Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum. This is my first post, so bear with me.
Short history of my dating life so far.
Had my first boyfriend at age 16, and I was in a very traditional, monogamous relationship with him for 5 years. I had no idea anything other than this was possible, or hadn't given it much thought. We were both virgins when we met, so obviously the sex wasn't great to begin with. However, I grew, matured and learned and wanted to explore new things. He didn't. Eventually we broke up (for unrelated reasons), and I spent 9 months being single. I was getting over the break-up and uninterested in dating at that time.
Fast forwards, 9 months later. I met a new guy, my current boyfriend. He was the one who first introduced me to the concept that there might be more than monogamy out there. At that time I just wasn't ready for something like that. I had only ever been with 1 guy before him, and my self esteem was too low to be able to handle competing with other women for his affection (how it felt at the time). But I was intruiged, and fascinated by this new way of thinking. We (i.e. he) dated others for the first year and a half of our relationship, but I eventually made it clear that I needed monogamy for the time being. However, I knew that eventually there would probably come a time when I'd like to explore my sexuality, and I was happy to know that if that time came, i'd be with a guy who'd be open for that, and would give me the freedom to explore. After all, I let him do his thing for 18 months without restrictions. I handled the jealousy and insecurity on my own and didn't burden him with it.
Right now we've been together for 6 years. We own a house together and plan on having a family one day. I'm 28, he's 29. Throughout the relationship he put the open relationship back on the table multiple times, saying he'd love for me to reconsider. I always promised him that if one day I felt secure and confident enough, and I felt that our relationship was strong enough, I'd gladly allow him to date others again. And about 6 months ago, I felt as if I was ready. Mostly because we as a couple were getting stuck in a rut, hardly having sex anymore. For the first time, I realised that having an open relationship could benefit me as well. It wasn't just about him having his freedom, I could date as well, explore new things, experience new people.
I told my boyfriend about how I was feeling and said I was on board. I thought this would be something that brought us closer together. I pictured us having new relationships, bringing people home, being one big happy family. Suddenly however, everything seemed to change. He became cold, distant and cynical towards me. Whenever I go out on a date, he gives me the cold shoulder for hours or sometimes days after. He's incredibly hypocritical about all of it. He insists on reading my text messages to other men, but won't allow me near his own phone. When he reads the messages (I don't allow this anymore now, but at the start I did), he gets angry at the things I write and gives me a bunch of rules on what I'm allowed to talk about. He finds silly excuses to be angry at me (like wearing a pair of earrings he gave me to a date, or wearing his favourite dress with someone else). He wouldn't let me have anyone over at our house, which I thought was fair until he insisted on having his dates over and even telling me to make sure I'm gone so he has the place to himself. He called me a slut several times. He's big on communication and transparancy from my side, letting him know where I am and what I'm doing, with who, when I'm coming home. But he sometimes spends the night away without getting in touch at all.
About a month ago, we had a big fight, almost broke up (my initiative), and I told him that the only condition for getting back on track is that the drama needs to end. At this point, I've re-discovered myself and my sexuality. My confidence is through the roof and I've met some amazing people, who I'm not willing to cut out of my life and return to monogamy.
He agreed and talked openly for the first time about his own insecurities. I thought we were back on track, because the past month has been amazing. It was finally going the way I pictured it. We were telling each other about the people we're seeing, and I mentioned several times that I'd love to get to know his other girl and see if we can be friends. His jealousy dimmed down a lot and there hasn't been much drama.
Until last night...
2 things happened.
1. The girl he's been seeing apparently doesn't know he has a girlfriend. She thinks we broke up but are still living together because of the house we bought. He wants to pursue this thing with her, but he doesn't know how to recover from this lie. It made me question a lot of things about his committment to our relationship. He must have known she'd find out eventually, unless he doesn't actually see us staying together in the long run anyway.
2. I spent last night with a guy I've been seeing for a while. My boyfriend hasn't met him and has no desire to, but last night when he dropped me off at home, my boyfriend looked out the window to get a glimpse of him. As soon as I came through the door, I could sense his bad mood. He was ice cold again. He started commenting on the other guy's appearance, said that he couldn't believe I was sleeping with someone who was that much uglier than him, and that the fact I would settle for someone that unattractive made him feel repulsed by me. Then he proceeded to tell me he's falling in love with that other girl and wants her to become his main girl. I went to bed, blocking the conversation because there's no way to talk to someone when they are acting like this. He sent me a text a few minutes later, breaking up with me. I went over to him to talk about things, find out if he was serious. He said he was, that he was over me, had no feelings left for me at all. I went back to bed, where I broke down in tears. He followed me, and suddenly claimed that he didn't want to break up at all. He was just testing me to know if I still cared about him.
So here I am. Loving my new life, enjoying the opportunities that arise. But every time I let my guard down for a moment, he seems to want to drag me down.
I'd prefer to continue this relationship, because I love him very much. Any advice on how to talk to him about this and handle his behaviour would be much appreciated. But any insight on the long term potential is also welcome.
