chainoffools
New member
This post has been edited -The original content has been deleted because too much identifying information was included.
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Married, new to poly, primary partner struggling
- Thread starter chainoffools
- Start date
I'm sorry you struggle.
You ARE receiving a lot of wrath.
You haven't done anything wrong or against agreements that I can see in your post. At most, maybe you got a little TMI with description of the kinky sex you shared with friend. I don't see why that needed to be processed for weeks. It could be enough to say "We shared sex. We used safer sex practices" and leave it at that.
Just because your wife wants to know TMI details doesn't mean you give them. (You + friend sex details) are between you and friend. Just like (you + wife sex details) are between you and wife. A basic knowledge for sex health hygiene is enough. You shared sex with X, you did use safer sex practices. Sex labs once in a while. That's fair and reasonable data to share with all your concurrent lovers.
I don't think raging at you is "fine" or just "her way of processing."
If this IS how she normally deals with things? I would wonder if she's got one of the conditions from out of the fog. You mentioned moments of clarity. That's a thing. Did you mean it like that?
Regardless, I would encourage a check up.
Then don't talk right now. If all she's going to do is rain more verbal abuse at you? Skip it.
Get your own laptop or go to the library to use them there. Quit using hers.
Or use her laptop and ignore that the password is currently your friend's name.
Or simply change it to something neutral and tell her what it is. If the laptop password becomes a source of dinging you again? Quit using it. Make yourself undingable from that avenue. Use the library computers and get a device of your own eventually.
What's this about an "escape plan?" Is it that she bit off more than she could chew and now feels trapped or stuck with poly? She could request you stop seeing friend. Not DEMAND. Like "I thought I could handle it but I cannot. Could you please be willing to stop?" and be more emotionally honest with you.
I also wonder why it is neither you nor her seem to think she needs to apologize for her raging at you, calling you names like "whore" or "asshole" and continuing to tantrum at you like this. If she's so worried about you becoming resentful of her... how does she think these behaviors will make you feel? JOYFUL toward her?
To me you sound like a combo of angry (I was duped, you wanted this, I played by the rules, so how come I get dumped on?) and worried (Are you ok? What the heck was that?)
I suggest you stop seeing the friend for now, since it was casual anyway. See each other some other time, but don't plan any trips to visit next week.
Take care of YOUR basics -- sleep, eat, exercise, chores, work, etc. Just live life as normal.
Let things calm down for a few days. All you have done is be up front and honest and tried to honor your agreements.
Give her space. You could let her sit and stew on her own and deal with her emotions on her own. You do not have to help her. She's an adult. When you try to help and you end up blasted? Quit helping.
You could exercise healthy personal boundaries. If she starts up again looking for a fight? You could tell her that you would like to talk, but only when she's calm and only after she's been to a check up. You are not up for another round of rage. Raging like that and later punishing you is not how healthy adults behave in a relationship. In your shoes? I would want to know if there's something going on medically that is making her act that way since it sounds out of character. So before more talking? A time out to calm down on both sides, and a check up, please.
Ultimately if whatever it is cannot be solved or healed? You could walk away. You do not have to stay in a relationship that says one thing, and then does another with bonus rage/verbal abuse added on top. You are not put on Earth to be someone's mind reader or punching bag.
But take a deep breath and take it one thing at a time. Perhaps it is solvable.
Then I'd strongly suggest a check up then to rule out anything medical.
Galagirl
You ARE receiving a lot of wrath.
You haven't done anything wrong or against agreements that I can see in your post. At most, maybe you got a little TMI with description of the kinky sex you shared with friend. I don't see why that needed to be processed for weeks. It could be enough to say "We shared sex. We used safer sex practices" and leave it at that.
Just because your wife wants to know TMI details doesn't mean you give them. (You + friend sex details) are between you and friend. Just like (you + wife sex details) are between you and wife. A basic knowledge for sex health hygiene is enough. You shared sex with X, you did use safer sex practices. Sex labs once in a while. That's fair and reasonable data to share with all your concurrent lovers.
