Loving a monoamorous

LauraCharnas

New member
Hi everyone, my name is Laura, I'm 26 years old, I'm from germany and I am in a mono relationsship even though I'm polyamorous. But let's start from the beginning:

About 3 years ago I met my boyfriend Michael at university. I was very attracted to him, but I had no clue, that he felt the same for me. Also I planed to move away in a few month, so I thought a relationship could not work. I hid my feelings but at the same time I felt in love with him more and more.

One evening at a concert I met another guy, named Chucky. Chucky was in a open marriage and we started dating, even though we lived an 3 hour drive away from each other. I told Chucky about my feeling for Michael and Chucky encouraged me to tell Michael, so I did.

Michael and I started dating, but I also felt in love with Chucky too. At this time i realized, that I can love more than one person at the same time. I reserched, learned about polyamory and it fit perfectly to my situation/feelings.

I told Michael about Chucky and that I'm polyamorous. He struggled a lot with this, but he tried to understand me. We talked a lot about possible ways of polygamy, our feeling and our fears, but in conclusion Michael didn't wanted to 'share' me. Because Chucky was so far away (and also an emotional mess who didn't treated me very good) I broke up with him to live in a monogamy with Michael. To be honest, I don't know why I thought this could work. I guess I just didn't wanted to lose Michael.

We are now more than 2 years together and also engaged. I love him and want to spent the rest of my life with him, BUT a few month ago I felt in love with another guy at work, named Jason.

Jason and I had a lot fun working together, we enjoyed each others company and became friends. Slowly a realized my feelings for him but I tried to ignore them and just continuted as if nothing happend.

One day, Jason and I were fooling around and I kissed him. It was beautiful, but I also felt guilty. We made out a couple of time and even had sex. I didn't tell Michael about it because I didn't want to hurt him (Yes. I know this isn't okay at all and i hate myself for my behavior).

I felt so guilty that I decided to tell Michael everything. He was so angry and we almost broke up. He still isn't willing to 'share' me at all and I told him, that I would stop the thing with Jason. Jason agrees, that this would probably be the best, because he feels guilty too. We try to have as little contact at work as possible, but it is nearly impossible, because of the working conditions. So at work Jason and I both suffer and at home Michael and I both suffer.

It is just a giant mess and it can't go on like this. I don't want to lose Michael but I can't stay away from Jason. I am really trying to lose my feelings for Jason, but I don't know how.

Allthough Michael said he would give me time for this, he is starting to lose patience. He is hurted, because I'm still in love with Jason and I know that he suffers a lot. Also we are fighting every day about everything. We are annoyed by each other and being home feels like hell. On the other hand, Michael and I had a very good time together. I think we could work this out but at the moment it just seems impossible.

Well, this is my messed up story. I'm thankful for every helpful comment 😊
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel better for airing out some. I'm sorry you struggle.

Not a big deal if the edit window passed, but if you still can... could you please be willing to hit "return" a few times to break up paragraphs? You might get more readers if it's not like a wall of text.

It is just a giant mess and it can't go on like this. I don't want to lose Michael but I can't stay away from Jason.

So maybe it's time to do some soul searching? And come to a firm decision rather than keep "floating along?"

Because Chucky was so far away (and also an emotional mess who didn't treated me very good) I broke up with him to live in a monogamy with Michael. To be honest, I don't know why I thought this could work. I guess I just didn't wanted to lose Michael.

We are now more than 2 years together and also engaged. I love him and want to spent the rest of my life with him,

Since Michael wants monogamy and it seems like you don't? Honesty is good. How about accepting that?

And ending the engagement period successfully and spending rest of life with him as friends rather than trying to square peg / round hole?

To me the engagement period ends successfully in one of two ways.

1) The couple does all the deep talks to assess deep compatibility for marriage. They discover actually... NOT compatible for that. They end the engagement peacefully and spare themselves the cost of emotional heartache of going against their own grain, the wedding, divorce, do not bring children into it, etc.

2) The couple does all the deep talks to assess deep compatibility for marriage. They discover actually... they ARE compatible for that. Then and only then do they move on to planning the wedding ceremony and reception.

