Lost and Confused

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chilichief

New member
I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, but I'm going to give it a try. I'm also new to this so I apologize in advance if I don't use any terms correctly.

My wife and I have been married for just about 13 years. We have two great kids. I work, and my wife works from home. We have been very happy, and meet each others needs.

My wife wanted to expand her portfolio and was looking to do some volunteer work. A friend of mine has a podcast and my wife volunteered to do some work for him to help him out. My friend and I drifted apart after I took a job in a different part of the state, but caught up every once in awhile on Facebook. My wife and my friend became friends, which I'm fine with. My friend is poly, and that is a topic that comes up on his podcasts on occasion. Unbeknownst to me, he recommended she read More Than Two so she could better understand polyamory. About a month ago she came out to me as being poly, and she feels a strong need to explore it.

The past month has been hell for me. I've always dealt with issues of insecurity and low self esteem that I've been able to hide very well. I have begun seeing a therapist for these issues, and have had two sessions so far.

For the past few years I was starting to feel genuinely happy. This has brought up all my fears of rejection and unworthiness. The thought of her kissing someone else causes me physical pain. I want to be able to consent to opening our relationship, but it is incredibly painful. I also suffer from PTSD, and my I am feeling these intense emotions on a regular, cyclical basis. I have tried reading More Than Two, but have only been able to get through one chapter. It is too painful for me. I am convinced that I am mono.

A couple of weeks ago, my wife told me she's developed feelings for my friend. A few days ago, I learned that he also has feelings for my wife. I know they want to start a relationship together. I am terrified of what to do. On the one hand, I want my wife to be herself and to be happy. On the other, I do not know if I can be happy opening our relationship. If I can't handle the thought of her with someone else, how can I handle her being in a relationship with my childhood best friend?

She has told me she loves me and wants to be with me. She wants to explore being poly with me. I love my wife and want to be with her. That is what's been keeping me going. But she still needs to explore this. She is excited about exploring this with me, but I am not excited about it.

I've looked online about poly/mono couples and it looks to be all doom and gloom. I have found a few items about mono people that are fine with poly partners, and poly people living in an exclusive relationship. I know that it is possible.

I feel like my world is falling apart. The only time I've genuinely been happy in my life is with my wife. She says I am still meeting all her needs in a relationship. Yet, I feel like I will lose her if I can't get on board with this. Is my marriage doomed? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any advice?

P.S. I have thought about if I can handle it and can be with her while she explores this. There are a different set of issues that go with that, but I feel like I could handle them if I made that decision.

Again (if anyone is still reading this), I apologize if this is not the appropriate place for this post and if I misused any terminology. I understand my wife is her own person and is free to make her own choices.
 
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Don't be so hard on yourself. Even under the best of circumstances, your wife's revelation would be difficult and this is NOT the best of circumstances!

More experienced posters should be along shortly. I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard.
 
Hi, chilichief,

Even the most die-hard poly advocates would be telling her she needs to slow down and not push for such a huge change so quickly.

That said, I'm very much of the mind that sexual behavior is a matter of behavior, not identity. We all feel and want all sorts of things. That doesn't mean we have to act on them. It doesn't mean we're entitled to act on them.

It doesn't mean you have to agree to her acting on her desires.

I have been in a situation where I had a strong and long-lasting infatuation with someone while I was married. I never would have hurt my husband by insisting I must be allowed to sleep with him exactly because it would hurt him.

She will do as she wants in the end, but don't feel you are obligated to agree to being part of it. There are a couple of threads on this topic going right now. One has 'poly-bomb' in the subject line and the other asks if it's irresponsible to....I forgot the rest of the subject line.

Maybe someone will be along to link to them, but I'm sure you can find them as they're currently near the top in either General or Relationships.
 
This is the new thread suggested earlier.

My wife wanted to be poly with a person she had already picked out from the crowd. It's hard to transition when that happens if your wife wants to go fast. Currently, it seems you want to say no or at least have a breather.

My suggestions:
1. I find More Than Two to be 1) boring in the first few chapters (gets good later, though) and 2) very idealistic, teaching a form of polyamory that is ethically sound from an experienced polyamorists' perspective. However, I found some concepts too advanced or too evolved for a beginner's mono mind like my own to accept emotionally. Thinking of co-primaries or non-hierarchical relationships from the get-go just blew my virgin mind out of the water and made me uneasy. Although I haven't read it, the book Opening Up is said to have a more wide-ranging approach that doesn't just focus on one subtype of polyamory and may be more palatable as a first step. I personally found the following links helpful. The first link inside that link explores a whole range of consensual non-monogamy options in addition to polyamory.

