Lovesick and Trying Not to Worry

pittarotaro

New member
My nesting partner and I have opened our relationship to poly, hoping to create Vs or Ws, and maybe a quad if things work out for the best. I went on a first date with a lad, D, and felt instant chemistry.

I felt so lovesick afterwards. I knew that he had a primary in the military that would "come first" should they come home. Somehow I felt like I was David vs. Goliath. He told me he's looking for something light, but long-term, and he specifically looked out for other partners with primaries.

I have a "primary" too but I wouldn't drop everything for him if plans change. I adore my nesting partner, and he's the father of our beautiful child, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that we're both open to more (adding) if things go well with our metamours.

D is hesitant to say he's up for adding or being added. He imagines himself with his spouse later on in life, whenever or wherever that is. I think maybe he hasn't reached that threshold? Or he's putting these restrictions on to "protect" his primary relationship?

I felt a little pushy the last conversation we had because I like him so much! I'd love to spend more time with him and hang out with him more, but I guess that's just an effect of NRE? He said he enjoyed dating too, and would like to keep going, but I think I might've blurted out too much about what kind of future I'd like to see with possible partners.

Right now we've agreed to keep on seeing each other and see where it goes. Maybe it was the kiss that got me hooked and I'm a little embarrassed I talked to him about this all...It's gotten me worried and I hope more experienced polys would be able to dissect this and help!
 

lunabunny

New member
Hi

To clarify, you've gone on one date with D so far, and have kissed him (but not had sex yet) - is that correct?

If so, then I believe you are moving WAY too fast. NRE is one thing, but after only one date even that is still in its infant stage... far too early to be discussing long-term relationship shapes in any kind of serious fashion.

Do you KNOW if D feels as strongly toward you as you obviously do toward him? Because, even if he does, pushing to "add" him to some hypothetical polycule right now may just scare him off more than attract him.

What is wrong with just seeing how the initial attraction develops? Go on a second, third, fourth date... text and call and get to know each other... and if the feelings are still just as strong on both sides in a few months, THEN talk about what comes next.
 

KC43

New member
Just to clarify, a metamour is a partner's partner. Someone you date would be your nesting partner's metamour; someone your nesting partner dates would be your metamour. I wasn't certain from the way you've worded the sentence about things going well with your metamours if you were using the word's actual definition.

I'm also not certain of what you mean by "adding" someone. People aren't added to existing relationships. A new relationship (or relationships, plural, in some cases) is formed when someone starts dating someone new.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Hey pittorotaro, welcome.

I read your Intro post too. BTW, you have responses there you might want to check.

It's hard to tell from anything you've posted how long you've been (successfully) practicing open relationships or polyamory.

You sound like you're very new to it if you're putting so much stake into a guy after one date? Can you clarify? Is this the first time you've been on a date with another since opening the relationship with your bf/father of your child?
 

pittarotaro

New member
I’ve been on several dates with several different people since opening up this year. It hasn’t been long. But it’s been the first time I felt instant chemistry and I think I scared him off a little. *sigh*

I have another potential, A, that I’m getting along with beautifully and we are very compatible, but I don’t seem to get the same spark and urgency. We’re going on our 4th-5th outing soon. I’m very happy with the pacing between us.

Maybe it’s a lust thing? I’m trying to sort out my feelings and be a little less emotional. Maybe it’s because his time seems so scarce that I feel like I need to grab him when I can. Ugh I might’ve messed it up already.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi pittarotaro,

Your situation with D reminds me so much of a situation I had in high school. Back in the good old days. Back when the earth was cooling. She was so beautiful. I went on one date with her, and I was hooked. Calling her all the time. Dreaming about marriage with her. Ah, alas, she wasn't quite in as much of a hurry as I was. She wanted me to go on a mission before things got serious. Well I went on a mission and by the time I got back, I was no longer in such a hurry. She and I never got back together again. Kind of sad.

I am thinking that D doesn't want as serious of a long-term situation as you do, although that could change. It has only been one date. But don't get your hopes up too far. Now that doesn't mean you can't go on more dates with D, it just means that he wants something light and casual. You have to decide if you could live with something like that with him. Sometimes things aren't compatible, you are experiencing serious chemistry and maybe he is too, but you may have goals that don't line up with his.

Maybe A is your more serious prospect, while D is just something on the side? More exciting, but less lasting, if that makes sense? Think about what you want, and decide whether that lines up with what D wants. I'm sure D would still want to date you if you still want to date him.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Ravenscroft

Banned
When you say "nesting partner," are you using a PC term to dance around husband?

it’s been the first time I felt instant chemistry
How many people have you (individually) dated, like in your entire life thus far?

My experience is that, after the first half-dozen relationships or so, I wasn't swept away by the "Some Enchanted Evening" thing, which I've had at least five times -- two of those were amazingly mutual, & another was unpursued & I'm thankful as she turned out to be a bit wacky. :D

D is hesitant to say he's up for adding or being added.
Right: he's "monogamish," & allowed to have flings to fill up space until the real relationship can be reestablished. Annie showed me how the U.S. military has a "geographic bachelorhood" phenomenon during training & deployment.

My intention isn't to be mean, just to ask that you not set yourself up for disappointment, reading too much into what's actually there.
 

pittarotaro

New member
I appreciate the questions! It helps me dissect and work through the emotions without being shamed for them here..!

