Looking for a primary

916woman

New member
So I've loved someone for about 20 years. We are poly and I am bisexual. I know that to feel fulfilled, I need to be there primary in the relationship and he can't give me that. I accept that but I need someone else in my life. I don't even know where to begin looking at I'm a single mom of two, so I don't have a lot of extra time to date. Also, I have anxiety in crowds so going to meetups is difficult. Help!
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
Help, how?
You know what you want, you know what to do to get it, but you have reasons why you can't do those things. So, what help do you need?
 

916woman

New member
Help, how?
You know what you want, you know what to do to get it, but you have reasons why you can't do those things. So, what help do you need?
I don't know what to do to meet my needs. If, for any reasons, the ways to meet people I know of are not options for me, I'm looking for other options. Had anyone had luck using other avenues? I'm certainly not looking for criticism. Have a great New Year's Eve.
 
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Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
I don't know what to do to meet my needs. If, for any reasons, the ways to meet people I know of are not options for me, I'm looking for other options. Had anyone had luck using other avenues? I'm certainly not looking for criticism. Have a great New Year's Eve.
No criticism intended, just wanted to clarify what you wanted from posting here.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello 916woman,

Since you are not able to date, and you are not able to participate in meetups, you might want to try FetLife or Facebook. Just some thoughts, I know it is not easy!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
So I've loved someone for about 20 years. We are poly and I am bisexual. I know that to feel fulfilled, I need to be there primary in the relationship and he can't give me that. I accept that but I need someone else in my life. I don't even know where to begin looking at I'm a single mom of two, so I don't have a lot of extra time to date. Also, I have anxiety in crowds so going to meetups is difficult. Help!
Hi and welcome to the forum

Besides the male of 20 yrs how many other partners do you have currently ? And when were you made aware of his not wanting the title or responsibility that comes with “ primary “ relationships?

is the above mentioned male the father of both children ?? And is the plan to stay in some type of relationship if not the same “ secondary “ relationship with him ?

How long have you and he been poly ? And who’s idea was it ?
 

916woman

New member
No other partners currently. At the very beginning of the relationship he claimed monogamy but cheated. It wasn't until years later that he found polyamory and realized that's where he fit. No he is not the father of either child. Yes, he would remain a secondary relationship.

He has been living poly for years now but never really had a name for it until about 5 years ago. I have known for quite some time what my needs were but I have not been actively dating for some years now.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
No other partners currently. At the very beginning of the relationship he claimed monogamy but cheated. It wasn't until years later that he found polyamory and realized that's where he fit.
when he finally found this poly label was it clear then that he wasn’t really interested in being yours or anyones “ primary “ relationship ?

No he is not the father of either child.
were you ever married and or in a primary type relationship ? And we’re kids the result of poly relationship that didn’t work out ? And is the father or fathers 1in the kids lives ….I ask this for possible child care options.

Yes, he would remain a secondary relationship.

He has been living poly for years now but never really had a name for it until about 5 years ago. I have known for quite some time what my needs were but I have not been actively dating for some years now.
I’m assuming raising kids got in the way. I think you first task should be dating and getting out with the intention of finding that primary someone. And then worry about the specific once you connect with or to the right person. IMO this is going to be a big numbers game. I think go out have fun and meet/ date as many as you can try to get a connection first and worry about long term status later.
 

WhatHappened

Active member
If I understand...you want to continue seeing him but also find a primary? But you don't have time to date and meetups cause anxiety?

It seems to me you're giving a somewhat impossible situation: tell me how to find a primary when I'm not going to date or go to meetups. Well--I'm not sure there is a way, barring the perfect man turning up at your job.

If you want to find someone and feel you don't have time -- make time.

Where is that time going now? To spending time with a man who does not want to be your primary? If you see him 6 nights a week, give 3 or even 5 of those nights to dating men off a dating site. If you see him 2 nights a week, give 1 or 2 of those nights to meeting other men off a dating site--or to joining any sort of interest you have -- dance, poetry, music, some political interest?

Anxiety? Okay, get on some meds, talk to a counselor, join smaller groups, join an activity you love that doesn't require so much social interaction--knitting, book club, writing group, community theater or music, photo club, dance, ANYTHING.

A major reason I broke up with my poly BF was that I understood he had no intention/could not be a real support and true life companion and I knew I was unlikely to let my heart go with anyone else as long as I was with him. Moreover, I knew that very few men were going to be open to becoming my 'primary' while I continued to see someone else. This is simply a fact of life. Do with that as you will.

For the record, I am now very happily married to someone else. It wasn't easy to let go of someone I loved, who loved me, but the life he was offering me was one of being second, being forever on my own whenever the rubber hit the road.
 
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