Looking for a girlfriend for my partner (or a third for both of us)

K

kevinsgirl

New member
I have a wonderful partner who is really great in the sack. We live separate and don't get to see each other as much as we would like.

I have always had a thing about getting another girl for him to play with, but it is so hard to know when and how to ask people. Honestly, there is not someone here I would feel comfortable with asking. It is partly for him and partly for her...I love sharing, and he is a great gift from the Universe that I would love to share with someone who could appreciate it!

We live in rural WV, in the center of the state, and would love to meet people who would be interested in meeting us and conversing over dinner to see what we have in common.

We are both very gregarious, left-leaning, environmentalists who work to make life better in the Appalachian region.
 
I have always had a thing about getting another girl for him to play with, but it is so hard to know when and how to ask people.
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Are you like, pimping him out? I know I personally would not be excited over any guy who had his girlfriend approach me, instead of expressing interest himself. And if she described me as a plaything - no, hell no. Full stop.

My suggestion would be to have your boyfriend approach women by treating them like human beings with their own wants, needs, thoughts and emotions, rather than considering them to be mindless playthings that only exist for his (or your) pleasure.
 
On the off chance that this isn't kingofhearts/fetgirl back again...

Does your partner even want to date other women? Have you spoken to him? Why not let him find his own partner(s)? I'm really not sure why you need to be involved at all. If you're worried that anyone he meets will be put off by him being in a pre-existing relationship, and that your presence could somehow smooth that over for him, then I think you are mistaken. Yes, many single monogamous women will not be interested. The good news is, he shouldn't be interested in those women either, unless he's prepared for significant emotional and practical investment in his new relationship. If he meets someone non-monogamous and happy for both him and her to have multiple relationships, then she's likely to be highly unimpressed that he comes with a helicopter girlfriend interfering with their relationship from the very get go.

I think you need to be a little clearer in your own mind about what you want from an open relationship before you dive in. Do you want to date others? What if he's not interested in 'being shared'? Is that your only interest? If it is more of a fetishistic thing for you both, maybe you would find it easier and simple to start there, and seek information from communities interested in cuckoldry/cuckqueanry as a starting point. Good luck figuring it all out! :)
 
Hi kevinsgirl,

Is there a local poly group in your area? Try googling "polyamory" with the name of your state or nearest major city.

I hope you find the person you are looking for.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kevinsgirl said:
I have a wonderful partner who is really great in the sack. We live separate and don't get to see each other as much as we would like.

I have always had a thing about getting another girl for him to play with, but it is so hard to know when and how to ask people. Honestly, there is not someone here I would feel comfortable with asking. It is partly for him and partly for her...I love sharing, and he is a great gift from the Universe that I would love to share with someone who could appreciate it!

We live in rural WV, in the center of the state, and would love to meet people who would be interested in meeting us and conversing over dinner to see what we have in common.

We are both very gregarious, left-leaning, environmentalists who work to make life better in the Appalachian region.
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I think, as others have pointed out, you may be looking for swinging, not poly. That said, even in swinging circles, any man who is actually that good all that and a bag of chips hasn't ever, IMHO, needed his GF/Wife to go out and find him a partner. Those men who are really desirable and "good in the sack," have, whether mono or swingers, always had plenty of interested women; and, men who have their women tell everyone how awesome they are in bed are often a huge turn off (and I've literally never yet had a woman trying to get me to fuck her guy by telling me how awesome he is had the situation turn out that either 1) he's an arrogant ass, or 2) she and I don't find the same things hot or sexy. Or, sometimes, both). Let him find his own women, or join a swingers group and go look together, but refrain from extolling his virtuoso status. No one says "Hey, fuck my guy because he sucks in the sack," so platitudes about his prowess are pretty meaningless.
 
Wow

Well, I didn't expect that.

I will move myself to a more swinger-friendly spot.

To those who asked if HE wants to be "pimped out," well, yes, I did ask him. What kind of relationship would we have if I was doing this behind his back?

Sorry if the imagination just isn't here for it, but I stated clearly that I WANT to share him. We live in a rural area where we can't just go out and find other swingers, so saying that he should find his own is misguided. What difference does it make who saves it out, me out him? You might have inquired if we had tried that - yes, we have.

