Married man who wants second partner

K

Killerwave87

New member
Hi my name is Mike and I'm 35. I've been married to my wonderful wife for just over a year but we've been together for 12. She is absolutely wonderful and we have a great relationship. She's always been super supportive and open to my sexual habits. I have an extremely active libido and it has not slowed down as I've gotten older. In my opinion it's actually increased. She has always kept me satisfied, but after our wedding her sex drive seemed to plummet. We went from having sex three times a week to once every two weeks. We did however get pregnant but that has only worsened her libido. I fully understand that her hormones are out of whack and I have not pressured her or complained. I do not want to be that guy.

But our living situation is a unique one. Our house has a one bedroom apartment attached and her lifelong best friend lives with us. I've always had a small crush on her friend, but since the pregnancy began my feelings have grown. Her friend is also 35 and is a virgin. I'm pretty sure she's never even kissed a man. She's been helping me get the house ready and helping me buy clothes and bras for my wife (they both have huge boobs and as a man I have zero clue what is comfortable lol). We've always had a great relationship and I could tell she has a crush on me too. I'm the only man who gives her attention as she is extremely shy and has zero confidence in herself.

I have never cheated on my wife, and the few times I brought up bringing a third person in did not go well. She is very jealous. I obviously do not want to hurt her or ruin my marriage, but the lack of physical intimacy is killing me. And my crush for my roommate gets bigger everyday. We talk more now than ever and we've started to drift into conversations about sex. Should I tell my roommate about my feelings and how I'm struggling? It's really weighing on me heavily.
 
Hello Mike,

I think it's okay to confess your feelings to the friend, as long as the friend understands that you can't act on those feelings without your wife's go-ahead. Also I think you might want to inform your wife of your feelings for the friend. Tell your wife that you totally respect your wishes, and will not act on those feelings unless she gives you the go-ahead. I have to say, it seems unlikely that your wife will accept you having a relationship with this friend, considering how jealous she is and plus friends may be on her messy list. But you can't know that for sure if you don't ask. So, bring it up and ask. I hope that conversation has a positive outcome.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Welcome to the forum.

I am sorry, but I disagree with Kevin. Starting an affair when your wife is pregnant makes you "that guy"!

Do NOT tell Friend that you have a crush on her. In fact, start spending less time with her, and start spending more time with your wife. Now is when she needs you most. And she'll keep needing you after the baby comes, and Baby will need you too! Come on, man. You're bringing a new life into the world. Don't shake up your marriage now.

This would be a terrible way to "reward" your wife for 12 good years of companionship and good sex. I am not sure why her libido dropped even before she got pregnant. Do you?

Did you two decide to get married because you wanted to start raising a family? Then don't hurt your family-to-be by starting to cheat on your wife now. She said no to opening your marriage. An open marriage or polyamory means you have to be ethical. You do it with the joyful consent (not permission) of all parties. She has already not consented.

Your wife is growing a CHILD inside her BODY. Your child.

Don't be "that guy."
 
What I just read was:

Your pregnant wife's lifelong best friend lives with you. She has never had a sexual relationship before, ever. You and she are starting to flirt with each other. Your wife is not interested in having a non-monogamous relationship, from the sounds of it.

Is that accurate?

There are solutions to the libido mismatch between you and your wife; pursuing a relationship with her best friend that lives in your house is probably the worst possible solution imaginable.

You want the advice of a stranger on the internet? You and your wife need a lot of honest discussions and counselling, with a professional, to figure out how to address your needs.

This scenario, with your wife's best friend? This is a live hand grenade, waiting to explode and kill everything you care about. The most likely outcome of pursuing it is:
  • You destroy your relationship with your wife.
  • You destroy your relationship with your wife's best friend.
  • You destroy your wife's relationship with her lifelong best friend, which would probably be the shittiest part, tbh.
  • Your wife's best friend is forced to find a new living situation.
  • All of this takes up every second of your time and attention while arguably the most important thing you should be focused on right now is supporting your wife in, you know, creating an entire new human being.
I think the best things you could do for yourself, your wife, and your roommate are, in order:
  1. Stop flirting with your roommate.
  2. Seek relationship counselling with your wife.
Best of luck, stranger.
 
I have never cheated on my wife, and the few times I brought up bringing a third person in did not go well. She is very jealous.
Click to expand...

