Lost and confused...am I a Poly?

L

LostinTbay

New member
Hello all. First. Thank you for your interest in my personal conflict. I admit, I would not normally be as open or forward like this, but I feel I just dont have any other options. I have gone thru a recent death close to me,(grandfather) which has caused me much internal reflection. Something I really haven't done for along time. I do apologize if this seems to go on and on. I m still trying to piece things together.

For the Past 7 years i have been in a closed relationship with my wife (no papers), and we have 2 great kids together. As with any relationship, it has had its share of rough patches. But we have managed to work thru them. Or so I believe. I guess we have been on auto pilot for a while though. And this recent shake to my core has me questioning our connection. I love my wife more then anything..but. I realize that I have forceful excluded my self from friends, and society with her..And we just live out our routine. Now, there are some health reasons(arthritis) why my wife and I don't share the same bond I believe we once had. Or so I thought. I love my wife, and though there have been passes made, neither of us has cheated. But it has been hard for myself. Successful though I have been. I feel longing for connections.

I have recently become reconnected with an old friend. (14 years) I had dated her a very long time ago, and the physical relationship ended only because we moved away from each other. I think we agreed on an open relationship at that time. Based on the possibility we may meet again the next year. That was the second year we known each other for. The first year I was with another girl. We mostly kept in contact ever since. She has always been there. And I for her. For the last 5 years we have had no contact. Undoubtly because of my monogamist isolation. Well, we have since chatted daily, for 2 weeks and it feels like I m in Love again? She finishes my thoughts it seems. She can tell my mood better then my wife!! WTH? But. I dont feel any different about my wife.

Actually, it REALLY REALLY makes me want to better the relationship I have with her!! We were so close. WE talked all the time. But then again, we got together out of HORRID relationships. Hers beat her and put her in hospital. Mine screwed with half the city behind my back for a year... and we found our connection effortless. I will also admit. During this time we did lots of illicit drugs. Tons. A bender of bender that lasted months. We worked to support our habit. Then we got pregnant! Uh Oh! we dropped the rock and cut clean and never looked back. Walked away from all our friends in that scene and moved!! We countered with marijuana and continue to this day. Though I am not diagnosed. My wife uses it to manage her Personality Disorder and her OCD. And it works wonders!

But this other woman. OMG. She gives me butterflies. toe tingles. All the things I remember Love was like. In the beginning at least. Yet this is profoundly different then a first meeting love struck scenario. Its deep. and well rooted. I am not supposed to be able to do that!! I have day dreams of her. seeing her again. I have had a recurring fantasy of going on a date with her, and both our spouses know..it never actually ends in anything..

I started thinking.. Most of my earlier relationships that went south, usually happen because of someone else. I would become attracted to. But I never seemed to lose my love for the current girlfriend. In fact, like now. It made me want to better the current involvement, Felt like it gave me more love to give. yet still become closer to that second love interest..In fact, I have reason to believe that I may still hold deep feeling for one of my former loves.
I thought back farther..pre dating.. My dreams really focused around having multiple partners and loving connections...?? WTH?

Going back to the begging of me. I was adopted. By my would have been great aunt, but she divorced out and remarried. So I was kept close to the birth family in some respects. MY grandparents. My cousins and aunt. Other then that...I really cant say I had that bad of a childhood. But it was not an affectionate one. Nore a very loving one..MY father left when i was 10. So I learned about girls and love from myself it seems..MY mother though she tried, still tires. Just cannot connect with me...Maybe why I seeked connections to others?

I stumbled across an article about Polyamory. Whats this? I read into it. "holy Geez" I thought. this really FEELS like it fits with how I FEEL about others, intimacy and Love. OH shit. Am I actually a poly? I kept thinking about it. I looked up more. Read article after article...shit. This seems to fit my past just way too well. This seems to explain my current situation with my past love and my current wife. After all this time.. I seem to have found something that describes me?

