Looking for anonymity

A

AlZig

New member
Hi,

I created an account because I need some anonymity that I can't get in my poly group on FB. Anonymity had not been a big deal over the first 8 years of being poly, but has more recently become a issue in the last due to a metamor.

I wanted to have the opportunity to get outside opinions about my situations or thoughts without having the metamor be angry at me for sharing about the situation. The last time I did post my thoughts to FB poly group, she claimed that everyone would know who I was talking about and she did not want everyone to know her business. I never mentioned names, but I also know to some degree, some of our mutual acquaintances and friends would know who I am talking about.

A little about me, I am married to JT. We consider ourselves poly, we started this way back in 2011 when we met (although poly was new to me then by only a few months at the time.) And slightly new 6 months ish at the time, to my spouse.

I currently only see one other person, whom I will call MH. We have been dating for 3 years and I do call him my boyfriend. He is married and has 2 kids. I get along with his wife MA very well and would even consider her my friend. And his kids are great.

JT current only sees AA, whom he has been dating about 2.5 years. (but this is mostly due to covid). She dates others, and I don't know she sees anyone else as regularly as she sees JT.

JT and I probably have what others might call "relationship hierarchy". We chose to nest together and spend the majority of our time together.
MH and MA also have a similar poly relationship style.
AA, from what I understand, via JT and other mutual friends, AA would prefer relationship anarchy, and often seems frustrated by the relationship between me and JT. (I think many poor interactions between JT and AA and me and AA partly due to this.)

Anyhow, that's my current situation, at least as how I see it. I am looking forward to hearing more perspectives and ideas. Thanks for reading.
 
Welcome to the board!

There are a ton of resources to be had here and to take your time mulling over things to see where you are with it all. It will take some time, but it will be totally worth it. :)
 
Welcome.

JT and I probably have what others might call "relationship hierarchy".
Click to expand...

Ok. That's how you and JT have structured the relationship between JT and you.

AA would prefer relationship anarchy, and often seems frustrated by the relationship between me and JT.
Click to expand...

Relationship anarchy posits that people in the relationships create how they want the relationships to be/go. What part of AA's relationship with JT is not relationship anarchist in style? AA is not pursuing their preferences?

What JT does with other people is JT's business, isn't it?

(I think many poor interactions between JT and AA and me and AA partly due to this.)
Click to expand...

Without other details... I guess you could skip interacting with AA. You aren't the one dating AA. Could leave it to JT to figure out.

AA's stuff doesn't have to be your problem.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
AlZig said:
Hi,

I created an account because I need some anonymity that I can't get in my poly group on FB. Anonymity had not been a big deal over the first 8 years of being poly, but has more recently become a issue in the last due to a metamor.

I wanted to have the opportunity to get outside opinions about my situations or thoughts without having the metamor be angry at me for sharing about the situation. The last time I did post my thoughts to FB poly group, she claimed that everyone would know who I was talking about and she did not want everyone to know her business. I never mentioned names, but I also know to some degree, some of our mutual acquaintances and friends would know who I am talking about.

A little about me, I am married to JT. We consider ourselves poly, we started this way back in 2011 when we met (although poly was new to me then by only a few months at the time.) And slightly new 6 months ish at the time, to my spouse.

I currently only see one other person, whom I will call MH. We have been dating for 3 years and I do call him my boyfriend. He is married and has 2 kids. I get along with his wife MA very well and would even consider her my friend. And his kids are great.

JT current only sees AA, whom he has been dating about 2.5 years. (but this is mostly due to covid). She dates others, and I don't know she sees anyone else as regularly as she sees JT.

JT and I probably have what others might call "relationship hierarchy". We chose to nest together and spend the majority of our time together.
MH and MA also have a similar poly relationship style.
AA, from what I understand, via JT and other mutual friends, AA would prefer relationship anarchy, and often seems frustrated by the relationship between me and JT. (I think many poor interactions between JT and AA and me and AA partly due to this.)

Anyhow, that's my current situation, at least as how I see it. I am looking forward to hearing more perspectives and ideas. Thanks for reading.
Click to expand...

So does AA think you are controlling her relationship with JT in inappropriate ways, or…? That can definitely lead to some friction with a meta, whether true or not. Is JT blaming you when he doesn’t do something AA wants?
 
Greetings AlZig,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I take it AA is the metamour you spoke of, the one who didn't want you talking about her on Facebook? and it sounds like not only is she a relationship anarchist -- which is fine -- she also wants you (and JT) to be relationship anarchists -- which is not fine, you and JT have the right to practice poly in the way that works for you. Or does AA "just" want you to stop being hierarchical? This would be less extreme, but would still be inappropriate. Relationship hierarchy works for you -- you don't need to justify it beyond that.

It kind of sounds to me like AA is trying to change JT because as matters now stand, JT is a poor match for AA. My understanding of relationship anarchy is that you don't try to change someone, you just limit your association with that someone to the areas where whom both of you are intersect. AA and JT do not intersect in the area of relationship styles. So my advice to AA would be to stop associating with JT in a way that involves relationship styles. What I'm so delicately trying to say is that AA should break up with JT.

Of course, it's not up to you or me to dictate to AA what decisions she should make. Let's assume AA and JT keep dating each other. What is the appropriate response on your end of the table? Is AA giving you a bad time directly, or do you just not like the uncomfortable interactions you've had with AA because of her relationship anarchy? Is there a way you can dial back your associations with AA? Could you do Parallel Poly where AA is concerned? and what is JT's stance on all of this, why does he want to keep dating AA?

