Long term relationship...monogamy not working?

J

Jenniferk94

New member
Hi everyone,
This is my first time using this website so please be kind.
I'm a 20yr old female whose been in a serious relationship for almost 4 years now with a man I love dearly. Previous to this I had been in a relationship through high school with a guy for a year and a bit. Through both of these relationships I have struggled with monogamy and lived with guilt every single day that something is wrong with me and I've had enough.

I am one of those lucky (sarcastic) females that can only orgasm through help of vibrators etc, so that in itself makes sex difficult....or a little more hard work than what it does for most. My partner has only had sex with two females (including me) so whilst he is good in the bedroom and we have improved with eachother over the course of our relationship....he still lacks that confidence and dominance that I crave in the bedroom.

I have taken breaks from our relationship purely to sleep with other men, which I hate myself for doing, trust me, but I felt like it had to be done. I thought maybe if I just got it out of my system once (okay more like 5 times) with someone else then maybe I would be happy and more content, and it worked....for a while, but a year later were back to square one and I'm emotionally cheating again. I have discussed an open relationship with him and he flat out refused and even broke down in tears over the thought of it...so now I'm unsure where that leaves us.

I love this man to death, I really do want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I really don't know if I can do that whilst being monogamous. It's easy enough for an outsider to say 'well if you're not happy and satisfied, then leave!', but it's more than that, I've invested 4 years of my life to this, and I'm in love with him.....I just want to have sex with other people, nothing more.

Any advice....anyone been in this situation? Am I doomed? I'm sick of feeling like an unfaithful whore and like something is wrong with me so maybe I'm just seeking comfort in the fact that I'm not alone....I don't know :(
 
Jenniferk94 said:
Hi everyone,
This is my first time using this website so please be kind.
I'm a 20yr old female whose been in a serious relationship for almost 4 years now with a man I love dearly. Previous to this I had been in a relationship through high school with a guy for a year and a bit. Through both of these relationships I have struggled with monogamy and lived with guilt every single day that something is wrong with me and I've had enough.

I am one of those lucky (sarcastic) females that can only orgasm through help of vibrators etc, so that in itself makes sex difficult....or a little more hard work than what it does for most. My partner has only had sex with two females (including me) so whilst he is good in the bedroom and we have improved with eachother over the course of our relationship....he still lacks that confidence and dominance that I crave in the bedroom.

I have taken breaks from our relationship purely to sleep with other men, which I hate myself for doing, trust me, but I felt like it had to be done. I thought maybe if I just got it out of my system once (okay more like 5 times) with someone else then maybe I would be happy and more content, and it worked....for a while, but a year later were back to square one and I'm emotionally cheating again. I have discussed an open relationship with him and he flat out refused and even broke down in tears over the thought of it...so now I'm unsure where that leaves us.

I love this man to death, I really do want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I really don't know if I can do that whilst being monogamous. It's easy enough for an outsider to say 'well if you're not happy and satisfied, then leave!', but it's more than that, I've invested 4 years of my life to this, and I'm in love with him.....I just want to have sex with other people, nothing more.

Any advice....anyone been in this situation? Am I doomed? I'm sick of feeling like an unfaithful whore and like something is wrong with me so maybe I'm just seeking comfort in the fact that I'm not alone....I don't know :(
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It sounds like you need a partner who you are more sexually compatible with. I wouldn't necessarily conflate that with the desire to be poly. Eg. How do you feel about your beloved boyfriend having sex and/or emotional intimacy with others.
 
And you may roll your eyes at this, but you are only 20 and started your relationship with this guy at 16. People change and grow, often in different directions, especially at that age. Been there, done that.
 
I wouldn't roll my eyes, you're totally right, we're young and we have a lot of growing up to do but I'd appreciate if everyone put our age aside when considering the situation that I've explained...right now our relationship is great and I don't have an issue with our relationship as such besides our different approach to sex...but is that worth giving up a great relationship for? And besides, whose to say that even if I DID sometime in the future find my perfect match sexually, that I wouldn't want to have sex with other people too? I think sex is different with everyone and I enjoy the different types of sex, the different type of people and passion that you have with every individual. I personally don't think this is a case of just finding someone who matches my sexual needs and then I can be happily monogamous forever..
 
