Looking for advice

[Firesparky]

Years ago, my partner of now 15 years, decided we would like to try new things in the bedroom and started to explore swinging (always together, always with other females, no males) and respected these boundaries and never crossed a line that we both decided on. Four years ago we met a girl and started fooling around with her about 2 years later. I was happy to leave it at friends with benefits but then they started hounding me about calling her our girlfriend; this was not something I was comfortable with and still am not. Somehow in there they both decided that we were all in a relationship and I was not part of that decision. I have made my feelings clear. About 7 months ago they slept together and hid it from me. I don't feel good about this, but about 2 months ago I went through his phone and found two videos of them having sex, once was the time i was not aware of, the second was one he "swore he told me about." He refused to have her stay away for me to heal and has been at my house every night since; I go to bed because I work early and they stay up late together. I have had a couple instances where I can't sleep and go downstairs and there is something going on - one time he said he was "going to let her touch it" and I went downstairs to find a full bj going on. Last night her tits "accidentally" fell out of the shirt I had bought her earlier. I don't trust or like the situation but I don't want to hurt my partner by casting her away but I'm tired of being suspicious and jealous and in general I'm tired of hurting. Any advice?

 

[vinsanity0]

Yes. Stand up for yourself. You are worried about hurting your partner's feelings, but they are ignoring yours altogether. They are lying to you and cheating on you.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

Somehow in there they both decided that we were all in a relationship and I was not part of that decision. I have made my feelings clear.

I'm not sure what that means. Could you please be willing to clarify?

If new agreements needed to be made, I guess you guys could have done that? Did you? Where on their side of the triangle is it sharing sex and love and "GF" things? And on your side of the triangle it is sharing sex only. "FWB" things?

Was that made clear? Or you talked and nothing in the agreements changed?

About 7 months ago they slept together and hid it from me.

So did the agreements change when you made your feelings clear or is this them cheating on the current agreements?

I don't trust or like the situation ...

Then why participate in it THIS way?

I suppose you could spell it out one last time. What you ARE and are NOT up for. Then change the parts you want to change.

• If you want to keep dating him but not her? Bow out of seeing her as your FWB. Don't date her any more.

• If you are only up for "Open" with your partner where things stay at FWB on his side and on you side, and his side has changed? Then it's not the deal you signed up for. You may have to make a decision to bow out. The "old deal" is over. This is some new arrangement you did not sign up for.

• If you are ok with him dating her more like a GF while your side remains FWB, but don't like the lying and having sex in the living room when you can just walk in? Could ask for that behavior to change and new agreements to be made clear. If nothing changes? You may have to make a decision to bow out because you don't like the weird, the lies, or walking in on people.

• If you don't want to participate at ALL any more? You could bow out and end it with both.

Perhaps there's another option you can do that I don't see. Mostly, I think you could do your soul searching and figure out what you are and are not up for. Then make a decision from there.

...but I don't want to hurt my partner by casting her away...

You are not "casting her away" if you quit dating him or quit dating her. It's YOU being in charge of YOUR dating life.

He is in charge of his dating life. He's free to keep on seeing her even if you get off this Trio Bus. If the Bus changed direction without anyone telling you, you can get off the Bus. You do not have to keep on riding it forever.

but I'm tired of being suspicious and jealous and in general I'm tired of hurting. Any advice?

Yes. Sort out what it it YOU want.

Then speak up, change how you are participating in this. Up to and including no longer participating.

Sometimes one has to step back and get out of the the line of fire so one doesn't keep on getting dinged.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Firesparky,

I can't tell for sure if your partner is *deliberately* hiding things from you, it's like a lot of times he just doesn't bother to inform you, and then inevitably you walk in on it. At the same time it sounds like he is steamrolling you with the idea that the three of you are in a triad now, and he is assuming that you consent to it. Have you told him that you don't consent? If you did, how did he respond?

It's possible he is all caught up in his NRE, maybe she is too, and they are not noticing that they're being inconsiderate towards you. If so, then you have the option of just gritting your teeth and waiting for the NRE to wear off. Does your partner have a history of being inconsiderate? Maybe this is just him being him, applied to this situation. If so, then you may want to consider breaking up with him. I know that's not your ideal solution.

