Longterm trials

G

Glaucus

New member
I've been with my partner for nearly 4 years, and we've been living together for half of that. We ventured into polyamory very early into the relationship, and started non-monogamy with a 'primary' model initially, very nearly going the route of unicorn hunters before adjusting to a more egalitarian model. He's had a very active love life, meanwhile mine's been sputtering along at a slower pace.

My boyfriend gets very insecure about my other partners, and my sex life. He's quick to address it with me, and we talk it out and he asks for a lot of reassurance of my affection from him. Sometimes, this annoys or even exhausts me. If I've made dinner for another partner, he asks for a home cooked meal of his own, if I've gone to the beach, he wants me to take a trip with him to the beach, etc. Sort of like I have to recreate the date again for him later, and it tends to feel like a chore. And he pries much too deeply into questions about sex with other partners. I wouldn't be particularly annoyed if it were simply questions that related to safety and protection, but when it's about positions and orgasms I don't feel comfortable sharing that on behalf of my other partner. Just as i don't feel comfortable hearing too many intimate details about my metamours' sex lives.

Though there is a bit of a deeper issue. He worries that I don't find him sexually attractive any more... and though it fills me with guilt to admit it, I don't. I have lost sexual interest in him. We still have sex on occasion, though half is my giving in to him, the other half out of a sense of obligation. I don't have him bother trying to bring me to orgasm anymore. On my part it's a passionless task. My libido is prone to fluctuation, but I still have sexual interest in other partners. Too, he's been exploring kinks - a habit I always encourage - which turn me off to him sexually, even though he doesn't practice them with me, and logically I see nothing remotely wrong with them.

I adore every other aspect of our relationship. I love him dearly and think we make a wonderful dynamic. But I don't know how to confront him about this without shattering him, and I don't know what solution I could offer to soften the blow.
 
I guess if being together feels like a chore, there is no sex appeal... you could try setting boundaries on that first. Something like "I won't imitate my dates with other partners with you, for you are a different person then them. Let's do... instead." Just do something you both enjoy, preferably some of the activities that got you together in the first place, perhaps something you don't do with other partners.
 
Following this post, because my meta is a lot like your partner. It doesn't seem to annoy our mutual partner much, but I worry about it a bit, mostly because I feel like I can't have anything with my partner without her either feeling left out or jealous and wanting the same thing. I'm trying to let it be though and just focus on my relationship and let partner deal with it however he thinks is best.

I admit I struggled with that for a while; comparing too much is a problem and made me a not great person (at least I didn't FEEL great). Now I'm able to listen to whatever my partner is willing to share without that knee jerk reaction and it's much better and my partner has noticed.

While I think reassuring partners is good, there's a point where THEY have to do the work. I think it is up to you whether or not you want to try and work on this with your partner; lost feeling can com back when your relationship with him doesn't feel like such a chore. I would explain to him how you feel and that you are worried about the relationship feeling like more of an obligation than a natural, organic thing because it is constantly reflecting your other relationships. Tell him you love him but you want to love him the way HE is not the way you love your other partners, because what you have with him is and should be unique. I think maybe reminding him he is special may help you ease him into talking more about how he can work on his jealousy?
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I wonder if you aren't into him any more, he realizes it, and neither of you talk about it honestly? You avoid it and are cool and distant. And he responds to that by going all "clingy" wanting proof that you still like him with all the copycat dates and sex and stuff. Which turns you off.

If so? I think being more honest and more assertive could help. Instead of avoiding having to deal with it, just deal with it head on.

  • I think you could tell him "no" when he wants you to recreate dates. Have your own dates together, not copycat the other ones.

  • I think you could tell him "no" when he asks for TMI sex info. Basics on sex practices so he can maintain his own healthy hygiene is fair. But TMI details is invading privacy.

  • I think you could stop sharing "meh" sex with him. Rather than sharing sex with him half because you give in and half because you feel obligated. You do not "owe" anyone sex.

I also think you could tell him "I don't find you sexually attractive"
  • If you think it is permanent, add that.
  • If you think it is something you could revive -- list what you would like. Hearing less about his kinks for instance since they turn you off. If you think it is a medical thing -- get a check up and hormone panel. Ask for patience.
  • If it is that you think that you work better as friends rather than lovers? Say that. Be honest.

You don't have to be mean about it, just honest and simple. How he takes it? That's up to him.

I think the common thread through these various issues with him is that you could improve your communication so you are more honest and up front. Let the chips fall where they may. Set your boundaries.

What blocks you from being willing to give an "honest no?"
  • Does he act out if he gets a no?
  • You feel responsible for his feelings?
  • Something else?

Galagirl
 
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Let the poor guy go. Everything you says screams that you just aren't into him even though you try to backpedal at the end a say that your relationship is good. He's feeling insecure in the relationship because you are showing him he should be insecure. You think he can't tell that you're not into the sex anymore? You think he can't tell that you treat it like a chore and only give in when he begs? Now contrast that with other people you may be with. Would you stick around if the sex was that passionless?
 
Everything you says screams that you just aren't into him even though you try to backpedal at the end a say that your relationship is good.
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I have to disagree here; I have had a few times in my long term relationship where my partner felt his attraction wane, even though our relationship was really good in most ways. It is definitely something that happens and not feeling attracted to your partner much can be a temporary thing due to many factors like stress, or getting too comfortable, or when your partner starts to exhibit certain behaviours that bother you. 90% of the time it can be something that can be worked through; we have worked through this kind of thing a few times over the span of 12 years. Passion in the long term isn't always something that just happens; you have to light the spark and fan the flames to keep it going.
 
Glaucus thank you for writing this thread.
I for one appreciate your honesty with the forum because there are many out there that have experienced this /picked up these same vibes....and were told we were insecure or jealous. And whether it's someone caught up in NRE or because of someone's new and....( better ) experiences generate preferences.



When I posted more frequently I use to warn / advise new members that the poly relationship model was full contact sport.....so " how to confront him without shattering him " ....I suggest a jock with a cup....maybe a helmet.

Seriously ....IMO it's worse to lie or shade or try to spin his questions on your words or behavior. And lastly if roles were reversed wouldn't you want to know if someone was having pity / obligation sex with you because they weren't sexually attracted to you.? Literally do unto others :D

If your too chicken to directly tell him why not send him the link to this thread....that will start the conversation.


Who's idea was it for being open in the first place. The only reason I ask because if it was him ......he must have known this is one of the downsides.

Good luck ...keep us posted.
 
Hi Glaucus,

Do you know what's caused your sexual attraction for your partner to go away? Is it because of stuff he does? such as making you imitate your other dates with him? Is it a medical issue? It sounds like it's at least partly the kinks he's interested in. But then that doesn't make sense to you because you don't see anything wrong with the kinks technically.

Perhaps you have an aversion to those kinks that you weren't aware of? Is that a possibility worth exploring? What about the idea of seeing a sex therapist? Maybe they could help you get to the bottom of this.

If it's just something that just happened, for no particular reason, maybe that's a sign that your relationship with your partner has worn out its usefulness? or at least, the relationship needs to change, so that it no longer involves sex. Could you transition into being close friends?

Sorry about all the questions, I just thought maybe there'd be an idea in there somewhere that would help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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