Major discomfort in the idea of a threesome: How do I deal?

[Bunnielight]

This weekend I've had some really incredibly emotionally jolting realizations about myself. Coming here about it in hopes to not feel so crazy/selfish/what have you.

The prospect of threesomes have come up in our poly family lately. Primarily and experience that Zed has expressed wanting for a while now. I went with it, feeling like maybe? One day? If it's something he wants.


In doing this i made the mistake of setting aside my own actual feelings about the whole thing.
It came up again this weekend when Pixie had an experience with her first husband and his girlfriend. I guess it made it real for me and I forced myself to actually think about how I would handle it.

And suddenly I realized I was having an anxiety attack. When I finally spoke to Zed about it, I broke down immediately into an awful flood of tears. Realizing some things about myself.

•I truly don't think I could ever go through with it.
•I feel I could try to push myself to do so, but it would likely trigger me in ways I would have very little control over once in the situation.
•The idea of SEEING Zed (or Dean for that matter) be intimate with someone else is beyond uncomfortable for me.
•It just doesn't feel right (for me, no judgement on those strong or willing enough to do that).

•And now I feel incredibly guilty.
•I feel slightly jealous and insecure that I truly feel I could never give that to them.
•I feel as though my feelings on it may rob them of that experience if it's something they want.

I let them all know that it is something I would be willing to deal with and get past and I don't want them to feel like I would be angry with them as long as I know they are A.Safe and B. I know what's going on.

And now I'm struggling with the prospect that I could never be someone they can have that experience with. I'm afraid of the ways it may trigger me later if it's an opportunity that arises.

I just have a lot of thoughts on this that I'm struggling with. Every time I think about it, I feel like I'm going to lose it. I feel like I SHOULD be okay with it. But I fear the withdrawal it may cause if they ever do get that experience.

Does anyone else feel this way, past or present? Just really struggling a lot with these horrible thoughts.

 

[Savant]

It just doesn't feel right (for me, no judgement on those strong or willing enough to do that).

This alone is the only reason that matters. You need to be true to yourself, and this is the most honest statement that sums it all up. First and foremost, you need to acknowledge one very important thing.

You have a right to feel the way you do.

Nothing, and no one should ever make you feel that you can't be true to yourself over something this foundational to your life. In the end, you need to live with yourself before you live with anyone else. If you can't live with yourself, then you will be miserable. Making a decision to do something that doesn't "feel right" to you will only hurt you.

And now I feel incredibly guilty.

The reason you feel guilty is since your partner has expressed a 'want', and since you love your partner, you have a strong desire to fulfill that want. Yet, at the same time, you can't do it. As such, you feel like you are letting him down. But you're not. Think about it... What's worse here? That you go through with it and have a breakdown, or that you don't go through with it and instead deal with the feelings you have as a result? I'm thinking that you are far worse off if you push yourself into doing something that you clearly don't want to do.

As such, if doing it would make matters worse for you, there is nothing to feel guilty about. Your decision is the decision that is the best for you, and for all involved.

I feel slightly jealous and insecure that I truly feel I could never give that to them.

Never say never. While it is possible it may likely never happen, no one can tell the future. No decent person would ever want you to do something you aren't comfortable with, your partner is no different.

I feel as though my feelings on it may rob them of that experience if it's something they want.

Your participation would be a gift, and this gift is yours to give—if you choose to do so. No one should ever 'expect' a gift. You are not robbing them, since you are not taking anything away from them. It's like saying that you are robbing someone if you don't give them a birthday gift, during a time when you don't have any money.

If you don't have the emotional ability to give this gift, then why not think about other ways in which you can do something else that is within your comfort zone? Take your focus away from this, and see if there is something else you can offer.

We're all different and we all have our limits. This is one of yours. There is no shame in this. Relationships are about compromise. A reasonable partner will respect your personal limits.

Right now you need to start telling yourself that you have a RIGHT to feel the way you feel. Your feelings are not 'bad' or 'wrong'. Give yourself permission to accept how you feel. Don't beat yourself up over your honest feelings.

 

[KC43]

First of all, feelings are feelings. They happen, they're valid, and they're okay to have no matter what they are. It's what you *do* or *say* in response to the feelings that matters.

As for "I should be okay with this"... as one of my former counselors used to say, "Stop shoulding on yourself." There is no "should." The fact is that you AREN'T okay with it, and trying to make yourself be okay with it is likely causing you even more anxiety than the idea of a threesome in the first place.

