Married and confused

C

cychris888

New member
Hi all,

I am a newbie here!

I am married for 5 years out of a 12 years relation. I love my wife very very much. Although I have questioned my marriage a couple of times in the past I came to the same conclusion that there is no way I can live with out her.

Having said that now, I have had a "problem" these past few weeks. Me and my wife have met this other woman recently. To cut a long story short, I think I have basically fell in love with her too :/ Although I haven't been on a date with her because we are not poly, I feel exactly the same as I did when I met my wife 12 years ago.

Although I love my wife and care so much about her that initial spark when start feeling something for someone is obviously gone after so much time. But feeling the same thing as back then right now is so confusing.

The problem is that she is not only my friend but both of us and to one of our friend circles too. I have zero idea on what to do other than wanting to see her and talk to her all the time! And since I do talk to her almost every day through chat and meet her quite frequently now it just feels both great and suicidal at the same time.

Any help is much appreciated :/
 
Tell your wife.
 
If you feeling suicidal, please seek medical care and/or call a hotline.

It is not "wrong" to notice beauty or experience crushes as a married person. I hope you have not been taught that it is and are now experiencing deep depression or deep angst over it.

I have zero idea on what to do other than wanting to see her and talk to her all the time!
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As for the crush... Why do you have to do anything about it? It's brain chemistry. You are on a high. Of course you want to see her/talk to her. That gives you another hit. :)

You could just enjoy it but leave it be and do nothing. Let it run its course.

If you want to pursue and you are currently Closed? Talk to your wife first about Opening the marriage. Or talk about breaking up. (Because she might not want to Open.) However it is... you become free to date or "dateable." And then you ask the woman out. See what she says.

You do not put cart before horse talking to the woman before you are actually free to date. Or jump into cheating. I don't think that's ethical behavior.

I am in a currently Closed marriage. We are swamped with eldercare and childcare so there isn't time for others. But the option to Open is there and we agree to talk it out should one of us want to pursue.

I happen to have crushes pretty often. They come. They go. I enjoy hanging out with the Crushee. Talking with them, spending time with them. But I have yet to meet a Crushee that moves me to wanting to pursue. Because in talking with them, spending time together, and getting to know them, I usually find that it was a passing crush. Not anything of substance.

You just met recently, you barely know her. You are not in love with your Crushee. You are infatuated with your Crushee.

Which is fine, and it is fun. Enjoy it!

But just because you were once infatuated with your wife and that relationship later changed to love and grew to a life partner... doesn't mean every person you get infatuated with will automatically become life partners too.

Infatuation is just infatuation. It's not a "sign" or "signal" that more will come or it is "destiny" or something. YKWIM?

Basically I am saying... Take it easy. Enjoy the crush feelings, but don't get bent out of shape over it. If you want to let it pass, let it pass. If you want to Open, talk to you wife and sort all that out first before asking the Crush woman out. Keep your head.

Galagirl
 
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GG's advice is good, but be careful about her advice to "just enjoy it." How often are you seeing your crush? How much are you texting her? Do you see her with your wife in tow? Or alone for intimate lunches or something? Does your wife know you are texting the crush?
 
Greetings cychris888,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I guess my initial advice would be for you to decide whether open relationships (e.g. polyamory) are something you want to practice in your life. If your answer is yes, then you need to speak to your wife about it. If your answer is no, then you need to distance yourself from the other woman.

At least that's what I think.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi all,

Thanks for all your responses so far. I welcome more input from others as well.

First of all to answer a couple of questions. No, I am not suicidal. No, I would not cheat on my wife. :)

We have met this woman back in June and then a couple of times in July. In August we have met about 5-6 times but already in September about 8-9. She has become very good friends with both myself and my wife and we text both in group and individually on a daily basis.

I know that a crash from one's end doesn't necessarily mean something from the other end. However given that she knew I am married from the first instance, it kind of means an automatic "no-go" for her I guess. By the way this woman she is very nice to everyone and very easy going person. My first though was that I was kind of mixing her kindness in all this but in fact I am very sure I am not.

Also I did have some crashes with some other women in the past but nothing what so ever like this time. It actually is exactly how I initially felt for my wife in the first place.