If you could post some more, and tell us more details, I might be able to think of some more advice, hopefully some solid advice.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[MayDecember]

Yes. Stand up for yourself. You are worried about hurting your partner's feelings, but they are ignoring yours altogether. They are lying to you and cheating on you.

Seconded.

 

[anamikanon]

If you can't dump her because of him, dump them. Move on.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for the timeline. Nicknames for your partners would help us to give feedback. Paragraph breaks are nice too.

I'm not quite sure I understand the dynamic here. Let's break it down.

Years ago, my partner of now 15 years, decided we would like to try new things in the bedroom and started to explore swinging (always together, always with other females, no males) and respected these boundaries and never crossed a line that we both decided on.

So far, so good.

Four years ago we met a girl and started fooling around with her about 2 years later. I was happy to leave it at friends with benefits.

So all three of you were having sex together. Both women are bi? It was fun, light, casual. And the threesome sex went on for a while. It was different than at the swinger's club though, intensity built. Feelings arose...

...but then they started hounding me about calling her our girlfriend; this was not something I was comfortable with, and still am not. Somehow in there they both decided that we were all in a relationship. I was not part of that decision. I have made my feelings clear.

So somehow, against your will, the other couple (your bf and your female FWB) wanted to make it "official." They wanted to call it a "relationship." And they forced(?) you to agree that you and the other woman were girlfriends in a romantic sense? But you don't "like her that way"? You're sexually attracted to her. But maybe you feel she's a threat to your continuing relationship with BF? You like her as a friend, but you don't want romance. You maybe fear she's trying to get your bf away from you.(?)

About 7 months ago they slept together and hid it from me.

But all three of you had been having sex? Threesomes only with you and him and her? But you and bf could have one on one sex? Gf couldn't ever have one on one sex with either of you? Was that the original agreement? But then bf and other woman decided they were going to have one on one sex whether you liked it or not?

I don't feel good about this, but about 2 months ago I went through his phone and found two videos of them having sex, once was the time i was not aware of, the second was one he "swore he told me about." He refused to have her stay away, for me to heal, and [she] has been at my house every night since...

Is it your house or your bf and your's shared home? You get to say who is and is not allowed to be in your home. If you don't like her being there every night, say so, and enforce it.

I go to bed because I work early and they stay up late together. I have had a couple instances where I can't sleep, and go downstairs, and there is something going on - one time he said he was "going to let her touch it" and I went downstairs to find a full bj going on. Last night her tits "accidentally" fell out of the shirt I had bought her earlier.

You're buying her shirts? That implies you like her a lot, to be giving her gifts. But it seems you don't like them having one on one sex. Is that the main problem? Do you want to keep having the threeways, or are you mad at both of them and don't want to have sex with either one now?

If bf and his gf are attracted to each other, they are going to have sex. That's what adults do. You really don't have a right to tell any other adult who they can or can not have sex with. But you are becoming incompatible with both of them. You don't want a full on polyamorous triad. You also maybe feel neglected by bf? Are you sexual needs going unmet? Are you angry because he doesn't seem to care that your desires for this relationship are different than his desires or goals, but he's just going along doing whatever he wants? Is it time to call it quits? If it's your house, you can kick him out so he can go bang and love on the other woman. If both of you are on the mortgage or rental agreement, it's trickier.

I don't trust or like the situation, but I don't want to hurt my partner by casting her away, but I'm tired of being suspicious and jealous, and in general I'm tired of hurting. Any advice?

Make your boundaries clear. Decide what you want. Talk together like adults. You can "cast her out" of your life, but you can't literally "cast her out" of his life. You can "cast her out" of your HOME though. No one needs to allow anyone they don't trust into their sanctuary.

Tell them you're tired of these "games" where he might let her touch it, her boobs somehow fall out of her shirt, and somehow they are intercoursing away in YOUR living room after you go to bed! Tell them that is unacceptable. If they must continue, you decide what YOU do next, as advised above.