You don't have to do and be everything for your partners. That's why they have other partners. You don't like the idea of seeing Zed or Dean with another partner. You don't have to see that. If they want threesomes, they can find other women to have them with. So I don't see how *you* not wanting to be part of a threesome would prevent them from having one at all. It would only prevent them from having one that you're part of.

If they're pressuring you to do this, that's a problem, because no one has the right to pressure a partner into doing something they don't want to do. But if you're the only one pressuring yourself, you need to work through it. And you need to talk to them, especially Zed, about the issue and how you feel, and let him reassure you.

 

[Bunnielight]

You don't have to do and be everything for your partners. That's why they have other partners. You don't like the idea of seeing Zed or Dean with another partner. You don't have to see that. If they want threesomes, they can find other women to have them with. So I don't see how *you* not wanting to be part of a threesome would prevent them from having one at all. It would only prevent them from having one that you're part of.

This is honestly the hardest part of it at this point.

The idea of them being able to have that experience and enjoy it, and I can never enjoy it with them. I fear my emotional response if they were to find that opportunity.
Just the thought of them informing me they may have that opportunity with "so and so" is incredibly painful to even think about. I fear that even though I want them to have that. I want them to have all they desire, but I feel like I may withdraw from the relationship entirely if it was something that was gone through with. And that's incredibly confusing and painful for me.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

•I truly don't think I could ever go through with it.
•I feel I could try to push myself to do so, but it would likely trigger me in ways I would have very little control over once in the situation.
•The idea of SEEING Zed (or Dean for that matter) be intimate with someone else is beyond uncomfortable for me.
•It just doesn't feel right (for me, no judgement on those strong or willing enough to do that).

•And now I feel incredibly guilty.
•I feel slightly jealous and insecure that I truly feel I could never give that to them.
•I feel as though my feelings on it may rob them of that experience if it's something they want.

Geeze louise. If anyone is pressuring you to have a sexual encounter that you're not comfortable having, they need to stop immediately. You don't have any obligation or duty to live out someone's fantasies. Your body, your rules.

What kind of monster could enjoy themselves in a threesome knowing one of the participants was engaged under duress? How can someone say they love you when they would ignore you having a *panic attack* just because they want to live out some fantasy? Can they be any more selfish??

You won't rob them of anything. They want a threesome, they can go off and have a threesome. With someone else.

The idea of them being able to have that experience and enjoy it, and I can never enjoy it with them. I fear my emotional response if they were to find that opportunity.

So they do it and you have an emotional response. It happens to the best of us. You'll work through it. There's no value fretting over things that may or may not happen in the future. There's never a shortage of things to worry about, but worrying doesn't help anyone, and most of it ends up being over nothing. Deal with life as it happens, and focus on what's in front of you in each moment.

Remember that they won't love you less just because you didn't have a threesome, or that they'll love the threesome-girl more than you. They're poly, if they were going to leave you because of the way you live your life, they would have done it already. That they're still with you is evidence that they love you and respect your decisions. They're obviously not married to / dating you because of your flare with threesomes, so find the reasons they are with you and focus on those. Ignore the things that other people do that you don't do, because if they cared that you don't do those things, they wouldn't be with you in the first place.

 

[KC43]

This is honestly the hardest part of it at this point.

The idea of them being able to have that experience and enjoy it, and I can never enjoy it with them. I fear my emotional response if they were to find that opportunity.
Just the thought of them informing me they may have that opportunity with "so and so" is incredibly painful to even think about. I fear that even though I want them to have that. I want them to have all they desire, but I feel like I may withdraw from the relationship entirely if it was something that was gone through with. And that's incredibly confusing and painful for me.

Ah, now I understand a bit better. I can definitely see how that would be confusing to try to sort through. You want them to be able to experience the things they're interested in, but you're afraid and hurt about the idea of them experiencing it without you, but you're also afraid and hurt about the idea of them experiencing it *with* you. And the only other alternative besides those to is for them not to experience it at all.

A couple of things for you to think about (and answer here if you choose, but I'm asking just so you have something concrete to try to think on):
What is your biggest fear about participating in a threesome with one of your guys and another woman?

What is your biggest fear about either of your guys having a threesome that *doesn't* involve you?