The worst thing to do to me during an engagement period is NOT to do the work of engagement or to find things out, and then stuff them under the rug pretending it is not there. (Are you doing a marriage prep class somewhere?)

So I encourage you to do your soul searching. Is Michael really the person you want to marry?

Could firm up boundaries.
  • Resolve not to date monogamously again.
  • Resolve not to date people at work.
  • Resolve not to cheat on agreements.
If it's that everyone is suffering here? You don't know how to make it better? At least reduce the suffering. Could end it with both and be on your own for a while to heal.

Not all choices in life are win/lose. Some are "All the options stink. Which stinks least?"

Galagirl
 
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dingedheart

Well-known member
HI AND welcome to the forum.

If this engagement had a specific date set I would strongly very strongly suggest you put that on indefinite hold until all of this is resolved. The idea that shoe horning yourself into a mono marriage to have these cycles repeat themselves every couple yrs and the complete long shot hes someday ..some yr going to convert to your way of thinking is just that a long shot. If you’re going to work on this take the stress of planning a wedding and planning a future with this glaring incompatibility hanging over both your heads.

I think it can be a slow and painful process to admit to ourselves that this person really isn’t the one . The bright side for you this might much easier to recover from because you now realize your poly identity And there is no “ one “ .
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Laura,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like the thing you need to do is to just get over Jason and live monogamously with Michael for the rest of your life. I say this because I feel certain that you don't want to break up with Michael for any reason. I don't think you and Michael are likely to have a happy marriage, but you can have an okay marriage at least for a while. Hang on to that for as long as you can.

Things will get better.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
It sounds like the thing you need to do is to just get over Jason and live monogamously with Michael for the rest of your life. I say this because I feel certain that you don't want to break up with Michael for any reason. I don't think you and Michael are likely to have a happy marriage, but you can have an okay marriage at least for a while. Hang on to that for as long as you can.

I strongly disagree with this. This is advocating settling this actually contributes to the practice of settling and cobbling we see so often here. 10-12 yrs and 2-3 kids later she’s going to be back here looking for advice on how
get her husband on board. who starts off with the goal or hope of OK ? Also these kind of games have pretty harsh effects on ones spouse over the long haul marriage might become a thing of the past.
 

SlowPoly

Member
I’m just gonna pull out some bits and put “…” between them, and add some emphasis.

… monogamy with Michael. To be honest, I don't know why I thought this could work. I guess I just didn't wanted to lose Michael.

We are now more than 2 years together and also engaged. I love him and want to spent the rest of my life with him

… He still isn't willing to 'share' me at all … at home Michael and I both suffer.
It is just a giant mess and it can't go on like this. I don't want to lose Michael

Allthough Michael said he would give me time for this, he is starting to lose patience. … we are fighting every day about everything. We are annoyed by each other and being home feels like hell. On the other hand, Michael and I had a very good time together. I think we could work this out but at the moment it just seems impossible.

I think the Michael you want to spend the rest of your life with doesn’t exist. You want a Michael who is okay with polyamory, and you don’t have a Michael who is okay with polyamory. He seems to want a Laura who values monogamy. You aren’t that Laura.

Y’all are just hurting yourselves trying to stay together until — when? Until someone changes fundamentally, and then everything will be wonderful? Being “engaged” just increases the social (and potentially financial) costs of ending this relationship. Marriage would increase the barriers to exit still further. More suffering day to day. More to lose in ending it.

Why are you trying to lock yourselves for into a place of suffering for another week/month/year/the rest of your life?? Do you think it will be nice for either of you once you get used to living in conflict with your values?

It sounds like you keep trying because you fear losing Michael. Don’t be afraid to lose a relationship that isn’t what you want, with a person who doesn’t want what you want.

If you love yourself and you love Michael, end the engagement and free up both of you to have the kinds of relationships you actually want, with people who want the same. Better you do the healing now and find relationships and other things to center your lives around that aren’t guaranteed to hurt like this. Be brave and end this. You will both be grateful when you look back on it.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I will respectfully disagree, Kevin.