I don't think raging at you is "fine" or just "her way of processing."
If this IS how she normally deals with things? I would wonder if she's got one of the conditions from out of the fog. You mentioned moments of clarity. That's a thing. Did you mean it like that?
Regardless, I would encourage a check up.
Then don't talk right now. If all she's going to do is rain more verbal abuse at you? Skip it.
Get your own laptop or go to the library to use them there. Quit using hers.
Or use her laptop and ignore that the password is currently your friend's name.
Or simply change it to something neutral and tell her what it is. If the laptop password becomes a source of dinging you again? Quit using it. Make yourself undingable from that avenue. Use the library computers and get a device of your own eventually.
What's this about an "escape plan?" Is it that she bit off more than she could chew and now feels trapped or stuck with poly? She could request you stop seeing friend. Not DEMAND. Like "I thought I could handle it but I cannot. Could you please be willing to stop?" and be more emotionally honest with you.
I also wonder why it is neither you nor her seem to think she needs to apologize for her raging at you, calling you names like "whore" or "asshole" and continuing to tantrum at you like this. If she's so worried about you becoming resentful of her... how does she think these behaviors will make you feel? JOYFUL toward her?
To me you sound like a combo of angry (I was duped, you wanted this, I played by the rules, so how come I get dumped on?) and worried (Are you ok? What the heck was that?)
I suggest you stop seeing the friend for now, since it was casual anyway. See each other some other time, but don't plan any trips to visit next week.
Take care of YOUR basics -- sleep, eat, exercise, chores, work, etc. Just live life as normal.
Let things calm down for a few days. All you have done is be up front and honest and tried to honor your agreements.
Give her space. You could let her sit and stew on her own and deal with her emotions on her own. You do not have to help her. She's an adult. When you try to help and you end up blasted? Quit helping.
You could exercise healthy personal boundaries. If she starts up again looking for a fight? You could tell her that you would like to talk, but only when she's calm and only after she's been to a check up. You are not up for another round of rage. Raging like that and later punishing you is not how healthy adults behave in a relationship. In your shoes? I would want to know if there's something going on medically that is making her act that way since it sounds out of character. So before more talking? A time out to calm down on both sides, and a check up, please.
Ultimately if whatever it is cannot be solved or healed? You could walk away. You do not have to stay in a relationship that says one thing, and then does another with bonus rage/verbal abuse added on top. You are not put on Earth to be someone's mind reader or punching bag.
But take a deep breath and take it one thing at a time. Perhaps it is solvable.
Then I'd strongly suggest a check up then to rule out anything medical.
Galagirl
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chainoffools
New member
awesome
this is great advice, thank you so much for taking the time to give it.
you've really hit the nail on the head with a lot of what you've said, and i've got a lot to digest!
one thing i did struggle with was the "TMI" bit -my wife demanded details that I was uncomfortable giving about me sleeping with my friend. i should have continued refusing to share them, and in the future won't make that mistake again.
thank you again.
this is great advice, thank you so much for taking the time to give it.
you've really hit the nail on the head with a lot of what you've said, and i've got a lot to digest!
one thing i did struggle with was the "TMI" bit -my wife demanded details that I was uncomfortable giving about me sleeping with my friend. i should have continued refusing to share them, and in the future won't make that mistake again.
thank you again.
Glad it helped some.
I think agreements have to be 2 way street.
If wife has this agreement to uphold, and SHE is not holding it up? She's pestering you for data? You could remind her that this is the current agreement. And YOU are going to hold it up and not TMI.
If she wants to renegotiate agreements, that's fine, but not right now. Wait til the weekend. Have one conversation at a time. Not a big pile up scramble of conversations all at once. Waiting a few days to come to the conversation with cool heads isn't going to kill anybody. You also have to check in with the people new agreements would affect if they are ok with it or not.
To me jokes make everyone feel good. Jabs are jabs. They are not "funny." Just sounds like she's mean sometimes. Why do you excuse poor behavior? Could say "Please don't make "joking jabs" about people around me. I don't like those. I don't find them funny. If you have a problem with something, I prefer to talk it out directly."