I asked my lost love what she thought of it. She said she was not poly. But she is "open with those I trust". I m very sure that there will be no serious romantic pursuit there. She is married with kids herself.
I asked my long lost bro. What his thoughts where of poly. and if he thought I might relate. as well as pick my brain of other things. He answered as a monogamist man would. He tried to understand how I felt that when I love someone, I can also love someone else equally without it deflating the first. I know this as I was for sure in love with someone I was not with. and had not been for years. To this day. I question what I face to face encounter would be like with her.
He said I am basically emotionally run. I am Tempestuous he said. I feel things very deeply it seems..

MY cousin..unknown to me has been in many polyamory arrangements. "oh really?" But, she has mental instability, so most of what she says you need a fair amount of salt with. She was not much help. Just reinforced my confused thoughts over how I love my wife, but am reawakening? I m not sure what the word to use would be for that love I have for my lost love. I m still determining it. But it seems to be a good portion of romantic thrown in. I m so confused.
Please. I m not sure if I am poly..or just struck with grief, or wanting an out to my current circumstances.. Any advice would help. Any thing I forgot. Feel free to ask. Thank you.
Lost and Confused in the Bay of Thunder
 
I am sorry you struggle. I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandfather. :(

FWIW? Here's the highlights that pop out at me.

  • Your grandfather just died. You are in deep grief and feeling reflective/introspective.
  • You have come to realize that and your wife have been in a rut and living in isolation/lonely.
  • To combat lonely, you have been talking DAILY with an ex for the last two weeks.
    • As a result, she can tell your current mood better than your wife can right now.
    • Also as a result, you are kinda having a crush on her again.
  • You want to improve things with wife. You haven't been talking deeply with her in a while.
  • You've discovered "poly" as a concept and had a lightbulb moment.
  • You feel weird having feelings for the ex and your wife and wonder if you are poly.
    • You asked some relatives about it.
    • You asked ex about it. Ex is not poly, but says she could be Open with those she trusts.

Is wife aware these are the thoughts in your head? The grief/ introspection/am I poly things?

Is wife aware this daily chatting with the ex is going on? Is this beginning of an emotional affair for you? Would wife consider this cheating? Be careful you are not on a slippery slope.

It's fine to have friends, and it's fine to have crushes while married, but keep your wife in the loop.

I suggest...

  • You slow it down, and do nothing about polyamory except maybe read about it until you are actually done grieving your grandfather. Grief is not a good time to be taking on potentially life changing decisions. Judgement can be impaired when clouded by grief. If reading about poly only serves to confuse you in your grief? Don't even do that. Shelve it to read about later.
  • Keep the friendship with the ex FRIENDS and keep your nose clean there.
  • Start talking to your wife more since you want to try to better the relationship with her.
  • Try to get out and make some more friends or volunteer -- you seem really lonely and seem to crave connections.
  • Get a grief counselor or grief support group if you need help processing the grief.

In short, deal with one thing at a time here. And the grief came first, so process that first.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss of you grandfather. You have my sympathies.

Galagirl
 
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Even perfect relationships get destroyed by polyamory. Relationships with cracks always do.

Of course the reappearance of your ex is going to set off butterflies and etc. She is new and shinny. She isn't tainted by the drag of daily life. You're twitterpated eye ball deep in NRE.

Unless you are willing to lose your family and home life do not being polyamory into a broken relationship. Fix your marriage or leave it. Do not start an affair emotional or otherwise or think about trying poly until you do.
 
You sound like you have lots going on and lots to think about.

It is really up to you if you want to be poly or not. People choose to do it all the time - and feel that their lives are better for doing so. Equally people choose not to do so all the time - and feel that their lives are better for doing so. It's a very individual decision.

I'm curious. Given the isolation you describe, what makes you think that you would be able to keep two relationships going? You describe yourselves as lacking friends. If dealing with life has left you unable to maintain friendships, what has changed now about your social skills that would allow you to maintain multiple romantic relationships?
 