My nesting partner is sort of a primary. We have a child and home together, and I do hope to become his wife someday. It doesn’t mean neither of us are opposed to other loves, though! L admits that it’ll be hard bringing someone else home, as he is a little picky and selective, but I hope to find others we connect to. So far we aren’t out to family...and I think it’ll be for the best since we live with them. I don’t want them to be worried about the baby.

But back to D...yeah I haven’t felt instant chemistry like that before. It’s a shallow crush at the moment since I don’t know much about him yet, but I’ve had this feeling for others way back when my emotions got the better of me. I really think it’s because we kissed. I was expecting a chaste kiss but instead it was sensual and driven. I told him that I don’t want to get too physical too fast, and he admitted that gave him relief since I guess he’s had ONS and was disappointed? I don’t know.

I don’t know if he’s truly poly...and more monogamish. He seems very devoted to his spouse, but it might’ve been they opened the relationship because they were separated physically. They’ve been together a long time, though, even living together before military as college sweethearts, so I’m trying not to be pessimistic about their chances of staying together. I suppose I might’ve gotten a feeling of dissatisfaction? D says he sees himself with them in the end, but somehow I get a gut feeling something’s off.

For example, A is also devoted to his wife and has been with her forever, but I love that he is! He’s almost finished raising their kids and we’ve talked what kind of family he’d be open to building with poly, and it was similar to what I’ve envisioned.

I discovered something new about myself, though, through this. I realized I was having these feelings alongside my more manic episodes. When I have physical chemistry with someone I feel so eager and enthusiastic to share and be with them, and I jump the gun in my mind and heart. L tells me I do this all the time when something sparks me, and he reminds me to “come back” to home base. I plan on telling D about this on our next date, and tell him I’d be happy to just keep it light and see where it would naturally progress.

I am bracing myself for disappointment, though, because when I get crazy about a person it rarely goes well. I haven’t really had a successful relationship come out of feeling this way (two come to mind) but it has a lot to do with having too much unknown and lots of space for rampant daydreaming.
 
Pittarotaro,

Maybe try this on for size. It sounds like you have a vision or need for this immersive experience of love. One that sweeps you away. Not such a bad thing, I think we all yearn for this. We have this vision of what this would feel like and can imagine where this relationship would go.

When you met D, you felt like he would be able to fill this role so that this need could be met for you. There is only one problem, you have only been on one date with him and maybe he isn't the one who will go on this wonderful trip with you.

An analogy would be.... Let's say once you went to Paris or maybe you dream of going to Paris. You have learned how to savor a baguette, and can only imagine of how much better it would be in Paris. You have even studied French, painstakingly taken the time to make sure your accent is natural, and can't wait until to stroll around the city and casually engage in conversation. You just know that to be in love in the city of love will complete you. Either because you have already experienced this pure joy and want to relive it, or because you have yet to experience it, and it makes you yearn for it even more.

Enter D. You have finally found the man that you believe is just the right person to take to Paris. You can't wait to share the experience, to show him what you know, to see his reaction to that which you love, and see his love reflected back to you. You imagine every detail of this trip and can only imagine how perfect it will be. There is only one problem.

You have yet to ask him if he would like to go to Paris. You might find out he is a terrible travel partner, or that he is afraid of flying, or that his mom went to Paris and talked about how rude people were and he now hates the French. Or maybe he says something like "why would I need to travel there when everything I need is right here in the good old US of A".

There is a lot to learn about D before you decide he is the right person to take to Paris.

Disclaimer... If this analogy doesn't fit, you can just throw it out.
 

lunabunny

New member
I think CaptainCarrot's analogy is a good one.

Basically, not everyone we become infatuated with, or even fall head over heels in love with, will make a compatible long-term partner.

a.) They may not feel the same way about us.

b.) Even if an initial attraction is evident on their side too, the person may not want the same things from a relationship.

c.) Even if the attraction is there AND they want basically the same things from a relationship, there may be other aspects of their personality or lifestyle that don't "mesh" with ours, and therefore make them an unsuitable candidate for a serious relationship.

d.) After one, or even a handful of dates, we simply cannot know all these things about a potential partner until we get to know each other a lot better.

e.) Sharing our general hopes and dreams with another person in the early stages is perfectly fine ("I'd like to go to Paris someday"), however, deciding prematurely that a particular person is The One with whom we wish to fulfil those desires, and then telling them this right off the bat ("let's go to Paris in a few weeks; I'm already planning the trip, it'll be so cool!") is too much pressure to put on the new person in our lives.

NRE can be heady and disorienting, and it seems you (and your live-in partner, L) understand that you have a tendency to have near-manic episodes which cause you to get carried away on this wave of excitement. I think it's great that you've done some self-analysis here, have asked for feedback and realise where you might have overstepped. It'll help you stay mindful and in the present moment "next time".
 
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pittarotaro

New member
Thank you so much for the thoughtful advice, and I'm definitely on board with the "going to Paris" analogy. I've been working through these thoughts for the past two weeks and I think I'm a good spot now.

The good news is that D has set up another date during the week. We'll be hiking around sunset to a nice lone tree at the top of a hill, overlooking the city. Believe me, I'll try not to read too much into that too!

I'll probably let D know what's happening, that my outburst a few weeks ago was due to excitement and mania, and that I don't want to push any ideas really other than to enjoy our time together.
 
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