Making him happy at my expense?

I

Iamwaffle

New member
Hi everyone, I'm new here and hoping that being a part of the poly community can help with an issue that came up recently.
I'm 26 and have been with my boyfriend since we were both 16. We've been openly poly for about 3 years now. I've had 'flings' with other women who were lesbians as a way to explore my bisexuality, but felt bad that my boyfriend was left out and vowed to try to get threesomes together. We've been with a few women together and when I'm involved, I feel no jealousy seeing him with them and actually enjoy watching him with other women.
He's more extrovert than I am and better with women, and i felt like I was holding him back from exploring other women and the fun he has with meeting them. I told him it was only fair that since I've had sex without him, he should be allowed to have sex without me being involved. Logically it made sense, but yesterday he spent the day with a girl while I was out and for the first time in our relationship, he's had sex with someone I barely had the chance to meet or had him ask for 'permission to move forward'.
I've always had the peace of mind knowing he's been transparent about everything and now I'm feeling incredibly hurt. I know I'm sending him mixed messages but the way he's gone about it is making me uncomfortable and resentful towards her even though she's a stranger. I feel like I'm trying to say what I think sounds good but I'm not following what's healthy for me. How do I balance between what makes him happy and me not being a hypocrite? I just need some perspective on this. It's the first time I feel this lost in our ten years together
 
Sounds like you guys just didn't talk enough about this before he set up the date to make sure you were okay. I'm sure you just didn't know what the protocol would be, so just talk to him about it and tell him how you felt. Next time, maybe he can give you more notice and talk to you about it before he rushes off to it. Just my thoughts.
 
I think that's a good point. The worry comes that it was a mixed message on my part maybe, but I think you're right. I don't understand why I'm fine until it's sex. I think there's everything he can do that's fine until I imagine them having actual sex then I feel sick. It's not logical and I'm frustrated by my feelings on this
 
Hi Iamwaffle,

Feelings can be such monsters, can't they? You want to be okay with this, it makes sense to be okay with this, but your feelings just won't cooperate.

What makes you feel the worst? that you barely had a chance to meet the new person? or just the visual of him having sex without you?

I agree with tronprogram, you should try to increase the quality and quantity of communication with your boyfriend. Make sure you know exactly what to expect ahead of time.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
i felt like I was holding him back from exploring other women and the fun he has with meeting them. I told him it was only fair that since I've had sex without him, he should be allowed to have sex without me being involved.
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Was he complaining? Are you tripping up needlessly on the fair/equal thing? Was this about you assuaging your guilt that things were not equal?

Because if he was fine how it was, why go messing with the relationship shape?

If the problem was you thinking weird things, maybe erroneous things? You solve it by asking him to clarify.

" I was wondering if you are feeling constrained or like you are missing out. Could you be willing to clarify and reassure me you are ok? Would you tell me if you were not? "

You do not solve it by telling him it is ok to have sex without you. That doesn't meet your need for clarification or for reassurance. If anything it brings on more stuff to muddy the waters. Could you improve how you articulate your needs?

The way he's gone about it is making me uncomfortable and resentful towards her even though she's a stranger.
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So now there's this new option and he goes off to exercise it without you guys talking about HOW to execute that before hand. Is this about that? The HOW of it bugs you?

At this point... Could make a list of the behaviors he did in "his way of going about it." Then make a list of the behaviors you would prefer he do instead if that option is still on the table. Then ask him if he's willing to talk and figure out the new way go going about it that doesn't rock your boat so much. What are his proposed ideas for the lists? What if tables are turned and it's you with the other lover?

Or if he doesn't care either way, and you prefer it off the table, go back how it was.

Is it realizing you both have different love styles.? For example, at this point in life I am more willing to open up to people mentally and emotionally first -- before we move on to body. Some people have sex earlier, engage "body" sooner than me -- because that is how they work. They open up mind and heart after.

