song came on that reminded me of a love that went wrong and that ended abruptly with no communication.... I couldn't believe how I felt nothing for him anymore and how I could think of everything that happened as if it were a story rather than a huge emotional turmoil that I thought would never end. hang in there my friend. We are all rooting for you and hear for you 
MonoVCPHG
New member
Vandalin, I really feel for you but I also really think you need to let go of this somehow. He has made it clear that you can only be friends and not saying good night to you every day is pretty normal for just friends. Remember to focus on building what is possible with him and don't delude yourself into thinking he is not being honest in what he wants, sometimes you just have to trust.
I would suggest you try not to reach out for a while. This may come off as desperation or clinginess, which may push him farther away. Give it more time; let him come to you to rebuild the friendship. If he really wants to be a part of your life he will reach out himself. The ball is hypothetically in his court, let him decide to serve it or not.
I would suggest you try not to reach out for a while. This may come off as desperation or clinginess, which may push him farther away. Give it more time; let him come to you to rebuild the friendship. If he really wants to be a part of your life he will reach out himself. The ball is hypothetically in his court, let him decide to serve it or not.
Vandalin, I was thinking exactly the same thing; thanks Mono for saving me from having to type it myself.
You know I just went through (still am) almost the same situation you did.
Oh hun. I too know this hurts from experience. I dated someone almost 9 years ago now who will always be in my heart and who I now have a very one-sided relationship with. I IM him whenever I see him online, occasionally get him to talk, and he only starts a conversation when he needs me or when he's been drinking. N knows how I feel. But the truth is, as much as the love is still there for me, all the romance has gone out of it. It just took time and the realization that I've done all I can with that relationship. As has been said before, the ball is in his court. Time, time, time. Sometimes it is all that heals the wounds.
vandalin
New member
Thanks for the thoughts guys. I know what you all are saying and I am working on it. I did go 5 days without initiating contact after all and considering that's coming down from talking every night? So this time I go a longer.
It's weird because I'm not afraid of loosing him entirely as a friend, that is what we both have wanted from the beginning and we both have stated that this is what we still want...but I am afraid of not having the level of friendship that we both wanted from the beginning and that I believe we both deserve (if that makes sense).
Yes, time it will take and time I will give.
And Mono, I didn't mean that he doesn't say goodnight to me every night now. But when you are talking to someone in IM, having a conversation no matter how small talkish...wouldn't you say goodnight or at least close off the conversation? He always said goodnight whenever we are chatting unless he falls asleep which is what happened again.
I really do think he is trying. He was playful and fun when we were talking about "safe" things like the games we were playing on FB or his daughter. I honestly think he may just be worried that "evil selfish bitch" might try to make an appearance and that is what I'm trying to show to him, that she is gone and the old me is back...but without shoving it in his face.
Anyway, I will give it more time this time and with luck he will talk to me again, of his own volition, within the next few days. Thanks again for all your support guys, it is really appreciated.
It's weird because I'm not afraid of loosing him entirely as a friend, that is what we both have wanted from the beginning and we both have stated that this is what we still want...but I am afraid of not having the level of friendship that we both wanted from the beginning and that I believe we both deserve (if that makes sense).
Yes, time it will take and time I will give.
And Mono, I didn't mean that he doesn't say goodnight to me every night now. But when you are talking to someone in IM, having a conversation no matter how small talkish...wouldn't you say goodnight or at least close off the conversation? He always said goodnight whenever we are chatting unless he falls asleep which is what happened again.
I really do think he is trying. He was playful and fun when we were talking about "safe" things like the games we were playing on FB or his daughter. I honestly think he may just be worried that "evil selfish bitch" might try to make an appearance and that is what I'm trying to show to him, that she is gone and the old me is back...but without shoving it in his face.
Anyway, I will give it more time this time and with luck he will talk to me again, of his own volition, within the next few days. Thanks again for all your support guys, it is really appreciated.
MonoVCPHG
New member
I love "safe" topics myself although I am uncertain what an unsafe topic would be except maybe sexuality. I must admit sexuality is not a topic that used to come up a lot with my "just" friends in the past. Now that I am in a different atmosphere it seems to be in every conversation LOL! I could definitely understand his hesitancy to talk about anything related to intimacy and sex if these are the topics you are referencing.
"evil selfish bitch" is a bit strong don't you think V? Don't be so hard on yourself.
Smile a little
vandalin
New member
Today is day five... only a few more hours left until day six...and this is killing me.
Sorry, not meaning to drag this on and on for you guys. Just don't really have anyone else to talk to about all this. I go on and on about him to my hubby and even though he never says anything negative and will sit and listen to me drone for hours while trying to be as supportive as he can, I don't think it's fair to him to have me going on about my "friend" all the time.