Jenniferk94 said:
I wouldn't roll my eyes, you're totally right, we're young and we have a lot of growing up to do but I'd appreciate if everyone put our age aside when considering the situation that I've explained...
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Certainly...I won't say age is irrelevant, but people can arrive at a crossroads at any point of their life.

right now our relationship is great and I don't have an issue with our relationship as such besides our different approach to sex...but is that worth giving up a great relationship for?
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That depends. Personally, I feel sex is an important part of a relationship. I get the impression you do as well. Enjoying sex seems important to you as well. It's been important enough for you to put your great relationship on hold to pursue other partners.

And besides, whose to say that even if I DID sometime in the future find my perfect match sexually, that I wouldn't want to have sex with other people too? I think sex is different with everyone and I enjoy the different types of sex, the different type of people and passion that you have with every individual. I personally don't think this is a case of just finding someone who matches my sexual needs and then I can be happily monogamous forever..
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I totally agree. I've never been truly happy in a monogamous relationship, even ones where we were sexually compatible. I've also been in relationships with women who did not share my kinks. Even though the sex might have been good, there was always something missing.

So what are your options at this point? You can continue on and hope for the best. Chances are you will not be happy. You can try and convince your guy to allow you to have other partners. In my experience trying to convert someone into something they are not rarely works out well. I suppose cheating is an option, but not a good one either. Or you could leave him, which would hurt you both at first, but might be best in the long run.
 
I was in a similar boat when I was young—always liking more than one guy, always tempted to cheat (and sometimes even giving in)—and my desire for nonmonogamy only grew stronger with age. I would suggest the possibility that poly IS right for you, but you will likely have to leave your current partner and start over with someone(s) else, putting the poly card on the table right up front.

Even if you can convince your current partner to try it, it is likely that he would only be doing so out of fear of losing you and not because he actually wants to. It can be more painful to be in a poly situation unwillingly than to just get a clean break. If one of you is monogamous and the other nonmonogamous, and the monogamous person isn't cool with the poly person taking on additional partners, that is just a basic incompatibility that might not be able to be overcome.

My last serious relationship before committing to figuring poly out ended for this same reason. I loved the guy enough to TRY monogamy with him, even though I had never been successful with it before. It worked...for about three years. At that point I started to feel the itch for variety and brought the issue to the table with him. It resulted in a painful breakup, but I am MUCH happier now, engaged to a fellow poly person and knowing that I NEVER have to feel like an "unfaithful whore" again. Our agreements make cheating basically impossible, as we have no hard limits other than safer sex with other partners.
 
Jenniferk94 said:
I wouldn't roll my eyes, you're totally right, we're young and we have a lot of growing up to do but I'd appreciate if everyone put our age aside when considering the situation that I've explained...right now our relationship is great and I don't have an issue with our relationship as such besides our different approach to sex...but is that worth giving up a great relationship for? And besides, whose to say that even if I DID sometime in the future find my perfect match sexually, that I wouldn't want to have sex with other people too? I think sex is different with everyone and I enjoy the different types of sex, the different type of people and passion that you have with every individual. I personally don't think this is a case of just finding someone who matches my sexual needs and then I can be happily monogamous forever..
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In some ways, you have to understand that you're in a very privileged position here. Unlike a lot of us, you are basically starting your adult life with the knowledge that there are several valid relationship styles, not just one, ie monogamy. Some of what sounds like people saying "you need to grow up" or similar is actually more about people living vicariously through you and being able to have more choice than they had at a similar age. Anyway, moving on with that in mind, you are absolutely right - you might just be poly and this is why you have experienced these struggles. However, and this goes back to my initial post on this thread: it all seems to be about your desires for additional partners. And from experience, those who tend not to naturally consider the other side of accepting your partner having other relationships struggle greatly when they are faced with the reality of it.

When you are non-monogamous, and I say non-mono rather than poly because this issue is relevant for everyone on the non-monogamous spectrum, (Even swingers who only "play" as a couple with others) you have to deal with your partner also being physically and/or sexually intimate with others. Going back to the "couple swingers", they have to deal with the high possibility the person they are swinging with will have a better connection with their partner than them. Or watching their partner have a really good time with one half of a couple whilst the connection whilst it's mediocre between them and the other half. Then, one half of the couple wants to have some experiences alone because they are becoming frustrated with the restrictions "couple swinging" puts on their potential opportunities. Or, they want to start seeing people outside of swinging environments.