Thanks for the advice, but no thanks. If you aren't interested, you are welcome to move to another thread.
 
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The folks here are speaking from experience of polyamory.

I'll ask something...if you're so rural that he can't just go find his own, what makes you think you can do it for him?

Just wondering.

Honestly, I used to do this thing when I was younger, I'd go to a nightclub with a male partner (this was right before my ex and I got together as a solid item) and I would "hunt" women. I'd read people until I found a woman that I thought would be receptive, and I'd stalk her like David Bowie stalked Jennifer Connelly through that ballroom scene. Just there, with my eyes on her, all damn night. My judgment of targets was good, they were usually receptive. By the end of the night I'd be making out with them.

But I never wanted to take them home, because I rarely felt the right kind of connection with a woman to want to actually have sex with her, so I'd foist her off on my boyfriend or another of my male friends, if she was willing. She usually was. The men in my life at that time loved to go out with me. I did all the work for them!

It was a very fun and sexy exercise, and I enjoyed it at the time.

Now...not so much. I'm a little more enlightened and I have a much stronger dating pool, and I'm looking to connect on deeper levels than just casual play.

Honestly I'm not criticizing what you want or your approach in wanting it. You're unicorn hunters. Congrats. Join the club. You're a dime a dozen, and that's why the folks here responded like that. Yes, there are a million ways in which this practice is criticized by people in the poly world, but yanno, sometimes it works out. And frankly, I've been on fetlife reading people's personal ads long enough to know that unicorns are real and whether it works out in the long run or not, there are some out there willing to give it a try.

It's unusual where you live. But it isn't actually unusual. At all.

However, this site does not (in my opinion) have the active numbers to function really well as a dating site. Bottom line. The occasional match might fortuitously happen, but I wouldn't expect it. You might try OK Cupid, Fetlife, or some other site where you can seek what you want. Can you afford to relocate someone from elsewhere? That might help, if you're well off, you could sugar up the deal a little, just to offset the fact that you live in the middle of nowhere.

Your big challenge is gonna be that rural location. You're geographically challenged. Good luck.
 
thanks

Hey, Spork,

I want to thank you for your comments and support. You are right about fetlife having more opportunities for this. I just got excited to see this forum. You are right about our geographical challenges. Apparently I have miscalculated the number of poly people enlightened enough to even handle the suggestion of what we are looking for. Why take the time to criticize when you can just leave it? People assume they know things about you. It's infuriating.

As an outgoing, gregarious, kinky, poly swinger, I expect to be in the minority, but I am continually surprised by the high levels of judgement and criticism I get from people in the lifestyles. People seem to be tribal and territorial everywhere, even in groups supposedly tolerant of alternative lifestyles. It is very disappointing.

There was a scene in Tootsie where the lead character is at a party and tells a girl he is interested in that he just wants to make love to get and she slaps him, and this is him giving her own words right back to her. It's like that, I guess. People are afraid of sex, plain and simple.I envision a communal world in which we all share everything, including sex with others as they are comfortable with it.

Thanks for reaching out. I am kevinscunt on fet. I hope we can be friends there. It's nice to meet you.
-kg
 
p.s.

To answer your first question, Spork, I am not doing it for him so much as for the both of us. It is a fantasy of mine to share my man, to give him varied experiences with other women. He is not such a self-promoter, anyway, but it's my kink. And he is on board with it.

The other piece of this is I want to give the gift of his extraordinary lovemaking to others who can appreciate it. There are a lot of women who aren't satisfied with their sex lives. I've got something good and I really want to share it.
 
Your passive-agressiveness is...cute. It is neither unimaginative nor unenlightened for one to balk at someone looking for a living sex toy in a poly community. You certainly aren't original in your quest. Google "unicorn hunters".

This section of the forum is for general poly questions or thoughts. There is a dating section around here somewhere. Good luck to you.
 
?