I'm new to this forum. This is my first post, so bear with me.
Short history of my dating life so far.
Had my first boyfriend at age 16, and I was in a very traditional, monogamous relationship with him for 5 years. I had no idea anything other than this was possible, or hadn't given it much thought. We were both virgins when we met, so obviously the sex wasn't great to begin with. However, I grew, matured and learned and wanted to explore new things. He didn't. Eventually we broke up (for unrelated reasons), and I spent 9 months being single. I was getting over the break-up and uninterested in dating at that time.
Fast forwards, 9 months later. I met a new guy, my current boyfriend. He was the one who first introduced me to the concept that there might be more than monogamy out there. At that time I just wasn't ready for something like that. I had only ever been with 1 guy before him, and my self esteem was too low to be able to handle competing with other women for his affection (how it felt at the time). But I was intruiged, and fascinated by this new way of thinking. We (i.e. he) dated others for the first year and a half of our relationship, but I eventually made it clear that I needed monogamy for the time being. However, I knew that eventually there would probably come a time when I'd like to explore my sexuality, and I was happy to know that if that time came, i'd be with a guy who'd be open for that, and would give me the freedom to explore. After all, I let him do his thing for 18 months without restrictions. I handled the jealousy and insecurity on my own and didn't burden him with it.
Right now we've been together for 6 years. We own a house together and plan on having a family one day. I'm 28, he's 29. Throughout the relationship he put the open relationship back on the table multiple times, saying he'd love for me to reconsider. I always promised him that if one day I felt secure and confident enough, and I felt that our relationship was strong enough, I'd gladly allow him to date others again. And about 6 months ago, I felt as if I was ready. Mostly because we as a couple were getting stuck in a rut, hardly having sex anymore. For the first time, I realised that having an open relationship could benefit me as well. It wasn't just about him having his freedom, I could date as well, explore new things, experience new people.
I told my boyfriend about how I was feeling and said I was on board. I thought this would be something that brought us closer together. I pictured us having new relationships, bringing people home, being one big happy family. Suddenly however, everything seemed to change. He became cold, distant and cynical towards me. Whenever I go out on a date, he gives me the cold shoulder for hours or sometimes days after. He's incredibly hypocritical about all of it. He insists on reading my text messages to other men, but won't allow me near his own phone. When he reads the messages (I don't allow this anymore now, but at the start I did), he gets angry at the things I write and gives me a bunch of rules on what I'm allowed to talk about. He finds silly excuses to be angry at me (like wearing a pair of earrings he gave me to a date, or wearing his favourite dress with someone else). He wouldn't let me have anyone over at our house, which I thought was fair until he insisted on having his dates over and even telling me to make sure I'm gone so he has the place to himself. He called me a slut several times. He's big on communication and transparancy from my side, letting him know where I am and what I'm doing, with who, when I'm coming home. But he sometimes spends the night away without getting in touch at all.
About a month ago, we had a big fight, almost broke up (my initiative), and I told him that the only condition for getting back on track is that the drama needs to end. At this point, I've re-discovered myself and my sexuality. My confidence is through the roof and I've met some amazing people, who I'm not willing to cut out of my life and return to monogamy.
He agreed and talked openly for the first time about his own insecurities. I thought we were back on track, because the past month has been amazing. It was finally going the way I pictured it. We were telling each other about the people we're seeing, and I mentioned several times that I'd love to get to know his other girl and see if we can be friends. His jealousy dimmed down a lot and there hasn't been much drama.
Until last night...
2 things happened.
1. The girl he's been seeing apparently doesn't know he has a girlfriend. She thinks we broke up but are still living together because of the house we bought. He wants to pursue this thing with her, but he doesn't know how to recover from this lie. It made me question a lot of things about his committment to our relationship. He must have known she'd find out eventually, unless he doesn't actually see us staying together in the long run anyway.
2. I spent last night with a guy I've been seeing for a while. My boyfriend hasn't met him and has no desire to, but last night when he dropped me off at home, my boyfriend looked out the window to get a glimpse of him. As soon as I came through the door, I could sense his bad mood. He was ice cold again. He started commenting on the other guy's appearance, said that he couldn't believe I was sleeping with someone who was that much uglier than him, and that the fact I would settle for someone that unattractive made him feel repulsed by me. Then he proceeded to tell me he's falling in love with that other girl and wants her to become his main girl. I went to bed, blocking the conversation because there's no way to talk to someone when they are acting like this. He sent me a text a few minutes later, breaking up with me. I went over to him to talk about things, find out if he was serious. He said he was, that he was over me, had no feelings left for me at all. I went back to bed, where I broke down in tears. He followed me, and suddenly claimed that he didn't want to break up at all. He was just testing me to know if I still cared about him.
So here I am. Loving my new life, enjoying the opportunities that arise. But every time I let my guard down for a moment, he seems to want to drag me down.
I'd prefer to continue this relationship, because I love him very much. Any advice on how to talk to him about this and handle his behaviour would be much appreciated. But any insight on the long term potential is also welcome.