This stuff?

ktdt26417 said:
It sounds like the thing you need to do is to just get over Jason and live monogamously with Michael for the rest of your life.

It's already been tried. See?

LauraCharnas said:
Because Chucky was so far away (and also an emotional mess who didn't treated me very good) I broke up with him to live in a monogamy with Michael. To be honest, I don't know why I thought this could work. I guess I just didn't wanted to lose Michael.

I do not think cranking it up to a "higher intensity" so it's being tried in a marriage framework rather than in a dating framework would help it be any more successful.

Like break up with Jason now, and then go marry Michael is supposed to work out better JUST because it's in a marriage framework?

If Michael wants a strictly monogamous relationship shape and Laura wants polyamorous relationship shape, I'd think that is reason enough NOT to pursue marriage together.

These are opposite wants. The sooner accepted the better. Upsetting, but not as upsetting as dragging it out and piling complications on.

ktdt26417 said:
I don't think you and Michael are likely to have a happy marriage, but you can have an okay marriage at least for a while. Hang on to that for as long as you can.

Hasn't Laura ALREADY hung on as long as she can?

It also doesn't sound very self loving for Laura to put herself into a monogamous marriage if she already knows monogamous dating doesn't work for her. If anything, the box would squeeze tighter.

Nor is that loving behavior toward Michael -- for Laura to offer him "at best okay to start, but prob unhappy the rest of the time" marriage.

How would that be great for either?

I hope people aspire to higher than that for their marriage unions.

Laura, are you two taking marriage prep classes? If not, that is one thing you have not done yet that you could both try. There's online ones now and don't necessarily have to be from a house of worship.

But I think the class would just show you that love alone is not enough for deep compatibility.

Could also try couples counseling if you have not done that, but I think that will just circle back around to the same thing -- love alone is not enough for deep compatibility.

But maybe it is worthwhile to do to "hear it" from someone else? Professionals. And also to learn how to assess for deep compatibility and better vet potential partners and develop/clarify your personal standard.

If you already know deep down that you love Michael, but this isn't gonna work out? But aren't ready to "say it out loud" because you are going through stages of break up grief? Perhaps better use of your time would be working with an individual counselor to help you come to peace inside.

But if you want to try one last thing with Michael, being out some bucks for a marriage prep class or some couple counseling sessions is def cheaper than the emotional cost, wedding costs, and divorce costs if you try to ignore stuff and use marriage to "wallpaper" over it.

Though you knew Michael for 3 years before, you have been dating and then engaged for only 2 years.

NRE lasts anywhere from 6 mos to 2 years. The pink fluffy lala clouds of NRE might be lifting.

And the reality check stepping in might be making you realize some things.

So again... I encourage you to do your soul searching.

It's ok to struggle and make mistakes.

It's not ok to keep making them or swap them out for new, bigger ones.

LauraCharnas said:
On the other hand, Michael and I had a very good time together. I think we could work this out but at the moment it just seems impossible.

Please do consider that "work this out" might include a peaceful parting so you CAN remain friends. Rather than letting all this....

LauraCharnas said:
Also we are fighting every day about everything. We are annoyed by each other and being home feels like hell.

get more and more ugly and then trying to be decent exes and friends is no longer even possible.

"Home feels like hell" is NOT the place to get married from either.

Galagirl
 
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Marcus

Well-known member
It is just a giant mess and it can't go on like this. I don't want to lose Michael but I can't stay away from Jason. I am really trying to lose my feelings for Jason, but I don't know how.

Your post reads like you are a victim of your impulses, with no ability to decide on a rational course.

I suggest you reframe this issue. Currently it's framed as a polyamory/monogamy problem, but I think you are just having a maturity problem. There's no shame in lacking maturity, but it certainly needs to be looked at if you intend on having healthy adult relationships.

I'd start by breaking it off with both of these poor guys, living on your own and not dating anyone for a while, getting therapy to understand your motivations, and learning what it is that you actually want out of life.

Then, and only then, decide to be open to relationships that align with what you want out of life. Stop accepting relationships that are fundamentally inappropriate for your needs.
 
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