I don't know where you get passive-aggressiveness from. I am neither passive not aggressive. I thought I was being quite direct. I harbor no I'll will, but you seem to dislike me without having ever had a conversation with me. Does it bring you satisfaction to spend time thinking up insulting things to say to people you don't know? Forgive me for shaking up your world worth my soul-crushing suggestion of free sex, an idea that has been around for centuries and across cultures. I thought this was an adult forum.
 
kevinsgirl said:
I don't know where you get passive-aggressiveness from. I am neither passive not aggressive. I thought I was being quite direct. I harbor no I'll will, but you seem to dislike me without having ever had a conversation with me. Does it bring you satisfaction to spend time thinking up insulting things to say to people you don't know? Forgive me for shaking up your world worth my soul-crushing suggestion of free sex, an idea that has been around for centuries and across cultures. I thought this was an adult forum.
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LOL...so says the woman throwinng out thinly veiled insults. I neither like nor dislike you. I simply made an observation.
 
kevinsgirl said:
To answer your first question, Spork, I am not doing it for him so much as for the both of us. It is a fantasy of mine to share my man, to give him varied experiences with other women. He is not such a self-promoter, anyway, but it's my kink. And he is on board with it.

The other piece of this is I want to give the gift of his extraordinary lovemaking to others who can appreciate it. There are a lot of women who aren't satisfied with their sex lives. I've got something good and I really want to share it.
Click to expand...

Oh, I totally feel ya in that last respect. I'm getting GLORIOUS sex lately and I can't stop thinking about it and talking about it and...yeah. So you are simply much more outgoing than he is, and this is why you want to put in the effort to make this thing a reality for both of you. Hey, good on ya!

Don't mind the responses too much. They have their reasons. Honestly, it's understandable. They aren't so much attacking you, or free sex, as they are a thing that we just see time and time and time again. The couple looking for the hot bi babe. It's common enough that there are tropes. I get where they're coming from, but I think one of the reasons I'm sympathetic to ya is that I'm not sure you knew what you were walking into with that.

And again...for all that people talk about how the hot bi babes aren't interested in being a sex toy for a couple, seriously I DO see plenty of them on fetlife asking for that very thing. Guys, too. Hell, as a solo poly person, my boyfriend and I wound up dating a married couple, as a unit together, although the men aren't frisky with each other...and I would have dated them even if my boyfriend had not made it a quad situation, I would have happily been their unicorn. And honestly, I connected with the woman more strongly at first than with the man in that couple, too.

So...it's not crazy.

And frankly I would not mind having you around here and I'd hope you'd maybe read some stuff, if nothing else, the judgy attitude IS something you'll encounter in some communities, like it or not, and it might be helpful to understand where it comes from, when you say, "we're looking for our third" and people roll their eyes. It makes you look like a newbie to the scene, if nothing else, in most places that HAVE a scene. (EDIT: I mean a poly scene, not a swinger scene.)

But...we were all new, once. To everything. So...*shrug*...

Now there is some disconnect on the question of whether swinging is polyamory or not, and I lean towards "not." It falls under the bigger umbrella term of "ethical non-monogamy." Polyamory (many loves) is more a thing about a relationship. I don't know if you are thinking of sharing in terms of emotional connection, or just sex. One thing I do criticize and caution people against, is trying to "legislate feelings" which is to say, if you do find your third and you're happily sharing sex, and she gets feels or your guy gets feels or you get feels...is that ok with you and him? Or would that be threatening? That's something to consider. Unplanned for feelings are another common issue falling into the "dime a dozen" category.

I'll add ya on fetlife.

I would very much like to add others who are on fet if any of you want, but prefer not to put my fetname right out here where anyone can see it (never know who will find this site)...so if anybody else wants it, pm me...
 
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If you go back and re-read what I actually wrote, I did not ask you if your boyfriend wanted to be pimped out. I asked if that's what you intended to do, with your post. Because, I personally as a poly person, see that more in the swinging community than in poly circles. It didn't read to me like you are looking for him to find another partner to fall in love with, but just fuck. No matter how awesome your guy is, that isn't poly. It definitely falls more under the general non-mongomy umbrella.

It's definitely possible to be both a swinger and poly (been there, done that) but everything you wrote sounded more swinger-ish to me.
 
The main criticisms you've received are incredibly valid ones:

1. What your posts say you're looking for (someone for him to "play with") is not really appropriate to a poly board. That's not about anything other than it being off-topic for the stated purpose of this board, which isn't swinging/threesomes/etc. There's nothing wrong with any of those things, that's just not what this board is about.

