looking for advice

L

letsbfrnds72

New member
I've been in an 8 year relationship with my primary partner and recently involved with a secondary for the past few months - we'll call him Jim.

Jim is married and has been poly for about 3 years before we met. Yesterday, Jim and I had a disagreement due to some miscommunication. This ended in us being vulnerable with one another to work through it, but still left me a bit out of sorts.

Unfortunately, shortly afterwards, he got into an argument with his primary partner and overall had a rough day. I tried to give him advice, to listen to him and support him as best as I could through this, and through other ongoing issues he's had with his primary - but a part of me wishes that he'd focus on us during the little time we have together. Since we just had a weird and somewhat combative conversation the day prior that left me feeling "vulnerable and exposed" - to use his verbiage - I would have greatly appreciated him asking how I was feeling after yesterday, instead of venting to me about his primary partner.

How do I go about talking to him about this? Is my desire for things to be seperate plausible or am I being selfish? I want to be there for him during moments of stress but this has just left me feeling dismissed as nothing but emotional support for when his primary relationship has issues.
 
Ooof, that sounds rough. And it's totally okay for you to want to not be his confidant regarding issues on their side of your V. Or perhaps you would be okay to sometimes be that person, but not right now when you have your own relationship stuff going on! It's okay to have boundaries and to state those boundaries (remembering that boundaries are the things that you make for yourself, to keep yourself safe - including from disrespectful behaviors which it sounds like this is starting to feel like to you - but it's good to let relevant people know what they are so they don't get all surprised when you tell them you are coming close to removing yourself from a situation).

So, it sounds like you need to find a way to tell him that he's starting to brush up against a boundary because he's not respecting your time together as your time together and letting the stuff from his other relationship take up your time.

Could you say that? "Hey Jim, I'd like our date time to be about us since we're also coming up against some new and difficult issues at the moment. I'm not really the right person to be listening and advising about what's going on with your other relationship - I care, but I'm biased and don't want to say anything that might cause more upset. Could you seek out someone else for that, please."

Words to that effect?
 
I agree with Evie. Everyone has their own level of how much is too much to share. Perhaps Jim's other partner didn't even really want him sharing all her stuff with her metamour (you).

I've been with Aries for four years, and we still struggle with how much of his drama around other gfs I want him to share. I want to be in the loop, but on the other hand, I don't want TMI! It's tricky! He's still learning how to be a good poly partner, how to have comfortable boundaries, etc., while I am much more experienced. So he really loves my support and words of wisdom. And yet, sometimes he still omits things about himself to tell me, while trying to be discreet, that really impact my understanding of him, the choices he makes, his needs and desires, and so on. It's a work in progress, always.

He's got one steady gf besides me, but she's busy, has a kid, is married, and works a lot, so he's still enjoying seeking others. There's always something new going on...

On the other hand, my gf Pixi has had the same (mono) bf for years, no big dramas, no turnover of partners, so it's nice and easy. We omit the most personal details of our sex lives with our OSOs, but everything else is pretty cool.

And by the way, as a long-time member, I want to say how grateful I am that you chose a nickname for your bf. People so rarely do that, and it gets so tiresome reading threads about "my husband," "my wife," "my fiance," "my bf's gf's husband," and on and on!
 
Hello letsbfrnds72,

You are not being selfish, you just want Jim to focus on his time with you, rather than using you as a free therapist. Tell him you want to help, but that you need him to be there for you too. Good luck.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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