Hi LostinTbay,

It may be that you are partly inclined towards polyamory, and partly inclined towards monogamy. How much of each it is hard to say. The point is, you don't necessarily *have* to roll either way.

Before you give polyamory a try, if that's what you decide to do, you need to get your wife's consent. I am assuming you don't want to break up with your wife. Also if you want to try polyamory with your old friend, she needs to get her husband's consent as well.

I know that's a tall order, but it has to be done. Polyamory can't be done behind one's spouse's back; that would be cheating. The only other way around that is to start with divorce, but I don't encourage you to quickly or easily take that route.

I think right now my advice would be to take awhile before deciding. I encourage you to do more reading and posting on this forum. Find out how other people make poly work, and what the pitfalls are.

Good luck and keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am new the this forum as well and when I opened this thread I thought "I'll read it but can't offer any advise since I'm new and not officially poly." Turns out I was wrong.

Someone gave the advice not to rush into it and to read about and educate yourself on the polyamory world. I'm in that phase now, which is why I am a member here. I too have a friend who I've developed feelings for, but this had been developing over the course of a few years (texting regularly). There has never been any romance there, and never will be, but it opened my eyes to the idea that someone can be in love with more than one person. Some people just have more love to give. And some just need more love.

Something you said resonated with me about my own health issues and not feeling like I get the support I need from my wife. I have MS, and while I don't have serious symptoms or struggles with it, I often don't feel like I can lean on her when I need it. This may ba a big motivator behind my wanting to build an additional network of love and support.

I haven't crossed over from monogamy into polyamory yet, but I refuse to do anything without the full and honest consent of my wife, my partner in life, and the mother of my children. I love her and want to grow old with her and will not jeopardize that. She is not as open to the notion of polyamory as I am, but we are talking about it and I am slowly whittling her down ;-). Our lives and schedule are too chaotic to make big changes now, but one day it won't be.

I've read somewhere that some people are "wired" for polyamory and some are not. I believe I am, but that's an assessment coming from someone who has never been in a poly relationship (yet). What's funny is one aspect of my life adds evidence to the theory that I am one of those who is wired for it. I'm a car guy who tends to develop strong emotional attachments to my cars. It's silly, I know. But I have 7 cars that each hold a special place in my stable. I've started calling myself "poly-automotive" :). And no, I don't equate human relationships to material possessions like cars, but I thought it was funny when I made that connection.

I'm sure none of this made any sense in the context of your original post, but needless to say, I feel your pain!
 
The main thing I want to address is your question of "Am I a poly?"...I don't think that anyone is 100% polyamorous or not. I think that there are those of us who are capable of it, and those who simply can't function that way. And then out of that group of people who could comfortably do polyamorous relationships, there are those who choose to, and those who do not...and then to narrow it down even further, there are those who decide that it's definitely for them, and set out to live that way indefinitely.

But if you're already in a relationship, and considering another person, it isn't fair to just "come out as poly" and declare that it IS WHAT YOU ARE and that your existing significant other (wife) just has to learn to cope. I see a ton of threads where people either cheated and used "Hey, I'm poly" as an excuse, or their spouse did that. It is hurtful and wrong and unfair. Your spouse didn't sign up to be a polyamorous person. So you have to weigh what is important to you, and either way, you should be honest with your partner and have talks about it.

One of the sad effects of many monogamous people's mindsets is that they are basically brought up with the thinking that if their partner wants someone else, then their partner doesn't love them anymore, or never did, or what have you. That they are "losing" in the deal. So in many marriages, it would hurt your partner to even say, "Hey...look...I've been talking to this ex and I think I might want to try a polyamorous relationship." Most mono folk would find that hard to take, unless they are exceptionally open minded. That in fact is one reason I don't think I'll ever agree to a monogamous relationship again, even if I wind up only involved with one other person. I think it's best if they know from the start that I cannot guarantee that I'll always restrict my love and intimacy to them and them alone. But it's very different to start relationships that way, as opposed to changing the terms after the ink is dry on the monogamy contract, y'know?

