For the record (as it pertains to the conversation in this thread), MrS and I got married without the expectation of monogamy. The form that this non-monogamy has taken and our agreements have evolved over time (which is not inconsistent with the vows that we made to each other). Although we have had our share of rough spots, sadness, and fights - our relationship has grown and deepened over time. This has allowed our trust and devotion to expand as well. I love (and like
) my husband more with each and every passing year...which I did not
realize would happen (I was happy then, thought I was at the peak of what "happy" could be - so pleasantly surprised to be WRONG!
There have been times, Miss Q, since you've joined this forum that I've been CONVINCED I'm your doppleganger. This is one of them.
MC and I have been married for almost 12 years, together for 14.5. TGIB and I started dating 2.5 years ago (after knowing each other and playing online for YEARS), lasted for 9 months, took a "break" of about a year, and have been back together for 7 months. This time around, we are not "just dating". We both realized a few things and did some growing during our time apart, and a couple months after we started talking again we made a commitment to each other. We may never live together, share finances, etc. but we plan on being a part of each other's lives from now on. In some ways our NRE is past, but we're also long-distance at the moment, so I know we'll have a different type of NRE to get through when he moves to CA and I get to see him every day.
All 3 of us are invested in doing the communicating that needs to be done and finding solutions when their are issues in any of the relationships. It's one of the reasons I don't think I could be in a poly relationship with someone my husband wasn't friends with. (Before TGIB I had what I guess could be considered FWB's that MC wasn't friends with, but no committed relationships beyond friendship.) It would feel odd to me to make a promise to someone who couldn't hang out with me AND MC during our day-to-day life. Yes, I want quality alone time with each of them, but especially with two kids I can't see myself being with someone long-term who didn't fit into my already-existing family, whether that person lived with us or not. Since what happens in each of my relationships affects the rest to one degree or another, and I know there will be times I need support from one of my partners to help me work on things with the other, for me it makes everything so much easier if my partners like each other for themselves, not just as my other partner. I know not everyone has or wants that level of connection between their partners or with their metamour(s), but I believe it seriously lessens the possibility for drama, jealousy, resentment, and all the other roadblocks relationships (poly or not) can run into.