I have no problem with "Elric" staying in my heart forever but I just wish sometimes that I could get him out of my head for more than five minutes at a time. No matter what I'm doing, pop! there he is again. Dishes, laundry, shopping, changing my daughter diaper for crying out loud!
Is a little normalcy in our conversations so much to ask for? Or at least knowing if this is his normal behavior with other friends or is it just with me. Just knowing that I'm not bugging him or that he wants to talk with me would do wonders.
Gotta go now. Head is hurting too much. Thanks for putting up with me again.
Sorry, not meaning to drag this on and on for you guys. Just don't really have anyone else to talk to about all this. I go on and on about him to my hubby and even though he never says anything negative and will sit and listen to me drone for hours while trying to be as supportive as he can, I don't think it's fair to him to have me going on about my "friend" all the time.
I have no problem with "Elric" staying in my heart forever but I just wish sometimes that I could get him out of my head for more than five minutes at a time. No matter what I'm doing, pop! there he is again. Dishes, laundry, shopping, changing my daughter diaper for crying out loud!
Is a little normalcy in our conversations so much to ask for? Or at least knowing if this is his normal behavior with other friends or is it just with me. Just knowing that I'm not bugging him or that he wants to talk with me would do wonders.
Gotta go now. Head is hurting too much.
Thanks for putting up with me again.Sorry to hear this pain is dragging on and so deep for you Van.....to a certain degree it's normal....but, you have a family, a spouse, kids, etc that should be provoding you with a good measure of happiness and fulfillment in your life....I fear this is dragging on to a depth that is not healthy for you. Eventually your very understanding spouse is gonna have enough! Maybe in some warped way, you are not at all happy with your current life and just looking for a way out????? I hate to play Freud here but on a clinical level this obsession you have with Elric is not a healthy reaction or life for you. Would you consider counseling? Sorry if this is offending, I just don't want to hear you suffering (especially in your head) anymore.
vandalin
New member
Hey Mark,
Not offended at all. It actually has come up frequently lately in my counseling sessions. My husband and I are seeing a couples counselor for my libido issues (which are back to the low end again, surprise surprise) and I am seeing a psychologist for my depression and anxiety issues.
The problems I have, like last night, seem to come in cycles over the week. For the first few days after I talk to him, I'm fine. When he pops in my brain, it's more of just as a friend. Wishing we could hang out as friends instead of only online (400 miles still sucks but for different reasons now). Around day 4-5 of not talking to him, I start to get anxious, maybe he doesn't want to talk to me, maybe he is afraid of something (bad van making another appearance for example). Then by day 5-6 I'm a mess thinking that I royally messed up any chance of us having a friendship etc... then I talk to him again and I start feeling a little better again.
My inner Freud thinks that it has a lot to do with the fact that for 2+ months straight we talked almost every night. Now it has suddenly (with reason I suppose) dropped to once a week. Maybe it's withdrawals, but it would have been nice to be weened off the conversations as opposed to just dropped. Cool down period or not. As bad as I feel about my part in the whole problem, I don't think it's fair to me. I am the one with the broken heart and all, I am the one who has to accept him as just a friend, which I have for the most part (really I have).
I know that there have to be other factors affecting my mental mood swings, I am on meds for the depression (daily) and anxiety (as needed) and I finally get to go see a psychiatrist to get a better handle on the meds angle. I know I should be happy and I don't know why I'm not. I love my husband and my daughter and would not want to leave them, not permanently at least. I have wondered if just getting away for a little while (week or so) would be good for me. Not having to worry about anything except getting my own head on straight again, figuring out what is truly important to me and maybe even what I want out of life and the relationships that I have and that I want. Even thought about a mental retreat place or something once or twice (even before this whole Elric thing started).
Unfortunately the one place that I'd want to go, where I'd feel most comfortable and have someplace to be able to feel "at home" and safe for any stretch of time is 400 miles away. And that safe place used to be my "backyard"...Elric and I grew up 1 block from each other and he is currently staying at his parents house again until he saves up enough cash to get his own place again. See any problem here? Although, it would give us a better chance of sitting down and hashing out all these issues between us.
All in all, I am ready to be just a friend with Elric, but I feel I need some assurances from him that we are still friends, more so than I've been getting. Is it fair of me to ask and how can I without sounding like some obsessed ex-girlfriend. lol Ok, I am NOT an obsessed crazy ex-girlfriend! I'm just a loving friend with some doubts and insecurity issues right now and could use a little pick me up from said friend.
Sometimes, I think telepathic empathy would be nice, the ability to know when someone is thinking about you and what emotions they are feeling no matter how far away they may be. Not actual thoughts, but just whether they are feeling happy, positive thoughts or negative, annoyed thoughts, etc.
Anyways, Thanks for the input Mark. You are correct, it is not healthy and I am working on it along with a dozen other things at the same time. heh, I am good at multi-tasking, but this time I may have too much on my plate.