Also, echo the sentiment expressed by a previous poster...be mindful that you're not having an emotional affair. If you're doing something that would hurt your wife and not telling her about it, then you're treading into cheating territory. Even if you're not having sex. It's more about the deception than it is about the act. And you should not make any major life choices while under the influence of strong emotions. That includes both your grief AND your fluttery feels about your ex.

Quick question: Does the ex do hard drugs? I just ask because you left that in your past, and she is part of your past, popping up in your present. If she does, that's an easy answer: STAY THE HECK AWAY FROM HER.
 
Well, Thank you all for responding to my cry wolf. After reading your replies. And digesting for a few days, I have cooled the jets. Though I am far from a "happy" place. I am making headway. I believe. MY wife is convinced that I am depressed. She also pointed the 7 year itch phenomena. Either way. She has pretty much given me ultimatum of get ur shit together. She has stated that she not support me if i spiral into depression. No pressure right? Ha. She believes I am in very bad shape, and will not hold me hand if I fall. Which make me wonder alot of things...extra long term I mean. I am chilling it out with the Ex. still chatting. but more casual. OH. I am under the impression she does not do any hard drugs Spork. And thank you for your advice. I am on a slippery slope. I know me and my wife have issues communicating. One of my biggest problems.
And this is again why I am wondering. reflecting on previous relations. There seems to maybe an argument..problem is like i have said. I have gone out of my way to isolate myself with my wife. so there hasn't been that much love prospects encountered. We do have close friends. But living outside of town limits the the number of visits. And there is this one woman though..I have really tried my damnedest ignore her but..I find her, energy very attractive. It hard not to connect with her. She is outdoorsy, adventurous..We have known her for 4 years now..and since her b/f of 3 years left her. She has been over quite often...ok enough of her. As i didnt even mention her in my original posting. My apologies.
Like I said, my wife and I have few friends, and get to gethers aren't that frequent.
Ginger. I really appreciate the take with the cars..I do happen to have items that I feel deeply for.
Thank you Galagirl. Your reasoning made heartful sense to me. I m not sure what is going to happen with us. But I will hang around. This community is wonderful. And I do see why you all are making the define of poly very clear... open and honest with all parties. I just wish I had been introduced to this concept...when I stated dating?!?.. I dont know if fit the bill or not. That is a subject I must review in the future when things have settled. unless it becomes clear during.
 
Though I am far from a "happy" place. I am making headway. I believe. MY wife is convinced that I am depressed. She also pointed the 7 year itch phenomena. Either way. She has pretty much given me ultimatum of get ur shit together. She has stated that she not support me if i spiral into depression. No pressure right? Ha. She believes I am in very bad shape, and will not hold me hand if I fall.
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Have you had a check up? And mentioned grief/depression to your doc? Did you get a depression dx?

Is there something more going on than you grieving the death of your grandfather? What does your wife mean "get your shit together?"

I could see wife hitting her limit of tolerance and no longer wanting to deal with you and your depression if you are in some kind of self-destructive downward spiral where you refuse to get a check up or you refuse do your treatment plan. She doesn't have to go down with a sinking ship just to keep you company.

But if you DID get a check up and you ARE working on your treatment plan to manage depression? I think it's a bit mean for wife to say she's not going to be around to support you unless you are instantly happy or something. Some things simply take time.

What's all that about?

Galagirl :confused:
 
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Thanks for your update LostinTbay, it sounds like you are thinking things through right now.
 
LostinTbay said:
I guess we have been on auto pilot for a while . . . I realize that I have forceful excluded my self from friends, and society with her . . . And we just live out our routine. Now, there are some health reasons(arthritis) why my wife and I don't share the same bond I believe we once had . . . I feel longing for connections.
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You need to repair your relationship with your wife before you go looking elsewhere. Why on auto pilot, caught up in a mundane routine? What is missing? What do you need to do to inject more joy and excitement into what you have with your wife?