2. Your approach is off-putting to some people, be they swingers, poly, etc.

Instead of getting angry about the criticisms, maybe take a look at the rest of the board and posters who have answered. We have several regular, veteran member who are poly and overlap with swinging, other ethical non-monogamy, BDSM, etc. So, it's not that the board is generally against any of those things.

Bi woman who want to fuck couples are more common in the swinging world than in the poly world, and for excellent reasons. So, you'll have a lot more luck, generally, finding a woman who's interested in some hot sex with you guys in a swinging capacity than a poly one. That said, HBB are still incredibly sought-after in most non-monogamous communities, so they can--and generally are--super picky about it. Saying "he's good in bed" isn't likely to win one of those sought-after ladies into bed, because she's heard it a thousand times. You'll have far more interest being more specific on swinger sites, posting photos of both of you (for whatever reason, it's so often just a million pics of the woman and like one of the guy's dick with no face/body/etc.), and what you are into (kink, vanilla, anal, oral...whatever).

If it *is* a poly relationship you're looking for, meaning the possibility for feelings, etc., then yes, you're going to get a lot of criticism. Again, for very good reasons, including the languages of your posts. Just search "triads" and "thirds" here to get a sense of those, and read this (which won't be terribly relevant if you're just looking for a casual sex playmate).
 
kevinsgirl said:
I have a wonderful partner who is really great in the sack. We live separate and don't get to see each other as much as we would like.

I have always had a thing about getting another girl for him to play with, but it is so hard to know when and how to ask people. Honestly, there is not someone here I would feel comfortable with asking. It is partly for him and partly for her...I love sharing, and he is a great gift from the Universe that I would love to share with someone who could appreciate it!

We live in rural WV, in the center of the state, and would love to meet people who would be interested in meeting us and conversing over dinner to see what we have in common.

We are both very gregarious, left-leaning, environmentalists who work to make life better in the Appalachian region.
Click to expand...

Hi, I appreciate your kink, but I also do not think you're talking about polyamory.

I could rewrite your OP from my current's bf's POV. He has been a swinger (2x a month for 2 years) and is a voyeur and an exhibitionist. He'd love to share me sexually with another man. This is what he would say:

"I have a wonderful partner who is really great in the sack. We live separate and see each other twice a week.

I have always had a thing about getting another man for her to play with, but it is so hard to know when and how to ask people... It is partly for him (or them), partly for me, and partly for her. I am straight, but I'd love to watch her get fucked while she sucked my cock, or vice versa. Or I'd love to suck one of her breasts while another guy sucked the other, etc., etc.

I love sharing, and she is a great gift from the Universe that I would love to share with someone who could appreciate it! She has long had hot MFM sexual encounters on her bucket/fuckit list. She's been trying to meet a guy who would be interested in something like this, but I thought I'd put it out there too.

We live in suburban MA, in the center of the state, and would love to meet people who would be interested in meeting us and conversing over dinner to see what we have in common.

We are both very gregarious, leftie, artsy-sciencey Bernie supporters."

Note how a MFM is something I, not just my bf, would like to have. Note, also, that I have been actively looking, on OK Cupid and Fet.

Now, I don't do sex with people I don't know. I would never commit to fucking someone I'd only exchanged a few words with. I see also you'd like to have dinner with someone and see what you (or your bf and this prospective woman) had in common. I guess you mean, general interests, not just sexual/kink interests. Would your bf fuck just anyone slightly attractive? Or does he prefer someone he clicks with on deeper levels?

As another member said, you might end up with feelings of infatuation and romance with your bf's prospective other partner. Then you get into the polyAMORY realm. Keep in mind, if you're kind of a cuckquean, if your bf actually starts dating someone, she might not feel comfortable with you watching, participating, or even telling you details of their sexual encounters.

If you just want to show off your bf's sexual prowess, get online and look up swinger's websites. Or go on CL with an ad. Or take time (and beaucoup $) to travel to a city in your state that has swing clubs. There you'd be able to send bf off to please other women. You'd probably even get to watch, or participate, if that is your real desire.
 
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