Not offended at all. It actually has come up frequently lately in my counseling sessions. My husband and I are seeing a couples counselor for my libido issues (which are back to the low end again, surprise surprise) and I am seeing a psychologist for my depression and anxiety issues.
The problems I have, like last night, seem to come in cycles over the week. For the first few days after I talk to him, I'm fine. When he pops in my brain, it's more of just as a friend. Wishing we could hang out as friends instead of only online (400 miles still sucks but for different reasons now). Around day 4-5 of not talking to him, I start to get anxious, maybe he doesn't want to talk to me, maybe he is afraid of something (bad van making another appearance for example). Then by day 5-6 I'm a mess thinking that I royally messed up any chance of us having a friendship etc... then I talk to him again and I start feeling a little better again.
My inner Freud thinks that it has a lot to do with the fact that for 2+ months straight we talked almost every night. Now it has suddenly (with reason I suppose) dropped to once a week. Maybe it's withdrawals, but it would have been nice to be weened off the conversations as opposed to just dropped. Cool down period or not. As bad as I feel about my part in the whole problem, I don't think it's fair to me. I am the one with the broken heart and all, I am the one who has to accept him as just a friend, which I have for the most part (really I have).
I know that there have to be other factors affecting my mental mood swings, I am on meds for the depression (daily) and anxiety (as needed) and I finally get to go see a psychiatrist to get a better handle on the meds angle. I know I should be happy and I don't know why I'm not. I love my husband and my daughter and would not want to leave them, not permanently at least. I have wondered if just getting away for a little while (week or so) would be good for me. Not having to worry about anything except getting my own head on straight again, figuring out what is truly important to me and maybe even what I want out of life and the relationships that I have and that I want. Even thought about a mental retreat place or something once or twice (even before this whole Elric thing started).
Unfortunately the one place that I'd want to go, where I'd feel most comfortable and have someplace to be able to feel "at home" and safe for any stretch of time is 400 miles away. And that safe place used to be my "backyard"...Elric and I grew up 1 block from each other and he is currently staying at his parents house again until he saves up enough cash to get his own place again. See any problem here? Although, it would give us a better chance of sitting down and hashing out all these issues between us.
All in all, I am ready to be just a friend with Elric, but I feel I need some assurances from him that we are still friends, more so than I've been getting. Is it fair of me to ask and how can I without sounding like some obsessed ex-girlfriend. lol Ok, I am NOT an obsessed crazy ex-girlfriend! I'm just a loving friend with some doubts and insecurity issues right now and could use a little pick me up from said friend.
Sometimes, I think telepathic empathy would be nice, the ability to know when someone is thinking about you and what emotions they are feeling no matter how far away they may be. Not actual thoughts, but just whether they are feeling happy, positive thoughts or negative, annoyed thoughts, etc.
Anyways, Thanks for the input Mark. You are correct, it is not healthy and I am working on it along with a dozen other things at the same time. heh, I am good at multi-tasking, but this time I may have too much on my plate.
A broken heart is a broken heart, no matter what else we have in our lives to pick us up. But, it is unhealthy to be almost obsessed over a person, for whatever reason. I hope this doesn't come to hurt your relationship with your husband. That being said, Elric had a big shock from you. Maybe he is still just adjusting to the new information he has about you. Maybe he is afraid the "bad" van will come back. Maybe he's just been really really busy. But you can't know unless he wants to share what he's thinking with you. And if he doesn't, you may drive him further away by pressing the issue.
Keep working on yourself. I'm glad to hear you are. I wish you a mended heart and a more relaxed mind soon. <3
Keep working on yourself. I'm glad to hear you are. I wish you a mended heart and a more relaxed mind soon. <3
redpepper
Active member
I'm sure he just needs time to come down from it all, find his own normalcy again and then either contact you again or move forward with something else. It is so great you are leaving him to do this. You might never get what you want, but as I said before, your thinking about him will dissipate with time.
Going from every day to once a week is like coming off of any addiction. You are jonesing my friend... go with what I learned on Opera (about food addictions anyway,,, it might translate). The addictions drive only lasts 15 minutes... if you can get through that you may be able to stop yourself from IMing.
Otherwise, you always have us to write too we love you
Going from every day to once a week is like coming off of any addiction. You are jonesing my friend... go with what I learned on Opera (about food addictions anyway,,, it might translate
). The addictions drive only lasts 15 minutes... if you can get through that you may be able to stop yourself from IMing.Otherwise, you always have us to write too
we love you
vandalin
New member
Talked to him a bit tonight (yeah I initiated). I also happened to make a comment to him that I didn't think he would get as it showed him logging off...well he did get it. "I never know if you want to chat with me or not, ya know that?" Oops, but a good oops at that. He confirmed that he does want to chat with me and he also admitted to missing our chats, it's just unfortunate that our chats normally happen late night when he is now trying to go to bed like a responsible adult. Our old chatting would go from 11pm until 2-3 am and now that he's got a decent job and trying to keep it, those hours don't work too well. I think next time we chat I'll ask him how he keeps in touch with his other friends, if it's by email I'm screwed! I'm still waiting for an email he promised me back in June!
