M44 F41 f unicorn 30. 44 and 41 Married 16years. About 9 months ago my wife and I entered a threesome with her friend of 10 year unicorn. It was all preplanned with hotel and bar close by. We all engaged into play with each other 2 times that day and all really enjoyed it. Me m44 followed 1 rule that night per wife. Only thing I was not allowed to do at that time was penetrate unicorn with my male equipment. We all agreed wanted do this stuff again. So we did. Second time I was allowed to penetrate the unicorn and I liked it very much. Only a couple mins. Since then we have had several other play times. But I definitely seem to enjoy more than wife. Although she is definitely a willing participant. So now unicorn tells us both she loves us both. My wife swears she will never truly love her in the way she loves me. I feel something for the unicorn but still love my wife dearly. Some things have caused my wife jealousy which is not her normal rather it’s usually mine. But since day one I’m ok with anything the 2 females do when I’m absent which still hasn’t. But I’m not allowed alone time with unicorn per wife. I love my wife she likes things we all do together not only just sexually. So I’m lost I don’t know to express my feelings to my wife or wait. I want this to go on for a long time.
Married couple first three some with unicorn friend
- Thread starter Titanic74
- Start date
Lonlygirl64
New member
Let me get the rules straight:
Before first encounter -- No penetration
During second encounter-- Some penetration but only briefly
Subsequent encounters-- Were you allowed penetration?
Wife can play with unicorn whenever she wants though she has not? Is that correct? But you are not allowed alone time with unicorn?
Ok, here are my questions: Why did you invite unicorn into your bed? Did you want to see her and your wife or was she there for all to share equally? Why were you not allowed to penetrate initially but then allowed after the first time? What are your wife's jealousy issues? What do YOU want from meeting the unicorn separately?
Before first encounter -- No penetration
During second encounter-- Some penetration but only briefly
Subsequent encounters-- Were you allowed penetration?
Wife can play with unicorn whenever she wants though she has not? Is that correct? But you are not allowed alone time with unicorn?
Ok, here are my questions: Why did you invite unicorn into your bed? Did you want to see her and your wife or was she there for all to share equally? Why were you not allowed to penetrate initially but then allowed after the first time? What are your wife's jealousy issues? What do YOU want from meeting the unicorn separately?
vinsanity0
Active member
Wow, this sounds like so much something that happened to me, minus any no penetration parts. It did not end well due to my girlfriend being an extremely jealous person, as well as the "unicorn" not being okay with the no 1 on 1 with me thing.
My advice is to step back and you (the original couple) work out what this means for your relationship. Think of your current relationship being over. You would be embarking on a new type of relationship. You would no longer be a couple in the traditional sense of the word. After that you would need to work out those trust and insecurity issues that result in making up rules.
Right now it sounds like your wife is bi-sexual or bi-curious, but not bi-romantic. It sounds like you could be both sexual and romantic with the other woman. Your wife thinks that keeping you two apart will keep the marriage together.
Love is love. There is no " more" or "less". A triad is never going to work if the people are trying to compare like that.
My advice is to step back and you (the original couple) work out what this means for your relationship. Think of your current relationship being over. You would be embarking on a new type of relationship. You would no longer be a couple in the traditional sense of the word. After that you would need to work out those trust and insecurity issues that result in making up rules.
Right now it sounds like your wife is bi-sexual or bi-curious, but not bi-romantic. It sounds like you could be both sexual and romantic with the other woman. Your wife thinks that keeping you two apart will keep the marriage together.
Love is love. There is no " more" or "less". A triad is never going to work if the people are trying to compare like that.
Hi Titanic74,
I think you should let things develop naturally, like you should express your feelings to your wife when you feel like the time is right, like when it comes up in a conversation. It sounds like you are having a really enjoyable time with your unicorn, keep getting together with her for threesomes sometimes, also work toward eventually having more one-on-one time with her. Talk with her as well! Good luck.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I think you should let things develop naturally, like you should express your feelings to your wife when you feel like the time is right, like when it comes up in a conversation. It sounds like you are having a really enjoyable time with your unicorn, keep getting together with her for threesomes sometimes, also work toward eventually having more one-on-one time with her. Talk with her as well! Good luck.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I’m not saying it is fair to unicorn or not. Unicorn was my wife’s friend for many years. She brought up the idea of a theeesome to us. We talked about it and ended up doing it. Both extremely enjoyed it. So we have continued. My wife is never been a jealous person she blames it on her own securities herself now. Unicorn has only ever been with one other guy and a few girls. She prefers the connection with the females better. But also enjoys the company and sexually of a man also. I know this is a lot to process for me especially that’s why I’m looking for advice from people in here to help me decide best route.