So what makes you think bringing it up AGAIN while she's pregnant by suggesting you share sex with her best friend AND roomie is a grand idea?

If you are not into marriage or fatherhood after all, that sucks, since a baby is already on the way. But better to talk to wife and admit it, break up decently as possible, and set up child support, than do this wacky thing of taking up with the best friend.

I obviously do not want to hurt her or ruin my marriage, but the lack of physical intimacy is killing me.
Click to expand...

Pregnancy is not forever.

Masturbate more on your own.

Talk to your wife. Maybe you can explore other things like her watching/holding you while you masturbate. Watch sexy movies together. Get creative about pregnant partnered sex.

See a doc about your libido if it really is excessive, or there's hormone disorder or something.

And my crush for my roommate gets bigger every day.
Click to expand...

If the goal is to get over the roomie crush, spend less time with the roomie, rather than more time. Put some distance in there. Go hang out with your other friends. You DO have other friends, right?

When is the lease up, maybe you give the roomie notice, and don't renew it, so you don't have to live there with temptation next door any more.

We talk more now than ever, and we've started to drift into conversations about sex.
Click to expand...

Not appropriate. Cut it out if you are the one doing it.

If she starts talking about sex, say, "I'm not comfortable with that. It's too weird. Let's stop and change the topic." If this keeps up and she doesn't cut it out, say, "It's now been 3 times. You did not respect my limit when I told you to stop. I need to tell my wife about this because you aren't being much of a friend to me, not respecting my limit, and you aren't being much of a friend, hitting on your friend's husband."

Then you and wife talk and do NOT renew the lease with this friend. You don't need to live with/next to a sexual harasser/disrespectful person. Do not become one yourself. Have firm boundaries.
  • A landlord does NOT hit on a tenant, and a tenant does NOT hit on a landlord.
  • You don't hit on a housemate/neighbor, and a neighbor/housemate does not hit on you.
  • You don't go after your wife's best friend, and wife's best friend doesn't go after you.

Should I tell my roommate about my feelings and how I'm struggling? It's really weighing on me heavily.
Click to expand...

What happens if she takes offense? You have now made the roomie relationship weird.

And if she also tells your wife, you have made things with your wife weird.

Have you been using your roomie like a free therapist? You could talk to a professional counselor instead, if you are struggling with the changes of pregnancy, impending fatherhood, less sex, etc. Deal with this APPROPRIATELY.

I fully understand that her hormones are out of whack and I have not pressured her or complained. I do not want to be that guy.
Click to expand...

You might not be "that guy" who pressures a pregnant wife for sex because he's a horndog. But you are in danger of becoming "one of those guys" if you are thinking about hitting on her BEST FRIEND who happens to live there. That's a super lazy cheating affair target. You didn't even have to get off the couch. It's not discreet. AND it would be with the person she would have turned to for help, WHILE she's pregnant with your child.

Is this your idea of a supportive and helpful spouse?

You are playing with fire. Cut it out.

Her friend is also 35 and is a virgin.
Click to expand...

Who on earth told you that? The friend? The wife? That's personal data you don't need to know. It is not your job to "fix it" or "give her experiences."

Talk to a counselor. Leave the friend alone and say nothing about your crush.

That is my suggestion to you.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Your wife might SOMEDAY consent to some form of an open marriage BUT ONLY IF you DO NOT cheat on her with, or ask permission to sleep with, HER LIFELONG BEST FRIEND WHO LIVES IN YOUR HOUSE while your wife is PREGNANT WITH YOUR CHILD.

You would destroy your marriage, your wife's best friendship, and your roommate's living situation all in one go. You'd be THAT GUY.

I know you're horny, man. But you gotta do something else with it. (Such as look at a lot of big boob porn, or try talking to your wife about sex, or something).
 
As others have said, your wife doesn't agree to polyamory, and a "lifelong best friend" is out of question for most people.
She will need an uncomplicated relationship with her lifelong best friend, who can provide support of all kinds when baby is born. You need your wife to have that friendship so that you're not her sole source of support. Get away from that friend.

Opening up is one hell of an emotional rollercoaster for most people. So is having a child. Don't do both at the same time.

Killerwave87 said:
the lack of physical intimacy is killing me.
Click to expand...
I do think you should tell your wife this. Marriage counselling and working on your relationship are a good idea. See how you can satisfy your need for intimacy together, if not your sex drive.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top