LostinTbay said:
. . . Actually, it REALLY REALLY makes me want to better the relationship I have with her!! We were so close. WE talked all the time. But then again, we got together out of HORRID relationships.
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I am confused. Are you saying you want to "better" your relationship with wife? Or are you talking about going deeper with former girlfriend?

LostinTbay said:
We worked to support our habit. Then we got pregnant! Uh Oh! we dropped the rock and cut clean and never looked back. Walked away from all our friends in that scene and moved!!
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This is very commendable. Good for you. I am sure it took a lot of hard work and will power. So I am sure you can call upon your strength and will power not to give in to temptation and cheat on your wife with former girlfriend, because that can only be a disaster.

LostinTbay said:
But this other woman. OMG. She gives me butterflies. toe tingles. All the things I remember Love was like. In the beginning at least. Yet this is profoundly different then a first meeting love struck scenario. Its deep. and well rooted. I am not supposed to be able to do that!! I have day dreams of her. seeing her again. I have had a recurring fantasy of going on a date with her, and both our spouses know..it never actually ends in anything..
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Well, what you have at home with wife is so empty and unsatisfying, it makes sense that these daydreams and flights of fancy are appealing. But they are not reality. When your attentions are on these fantasies, I suggest you shift your focus to your current relationship and see what needs attention there.

LostinTbay said:
Am I actually a poly? I kept thinking about it. I looked up more. Read article after article...shit. This seems to fit my past just way too well. This seems to explain my current situation with my past love and my current wife. After all this time.. I seem to have found something that describes me? . . . I asked my lost love what she thought of it. She said she was not poly.
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I don't believe the notion that people are poly or not. To me, the word polyamory doesn't describe people, it describes an approach or structure for relationships. It is something some people are more drawn to than others, due to a variety of factors, but I highly doubt it is some kind of orientation, personality type, or "hard wiring." A lot of people who practice poly think the same way I do. Anyway, I've often said that I think it's a useless exercise to ask oneself, "am I poly?" I think it's much more practical, useful, and beneficial to ask, "What kinds of relationships do I want in my life?"

You closed yourself off from many things in life, not just romance with your wife, so it's probably safe to assume that you also are in need of friendships and healthy social interaction as well as a sexually intimate relationship.

Motivation follows action -- you will have to make the effort to re-connect with yourself, your wife, and with friends.

LostinTbay said:
. . . reinforced my confused thoughts over how I love my wife, but am reawakening? I m not sure what the word to use would be for that love I have for my lost love. I m still determining it. But it seems to be a good portion of romantic thrown in. I m so confused.
Please. I m not sure if I am poly..or just struck with grief, or wanting an out to my current circumstances . . .
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Yes, to me it sounds like you are seeing the depth of what is lacking in your life and you are reaching for something to hold onto and pull yourself out of the muck of where you are. You sound very sad to me, and I think you are feeling loss. I don't know if you should leave your wife or try to heal the relationship, but if I were you, I would want to try whatever I could to fix things so that I could know I gave my best efforts before walking away.
 
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LostinTbay said:
She has pretty much given me ultimatum of get ur shit together. She has stated that she not support me if i spiral into depression. ....I have gone out of my way to isolate myself with my wife. so there hasn't been that much love prospects encountered. We do have close friends. But living outside of town limits the the number of visits.....my wife and I have few friends, and get to gethers aren't that frequent.
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I'm wondering what this is all about. The ins and outs with the women aside, what is going on with you that you're in a marriage like this? You fear "too much opportunity" to flirt with other women so socially isolate yourself. Your wife fears your possible depression, which it seems she has a hand in setting you up for. There's a lot happening in you and in your marriage that isn't feeling good to you. These additional women are a great distraction from all of that.
 
