Looking into poly

openbj

openbj

New member
I am looking into going poly with my husband, Eric. I'm more mono and he's more poly. We are both Christians. Through the studies I've done lately and the questions that Eric and I have produced to ourselves over the years, I have come to the conclusion that it is not a sin for him to be poly.

Sadly, I have fought with him over and over through the years, trying to make him mono. But it's not who he is, and I now understand that. I was raised in the Bible Belt of the US, so it has taken me a lot to get there. Unfortunately, it has caused pain getting there. But I do believe that I am now ready to move forward.

Eric would really like for me to be more poly and even join him for threesomes. I'm getting there, but that one is taking a bit longer. Eric is the only man I have ever been with sexually. I have never been with a female, but I really think that I can do this.

All my Bible studies show me that it's not a sin. It's just my own mind and upbringing that I'm having to conquer. Time for the pain to stop and for the freedom and happiness to begin!!!
 
There is a section here for spirituality and poly if you would like to search for like-minded people there in terms of your religious beliefs. Or perhaps there is a thread there that inspires. :) Good luck...
 
Welcome, openbj.

I also was raised in the Bible Belt. Allow me to offer some suggestions as you get started.

1) Eric loves you very much.
No matter who else is in his life, you are always important to him. If his experience has been anything like mine, opening up to you about how his heart beats was likely very stressful. He's putting a bit if faith in you that you'll love him, when we know many others would judge him (fairly or otherwise).

2) He asks you to try the poly life because he wants to share that joy with his beloved.
Poly life isn't all flowers and satin though. You will need each other's guidance and counsel to find good paths for the two of you and any new partners. Be glad he wants you nearby, support his choices, and don't be shy about raising concerns.

3) He is who he is, and you are who you are.
You may find that Eric having another partner is wonderful for you. You may find the other partner is not your thing. Either one is ok. Either may depend on the new partner. Just as he is not wrong for having a poly heart, you are not wrong for having a poly or mono one. You can love each other just as much, regardless.

4) Allow yourself to be bold.
How awesome is it that you're a Christian woman embracing your husband as He made him? Cool, huh? You can do awesome things. That means you can also challenge some of the notions you've seemingly always had about love. You might find that a female partner can relate to you in ways that deepen your feeling. You might find another male partner can highlight ways in which you and your husband are special. Be home and try out this new freedom you share.

5) Be supportive.
Being poly is hard. Luckily, we try to have many folks around to lend support. :) However, no one's support is more important than a wife's. You don't have to be poly if your heart is not built that way, but your acceptance of his poly nature means the world.

If you're really working on #4 (being bold), you might consider asking hubby who he has in mind as potentials. Talk with him about how they fit in with your lives and what you'd each like from them. You might even suggest that the two of you talk to the potential together in offering an opening. It reaffirms your togetherness and mutual support.

Best of luck, and peace be unto you both! *hug*
 
Hello. Just wanted to say you don't have to rush things. Take it as slowly as you need.

Please keep in mind:
Threesomes are not a requirement to live polyamorously, neither is being bisexual.
Does he want you to be with a woman, but not with another man?
How would he feel if you had another male lover? Have you discussed this?
There is a thread (sticky note) here with recommended books to read, some of which might help you both ask questions you may not have thought of, and to formulate what you would need from being polyamorous.

Only do and participate in what feels right for you. Don't set aside your own needs just because you think it will make Eric happy. You have to be comfortable and explore your sexuality for yourself, and no one else. A marriage is a partnership of individuals, after all. Be true to yourself.

Welcome to the forum.
 
Last edited:
nycindie said:
Hello. Just wanted to say you don't have to rush things.

Please keep in mind: Threesomes are not a requirement to live polyamorously; neither is being bisexual. Does he want you to be with a woman but not with another man? How would he feel if you had another male lover? Have you discussed this? There is a thread (sticky note) somewhere here with recommended books to read, some of which might help you both ask questions you may not have thought of, and to formulate what you would need from being polyamorous.

Only do and participate in what feels right for you, and don't set aside your own needs for your husband just because you think it will make him happy -- you have to be comfortable and explore your sexuality for you and no one else. A marriage is a partnership of individuals, after all. Be true to yourself.
Click to expand...

Thanks! Yes, we have discussed male/female. He would like for me to have a threesome with both. He would like a FMF experience and an MFM experience with me. He actually talks about the MFM more than the FMF.

He's very good about taking things at a pace that is comfortable for me. So, no worries about rushing. If I'm uncomfortable with something, he always takes a step back and brings things back to comfortable.
 
sagency said:
Welcome, openbj.