I guess as a first step would be to tell my wife but the problem there is that I have no idea how she is going to react. Although I know her so well for 12 years this is unlike anything else we have ever talked about. The thing is that we are talking for pretty much everything and not mentioning this is what's eating me from the inside right now :/

I am thinking of just sucking it up for the next few months maybe and see how I feel then. If it still feels the same then I guess I have to speak to my wife.

To add one last bit, the universe does seem to have a sense of irony....both of them even have the same name!!
 
I guess as a first step would be to tell my wife but the problem there is that I have no idea how she is going to react. Although I know her so well for 12 years this is unlike anything else we have ever talked about. The thing is that we are talking for pretty much everything and not mentioning this is what's eating me from the inside right now :/

I am thinking of just sucking it up for the next few months maybe and see how I feel then. If it still feels the same then I guess I have to speak to my wife.
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Sounds like you have a plan then. You are going to see if the crush fades and becomes a non problem. If it does not, you will tell wife.

Since what is eating you from the inside is NOT talking about this and sharing that emotional intimacy with your wife? In your shoes, I would tell her sooner rather than later.

But I'm not you. You have to decide how you want to deal with it.

Galagirl
 
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Also, the later you tell your wife, the worse she's probably going to react. I'd say talk to your wife in order to be honest. Four months? You're basically having an emotional afair - she could feel really betrayed if you wait more and tell her "honey, you know, I've been in love with this friend for more then half a year now, and I didn't tell you".

If you have a good relationship where you talk about everything, I'd say risk it. Reassure her of your love and willingness to stay faithfull. I think you could ask for support overcomming the crush, like more alone time to process, or more fun dates with your wife, or... I don't know.
As your arrangement is monogamous, unless you decide you want to open badly enough to risk a breakup, be preppared to cut contact with your crush if necessary. Also prepare for the possibility that she will not be willing to listen to you talking about your crush anyway.

If you decide to open and your wife is principially willing, then work starts. Both of you will have to change your expectations, process jealousy at the thought of the other having sex with/getting attached to someone else, grief about not having the partner all for themselves any more (especially her now as you have a potential), and repair any problems in your relationship which you have been sweeped under the rug until now. It will take time, and you will have to take it extra slow with your crush (if she's even willing).

Seek an enthusiastic yes, seek something that's in for your wife too in open relationships. The pittfall I have experienced is the partner trying to do the work because of me, but going against his own grain and thus being completelly stuck with anger. We had a truly terrible, like desperate, half a year before the breakup. So don't push if she's basically oposed, it's not worth it.

GalaGirl said:
In your shoes, since what is eating you from the inside is NOT talking about this and sharing that emotional intimacy with your wife? I would tell her sooner rather than later.
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I can tell you from experience that counting on the other person's awareness of outside factors keeping them from falling in love with you is not a good strategy. If she comes to reciprocate your feelings at all then you are in a jam for certain!

Let's see, things I have relied on to keep feelings in check,
Large Age difference when I was quite young, Nope.
Already roommates in a tight housing market so any break up would be a problem, Nope.
My being happily married would surely keep both of us from even thinking of it. Nope!

Of the last two, one is asleep at the back of the house and the other is gaming next to me.

But to get here? Extremely painful! I, and my husband, Tam, had known that our friend Ray was in love with me for some time but I knew that there was no danger of my falling for Ray as everyone knows I am happily married. I thought I was doing a good job of discouraging Ray while still remaining good friends. I wasn't. To do a good job I would have had to back off considerably but it was so much fun hanging out with Ray all the time!

It was one of the most painful things I have gone through when I realized that I was going to have to break Ray's heart. Obviously I could not leave Tam but breaking Ray's heart was going to break mine. I was seriously nearly walking into walls because I was too tangled up with pain to be aware of my surroundings. I always talk everything out with Tam so he knew I was in love before I did. It was only when he said he was willing to try to cope with my being in love that I could start to get my own mind around the idea. Three years, three prescriptions for anti-depressants, and a bunch of therapy we are muddling along mostly alright.

You will find any number of similar stories in these forums. "I did not mean to fall in love!" "I thought it would be safe to do such and so because there was a rule against having feelings!" etc. If you know you can ride out a serious crush without hurting your wife or your friend then it can be pleasant. I was having a great time until I found my feelings had gone into the danger zone. I just had not banked on having to change all our lives and take on a very steep personal growth learning curve. I definitely would enjoin you to let your wife know you feel like you have a crush. Feelings that are acknowledged are easier to keep an eye on.