wow. Ya'll are a great bunch! Thanks for picking my brain. As another update. I am seeking counsel. won't start till my wife gets her lay off from work. Yes I want to repair my marriage. Problem I think will be that she is perfectly happy and content with things it seems. I have always been a very cuddly, affectionate person. She just... isn't touchy Feely.
This maybe off track, but for those who believe in zodiacs. I am a Chinese dragon. and an Aries. Coincidentally. My persona is very much reflected in those descriptions. My wife is an Ox. And a Gemini. But is very much the introvert portion. But again. striking similarities....I digress.
I been trying to share more witb my wife. I know she works slow. but I always wanna get it done. I know I can't rush things. I fear I may be making things worse as I delve my feelings with her. Unfortunately. She does suffer from BPD. Which is reason enough for not being able to support me. I have a habit of talking from the heart and it all starts to pour. She will pick things out and rip them apart. She has told me I have been miserable..this was Jan-Feb ish. I blurted out something to the effect of that I feel a little empty. not as fulfilled as I want to be? She can't fulfill me. she is not enough for me is what her reaction was. I feel I need a moderator or counselor. I have a hard enough time conveying my emotions. I don't want to hurt my wife. I just want to be a better partner for her. I need to grow I told her. She doesn't want to grow though.. I love my wife. I don't want to leave her. I want to make her happy. and I haven't been. because I need more? I feel selfish. I do.
And I will admit. In past I have unintentionally found myself falling for other ppl while I have been committed. I do not like cheaters. been victimized to much by them. My previous relationship to my wife was very volatile in the end. But I still never cheated on her. So I am proud of myself...but I still can't help but develop attaction for others. And it seems when I get NRE that gets transfered to the current relationship.. like a shared honeymoon period. Again. I have tried hard to reject this due to my commitment. So ya..being separated. .I haven't had much experiment with.
I did this over mobile. So I WI review it later and see what I can add in. Thanks again to all for the POV.
 
She does suffer from BPD. Which is reason enough for not being able to support me.
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So your relationship with your wife is at times a patient relationship, and it comes with limitations. How long has she had the dx?

Borderline is a hard one to deal with. Especially when the person becomes emotionally disregulated.

Definitely talk to a counselor on how to improve your relationship with your BPD wife, how to improve the marriage, how to make more friends and not be so isolated, and how to become less "empty." If you've been avoiding people, and shrinking yourself, or walking on eggshells so BPD wife doesn't explode? It's not surprising if you are feeling empty.

You have a lot going on. By themselves these things would be hard -- BPD wife, grief, poly light bulb moment, living in isolation, etc. But you have them all stacked up.

I hope your set up appointment goes well with the counselor and that you can make follow up appointments to make your strategy to tackle these things one at a time so you can feel better.

GL!
Galagirl
 
Thank you Gala. My wife has suffered since before we got together. But, we have lost much of the fluidity we once had. I have always had issues reading her sometimes. She has a very good poker face. And right now, I know there is stuff cooking up. But she is keeping tight lid on it. Her behaviour is triggering insecurities that I did not even know I had. Which is corrupting my judgment of the situation. Still waiting on appointment. :( so I m just trying to focus on one step at a time right now. Been browsing the many threads around here for some "light" reading. still unclear what will happen though.
 
When is your appointment?
 
Well, still haven't gone for the appointment as of yet. my wife is laid off today, so hopefully next week. she wants me to wait till after my work season so I can seriously commit to program though. and true, it will be hard if not impossible to see a therapist while I m working. We have gotten more intimate lately. which is good. we are outside doing chores together now that's it's nicer. I still talk to the EX. We will calm her Mal from now on. again. she is married, living 2000 km away. so it's just LD chats. Less heated then before. but everyday still. Another painful EX has been jn forethought as of lately too. I miss the connection from that relationship. something I just don't seem to share with my wife it seems. By the way, she says I seem to be getting better. I am just focusing on other things. we are separate on alot of things in life.. long term goals and such. I don't want her to change to suit my needs. It's just something we have to work on a bit and see if the end pictures match up or not..then decide how to continue I expect... time will tell. Thanks again all for the support and encouragement.
 
Sounds like things are going reasonably well for the moment. :)
 
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