Lost

just3

just3

New member
Well, after 6 months of happiness with my hubby and my bf, it's over. My bf, who has been great with everything, the past couple weeks had started to pull away. I knew it. Tried talking to him. He assured nothing was wrong, he was just busy, etc.

Last weekend, I guess he decided to help out a friend and let her move into his house. Didn't say anything to me, just gave me lies of why I could not visit. Finally Wednesday he told me, which honestly, I was fine with. Trusted his word. I have known him and my hubs since I was 14 years old. (I'm now 33. lol.)

Yesterday he finally said not everyone is ok in the kind of relationship I want. I guess what I found out in the end was, I was his dirty little secret. As long as things were hidden, it was great. But when we all went to a function a few weeks ago, my brother and lots of my friends were there, and it became not so hidden to him.

Talk about a slap in the face. I guess I never even noticed it was all so secret. I never hid it. All I could think of after this all happened (through text messages, no less) was holy crap, I was a freaking dirty little secret, someone to be ashamed of. Honestly, it felt like all I was, was a piece of arse.

I cried till my head hurt, because I love him. Always have. When all 3 of us were together, I felt complete. Maybe it's because when we were younger, I was always with them, so it's just something natural.

I feel lost right now. I feel lonely. My hubs works a lot, and it was nice to have my bf to talk to during the long days. Today I am going between being hurt, to being mad, to feeling like my heart is breaking.

I talked to hubs yesterday and told him if we ever found someone we could click with that could be his friend as well as my lover, I want to make sure I was never a secret again. Not jumping into the dating pool for a little while. And being here in Oklahoma we may never find someone again. Too many closed-minded people.

I just needed to vent and hear how people handle these kind of issues. I'm angry because my kids are upset about not seeing his son anymore, and not having them come with us places. And I couldn't even explain to them why!

I know I handled my bf bad when he tried his "I just wanna be friends" text messages. But I'm 33 and not some teen in high school. I told him no, I can't, not at this point. I let him know how hurt I am that he was ashamed of our relationship, when he knew from the very beginning and came into it all with all the facts. I'm mad that he felt the need to hide. I mean, I don't go advertising it. But I don't hide. This just sucks.
 
TY, RP. I'm sure it will get easier as time passes. At least, I hope it will.
 
I just wanted to say that I am so sorry. I can't imagine how badly you might feel right now. Feeling something is natural and positive is great. Finding out a partner isn't really committed to poly, and feels embarrassed about a relationship they had with me just because it isn't the norm... I can't imagine the pain. Sending hopeful wishes your way.
 
Anneintherain said:
I just wanted to say that I am so sorry. I can't imagine how badly you might feel right now - feeling something is natural and positive is great, finding out a partner isn't really committed to poly and feels embarrassed about a relationship they had with me just because it isn't the norm...I can't imagine the pain.
Sending hopeful wishes your way.
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I really think that's what hurts me the most. That, after all this time, and going places together, his son playing with mine. Never hiding any emotions or feelings...

Well, honestly, I should have seen it before, when they didn't go anywhere with us that anyone would know him, until that one night. And to have him tell me he loves me and misses me 10 min before he says he doesnt wanna see me anymore... it was a shocker.

I feel better today. Still a lil lost. He has been a friend for so long that it's hard not to hear from him. It's an 18-year friendship gone, on top of my lover. It was a major self-esteem blow, for sure, to have someone ashamed and embarrassed of me and mine.

Thank you for your warm fuzzy wishes. :D I'm sure that one day I will get over the pain of losing all that I did. I promise the next relationship will have to be with someone who is ok and happy in this lifestyle, if we ever find that guy that would be happy to be with us as a family, not as an in-the-closet secret.

chris
 
I can understand what you are going through, and sorry it has happened in the way it did. But maybe he was ok with the relationship. Maybe he was being honest. Maybe he wasn't even fooling himself. It might well be that at some point he started to want his own primary, or only.

You have known him, loved him, and been friends with him for 18 years. Could he have carried the lie that long? I always try to assume the best in the people I love. It doesn't change the "What happened?" part, but it might change the "What could be in the future?" part. Resentments suck the wind out of life.

I am not trying to belittle your loss. That's tough after that many years. In fact, I can't imagine it on that level.

Best of luck with the healing.

Ari
 
The lover part has only been 6 months this time. The now ex-bf was exclusive to me many years ago, before I married hubs. You're not belittling it.

Right now the hurt is fresh. I'm sure it will fade.

I appreciate everything everyone has said so far. I keep trying to look at it from an outside view, and well... that's hard for me, so I'm hearing it from you guys. Makes me feel a lot better, because maybe, just maybe, someone else's words will make me see what my broken heart hasn't, at this point. Maybe one day we will be able to be friends again, after my hurt has healed and I can see him without wanting to cry about what I lost.

Chris
 
Give it some time and space, and then start trying to rekindle the friendship, once some of the sting has gone out of the breakup. You have 18 years worth of history to rebuild a friendship on.
 