Sorry for being a wet blanket.

Leetah
 
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Look, even the most committed monogamous married people experience attractions to others. It's a normal part of being human. Most monogamous married people I've known can acknowledge and/or joke about such attractions because they are mature and trust each other not to act on those attractions. And if you're someone who has integrity and knows how to keep your word, you will honor your monogamous commitment and not act on any "crushes" you have. Yes, that is why people will say, "just enjoy the attraction," because it's assumed that a grown-up has the discipline and ability not to do something stupid.

It seems to me like you're making a big heavy deal out of this, when it really isn't. Even the title of your thread makes me wonder if you came to a polyamory forum looking for some kind of justification to make a move on this woman and, ultimately, cheat. Because how could a simple attraction have you confused about your marriage and how to handle an attraction to someone else? Are you looking for excuses? The fact that you call it a crush and not merely an attraction signifies some sort of obsession to me, and I posit that perhaps you are obsessing on this rather normal attraction to another human being as a way to avoid looking at problems in your marriage that you don't want to have to deal with, like the fact that you no longer feel a spark for your wife.

Take a good hard look at your relationship with your wife. Are you doing everything you can to be a good partner? Are you truly happy and satisfied with the commitment you made to her and to your marriage (partnership )? You need to let go of your fantasies about the woman you're crushing on and take responsibility for your part in letting your marriage lose its spark. Polyamory is not the answer.
 
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Let's nickname this woman Crush.

Is she single? Childless? What is she doing, spending so much time with you two?

You and your wife have been spending a LOT of time with her this summer. 16 times since June! All that proximity is feeding the crush.

Unless you want to Open your relationship, and come clean to your wife, I'd suggest cutting WAY back on time spent with her. Otherwise, you are just asking for trouble.

Are you willing to do that to stop fanning the flames of your heavy infatuation?

How blind is your wife? Do you think she doesn't see it in your manner and behavior that you're crushing hard?
 
Definitely begin by trusting your SO, implicitly AND explicitly.

I doubt that your wife is figuratively blind to your expressions (intentional & not) of your feelings.

If you admit to your unstable position, she will likely be glad to help stabilize you. She might want the friendship to continue growing BUT make clear to you that the extracurricular nonsense will NOT happen. Or she might suggest staying warm with your (for lack of a better term) girlfriend, but backing it down a few notches & reducing the intensity until you are calm & happy.

If she's frighteningly brave, she'll talk to you about it, work out what's in your head & heart & how she feels about it all, then bring your girlfriend into the conversation, fully expecting she might panic & bolt & cut off all contact with both of you... but at least there'd be no more suspense. :D

Your girlfriend is probably flattered at the attention the two of you are giving. Of COURSE she's going to enjoy that!! And (IME) a single person is often more willing to "let her/his hair down" in a monogamist context with a closed couple, as compared to a member of the other gender (single or encoupled) because "they won't get the wrong idea." ;) That means you're probably seeing a more complete & honest version of her than most would be allowed... but you risk receiving that from a lie, the false premise that "nothing is ever going to happen."

Making an admitted leap here, I don't get the feeling that you (as an individual) are quite ready to move into polyamory -- though head-on experience with the feelings & the situation will lead you toward making good choices in the future. And though your wife could surprise you, it doesn't sound like you (as a couple) are ready for polyamory. But, heck, the door's open, okay? :) I hope you'll remain in touch here.
 
cychris888 said:
No, I would not cheat on my wife.
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Precisely, how do you define "cheat on my wife?" How do you think your wife would define it?

nycindie said:
Most monogamous married people I've known can acknowledge and/or joke about such attractions because they are mature and trust each other not to act on those attractions. And if you're someone who has integrity and knows how to keep your word, you will honor your monogamous commitment and not act on any "crushes" you have. Yes, that is why people will say, "just enjoy the attraction," because it's assumed that a grown-up has the discipline and ability not to do something stupid.
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And all the more reason to tell your wife about the crush, because (a) honesty & communication are important regardless, and (b) if she knows about it, and you know she knows about it, you'll be less likely to do something stupid, knowing she's keeping a closer eye on that kind of thing. And then if it does grow into something more, she's already prepped for it rather than out of left field.
 
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