2. Go slow. She's surrounded herself in a world at her work that promotes polyamory. She's had time to accept and understand it. Although you've been aware of poly, it's different being up close and personal with it. My suggestion is to ask her to allow you to go slow. Point out that she's probably had feelings for this guy for a while now and has managed to sort through her emotions. Ask for an equal amount of time (or more) for you to think about this. If she's rip-roaring and ready to go poly, reinforce that you love her and are willing to renegotiate your relationship to transition from mono to poly, but not at this speed. Take all the time you need. Monogamy is predicated on a model of scarcity and time, where you need to grab the best available person in the quickest possible time, then settle for life. No need to rush into a poly relationship. There is no scarcity, he will always be available, and there is no time constraint. Right now, you need time to adjust to a potential new relationship dynamic. Go slow. I identify going too fast as the main reason why my first poly experience didn't work and why I am currently monogamous.

3. You may just prefer monogamy. Nothing wrong with that. Most of the world is monogamous. If at the end of this, monogamy is your thing, then say so. But I wouldn't declare that just yet. Take your time. Browse some resources.

4. There may be some underlying issues in your current relationship. If there are, now would be a good time to address them before adding the complexities of another relationship.

Good luck.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

I feel like my world is falling apart.
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I understand. Your wife is asking to renegotiate the terms of the monogamous marriage you signed up for. That is not what you expected.

SHORT VERSION

Even so, at its most basic, you could say "yes" or you could say "no." It's hard to feel, but the actions seem straightforward to me. She's asked for more information about your willingness/ability to go there. Fair enough. She cannot be a mind reader. You could respond with what you are up for, and what you are not up for, so she can make her next choices from a place of full info.

LONG VERSION

I've always dealt with issues of insecurity and low self-esteem that I've been able to hide very well. I have begun seeing a therapist for these issues, and have had two sessions so far.
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I am glad you are seeing a therapist. I am sorry you hid this and put off taking care of this part of yourself until now. These are things you could have attended to earlier in your life. Whether or not you and wife stay married, these are mental health things you could have attended to all along, rather than live suffering with it. :(

I get that this situation is hard. You write very clearly though.

HER

  • She has told me she loves me and wants to be with me.
  • She still needs to explore this.
    • She wants to explore being poly with me.
  • Willingness: She seems willing to go there.
  • Ability: What about her ability to go there? Does she have the skills? Or the ability to grow them?

At this point in time, she sounds willing to go there but (?) on ability.

YOU

  • I love my wife.
  • I want to be with her.
  • I want my wife to be herself and to be happy.
  • I do not know if I can be happy opening our relationship.
    • I want to be able to consent to opening our relationship, but it is incredibly painful. (<-- Points to not doing it.)
    • I am convinced that I am mono. (<-- Points to not doing it.)
  • Willingness: You do not sound willing to go there.
  • Ability: I have thought about if I can handle it and can be with her while she explores this. There are a different set of issues that go with that, but I feel like I could handle them if I made that decision.

At this point in time you are not willing to go there. You think you have the ability, but this is not your cup of tea. So even if you have the skills... why would you spend time doing something you do not really want? :confused:

I think you could be honest with your wife, return her honesty with honesty.

  • Thank her for being open and coming to you first. Tell her you appreciate it.
  • You love her and want her to be happy.
    • Tell her you are not excited about this idea for you.
      • You are monogamous. You do not want to participate in a poly network.
      • You only want to be in a 1:1 network of 2 people max.
      • So, no, you are not up for changing current agreements to explore poly.
  • If she needs this to be happy, then you are willing to bow out and disband agreements/the marriage so she can be free to explore poly cleanly.
  • If she decides she does not need this to be happy, you are willing to continue in a monogamous marriage with her.

Basically if she wants to explore poly it has to be without you. That is a road you do not want to travel.

She has to decide if her desire (to explore poly) is greater than her desire to (stay within a monogamous marriage with you.)

You might be willing to hear about her thoughts and feelings about poly. (Are you?) Then perhaps that could be enough change for her. That could be Open enough for her, so she's not bottled up, but Closed enough for you, if you guys practice a Closed model of just you two in it. No extra people.

If her poly thoughts and feelings are not something you want to hear about, or if keeping it to a two-person thing is not something she wants to do, then you both have to come to terms with the idea that you have become incompatible. You both have to be brave and change the conversation to be about a good parting of ways.

