Major discomfort in the idea of a threesome: How do I deal?

[KC43]

Sometimes part of the anxiety is anxiety about what your partner (or others) will say if they know you're anxious. So you bottle up the anxiety so no one will know you're anxious, because then you don't have to be anxious about them finding out you're anxious.

And if that paragraph doesn't make sense... welcome to an approximation of a brain that's running on anxiety.

When you're already anxious, the fear of what a loved one will say if you try to talk to them about the situation, especially if they're *involved* in the situation, only compounds everything. But it's important to push through that part of the fear, because you have the right to feel safe and comfortable in a relationship, and that includes being able to go to your partner when you need comfort and reassurance. And that, too, is easier said than done, as I know all too well.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Bunnielight,

Glad you were able to get things worked out. For the record, it sounds to me like a bigger issue than Zed or Dean having a threesome is the problem of them involving someone they just met, were not in love with, and whom you didn't know if you could trust.

I could be totally off, but that was a conclusion I drew.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[PinkPig]

Hi Bunnielight,

Glad you were able to get things worked out. For the record, it sounds to me like a bigger issue than Zed or Dean having a threesome is the problem of them involving someone they just met, were not in love with, and whom you didn't know if you could trust.

I could be totally off, but that was a conclusion I drew.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Same here. Bunnie, if Dean or Zed were dating another woman besides Pixie and you, would you be open to them having a threesome with Pixie and other woman?

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Personally, I wouldn't be OK with one of my partners telling me that I couldn't have threesomes, just because it was a threesome, especially if they would be OK with me having sex with each of the participants individually. For me, that would be someone trying to dictate what I can/can't do in a relationship that doesn't involve them directly.

Therein lies the difference between "boundaries" and "rules." It doesn't matter if it's rational or "fair," if it's a fact that finding out your partner is having threesomes will lead to you losing desire for them, then it's perfectly reasonable to share that fact and allow them to choose their own behaviour with that in mind.

Especially with anxiety, she can't help the fact that if her partner has a threesome, then every time they get together themselves, she'll be picturing him in a threesome with some stranger and getting totally turned off and becoming emotionally unavailable over time.

Being polyamorous doesn't mean you automatically sign up to accept any and all behaviour in which your partner chooses to engage. Sure, they have the right to choose their behaviour. And you have the right to dump their sorry ass if they choose behaviour that turns you right off. That's not dictating their behaviour, it's choosing your own behaviour based on your response to the available information.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

cognitive distortion.

That was an interesting read. What stuck out to me was "Discounting the positives" except I kinda have the opposite compunction. Funny how "Discounting the negatives" is probably just as distorted, but never frowned upon. I mean there are plenty of things I notice that aren't what they could be, but I seem perfectly content to just "la la la whatever" and forget about it.

I'm totally Heart in the Awkward Yeti "Heart and Brain" comics... Now where did my flutterby get off to?