There is a big difference between being ashamed/embarrassed of someone and being ashamed/embarrassed about a situation. From what I can tell it is not you that he had the problem with, it was the relationship dynamic. It's easy for me to say "Don't take it personally" (because I am often very Vulcan in how I see things), but please keep my comment in mind. Use it as a mantra-- "It was not me, it was the situation." Remove your self doubt from the real issue. Your boyfriend wants a more conventional arrangement.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
There is a big difference between being ashamed/embarrassed of someone, and being ashamed/embarrassed about a situation. From what I can tell, it is not you that he had the problem with, it was the relationship dynamic. It's easy for me to say "Don't take it personally" (because I am often very Vulcan in how I see things), but please keep my comment in mind. Use it as a mantra-- "It was not me, it was the situation." Remove your self doubt from the real issue. Your boyfriend wants a more conventional arrangement.
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I agree totally with Mono here. Don't confuse his reaction over navigating in the current culture to his feelings about you. Cultural pressure is a tremendously powerful thing. It shapes our every decision. It hinders us from living our lives the way our hearts would dictate. Sometimes that saves our lives. Other times it wrecks it.

If possible, I'd try to keep the lines of communication open. Yeah, it will take a while for the hurt to heal some, but it will. By keeping the lines open you won't close the door to the future.

Life is funny. Tomorrow is always another day we can't see.
 
Thanks for putting it in that perspective. I have been sitting here beating myself up over what (you're right) is the situation, not me. The communication lines between us are closed right now because of me being my typical defensive self. Maybe one day I can open them back up and at least not lose the friendship part.

It will just be different, and hard to get used to. Maybe it will happen. I know right now he won't answer me when I try to talk to him, so maybe he needs to work out whatever is going on with him too.

You guys are awesome. Thank you so much, Mono, for saying it the way you did. That really does make me feel so much better and makes me not wanna berate myself over the could've/should've BS. :)

Chris
 
It's been awhile

This past year has been a long stressful one. I think the last time I really posted was a year ago, when the hubs lied. After that, it all went downhill.

To kinda recap... Hubs started a yo-yo effect, where he was ok, then not, then ok, then not. Working long days and taking the stress out on me and the kids. And then he decided he would do something he said he wouldn't. When caught, he lied to my face. Trust was shattered.

It got worse. Hubs decided, rather than talk, he would just remain silent. After a couple months of trying to get him to talk to me and explain, I gave up.

Fast forward 8 months. It was our 13-year wedding anniversary. I was miserable and thinking it was time for me to finally throw in the towel. He decided that he was going to take me out for our anniversary, after not speaking to me for 8 months. I was having no part of it. To me, I was just like, there was no way I was going to dinner with a guy who'd had nothing to do with me or his kids for 8 months, hadn't said hi, bye, kiss my arse, nothing... I canceled all his plans, and let him know I was done with him and the bull.

I think that's when he realized how long it had been, and that I had no energy left, and when he decided he would do anything it takes to fix things. The day after our anniversary (when he WANTED to go out), my youngest ended up in the ER. (This is a pattern. lol. He does something every year at that time.) That ended up with a week of doc visits, sometimes 2 a day, and then surgery a month after. So all my energy was put towards him.

S and I just skirted around the issues. I was not really certain he wanted things to work. FINALLY, 2 months after my breakdown on the anniversary, he talked. Very slow going. He wants to take back this past year of hell, and he can't. He's been making a lot of changes, including a job change.

He even suggested I find a bf again. Right now, I can't. Hubs said some extremely hurtful things, and whether he meant them or not, it hurt. He made me feel like I was pretty much a slut. Some of the things he said revolved around that, even though we began this journey at his suggestion and pushing.

Right now, I can't even look at myself. My self esteem has never been great. But over 3 years ago, when we started talking and opening up more than we ever had, I started feeling better about myself. I didn't feel like something was wrong with me. S threw some of the things I opened up about in my face, and made me feel once again like something was wrong with me.

Until I can be ok with myself, and the fact I do still love 2 people, and that that's really ok, I don't know. I guess I will find out when I get there again, if I ever get there again.

Trust is slowly coming, but it's going to be journey, and I can't say whether the turnout will be good or bad. S says he understands and hopes one day I will trust him again, and that there's nothing wrong with me.

I haven't had time to really focus on myself, though. I spent 8 months in silence, just doing what I had to do, taking care of the kids, and the mundane details of the day. The rest of the time I spent in bed. Now we are bringing the kids back to homeschooling.

S changed jobs, and his stress level decreased a ton. S is happier. I'm... well, I'm still here. Still in limbo. I still come online and read other's posts. I read and read and read, hoping that I will see I'm okay the way I feel and am. In the past year, I lost so much. I'm afraid to try to get any back. It hurt enough to lose it the first time.

Anyway, I will leave it at that for now.

I appreciate reading other's posts. It makes me feel better seeing others, whether they are happy, sad, or confused... because I feel that way, and it makes me not feel so alone. Maybe since I'm not the only one who loves more than one, I am okay.
 
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