Maybe it is a combo or none of those things. But I encourage you both to have the conversations you need to be having.

I'm not following what's healthy for me. How do I balance between what makes him happy and me not being a hypocrite? I just need some perspective on this. It's the first time I feel this lost in our ten years together
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Stop seeing this "either/or"

  • Either X which is healthy for me
Or

  • Or Y which makes him happy

Start looking at the problem more like "both/and"

X could both

  • be healthy for me

AND

  • make him happy


I know that's kinda general. But hopefully it helps you sort some.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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I tried to figure out how to link to the section of my "Notebook" blog here where I talked about Dude's first OKC date - but apparently I am not tech-savvy enough for that. The point was that I was reassured by his pre-and-post-date connection with me and the fact that he asked me what I needed to feel secure...and then followed through on my responses! The next dates were that much easier for me because we had a solid base.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
I tried to figure out how to link to the section of my "Notebook" blog here where I talked about Dude's first OKC date - but apparently I am not tech-savvy enough for that. The point was that I was reassured by his pre-and-post-date connection with me and the fact that he asked me what I needed to feel secure...and then followed through on my responses! The next dates were that much easier for me because we had a solid base.
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Hi Jane Q,

Is it post #36 in The Notebook?
(I can't figure out how to link to it either, but searched for "OKC" in that thread.)

Great story!

FAL

--------------------------------

M - Me - Mandelbrot - female, 60 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
Clyde (previously B) - 58 - my husband for over 36 years
Jacques (previously JP) - 60 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture fall of 2013 after 38 years; very long distance; diagnosed with frontotemporal lobe dementia
Artemis (previously A) - 67 - Jacques' wife of over 32 years
 
Iamwaffle said:
Hi everyone, I'm new here and hoping that being a part of the poly community can help with an issue that came up recently.
I'm 26 and have been with my boyfriend since we were both 16. We've been openly poly for about 3 years now. I've had 'flings' with other women who were lesbians as a way to explore my bisexuality, but felt bad that my boyfriend was left out and vowed to try to get threesomes together. We've been with a few women together and when I'm involved, I feel no jealousy seeing him with them and actually enjoy watching him with other women.
He's more extrovert than I am and better with women, and i felt like I was holding him back from exploring other women and the fun he has with meeting them. I told him it was only fair that since I've had sex without him, he should be allowed to have sex without me being involved. Logically it made sense, but yesterday he spent the day with a girl while I was out and for the first time in our relationship, he's had sex with someone I barely had the chance to meet or had him ask for 'permission to move forward'.
I've always had the peace of mind knowing he's been transparent about everything and now I'm feeling incredibly hurt. I know I'm sending him mixed messages but the way he's gone about it is making me uncomfortable and resentful towards her even though she's a stranger. I feel like I'm trying to say what I think sounds good but I'm not following what's healthy for me. How do I balance between what makes him happy and me not being a hypocrite? I just need some perspective on this. It's the first time I feel this lost in our ten years together
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The first thing I noticed was that you seem to view sex, and consequently the people you have sex with as commodities. That isn't particularly unusual, and is evidenced (in my opinion) by the fact that you felt bad that you were having sex with people (who wanted to have sex with you) and he wasn't so you wanted to find people who would make it "equal" and have sex with both of you. I can understand why several people would suggest a sex worker at this point- someone who offers sex as a professional service rather than as part of a bonding experience as your consideration for the feelings of the "third"
seem to be in line with the consideration I have for the fatigue levels of a waitress in the restaurant I'm in. I hope she isn't exhausted or ill or anything, but she's at work so I expect a certain level of service and anything short of that is unacceptable.

The other thing I'd ask is whether you ensured that he met and actively sought permission to have sex with the women you dated? Are your expectations any different because it's an opposite sex partner rather than a same sex partner?

Lastly, are you prepared for the possibility that he does not want to date in a way that inherently allows his longer term partner(s) to have that amount of say in his newer relationships?
 
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