Okay, you might want to limit the emotional intimacy with others, but that can be challenging to restrict something as fluid as your emotions when you are intimate with others. Okay, you can make a rule to prevent that too: say you can only hook up with someone once. But then you find it a lot easier to find guys up for that arrangement but your partner has to be either dishonest or go a long time between "hook-ups" as women are usually less inclined to accept that proposal. It's easy to become resentful.

Then, one of you meet someone who you just can't see that one time. They break some of those agreements, sort of cheat, but come clean before it goes all the way to a fully-fledged affair. They don't think the rule makes sense any more, they want to change the agreement.

Alright, you bite the bullet and have no restrictions on emotional or physical intimacy with others, and now, the tables turn and you're finding it a lot harder to find guys who are up for a serious relationship knowing you have a boyfriend who you are building a future with. A "primary" if you like that word. Your partner has found a solid relationship with someone long distance, or someone married, who was only seeking a "secondary" relationship but they are all loved up and committed to each other. It's easy to become resentful.

Vinsanity hit the nail on the head regarding whether the sexual incompatibility is a "big deal" or not. Only you can answer whether you'd be here if you had a 10/10 sex life with your current partner. I'd say that's pretty key to discovering whether you're non-monogamous or discontent. Have you ever had a truly fulfilling sex life?
 
I am sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok? :eek:

Investing the four years from 16 years old to 20 years is a lot. It is also at a time of life where you are doing a lot of growing and finding yourself. I am not putting you down or anything like that because of your age. I'm just saying that life is really long.

And YES -- any of these are good reasons to allow a relationship shape to change over the course of your life:

  • You are unhappy in this relationship shape. Rather than let it change, you are trying to convince yourself to stay/that you are not THAT unhappy.
  • You wanting more freedom to explore. A Closed relationship does not allow you that. Rather than examine the relationship shape as being a wrong fit for you, you are calling yourself names like YOU are somehow broken and your desires are "wrong."
  • You want non-monogamy. He wants monogamy. This is a relationship shape incompatibility.
  • Sexual incompatibility. You want more dominance/variety than you can find in this one partner. You are incompatible sexually.

You do not have to stay here feeling "meh" for another four years or more so it is "even good and bad" or "more bad than good" before giving yourself permission to end the romance part. You can decide to let it end at any time. Guard against sunk cost fallacy.

I don't have an issue with our relationship as such besides our different approach to sex...but is that worth giving up a great relationship for?
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Yes. Because life is long. Sex is a reason to let an incompatible romance end and let it become a friendship where sex is off the table.

Sex, money, kids, career, and division of labor at home for chores are some of the major topics incompatible couples fight about. Rather than dwell on the incompatible, it seems healthier to me for you to choose to accept it and focus on what IS compatible here -- a strong friendship. And spend time investing in that rather than continuing to invest in the part that won't fly or spend time beating yourself up.

Why are you unwilling to keep on loving him in a new relationship shape? What is blocking you?

He doesn't want an open relationship. If you love yourself and him -- you could set you both free from the romance part that does not fit. You could spend the rest of your life with him in a relationship shape that DOES work and fit -- as very close friends.

You could be willing to be more flexible. Over a life time many of your relationships will evolve, ebb and flow in shape. IME, that's how they get to be lifelong -- you give them space to breathe and evolve along with you rather than trying to stuff a relationship into a certain box.

Nothing is "wrong" with you. You are learning your adult preferences for relationships. You are not an "unfaithful whore" because you took breaks from the relationship. What's this business of calling yourself names? Being your own bully? You could be free to have sex with other people without any feelings of cheating and be able to find romance with a person who also wants non-monogamy by letting this relationship change shape.

The problem that I see is taking breaks and getting back together with the BF rather than staying broken up. What makes it hard to stay broken up? Do you have strong boundaries?

I wonder if deep down you know you have to break up in order for things to be healthy here? And you don't like it? And are struggling with anticipatory grief? :(

Galagirl
 
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Hi, welcome to the board, Jennifer. I will share my experience in case it helps you.

I was in your shoes at 19. Kind of. I'd been dating boys, having sex, having a couple FF experiences, since I was 16. By the time I was 19, I'd had 11 lovers, some serious, some casual. I was jaded and felt like I'd been through too many boys/men who were jerks. Dating is hard.