Also... speaking from having anxiety and knowing how the spirals go, remember that you're facing two unknowns right now. You don't *know* what it would be like to be in a threesome. You don't *know* what it would be like to have one of your guys do a threesome without you. You only *fear* what those things would be like. And the unknown can be scary as fuck, because it's like this big blob that's going to suck you down, but remember that even though *feelings* just happen, you *can* control your thoughts. You're not thinking right now, you're only feeling. The feelings are fine, but it might help you to try to think things through without letting the feelings interfere as much as they seem to be. And yes, I know that's WAY easier said than done.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

Don't agree to participate in sex acts you don't want to be doing.

Zed can want things without them ever coming true. It's just a want. You don't automatically have to fulfill them. Is he pressuring you?

I fear my emotional response if they were to find that opportunity. Just the thought of them informing me they may have that opportunity with "so and so" is incredibly painful to even think about. I fear that even though I want them to have that. I want them to have all they desire, but I feel like I may withdraw from the relationship entirely if it was something that was gone through with. And that's incredibly confusing and painful for me.

That sounds like a boundary to me. Why is it painful to you to have boundaries?

It is ok not to want threesomes. Not everyone has to like the same sexual activities. It's also ok to be totally turned off to your partner, should he engage in a threesome because that particular sex act totally squicks you out. You are allowed to have your deal breakers.

You said this...

I let them all know that it is something I would be willing to deal with and get past and I don't want them to feel like I would be angry with them as long as I know they are A.Safe and B. I know what's going on.

On contemplation you find... It squicks you out. And it's ok that it does. Obey your personal limitations/preferences. Update them.

"Guys, I thought it over. I thought I could get past it but on thinking it over I find it is not a soft limit that could change over time. It is actually a hard limit that will never change."​

Then everyone knows, and you don't have to be worrying about it. Take the load off your shoulders.

Is it that you are not comfortable just stating your boundaries and dealbreakers plain? Like

"I want you have whatever fun you want to have, within reason. There are some limits to being with me. I am not cool with threesomes. They totally turn me off. We would have to break up if you went there. It turns me off that much. It's a hard limit."​

Every time I think about it, I feel like I'm going to lose it. I feel like I SHOULD be okay with it. But I fear the withdrawal it may cause if they ever do get that experience.

Could make it so you don't have to think about it any more and then you don't have to lose it. Just update them that it is a hard limit after all.

You also might want to look up "should" as a cognitive distortion. You seem to be cranking up your own anxiety with that "should" thinking behavior.

There is no "should" about your sex activities. Or if there is one, you should only engage in sex acts you are happy to be doing. You don't HAVE to be ok with threesomes. It's ok for your sexual preferences not to include those.

I feel slightly jealous and insecure that I truly feel I could never give that to them.

Why are you busy beating up on yourself like you are "not enough" somehow if you don't give Zed or Dean a threesome? We all have personal preferences. I'm not going to engage in needle play any time soon. I'm sure other people have their places where they will not go. It's just a personal preference, not a personal failing.


Do you have a belief that you have to be up for anything and everything?

I feel as though my feelings on it may rob them of that experience if it's something they want.

"Rob" them how? If part of the price of admission to being with you is honoring your boundaries, how is that robbing them of something? They are choosing to be with you.

Instead of trying to keep this belief and cranking your anxiety up, I think you could update it. You could change

"I want them to have all they desire"​

to

"I want my partner(s) to have all they desire (within reason) while still respecting my boundaries."​

I think that would be a healthier belief for you.

Galagirl

 

[playfulgirl]

Threesomes only work well if everyone wants it at the same time. Otherwise emotional time bomb. It's okay to not want one. This is something real and lady and I deal with a lot. We've had regular threesomes and we have to check in each time with all parties.
Also threesomes are put up as this big fantasy but they are not the holy grail. If you aren't comfortable be ok saying so. Even in my triad ish v they aren't a given and require discussing.
If you need time to process with your partners about them finding this with others talk about it. Set a time limit to process before they proceed if needed.
In my experience many threesomes are a more casual encounter and can be delayed for a time. Take care of your emotional needs.
Yes any time partners have a sexual desire fulfilled that you can't there are feels. Feels are ok. Talk about them and stay connected as needed.
It seems like you are pre-shaming yourself for having emotions and not being ok with a situation. While I'm a very sex positive person I worry that we are all becoming bit okay with people setting reasonable limits for their interactions after careful thought. Threesomes aren't for everyone. And that's ok.