So between time and other things needing to get done or our mutual FB gaming addiction, I am understanding. I think I just need bi-weekly doses of Elric. lol I was actually feeling a lot better this afternoon before talking to him, so maybe this weekend's break down had more to do with my insane hormones and depression related than actually to do with him.
Like I mentioned in my last post, I don't have a problem with him popping up in my head once in a while, especially when it is in a "friends only" context and frequency, it's just when I'm trying to concentrate on other things or, let's say, trying to get it on with the hubby and he pops in my brain...that is just not a good time!
We are supposed to be seeing each other again Labor Day weekend. We are all meeting up at Bristol Ren Faire (WI) and I told him (a few times) to ask his buddies and friends to come with if he wants. We (being Cajun, baby, Ma and I) have at least one person tentatively joining us from MN and I figured that having some of his own friends around would help him feel more comfortable if needed. It's a nice social gathering where we can just have fun... and flirt -- friendly-like of course.
Tonight, or maybe it's most nights when I talk to him, I feel good about our friendship and that, yes, we can do this. I feel confident that we are back on the right track and things are moving forward. He really does bring out the best and the worst in me. lol
Can you tell I'm in better spirits tonight?
Thanks everyone for the encouragement and gentle warnings. I do take them into consideration as they are things I have pondered myself. But for now, I bid thee goodnight and safe dreams!
PS. I'm wondering if there is any way to move majority of this thread to the Blog/Life Stories Area as this really isn't about New To anymore if the mods feel it is necessary.
I think next time we chat I'll ask him how he keeps in touch with his other friends, if it's by email I'm screwed! I'm still waiting for an email he promised me back in June! So between time and other things needing to get done or our mutual FB gaming addiction, I am understanding. I think I just need bi-weekly doses of Elric. lol I was actually feeling a lot better this afternoon before talking to him, so maybe this weekend's break down had more to do with my insane hormones and depression related than actually to do with him.
Like I mentioned in my last post, I don't have a problem with him popping up in my head once in a while, especially when it is in a "friends only" context and frequency, it's just when I'm trying to concentrate on other things or, let's say, trying to get it on with the hubby and he pops in my brain...that is just not a good time!
We are supposed to be seeing each other again Labor Day weekend. We are all meeting up at Bristol Ren Faire (WI) and I told him (a few times) to ask his buddies and friends to come with if he wants. We (being Cajun, baby, Ma and I) have at least one person tentatively joining us from MN and I figured that having some of his own friends around would help him feel more comfortable if needed. It's a nice social gathering where we can just have fun... and flirt -- friendly-like of course.
Tonight, or maybe it's most nights when I talk to him, I feel good about our friendship and that, yes, we can do this. I feel confident that we are back on the right track and things are moving forward. He really does bring out the best and the worst in me. lol
Can you tell I'm in better spirits tonight?
Thanks everyone for the encouragement and gentle warnings. I do take them into consideration as they are things I have pondered myself. But for now, I bid thee goodnight and safe dreams!
PS. I'm wondering if there is any way to move majority of this thread to the Blog/Life Stories Area as this really isn't about New To anymore if the mods feel it is necessary.
redpepper
Active member
Ah HA! there was a good reason....! makes total sense to me!
you do seem more content V.... I noticed right away...
see you in a week when we do it all over again... heehee, just teasing....
sounds like you are off to a good start again. One that is more healthy all around.
vandalin
New member
Gosh I hope not! I have a big date with hubby next Saturday. We are going to see a midnight screening of Aliens (theatrical release unfortunately). Nothing would spoil that! lol
Nah, I just have to keep the reins held tight on that wretched Devils Advocate when he starts going off on me again. Giving him his head is a really really bad idea and means I'll be taking my Ativan again.
vandalin
New member
Things are going much better. We have been chatting a bit more and he has actually initiated twice in the last four days. He even started talking to me about more personal things again which made me feel good that he is trusting me enough to do that again.
It's amazing how time seems so slow when it's happening and painful, yet it seems like only yesterday that I saw him last and we had those very difficult conversations. And it will be in just over a week that we all will be together again. As friends.
He even started talking to me about more personal things again which made me feel good that he is trusting me enough to do that again.It's amazing how time seems so slow when it's happening and painful, yet it seems like only yesterday that I saw him last and we had those very difficult conversations. And it will be in just over a week that we all will be together again.
As friends.