So, I met my future husband, after a summer of dating/fucking 3 or 4 guys simultaneously. He was better, nicer, had more in common with me, than all the others put together. One of those guys though, I did care about a lot, we'd been FWBs for 2 years, and I really hurt him when I told him we had to be done. Actually, while I loved him as a friend, he was in love with me. But I had to let him go, since my new bf needed me to be mono with him almost from the start. And I made that commitment.

It was fine until the newness wore off. I continued to love the hell out of my guy, but he had low self esteem. It really threatened him to think of having to share me. So I stayed mono for him, but I always had a roving eye, and never felt complete. I stuck it out, and we were married when I was 22.

I, like you, always felt like an evil whore. And I think my husband felt I was too. He was good, I was bad. He was always watching me, and I always felt wrong or judged. I tried to hide my crushes to avoid hurting him, but he always knew. I was always crushing on someone, a friend, a neighbor, or a celebrity I would fantasize about. I never cheated.

Somehow we made it work for over 30 years! Then, finally finally I let myself admit we'd never really been right for each other 100%. And we'd also grown apart in other areas.

We split, then divorced. And while I had lots of fun and fulfillment with my ex, and 3 kids, there was always something missing, and a huge elephant in the room causing a wedge, a lack of trust and intimacy between my ex and me. I am now 100% fulfilled in my poly life, instead of only 60% fulfilled, with a poly gf primary, and her total support of my need for variety and to spread my love around (and spread my legs :p ).

I don't spend time on regrets. I am making the most of starting over at 54 (I am now 60), and I have had so many fantastic experiences and learned so much about life, and about myself and my potential, since I did the right thing by myself in taking the risk and letting go of the "investment in time" with my ex.
 
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You are saying you want sex with others, but also seem to be saying that you don't necessarily want more than that - at least not at this time, and you are not necessarily looking for a poly relationship.

It seems like you may want an open relationship. What does your bf want - have you discussed this? If you get what you want, you know he may well do the same? If you want the sex with others, and are willing and open to him also having sex with others, perhaps doing this together is the best option, in which case swinging may fit the situation.
 
central said:
It seems like you may want an open relationship. What does your bf want - have you discussed this?
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Jenniferk94 said:
I have discussed an open relationship with him and he flat out refused and even broke down in tears over the thought of it...so now I'm unsure where that leaves us.
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An open relationship isn't an option here, folks. All of the caveats are kinda moot. He is strictly mono.



Jennifer, when you say that you want to be with him for the rest of your life, consider this: "The rest of your life" is likely to be 80 years. While that's inconceivable to you now, 80 years is a very long time. None of us here knows how long that really feels, but us older folks (I'm 54) can tell you that a marriage or committed partnership with a sexually mis-matched partner is like swimming upstream - every day. I love my husband to pieces, but we're sexually so different. The marriage worked as long as I was able to stifle much of my sexual energy, which I did for many years because I was so damn fearful of getting hurt again in the single life and because getting married was the only way I could see of having a family,which I very much wanted. But stifling my sexual energy cut off so many other vital aspects as well. My creativity suffered. My spontaneity dwindled. My weight soared. After 15 years of marriage (with a very unsatisfying sex life) I realized that the pain of reigning myself in had come to far outweigh my dormant fears of being hurt. Marriage allows you to put some issues underground and it can work - for awhile. But a basic sexual mismatch is one of those "elephant in the room" issues that will bubble up again eventually, no matter how many wonderful distractions (kids) and no matter how beautiful the foundational friendship. 80 years is a loooong time. I made it to 15 and I've learned a lot from having cut myself off from my full sexuality. One thing I've learned is that nothing is worth giving it up for. Nothing.
 
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Hi Jenniferk94,

Re (from OP):
"I have discussed an open relationship with him and he flat out refused and even broke down in tears over the thought of it ..."
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Okay, I am going to go against the grain and try to work with your feeling that you do not want to leave him, that you're not going to leave him (at least that's how you feel).

Re:
"It's easy enough for an outsider to say, 'Well if you're not happy and satisfied, then leave!' but it's more than that, I've invested four years of my life into this, and I'm in love with him ... I just want to have sex with other people, nothing more."
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You seem to me to be quite sure that multiple partners is a must for you, every bit as requisite as is staying with this man (as a romantic partner). If that's true, then your only option is to stay with him and continue to have discussions with him about an open relationship. Even if he flat out refuses every time. Even if he breaks down in tears over the thought of it every time. You will need to be relentless, and bring the subject up with him, again and again. Remember, multiple partners is a must for you. You can't just drop it.