 

[Bunnielight]

A couple of things for you to think about (and answer here if you choose, but I'm asking just so you have something concrete to try to think on):
What is your biggest fear about participating in a threesome with one of your guys and another woman?

I wouldn't so much consider it a fear as I would a preference of sexual dynamic.

•I greatly value the privacy in my intimate times with my lover. That privacy is how I connect and find my comfort. The one on one connection is my foundation for my lovemaking.
•In relation, I respect their intimacy on the same level and have no desire to see it or be involved. The idea causes me great discomfort: if I don't want to be watched, I cannot watch them. It feels dirty and wrong for me.


*I should also clarify that I HAVE been in a threesome BEFORE several years ago with a very close friend of mine (who has since passed away, which could maybe also be part of my emotional state) and a male I didn't know very well. I've shared this with my other relationships, which is part of where the guilt comes from: if I could do it then, why not now? I feel like a hypocrite.
Although at the time, we were on drugs and she and I didn't really interact that much. It still happened and they know it was a very valued experience for me. I feel like this teased them and got their hopes up.*

What is your biggest fear about either of your guys having a threesome that *doesn't* involve you?

My fear is them bringing in an unknown party. Sharing him (either one) with someone I'm unfamiliar with.
Pixie is different. I know her. I trust her. She and I are friends and Zed loves her (She also had Dean first, so that's a given). I can and do respect that deeply.

An additional party means they would be giving part of themself to someone they are not in love with. The idea of them sharing their intimacy with someone outside of their love is painful to me because I fear it waters down their intimacy. I feel it loses its value with me if they can share it with someone on a one time event.

At least that's what I can decipher from the mess I'm feeling right now.

 

[GalaGirl]

I've shared this with my other relationships, which is part of where the guilt comes from: if I could do it then, why not now? I feel like a hypocrite.

Because that is a younger you. Not the today you. You are allowed to grow from past experiences, and change what you value and what you like. Today it is not something that interests you. That is totally ok!

Why leap from there to "hypocrite?" You seem to have a habit of being your own bully and calling yourself names. I am concerned you have have very judgmental inner critic voice. What are you doing about that?

Instead of getting hung up on the past, could be more PRESENT. This is what the today you values:

• I greatly value the privacy in my intimate times with my lover. That privacy is how I connect and find my comfort. The one on one connection is my foundation for my lovemaking.
  
• I respect their intimacy on the same level and have no desire to see it or be involved. The idea causes me great discomfort: if I don't want to be watched, I cannot watch them. It feels dirty and wrong for me.
  
• I am ok with Pixie. I know her and it is in loving context there. Sharing my lover with her is not a problem.
  
• The idea of them sharing their intimacy (in a casual sex threesome) with someone they don't love is painful to me because to me it waters down their intimacy. Their intimacy loses its value with me if they can share it with someone on a one time event.

I feel like this teased them and got their hopes up.*

If they got their hopes up because you shared things about your past? That is their thinking behavior, not you deliberately teasing and leading them on.

Could update them and let them know what you value today. So they can base their hopes more accurately on the PRESENT and not the past.

Galagirl

 

[vinsanity0]

If you are not into it, you're not. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm not all that into myself. I did a few over the years because I thought it would satisfy a need for variety I was not getting otherwise. It didn't. Some great memories, sometimes. A lot of drama others.

Don't stress over it.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

First of all, this:

Don't agree to participate in sex acts you don't want to be doing.

It is ok not to want threesomes. Not everyone has to like the same sexual activities. It's also ok to be totally turned off to your partner, should he engage in a threesome because that particular sex act totally squicks you out. You are allowed to have your deal breakers.

I agree with this only in part. My "squick" is anal sex, not threesomes. BUT intellectually I feel that, if I am OK with my partners having sex with others, then it is not up to me as to what kind of sex they have - but I prefer not to hear details if it is something that turns me off (to be honest, I don't need details ever, actually - knowing that the relationship is sexual in nature is enough for me).

... It squicks you out. And it's ok that it does. Obey your personal limitations/preferences. Update them.

It is fine (and good) to let people know your responses - so you can negotiate around them. Personally, I wouldn't be OK with one of my partners telling me that I couldn't have threesomes, just because it was a threesome, especially if they would be OK with me having sex with each of the participants individually. For me, that would be someone trying to dictate what I can/can't do in a relationship that doesn't involve them directly.

