polywannacrackeryo
Member
I could really use some advice, guys. Really going to try to give you the CliffNotes version of everything. A few months ago, I ended a 12-year relationship. Though we were mono for most of that time, we’d both had positive poly experiences in the past. We are trying to keep things amicable as we move forward.
I know that I’m still healing from the breakup and wasn’t actively looking for anything. However, a triad has organically formed between me and a married couple (who happen to be long-time friends of mine). Out of the three of us, two of us have poly experience. The presumed monogomous partner is actually the one who expressed an interest in starting this type of relationship, so she’s learning to navigate poly for the first time. Our relationship has been going on for about three months. We are already living together because it just seemed like the natural thing. (Anyone else, and I wouldn’t have agreed to move in so quickly. It’s just that these are some of my best friends, and we’ve always spent a lot of time together anyway.) We mesh together so well. Because we’ve known each other for years, it’s wonderful to be able to love each other on this brand new level. The dynamic is other-worldly and quite amazing.
The only problem is that I’m starting to become less attracted to one of my partners. The thing that makes me upset most of all, is that there’s no reason for me to feel this way. She is perfectly lovely. She’s attentive, she’s sweet. She’s romantic. She’s emotionally in-tune. That being said, it all feels a bit much to me. She is constantly smothering me. Always wants to be sitting next to me, touching me, kissing me…. And don’t get me wrong… I’m an affectionate person. Physical touch is one of my love languages. But over the past three weeks or so, I almost feel revulsion toward her. I noticed that her teeth have plaque buildup on them, and it’s a huge turn off. She brushes her teeth… she just has a fear of the dentist so it’s been years since she’s had a cleaning. I know this makes me sound completely vain and material… and I hate it. I want so badly to be attracted to her. But lately I’ve noticed my attraction for her has taken a nosedive.
I try to be self-aware, and have been thinking of the reasons this could be happening. I know that I fear losing my independence. One of the benefits of ending my long-term relationship was having some time to myself. And my new partners respect my time… it’s not like they don’t want me to have alone time. But still, I fear losing my independence. Some days I wake up and think, “This is what my life is going to be like from here on out.” Sometimes it gives me joy, and sometimes it strikes terror in my heart. I also recognize that I have a fear of abandonment. So self-sabotage could be one way that I’m avoiding intimacy. I really don’t know what to make of it all.
The bottom line is, my attraction for one partner is steadfast and seems to be growing each day as I learn more about her. My attraction for the other partner is waning, and waning fast. These are wonderful friends and salt-of-the-earth people. And it's definitely not an option to date one and not the other. This is definitely a package deal. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings at all. I don’t want to mess up a good thing. But if this keeps up, I’m going to build up a resentment toward her that she simply doesn’t deserve. She is an amazing human who deserves the best this world can offer.
What do you think? Is it possible to rekindle attraction if I’m already losing it after three months? Thanks in advance for any advice!
I know that I’m still healing from the breakup and wasn’t actively looking for anything. However, a triad has organically formed between me and a married couple (who happen to be long-time friends of mine). Out of the three of us, two of us have poly experience. The presumed monogomous partner is actually the one who expressed an interest in starting this type of relationship, so she’s learning to navigate poly for the first time. Our relationship has been going on for about three months. We are already living together because it just seemed like the natural thing. (Anyone else, and I wouldn’t have agreed to move in so quickly. It’s just that these are some of my best friends, and we’ve always spent a lot of time together anyway.) We mesh together so well. Because we’ve known each other for years, it’s wonderful to be able to love each other on this brand new level. The dynamic is other-worldly and quite amazing.
The only problem is that I’m starting to become less attracted to one of my partners. The thing that makes me upset most of all, is that there’s no reason for me to feel this way. She is perfectly lovely. She’s attentive, she’s sweet. She’s romantic. She’s emotionally in-tune. That being said, it all feels a bit much to me. She is constantly smothering me. Always wants to be sitting next to me, touching me, kissing me…. And don’t get me wrong… I’m an affectionate person. Physical touch is one of my love languages. But over the past three weeks or so, I almost feel revulsion toward her. I noticed that her teeth have plaque buildup on them, and it’s a huge turn off. She brushes her teeth… she just has a fear of the dentist so it’s been years since she’s had a cleaning. I know this makes me sound completely vain and material… and I hate it. I want so badly to be attracted to her. But lately I’ve noticed my attraction for her has taken a nosedive.
I try to be self-aware, and have been thinking of the reasons this could be happening. I know that I fear losing my independence. One of the benefits of ending my long-term relationship was having some time to myself. And my new partners respect my time… it’s not like they don’t want me to have alone time. But still, I fear losing my independence. Some days I wake up and think, “This is what my life is going to be like from here on out.” Sometimes it gives me joy, and sometimes it strikes terror in my heart. I also recognize that I have a fear of abandonment. So self-sabotage could be one way that I’m avoiding intimacy. I really don’t know what to make of it all.
The bottom line is, my attraction for one partner is steadfast and seems to be growing each day as I learn more about her. My attraction for the other partner is waning, and waning fast. These are wonderful friends and salt-of-the-earth people. And it's definitely not an option to date one and not the other. This is definitely a package deal. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings at all. I don’t want to mess up a good thing. But if this keeps up, I’m going to build up a resentment toward her that she simply doesn’t deserve. She is an amazing human who deserves the best this world can offer.
What do you think? Is it possible to rekindle attraction if I’m already losing it after three months? Thanks in advance for any advice!