I am sorry that I can't think of any words you can use to convince him. The most you can do is be honest and say, "This is something I have to have. Please." But consider this. He may be just as hardwired for exclusive monogamous living as you are for nonmonogamous living. Isn't that possible? What do you do if that is the case?

You have spent four years with this man, but you don't lose those years if you leave him. You have many good memories of your life with him, and you won't lose them. On the other hand, you have many decades of life still ahead of you. How do you want to spend those decades? Do you become more and more cemented to this man, the longer you stay with him? Is that good for both (or either) of you?

And like GalaGirl was saying, you could come out of this with a rich, close friendship intact.

Well, I promised I wasn't going to go there, so I'll stop. I guess my point is, look at each of your options and consider all the possibilities.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
From what you've said, I don't think you'd be able to stay with him, monogamously, long-term, and be happy. And it sounds like you know that too. I agree with others that you might eventually have to break up with him, but I can also see that you'd really prefer not to do that.

As well as all of the excellent advice in this thread, I would suggest talking to him about your feelings a second time, after he's had some time to think about nonmonogamy. You said that you've discussed an open relationship and he refused, but I think that shock and hurt is not a crazy first reaction for someone who has never thought of nonmonogamy to have. It probably sent him right into a fear-based insecure place. That isn't a good place to have a rational conversation from.

If I was in your shoes, I would have another or possibly a series of conversations with him. Just because he breaks down into tears is not a reason to end the conversation. He is going to have a lot of concerns, and they are probably going to be based out of his own fear and insecurities. You'll probably have to reassure him a lot that this is just the way you are wired, and it doesn't actually have to do with him being inadequate in some way. Asking him to read some sex-positive and poly-friendly reading material might help.

In the end, you can't make him accept polyamory, an open relationship, swinging, or whatever it is you need. But if you love him, I do think it's worth at least a few more conversational gambits before you throw in the towel. Find out what he's afraid of, and think up what you can do to combat that.

Finally, I don't think you should be down on yourself for breaking up with him to sleep with other people. You did what you needed to do, and you didn't even break unspoken societal rules to do it. The result was that you were, in your own words, happier and more content. You aren't a horrible person for enjoying sex and you shouldn't hate yourself.
 
Jenniferk94 said:
My partner has only had sex with two females (including me) so whilst he is good in the bedroom and we have improved with eachother over the course of our relationship....he still lacks that confidence and dominance that I crave in the bedroom.
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Hi,
I think what everyone is writing is good, I just wanted to suggest one more think to think about. Would you both perhaps be willing to learn about sexuality? Would your partner visit a workshop, a kinky one if that is your thing, or tantra perhaps?
In my experience those things are fun, and the exploration together can be an adventure. It can also help both to improve yours and his own knowledge of yourself, it might give him role models of how dominance looks like, and being around open people might even help become more comfortable with, perhaps not intercourse but at least some intimacy with others.
I think it is important though to go there openminded to see what happens and for the sake of having quality time together, not with the goal to "save your relationship" or perhaps "change his orientation".
 
Tinwen said:
I think it is important though to go there openminded to see what happens and for the sake of having quality time together, not with the goal to "save your relationship" or perhaps "change his orientation".
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Going to workshops can be so rewarding to a couple, i agree. All the same, if she is "craving dominance" and he is not into kink in any way, that's an enormous mismatch that will drive a wedge in a monogamous relationship no matter what. Wild horses couldn't drag me into dominating or submitting to anyone, much as I've been "encouraged." My sexuality is nowhere near kink and that's true for most of the population. If the OP has a need for kink, then there's no substitute for having partners who feel the same driving need. At 20, it's kind of hard to see how these drives actually do drive us and we think that love will conquer all differences.
 
It sounds to me like crying at your confession of being poly was an initial and understandable reaction. Time will tell if he is truly against poly, once he's had a chance to wrap his head around the idea, and read some stuff about it, if he is willing.

I just want to add a caveat. You may think you "just want sex" with others, with no emotional entanglements. This may be true, some women and men are just polysexual, but not polyamorous. But there is a chance you could find yourself falling for a lover, if you and your bf ever negotiated that. It's very bad to make a rule: "You can fuck others, but no falling in love!" We see that happen all the time here. So, if you do continue negotiating poly with your bf, be careful not to promise him that you'll never fall in love. Love happens sometimes.
 
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