Why is wife in charge of you and what you do? Or do you mean "Wife asked I don't spend time alone with Unicorn yet for X weeks so she can get used to it first." Cuz one way sounds being bossy/controlling of you. The other way means requesting you go slow so she has time to adjust.
I suggest being honest with wife and asking clarifying questions if you are confused.
Something like...
"Wife, I find this pleasant. I would like to continue. But I feel a bit lost/confused.
I notice you like things we all do together, and not just the three people sex. I also notice that you struggle with the idea of me and Unicorn doing things on our own. What is this to you? A fun experiment like a one time or short term thing? You only wanted to share sex but not share love? Something else?
Me? I would like it to be a continuing thing if all parties are ok with that.
I'd like us to talk to Unicorn and see what she thinks this all is.
If this is a one time thing, that's fine. We call it a fun experiment, and not pursue any more. Just let it go.
If this is going to be a continuing thing, I think we might all need to talk together so we are all on the same page on what KIND of continuing thing this is. If we continue, I will want to spend time with you alone, time with Unicorn alone, and time all three together. If you and Unicorn want to spend time alone, I think that's fine too.
Not just sharing sex, but sharing time, dates, an eventually maybe love.
I also know all sides of a triangle don't have to be equal -- Unicorn is more into women than men. But I want to talk about it so we all agree on what this is so misunderstandings and hurt feelings can be minimized.
I notice you like things we all do together, and not just the three people sex. I also notice that you struggle with the idea of me and Unicorn doing things on our own. What is this to you? A fun experiment like a one time or short term thing? You only wanted to share sex but not share love? Something else?
Me? I would like it to be a continuing thing if all parties are ok with that.
I'd like us to talk to Unicorn and see what she thinks this all is.
If this is a one time thing, that's fine. We call it a fun experiment, and not pursue any more. Just let it go.
If this is going to be a continuing thing, I think we might all need to talk together so we are all on the same page on what KIND of continuing thing this is. If we continue, I will want to spend time with you alone, time with Unicorn alone, and time all three together. If you and Unicorn want to spend time alone, I think that's fine too.
Not just sharing sex, but sharing time, dates, an eventually maybe love.
I also know all sides of a triangle don't have to be equal -- Unicorn is more into women than men. But I want to talk about it so we all agree on what this is so misunderstandings and hurt feelings can be minimized.
Before you do anything else, step back and get clear with both of them what this is, what you each expect from it, what you each want from it, etc. What you ARE and ARE NOT up for.
If everyone matches? Great!
If not? Like one person wants this, the other wants that, the third wants something else and these wants are all mutually exclusive?
Stop and don't pursue further.
HTH!
Galagirl
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I think it's natural the women love each other, after all, they've been friends for a long time! Now they are FWBs... maybe it will evolve to feeling like romantic partners, girlfriends.
Were you also good friends with Unicorn? Perhaps you love her, in a friend way. Perhaps, now that you're having sex, you will come to love her in a deeper way. Sex can make us feel deeper feelings for someone.
This is a board for polyamory, not just sexual threesomes. So you're going to get advice about the "amor" part, ie: romantic feelings, love.
How integrated is Unicorn in your lives now? How integrated would you like her to be? How often would you like to see her? How often would Wife like to see her? How free is Unicorn to get together?
Do you have kids? Does Unicorn often visit? Why did you choose a hotel room for your first 2 sexual encounters? Has she since been at your house for sex? If you have kids, how old are they? Will they figure out you three have progressed from friends to lovers (kids pick up on PDAs, snuggles, romantic gazes and so on...).
Edit: I see this has been going on for 9 months already. Why are you just now starting to question things? What do you need to learn, what do you wish to express to your Wife and Unicorn?
Does Unicorn have other lovers now? Or is she single? Is she looking for monogamy, a partner, marriage, kids? Is this just playtime to her or is she willing to go deeper and become you and your wife's actual romantic partner, with hopes of a long term romantic life partner sort of relationship?
Was this supposed to be just a fling, but now one or all of you feel it's something else? Is this overwhelming? Scary? Sometimes when you take a relationship with a platonic friend into the sexual realm, emotions change radically. Wife is jealous/envious. She wants to protect her status, so she's not giving permission for you to have one on one dates/sex with Unicorn. How do you and Unicorn feel about that? What will happen to the friendship between Wife and Unicorn if the jealousy and competition continue?
I agree you all need to talk about "feelings." What do they mean for the future?
Were you also good friends with Unicorn? Perhaps you love her, in a friend way. Perhaps, now that you're having sex, you will come to love her in a deeper way. Sex can make us feel deeper feelings for someone.
This is a board for polyamory, not just sexual threesomes. So you're going to get advice about the "amor" part, ie: romantic feelings, love.
