So I will try to be both comprehensive and brief. I am looking for advice on a situation I am in. I am not sure if this is unique but I'm also not sure how common it is.
So my wife and I have been together 7 years and married for almost 2 years (in September). Previously we swung with other couples but as of january 2018 we decided to try polyamory with a woman that she had met and introduced us both to. However, things did not end up working out with her as she moved and we moved on. So nothing much happens until earlier this year. We end up talking with another woman (G) who had just got out of a bad breakup about 6 months prior (so about a year from this posting probably) who was just starting to explore poly. My wife was apprehensive about it as G was initially messaging me but was unsure of G's interest in my wife. I will caveat that at times I am unsure if my wife is mono or poly despite her protest that she is not mono. So we have been going on shared date with G every month (sometimes twice) for every month up to the current.
And this is where the situation arises. There have been some ups and downs with my wife and her feelings regarding G but we talked extensively and made sure everyone was on the same page. Two weeks ago, on a monday, they went on their first solo date. Both of them had wanted it and both felt it could strengthen their connection. Immediately afterwards both thought it a good idea for me and G to have a solo date as well so there was less pressure. No kissing had been had up until this point and all three of us felt it might be easier for G to get and give this affection on solo dates. We end up kissing on this date (within the comfortability of my wife) and my wife still has a meltdown. She was anxious the entire day of the date and felt very much like her feelings weren't taken into consideration. The three of us are able to hash it out and are seemingly better by friday (my solo date happened to be wednesday immediately after their date). There are plans of G coming over on sunday and our group chat gets hot and heavy with ideas as both women are getting really in the mood though we all discuss, there are no expectations. While G is over our house I am in the kitchen and come into the living room to finding them kissing. I give them their space and then join in and one thing leads to another we are heading upstairs. Afterwards G goes to sleep in the guest bedroom and then leaves the subsequent morning.
At this time my wife feels "violated" that some other woman was naked in our bed despite being the one to lead everyone upstairs the night before and having made no protest to it being done. She feels so strongly that she "wants to burn the mattress". I will spare the specific details of the words she used on sunday and wednesday during her meltdowns. Needless to say I tried to rationalize with her but to no avail. This became so overwhelming that another person my wife had talked to about everything sent screenshots of what she said to me and the other woman involved.
Long story short I don't know where my wife and I stand. G was interested in both of us and still remains interested in a relationship with us or me depending on the outcome. At this time, as appropriate she is backing off though. I have since come to realize a number of other red flags that I have ignored over the years with my wife that are a cause of concern. So at this time divorce has been an issue on the table but I still feel like things can be salvageable. I feel as though we are two very different people with very different life pursuits and the best thing would be to let her go as she has seemed to be suffering from my somewhat recent discovery of my own polyamory. But I am not one to give up but I do feel there is some distance that needs to be placed. I know that sometimes normal relationships (non-married) may go through ebbs and flows and I was wondering if it is possible to lay some boundaries with my wife so as to still live together but allow me the space I need to assess whether she is able to work on her issues. I still feel it is something that can be worked on but am scared without boundaries that these same patterns will come up (cycles of being okay and then huge meltdowns regarding me being poly). I also don't want to lose what progress was made with G as well in regards to that relationship. Is there a way that I can set non-poly boundaries for my wife and I's relationship (kind of like a separation but with goals to see if we are able to work things out sort of and check in every once in a while and see if things can get better)?
Feel free to ask me more questions or for more information. I realize this may seem all a bit confusing.
So my wife and I have been together 7 years and married for almost 2 years (in September). Previously we swung with other couples but as of january 2018 we decided to try polyamory with a woman that she had met and introduced us both to. However, things did not end up working out with her as she moved and we moved on. So nothing much happens until earlier this year. We end up talking with another woman (G) who had just got out of a bad breakup about 6 months prior (so about a year from this posting probably) who was just starting to explore poly. My wife was apprehensive about it as G was initially messaging me but was unsure of G's interest in my wife. I will caveat that at times I am unsure if my wife is mono or poly despite her protest that she is not mono. So we have been going on shared date with G every month (sometimes twice) for every month up to the current.
And this is where the situation arises. There have been some ups and downs with my wife and her feelings regarding G but we talked extensively and made sure everyone was on the same page. Two weeks ago, on a monday, they went on their first solo date. Both of them had wanted it and both felt it could strengthen their connection. Immediately afterwards both thought it a good idea for me and G to have a solo date as well so there was less pressure. No kissing had been had up until this point and all three of us felt it might be easier for G to get and give this affection on solo dates. We end up kissing on this date (within the comfortability of my wife) and my wife still has a meltdown. She was anxious the entire day of the date and felt very much like her feelings weren't taken into consideration. The three of us are able to hash it out and are seemingly better by friday (my solo date happened to be wednesday immediately after their date). There are plans of G coming over on sunday and our group chat gets hot and heavy with ideas as both women are getting really in the mood though we all discuss, there are no expectations. While G is over our house I am in the kitchen and come into the living room to finding them kissing. I give them their space and then join in and one thing leads to another we are heading upstairs. Afterwards G goes to sleep in the guest bedroom and then leaves the subsequent morning.
At this time my wife feels "violated" that some other woman was naked in our bed despite being the one to lead everyone upstairs the night before and having made no protest to it being done. She feels so strongly that she "wants to burn the mattress". I will spare the specific details of the words she used on sunday and wednesday during her meltdowns. Needless to say I tried to rationalize with her but to no avail. This became so overwhelming that another person my wife had talked to about everything sent screenshots of what she said to me and the other woman involved.
Long story short I don't know where my wife and I stand. G was interested in both of us and still remains interested in a relationship with us or me depending on the outcome. At this time, as appropriate she is backing off though. I have since come to realize a number of other red flags that I have ignored over the years with my wife that are a cause of concern. So at this time divorce has been an issue on the table but I still feel like things can be salvageable. I feel as though we are two very different people with very different life pursuits and the best thing would be to let her go as she has seemed to be suffering from my somewhat recent discovery of my own polyamory. But I am not one to give up but I do feel there is some distance that needs to be placed. I know that sometimes normal relationships (non-married) may go through ebbs and flows and I was wondering if it is possible to lay some boundaries with my wife so as to still live together but allow me the space I need to assess whether she is able to work on her issues. I still feel it is something that can be worked on but am scared without boundaries that these same patterns will come up (cycles of being okay and then huge meltdowns regarding me being poly). I also don't want to lose what progress was made with G as well in regards to that relationship. Is there a way that I can set non-poly boundaries for my wife and I's relationship (kind of like a separation but with goals to see if we are able to work things out sort of and check in every once in a while and see if things can get better)?
Feel free to ask me more questions or for more information. I realize this may seem all a bit confusing.
