intothewild
New member
I am not proud, but I slept with my ex and lied to my partner about it.
I (M34) started seeing my current and only partner 'M' (F42) 2 years ago while openly polyam with two partners. Both of those relationships ended and about a year ago M and I started seeing each other exclusively out of circumstance. M is mono and said that she is much happier being exclusive and doesn't feel polyam is for her. Out of fear of losing her, and because I felt pressured I agreed to give monogamy a try. I feel this was a mistake, because I know in my heart I am polyam and will always want to be free to connect with and love other people too. A few months ago I reconnected with one of my ex's 'P' and we started sleeping together. I hid this from M. I also told P that M knew about our arrangement and was fine with it. I lied to them both and hurt them both and I have hated myself for it.
I have been depressed over the last few months and I believe part of that is because I have been living a lie. I never should have compromised myself for another person. I have since been honest with both M and P. I have also told M that I am poly and she needs to decide whether she can be okay with it. I want to try and fix the situation but I don't know what to do. They both love me and want to be with me. Currently, I have put things on hold with P and offered her friendship, but she wants more. I want more too, but I feel like I need time to try to repair my relationship with M. But am I doing the right thing? I'm feeling lost.
I (M34) started seeing my current and only partner 'M' (F42) 2 years ago while openly polyam with two partners. Both of those relationships ended and about a year ago M and I started seeing each other exclusively out of circumstance. M is mono and said that she is much happier being exclusive and doesn't feel polyam is for her. Out of fear of losing her, and because I felt pressured I agreed to give monogamy a try. I feel this was a mistake, because I know in my heart I am polyam and will always want to be free to connect with and love other people too. A few months ago I reconnected with one of my ex's 'P' and we started sleeping together. I hid this from M. I also told P that M knew about our arrangement and was fine with it. I lied to them both and hurt them both and I have hated myself for it.
I have been depressed over the last few months and I believe part of that is because I have been living a lie. I never should have compromised myself for another person. I have since been honest with both M and P. I have also told M that I am poly and she needs to decide whether she can be okay with it. I want to try and fix the situation but I don't know what to do. They both love me and want to be with me. Currently, I have put things on hold with P and offered her friendship, but she wants more. I want more too, but I feel like I need time to try to repair my relationship with M. But am I doing the right thing? I'm feeling lost.