How integrated is Unicorn in your lives now? How integrated would you like her to be? How often would you like to see her? How often would Wife like to see her? How free is Unicorn to get together?
Do you have kids? Does Unicorn often visit? Why did you choose a hotel room for your first 2 sexual encounters? Has she since been at your house for sex? If you have kids, how old are they? Will they figure out you three have progressed from friends to lovers (kids pick up on PDAs, snuggles, romantic gazes and so on...).
Edit: I see this has been going on for 9 months already. Why are you just now starting to question things? What do you need to learn, what do you wish to express to your Wife and Unicorn?
Does Unicorn have other lovers now? Or is she single? Is she looking for monogamy, a partner, marriage, kids? Is this just playtime to her or is she willing to go deeper and become you and your wife's actual romantic partner, with hopes of a long term romantic life partner sort of relationship?
Was this supposed to be just a fling, but now one or all of you feel it's something else? Is this overwhelming? Scary? Sometimes when you take a relationship with a platonic friend into the sexual realm, emotions change radically. Wife is jealous/envious. She wants to protect her status, so she's not giving permission for you to have one on one dates/sex with Unicorn. How do you and Unicorn feel about that? What will happen to the friendship between Wife and Unicorn if the jealousy and competition continue?
I agree you all need to talk about "feelings." What do they mean for the future?
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Unicorn has no other lovers. Doesn’t want any either. Wants to explore what this is with us only. She comes over when time permits and we PLAY. We go out to eat all together sometimes. Even been on long weekends alone together. Even a vacation. We all enjoy time together. But we are all new to this situation so we are taking stuff slow. She does respect that we as a couple are married and hasn’t tried to butt in and change that.
So, the main problem is (I think?) Wife doesn't want one on one sex with Unicorn, and she doesn't want you and Unicorn to have one on one sex. Because she is insecure that somehow one on one sex involving Unicorn will destroy your marriage. All sex with Unicorn must involve all 3.
And you don't like that.
Unicorn is OK with it, apparently. Because she doesn't want to butt in and change your marriage.
What about non-sexual one on one time? I assume Wife and Unicorn had that many many times in the past, and maybe now? Do you get one on one non-sexual bonding time with Unicorn?
Do you love her? Does she love you? It's been 9 months. How has your marriage changed with a new shared partner for both you and Wife?
We often say, when a formerly mono relationship becomes poly, the old relationship is dead, and a new one has arrived. Does it feel like that to you and/or Wife? Is the new relationship OK? Are there wobbles?
I guess there are no kids involved; that makes things easier. Sex can be rather spontaneous.
Well... I think the health of a polyship depends on the health of all the "mini relationships" inside it.
You and wife are a couple. Sounds like Unicorn respects that and doesn't butt in.
You and Unicorn becoming a couple. Does wife respect that or butt in?
Wife and Unicorn becoming a couple? Do you respect that or butt in?
Because Primary-secondary model, while easiest to imagine maybe... sometimes poops out. Then what do to?
You might want to look at Pros and Cons of the Primary/Secondary Model at http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships
Galagirl
WhatHappened
Active member
"Unicorn" is going to feel, sooner or later, that she's being treated as a sex toy to spice up your relationship. And I can't think of a single way I could convince her that's not the case.
Oh, well, as long as you and your wife are happy, who really cares if you treat another person like a sex toy.
That was sarcasm. In case you missed it. Because apparently you've missed that she's being treated like a sex toy.
I disagree, WhatHappened. You seem to be jumping to conclusions. This triad involves 2 women who have been platonic friends for years, long before they had sex. So obviously it's not a case of a unicorn just being used for sex.
This triad has had long weekends and longer vacations together. Of course, they are not having sex constantly on these vacations. Of course, they are sightseeing, going to the bathroom, eating, shopping, talking, driving or walking through airports, flying, arranging accommodations, etc., etc.
I am still waiting for an answer as to whether there is much non-sexual bonding date time, one on one, with Wife+Unicorn alone, or Titanic+Unicorn alone. Surely there are times on vacation where Wife or Titanic are otherwise occupied, sleeping, showering, running an errand, and so Unicorn is left alone with one or the other of her lovers. And I suspect long term female friends will enjoy doing some girly shopping that Titanic isn't interested in now and then.
If this is the case, is that seen as threatening to the marriage of Wife+Titanic? If not, why not? If it is, why? If it's OK for any 2 dyads to have one on one time, why is sexual intimacy one on one with only one member of the original couple seen as threatening?
I think if Titanic wants one on one sex with Unicorn, he should be asking both his partners about the nature of the actual threat one on one dates, romance AND sex is imagined to be. Where does the threat lie? Why should it be distancing?
After all, if 3 people are friends, they MAY enjoy most when all 3 are together. But they also enjoy when just 2 of the 3 are together. It may actually be a relief to just be the 2 of them now and then. It gives you time to get to know each other in a different way.