Give her time and space to digest all that when give you her honest answer back. Then wait for her decision.

I think people who are happy participating in a mono-poly thing are not monogamous-- they are monoamorous, wanting to love one sweetie only. They are flexible as to which model the relationship-shape takes. They could be happy in a monogamous model. They could be happy in an open model. For them, the model part is flexible. In participating in some kind of open/poly network, they are not in a monogamous-shaped model, and it doesn't bother them.

If the person is BOTH monoamorous (wants to love 1 sweetie) AND monogamous (only wants to participate in networks of 2 people max -- them and their sweetie), then they only want to participate in a specific kind of model. They are not flexible on the model. Them agreeing to enter into a larger network anyway is them choosing to go against their own grain.

I see that happen here sometimes because the person is trying to avoid a break up. They are not entering the new relationship model in good faith, which just adds more load to the original problems.

You seem pretty clear (albeit sad and unhappy) that participating in a poly network is not something you want for yourself. So it's not going to be her exploring poly with you. You don't want to travel that road.

She has to determine if that is a NEED or a WANT. Because if it is a need, then she could pause to let you off the bus. After that, she can drive it to wherever she wants to go.

In any relationship, you have to love yourself best. At least 51% more. You can love the other person a whole lot, even up to 49% of your love. But you have to love yourself more. That's what stops you from engaging in self-harming behavior. That's what gives you the ability to say "I love you. But no, not even for you will I do something that hurts me."

So I encourage you to be honest back and tell her what you are and are not up for. Then she can think and decide what her next choices are from a place of full information.

Galagirl
 
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Hey chilichief.

I feel your pain. It sucks, sometimes it will suck worse than others. After a while it might start to not suck so much.

First, you need to talk to your wife and get everything you're feeling out in the open. You need to discuss why you're feeling these things and get to the bottom of them. It's natural to feel insecure and scared, but maybe your wife can help ease your worries.

Second, she needs to slow wayyy the F down. It sounds like you guys have a good relationship and you both want it to work out. That means both of you will need to help each other, all of the burden should not rest on you accepting everything she wants. There needs to be compromise. I believe it will help you if she'd be willing to back off from your friend until you are better able to cope with your feelings. It is too hard to re-focus your energy when you are a bundle of emotions.

Here is what you should try to re-focus on, or at least what has helped me...

- All the good things about your relationship. They don't disappear because of this, you can still be happy together and continue to grow together.

- Nobody can replace you, or what you have with your wife.

- Your wife has been suppressing this part of herself for a long time. Just like she is asking you now to bend the shape of your relationship, and how this is hurting you... She has been doing the same for you all along, and it may have been hurting her.

- Allowing her to explore this could allow her to be more fulfilled and actually be better for you and your relationship. It can strengthen what you already have.

- She came to you with the idea before allowing anything to happen. This is not usually the case, and you should respect her for that. Being poly is built on trust and honesty, and if you are able to accept it, she is off to a good start in that department.

- Remind yourself how amazing she is, all the ways that you are compatible, and that you should feel lucky to have the love of an amazing person.

- Remind yourself that you want her to be happy. She wants to go into this together, with you. Which is more important, adhering to the strict ideals of monogamy, or building a great life with the person you love and entering a new chapter together?



I know how easy it is to feel insecure. I am going through essentially the same scenario. So I can, at least for now, be one mono person in a mono/poly marriage telling you, it doesn't have to be doom and gloom. It all depends on how you decide to handle the situation, and you have to stay positive. Talk to your wife as much as possible, do not let bad feelings fester. She needs to be just as understanding and sensitive to your feelings as she expects you to be to hers, if she wants this to work out.

And, in the end, it's important to know that there is the possibility of it not working. It's not worth one or both of you suffering perpetually just to make the relationship work. But if you believe your relationship is strong now, then it is possible, just takes some work, understanding, patience, trust, honesty, and boundaries. And lots and lots of talking.
 
Thank you all for commenting. It means a lot to know there are others out there that care enough to offer advice.

I'm trying to take my time and work on my self esteem and insecurities, but it's hard when this is all I can think about. It's killing my wife to not be able to talk to me about how excited she is about this. In the past we have always been able to share and talk. I want to break down at the mere mention of my friend's name.

There's a lot of good information here and I'm reading and rereading it to absorb it, and use what applies to my wife and me. She does feel this is a need, and has decided that she will explore it at some point. She doesn't see it as an "if" but a "when." I'm going to see my therapist tonight. Hopefully that will give me the clarity I need to absorb the information you all have given me.