Not sure how much detail you wanted to get into, owing to your desire for anonymity, but these were some of the questions I had. My impression based on what you posted so far, is that JT and AA would be better off as platonic friends, or acquaintances, or friends with benefits. It seems to me that they are overly involved with each other, given their differences. I wonder if JT realizes this, and wants to hang on to the current setup even if he knows on some level that it's not a good idea? It is, of course, JT's choice.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
icesong said:
So does AA think you are controlling her relationship with JT in inappropriate ways, or…? That can definitely lead to some friction with a meta, whether true or not. Is JT blaming you when he doesn’t do something AA wants?
Click to expand...
He did at one point, which was more a poor choice of words than actual blame. That blew up in his face big time....
 
Update:. I have realized
kdt26417 said:
Greetings AlZig,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I take it AA is the metamour you spoke of, the one who didn't want you talking about her on Facebook? and it sounds like not only is she a relationship anarchist -- which is fine -- she also wants you (and JT) to be relationship anarchists -- which is not fine, you and JT have the right to practice poly in the way that works for you. Or does AA "just" want you to stop being hierarchical? This would be less extreme, but would still be inappropriate. Relationship hierarchy works for you -- you don't need to justify it beyond that.
Click to expand...
I agree with this, she doesn't really get a say in how JT and I do our relationship. I don't have a say in how they do their relationship either, nor would I want to.
kdt26417 said:
It kind of sounds to me like AA is trying to change JT because as matters now stand, JT is a poor match for AA. My understanding of relationship anarchy is that you don't try to change someone, you just limit your association with that someone to the areas where whom both of you are intersect. AA and JT do not intersect in the area of relationship styles. So my advice to AA would be to stop associating with JT in a way that involves relationship styles. What I'm so delicately trying to say is that AA should break up with JT.
Click to expand...
I am doubtful this will happen. Both JT and AA are not ones to just walk away at this point...
kdt26417 said:
Of course, it's not up to you or me to dictate to AA what decisions she should make. Let's assume AA and JT keep dating each other. What is the appropriate response on your end of the table? Is AA giving you a bad time directly, or do you just not like the uncomfortable interactions you've had with AA because of her relationship anarchy? Is there a way you can dial back your associations with AA? Could you do Parallel Poly where AA is concerned? and what is JT's stance on all of this, why does he want to keep dating AA?
Click to expand...
So many questions here... Not sure what "parallel poly" is exactly. She is not giving me a hard time, I mostly get stress around AA with JT's reactions. Which is quite unfortunate. JT cares for AA, which is why I assume he continues to see her.

kdt26417 said:
Not sure how much detail you wanted to get into, owing to your desire for anonymity, but these were some of the questions I had. My impression based on what you posted so far, is that JT and AA would be better off as platonic friends, or acquaintances, or friends with benefits. It seems to me that they are overly involved with each other, given their differences. I wonder if JT realizes this, and wants to hang on to the current setup even if he knows on some level that it's not a good idea? It is, of course, JT's choice.
Click to expand...

It is my opinion that JT wants all of us to be able to be poly in a giant multi-directional way. (Just my opinion, not what JT has ever specifically expressed.) Which is not really possible for me.
kdt26417 said:
Just some thoughts,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...
 
I mostly get stress around AA with JT's reactions. Which is quite unfortunate. JT cares for AA, which is why I assume he continues to see her.
Click to expand...

How are his reactions affecting you? Like... what's he doing?

It is my opinion that JT wants all of us to be able to be poly in a giant multi-directional way. (Just my opinion, not what JT has ever specifically expressed.) Which is not really possible for me.
Click to expand...

Like everyone romantically involved with everyone else? Or kitchen table poly? Something else? Whatever it is... if he hasn't expressed it or even if he has.... if you aren't up for those things you don't have to be. You can be honest and up front about what you are and are not up for.

Galagirl
 
Update:. I figured out why I am so not compatible with AA. I am a very blunt person, probably too honest and can often not sugar coat the truth. This often portrays me as an intimidating individual, who knows what I want and can take care of myself.
I often wait for those individuals to figure out that I am actually a very kind and loyal friend to approach me and create connections and friendships.
But in this case, I felt like JT tried to force a friendship early on between AA and I, until I told him to stop more recently. I think during this time, AA had become even more uncomfortable around me due to the "telephone game" that JT often created.

At this point, I have told JT to stop telling AA about things I say to him and vice versa. I think this has improved the "relationship" between AA and I overall.

Life is a puzzle and a lot of things continue to evolve and change. We will see how this goes.
 
Glad you figured that out.

If JT was trying to make you two form a friendship, I could see where that would cause problems between you and AA.

Hopefully now that he's backed off, it can go at its own speed and land on how it naturally wants to be at on its own.

Galagirl
 
I would rather be blunt and folks know where I stand than have them question my position
 
AlZig said:
Update:. I figured out why I am so not compatible with AA... I felt like JT tried to force a friendship early on between AA and me, until I told him to stop recently. I think during this time, AA became uncomfortable around me due to the "telephone game" that JT often created.

At this point, I have told JT to stop telling AA about things I say to him and vice versa. I think this has improved the "relationship" between AA and me overall.
Click to expand...
Good. We sometimes call that being a "sloppy hinge." All AA needs to know is that you and JT are practicing safer sex (if you are having sex). Their stuff is theirs, and your stuff with JT is between you and him.

There is an outmoded thought that it's not "true poly" unless everyone, all lovers and metamours, are deeply emotionally, or even romantically and sexually involved. Luckily, this is not the case. Some people might have a fantasy about a big puppy pile of 4, 5 or 6 people all together, but that hardly ever happens. And if it does, it generally burns out rather quickly and dramatically.
 
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