And of course, some friends of friends do not get along. Sometimes I have had 2 friends whom I loved dearly, but these 2 friends didn't really click. Because they each satisfy different interests I have, but they don't necessarily share those interests with each other.
I think this thread is a case where monogamist thinking is still hanging on in a polyamorous situation. The Wife thinks: sex between the married couple is sacred. The sex, and the bond, of the married couple is paramount. Therefore, the married couple can have one on one sex whenever they want. But the sex and bond with Unicorn, while fun, is just not as important as the marriage bond. Therefore it doesn't need to be nurtured by one on one time, either romantic or sexual.
I'm of the opinion that one on one sex is more intimate than any group sex could ever be. Wife seems to agree. So she's hellbent on limiting one on one sex to just her and Titanic. Unicorn just isn't allowed to have this privilege. Wife and Unicorn seem very fearful that somehow if Unicorn has one on one sex with either of her lovers, the original marriage will automatically fall apart!
We poly folks who are in a couple, but date others separately, know that one on one sex with our OSO(s) does not automatically cause a rift in the original couple, as long as the original couple continues to nurture their relationship with romantic dates, proper scheduling of meetings or texting, phone calls, etc., with other lovers, care taken as to finances for dates, and childcare arranged so one partner doesn't feel like they are left behind babysitting while the other partner is out having adult fun. Any one member of a poly couple should make sure their original partner will be OK while they are gone. They've done their chores and errands, there are supplies in, there's a set way to check in on the phone, either for a goodnight text, or for emergencies.
In fact, although my partner Pixi and I usually date separately, we have experimented a bit with threesome or foursome sex with a couple of my bfs. The worst part of that was my bf getting distracted by NRE sex with Pixi (or another female friend we had there for that foursome), and neglecting me. So it caused a rift between me and the bf who neglected me, not a rift between me and Pixi. It actually brought Pixi and me closer, because she saw I was hurt, and she shared my anger after the fact, at how the bf neglected me to spend more time focused on pleasing himself with her, or pleasing her (or the other woman we had the foursome with), leaving me hanging, turned on and unsatisfied.
That doesn't seem to be the case here. Titanic doesn't seem, during sex, to be bad at making sure Wife is satisfied even though Unicorn is also involved in the sex. He doesn't seem to be letting his NRE run wild, and be neglecting Wife. This should be reassuring to Wife, that even if Titanic and Unicorn have one on one sex, somehow she will be neglected and maybe even abandoned completely, divorced, just because Titanic and Unicorn have sex occasionally without her. And likewise, Unicorn and Wife aren't having one on one sex, because they have an erroneous belief that this will cause Titanic to feel neglected, and fear complete abandonment. They don't believe he is absolutely fine with any one on one sex, involving him, or not!
And it's been going on for 9 months. The women are very stubborn! Why aren't they hearing Titanic's wishes? Why are they putting their own fears ahead of his desires and reassurances?
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MayDecember
New member
The prohibition on 1:1 time strikes me as awfully insecure and controlling.
WhatHappened
Active member
And yet, everyone has made the same comment: the 'unicorn,' (notice we're not referring to her as the 'friend' but as the 'unicorn' which in itself tells us about what's important in this relationship) is allowed to have sexual relations with these two only in a threesome. Wife doesn't want sex with her and wife doesn't allow Titanic to have sex with her outside of threesomes.
If she is allowed to be sexual only with the two of them both present, this is practically the definition of being used as a sex toy. If I'm jumping to conclusions that this is going to eventually cause resentment, then we need to go through these forums and change our advice to dozens, if not hundreds, of visitors and members here over the years.
I have yet to see one instance where someone says this is a great way to treat someone. Much less have I seen a single instance where a woman remains in a relationship where she is allowed sex only with the couple and never one on one, while the couple may have sex one on one without her.
I stand by what I said. The fact that these two women were platonic friends is not going to make this woman agreeable to being treated as a sex toy.
I called her Unicorn not because I think unicorn status is healthy, but because that is what the OP called her. Maybe if he stopped thinking of her as a unicorn, his problems would be easier to work on and solve. I also did not fail to notice, that the wife gets a "F" in her description, and the other woman is lowercase unicorn, lower case "f." What the fuck? I mean, maybe there's some Dom/Domme/sub stuff going on complicating the whole thing. But Titanic, our sinking ship of a "M," doesn't mention that dynamic.
And he hasn't bothered to continue to post on this thread except for one sentence, agreeing with everything I said. So, we may never know if poor lower case "unicorn f" ever gets to have one on one sex or dates with either of her partners. However, she doesn't seem to WANT one on one sex. It's Titanic who does. And he's not talking anymore.
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