If anyone else has any other advice, I'd be more than glad to hear it. Thanks again.
 
She does feel this is a need, and has decided that she will explore it at some point. She doesn't see it as an "if," but a "when."
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Well... when is the "when?" A month from now? A year? What?

It sounds like she's saying monogamous marriage as you both knew it is definitely over. That option is no longer on the table for her. She's going to drive the bus to Poly Land. What you do not know at this point in time is when the bus leaves the station.

It's on you to decide if you want to get off the bus or buy a ticket for the new trip.

It's killing my wife to not be able to talk to me about how excited she is about this, in the past we have always been able to share and talk. I want to break down at the mere mention of my friend's name.
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She's just told you she no longer wants to do monogamous marriage. Her expecting you to share in her excitement for her new trip? That's not very realistic of her.

You don't even know if you want to take this voyage with her. And whether you decide to accompany her on the bus trip or not, you are still going to have to process/mourn the loss of the previous relationship shape -- the monogamous marriage. Does she not understand that?

I hope your therapy appointment goes well. You have my sympathies.

Galagirl
 
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chilichief said:
Thank you all for commenting. It means a lot to know there are others out there that care enough to offer advice.

I'm trying to take my time and work on my self esteem and insecurities, but it's hard when this is all I can think about. It's killing my wife to not be able to talk to me about how excited she is about this, in the past we have always been able to share and talk. I want to break down at the mere mention of my friend's name.

There's a lot of good information here and I'm reading and rereading it to absorb it, and use what applies to my wife and I. She does feel this is a need, and has decided that she will explore it at some point. She doesn't see it as an "if" but a "when." I'm going to see my therapist tonight. Hopefully that will give me the clarity I need to absorb the information you all have given me.

If anyone else has any other advice I'd be more than glad to hear it. Thanks again.
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I am still new to all of this, but it sounds to me like your wife may not be thinking clearly due to her new feelings for your friend and some of the excitement stemming from that. You should try to understand that it is not just about him, it is about her need to feel free to explore her feelings with anyone. She may never be truly fulfilled by any one person, or any number of people. Try not to think of it just being about her having feeling towards him. Given time, there will be others.

I used to experience the same type of crippling pain anytime my wife's first poly crush was mentioned, the one that started it all and caused the poly bomb drop. But she's moved on, and so have I.

Try to re-focus on this being about what your wife needs to be happy, and ultimately what your relationship will need to be successful. This is very hard on you and she needs to realize that she has a lot of work to do in reassuring and helping you cope with these changes. The first thing she should be doing is backing off from your friend and re-focusing on you and your feelings for the time being.
 
Hey Chilli,

You sound like you're really trying. Your wife sounds like she's compromising by giving you the time and space to think about it, but at the same time, seems to be spending a lot of time thinking about him and witholding those thoughts from you because you have enough on your plate. I might have read your situation wrong since mine was so similar and I might be projecting my situation on you. Sorry if I am, I don't mean to insult but rather to empathise.

MockingJay has it right. I think slow down is the advice of the day. The line that I used that worked on my wife was, "I can give you polyamory, but I can't do it now, and I can't do it with this person" with whom you and he already have massive NRE. I felt that neither of them were considering me when they started 'this thing' between them during monogamy and now they wanted me to consent to 'this thing', struggling in my jealousy and insecurity, forcing a model of polyamory on me that I wasn't yet comfortable with, all within a timeframe that was impossibly short. I felt I stood to benefit the least and yet was forced to do the most work to make this happen. Intellectually, both of them seemed to understand and said "take your time" but the subtext I got was that they were ripped and ready to go. Their actions and the boundaries they were negotiating also did not match their "take your time" message. I forgive them both, but use this to highlight that NRE (or any strong emotions) can blind our rationality.

In summary, I would advise to slow down. There is probably no actual need to rush this. You and your wife have a lifetime to explore polyamory together if need be. I hope you find some of this helpful, even if it isn't all applicable. We're all here rooting for you. Good luck!
 
Hi chilichief,

It sounds like your childhood friend did not do you any favors when he introduced your wife to polyamory. :( I wonder if perhaps you are struggling to forgive him for doing that. In any case she is neck-deep in NRE, and wants to start getting involved with him right away. I am thinking you need at least a year to process all this, assuming you can ever be okay with it. And what happens if she chooses to start getting involved with your childhood friend, and you're not ready (and may never be ready)? Do you stay in the marriage and suffer in silence? Something to think about.

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position, you didn't do anything wrong. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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