(My "hard limits" are purely ethical - I wouldn't be with someone who was willing to have sex with someone that I viewed as "fragile" - underage, mentally immature, emotionally damaged, etc.)

 

[vinsanity0]

I agree. It's not ok to have a problem with your partner because they like sexual acts with others that you don't like, and do them with others. Part of the perks of being poly, IMO.

 

[Bunnielight]

I can't even word right now.

Dean pried me this evening for what's been bothering me so I somberly explained my feelings and my understanding that I know it's unfair to him but I know he needs to know if I feel I may regress.

" (A threesome) wouldn't ever happen unless I knew you were 100% ok with it. If you feel like it would effect our relationship - even a little bit - I wouldn't do it. You mean more to me than that."

Definitely crying with relief and an overwhelming sense of love for this man. I didn't really even have to explain much at all.

 

[Lupa]

So good to hear Bunnielight. It's amazing the way we can build things up in our head and when we open up to the other, how quickly it can be resolved. Reminds me of a song lyric I heard just this morning: "My only enemy is me".

 

[KC43]

Bunnielight, thanks for clarifying all of that. I understand why having had a threesome in the past might make you feel guilty or hypocritical for not wanting one now, but as GalaGirl pointed out, you're not the person you were then. You've grown, you've changed, and you've learned. And you said you were on drugs then, which I'm sure knocked down some of your fears and inhibitions. Different circumstance entirely from now.

I'm the same; eight years ago I twice participated in a threesome with a married couple I was friendly with. Zero physical contact between the wife and me. That was about 8 months after I left Alt and Country's father, when I was trying things and exploring things and just enjoying myself. Nowadays, I would be unlikely to agree to something like that, and if I agreed it would be solely to please my partner and not something I actually wanted to do. Which is why neither of my current partners would allow me to do it; Hubby and Woody both only want me to do things *I* want to do and not give in just because *they* want it.

With the intimacy thing, some people can entirely separate sexual/physical intimacy from emotional intimacy. Having sex with someone else has nothing to do with how they feel about that person, and doesn't have any effect whatsoever on their emotional intimacy with people they are in love with. But some people can't make that separation for themselves and don't understand how anyone else could. They see having sex with someone else, especially if love isn't a thing, as cheapening the emotional intimacy they have with the people they're in love with. Both ways of seeing things are okay, so your sense that emotional intimacy would be diluted if Zed or Dean brought in a partner they aren't in love with is okay.

Just an observation from the other way of seeing things: To me, I'm not sure I understand how having sex with someone they aren't in love with would dilute their emotional connection to or intimacy with you any more than falling in love with someone else does. I would see it the opposite, because I'm one of those people who doesn't see much of a connection between sex and love, and with sex usually the only intimacy involved for me is the physical. Sex happens with people I'm in love with, but it doesn't happen *because* I'm in love with them, it happens because I'm horny or they ask and I'm in a willing mood. Sex with someone I'm not in love with also happens, and doesn't have anything to do with sharing intimacy, just sharing body parts.

I'm glad you were able to confide in Dean and that he reassured you.

 

[FallenAngelina]

.... I could never be someone they can have that experience with.

Glad that you put this issue to bed, but just keep in mind (about everything) that life is long. Never say "I can never be." You're clear about what is and isn't right for you now, but you've got so many years ahead of you, so you're not ever stuck with You as you are. I had a dreadful threesome experience when I was 18 and didn't go back to the moresome idea for 35 years. Now I'm a much different person with the benefit of vast experience and confidence and I love my sexual connections that involve three or more people. Which isn't to say that you should or will change your preferences, just that "never" is a very long time and that your perspectives will change dramatically as you go through life.

 

[GalaGirl]

Definitely crying with relief and an overwhelming sense of love for this man. I didn't really even have to explain much at all.

Glad you updated him and it was resolved. Better than bottling it up and working anxiety up all on your own. YKWIM?

Galagirl

 

[Bunnielight]

Glad you updated him and it was resolved. Better than bottling it up and working anxiety up all on your own. YKWIM?

Galagirl

I have a really bad habit of doing that if you haven't noticed.

 

[GalaGirl]

What matters is YOU have noticed.

And having noticed that behavior, you can now work to change it. One way is to just spit it out and get it out there. With more positive experiences like this one, you will become more confident about just saying what you mean from the start. Which leads to less anxiety and less "what if this? what if that?"

Galagirl