I also was raised in the Bible Belt. Allow me to offer some suggestions as you get started.

1) Your husband loves you very much.
No matter who else is in his life, you are always important to him. If his experience has been anything like mine, opening ho to you about how his heart beats was likely very stressful. He's putting a lit if faith in you that you'd love him when we know many others would judge him (fairly or otherwise).

2) He asks you to try the poly life because he wants to share that joy with his beloved.
Poly life isn't all flowers and satin though. You will need each other's guidance and counsel to find good paths for the two of you and any new partners. Be glad he wants you nearby, support his choices, and don't be shy about raising concerns.

3) He is who he is, and you are who you are.
You may find that another partner is wonderful. You may find another partner is not your thing. Either one is ok. Either may depend on the partner. Just as he is not wrong for having a poly heart, you are not wrong for having a poly or mono one. You can live each other just as much regardless.

4) Allow yourself to be bold.
How awesome is it that you're a Christian woman embracing your husband as His made him? Cool, huh? You can do awesome things. That means you can also challenge some if the notions you've seemingly always had about love. You might find that a female partner can relate to you in ways that deepen your feeling. You might find another make partner can highlight ways in which you and your husband are special. Be home and try out thus new freedom you share.

5) Be supportive.
Being poly is hard. Luckily, we try to have many folks around to lend suport. ;-) Hiwever, noone's support is more important than a wife's. You don't have to be poly if your heart is not built that way, but your acceptance of his poly nature means the world.
If you're really working on #4 (being bold), you might consider asking hubby who he has in mind as potentials. Talk with him about how they fit in with your lives and what you'd each like from them. You might even suggest that the two of you talk ti the potential together in offering an opening (it reaffirms your togetherness and mutual support).

Best of luck, and peace be unto you both! *hug*
Click to expand...


Thank you! That's some great information. It's been a difficult road overcoming some of the mental ideals, but I'm getting there.
 
nycindie said:
Is that what you want?
Click to expand...

Like I said in my original post, I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there. He's not being pushy about it, but we do discuss it. He asks me how I see things going if we did, how things would play out for me to be comfortable, etc. They're good conversations that allow me to see things and play them out in my head before I commit to something, so that way I know exactly where I stand.
 
openbj said:
Like I said in my original, I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there. He's not being pushy about it, but we do discuss it.
Click to expand...
My point is you don't ever have to get there, or feel that you should. It sounds like, though he's not being pushy, it's what Eric wants more than you do.

There is no need for you to push yourself, either, to get past your own wants and desires in order to do this "right." As a couple, you don't have to have threesomes, you don't have to be into the same things, and you don't have to try anything that goes against what makes you comfortable just to please your partner.

But I'll stop now, since this is an introduction thread, and just welcome you again. As you explore and have questions, please share on the forum!

Also, see if Eric would like to register here and post. It's always good when both partners in a relationship post their own perspectives.
 
nycindie said:
My point is you don't ever have to get there or feel that you should. It sounds like, though he's not being pushy, that's what your husband wants more than you do. There is no need for you to push yourself, either, to get past your own wants and desires in order to do this "right." As a couple you don't have to have threesomes, you don't have to be into the same things, and you don't have to try anything that goes against what makes you comfortable just to please your partner.
Click to expand...

Yes, it is something that he desires. But it is also something I desire to discover about myself. I don't know if I would like it or not. I've never taken part in a threesome. I don't really have an opinion about whether I like it or not. I am pushing myself to discover my likes and dislikes. I believe that is a very healthy thing to do. Otherwise, you just sit stagnant and could be missing out on a lot of fun. So, while yes, it is his desire, it is more my desire to discover things about myself. Only then can I say I know where I stand on an issue, or know what I enjoy.
 
openbj, you said you were a virgin when you got married. How old are you now, if I may ask? How old is he? Has he had several partners and group sex before?

I can see why, if you've only had one partner your whole life, you're eager to try sex with a partner of either gender, even if it's in a threeway with your husband. I've been friends with a Christian woman, who married as a virgin, who used to tell me she always thought she had missed out. Finally, in her 50s, she had a 5-year affair, but is still happily married.
 
I'm 30 and he's 31. We've been married for 12 1/2 years. He was not a virgin when we got married. His high school years were filled with the life of multiple partners and dates. Even being married, he has still had other partners and relationships. But for me, he's the only one ever. I made out with my share of boyfriends in school, but I never did anything further than that. I wouldn't even let them touch me.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top