She's not emotionally honest or direct with you. She insists something is a joke when really it is a problem and only becomes more vicious over time. What's with the passive aggressive behavior? Rather than just dealing with problems up front?
I want to be with people who encourage me to be my best self. Does she want that? Do you?
There's a lot of things about partners we are willing to let slide. We pick and choose our battles. I just think if you hope to do open/poly peacefully, it has to be with people who are emotionally honest, emotionally resilient, and can do conflict resolution well without drama.
Does not sound like your partner has those skills at this time because she's making jabs, not being emotionally honest, and doesn't have the confidence to directly say to you "I thought I could do this, but I cannot. Could you be willing to Close?"
Rather than "just be Open now" could view this as "a series of Openings." Could Close back up again and work on the missing skills. Then try another Opening if you want to try again later.
But nip all this poor behavior in the bud. The jabs, the emotional honesty problem, etc.
If there's a medical reason, sort that out.
If there's missing relationship skills, grow them.
Even if you decide to not be Open any more? Sorting those things out could improve the quality of relationship between (you + her.) Hopefully enjoy each other without all this extra baggage.
You don't sound like you enjoy being raged at. I know I wouldn't.
Galagirl
I think agreements have to be 2 way street.
If wife has this agreement to uphold, and SHE is not holding it up? She's pestering you for data? You could remind her that this is the current agreement. And YOU are going to hold it up and not TMI.
If she wants to renegotiate agreements, that's fine, but not right now. Wait til the weekend. Have one conversation at a time. Not a big pile up scramble of conversations all at once. Waiting a few days to come to the conversation with cool heads isn't going to kill anybody. You also have to check in with the people new agreements would affect if they are ok with it or not.
To me jokes make everyone feel good. Jabs are jabs. They are not "funny." Just sounds like she's mean sometimes. Why do you excuse poor behavior?
Could say "Please don't make "joking jabs" about people around me. I don't like those. I don't find them funny. If you have a problem with something, I prefer to talk it out directly." She's not emotionally honest or direct with you. She insists something is a joke when really it is a problem and only becomes more vicious over time. What's with the passive aggressive behavior? Rather than just dealing with problems up front?
I want to be with people who encourage me to be my best self. Does she want that? Do you?
There's a lot of things about partners we are willing to let slide. We pick and choose our battles. I just think if you hope to do open/poly peacefully, it has to be with people who are emotionally honest, emotionally resilient, and can do conflict resolution well without drama.
Does not sound like your partner has those skills at this time because she's making jabs, not being emotionally honest, and doesn't have the confidence to directly say to you "I thought I could do this, but I cannot. Could you be willing to Close?"
Rather than "just be Open now" could view this as "a series of Openings." Could Close back up again and work on the missing skills. Then try another Opening if you want to try again later.
But nip all this poor behavior in the bud. The jabs, the emotional honesty problem, etc.
If there's a medical reason, sort that out.
If there's missing relationship skills, grow them.
Even if you decide to not be Open any more? Sorting those things out could improve the quality of relationship between (you + her.) Hopefully enjoy each other without all this extra baggage.
You don't sound like you enjoy being raged at. I know I wouldn't.
Galagirl
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Hi chainoffools,
As the old saying goes, "Be careful what you wish for." Your wife wished for polyamory, and she got her wish. Then she realized it wasn't what she wanted. Hopefully she will transition into a more adult way of accepting that, but right now she is making you take the blame for it. That's not fair, it's not even rational. I would suggest not even engaging with her until she has calmed down.
You said you were having feelings for your friend. Now you have to figure out whether you can cut things off with your friend in order to make your wife happy. And the answer could very well be no. Don't cut things off if that's only going to lead to you resenting your wife; that would be counterproductive. I suppose you could suspend things with your friend for a period of time. But be careful about for how long.
Your wife started really acting out just last night -- so it hasn't been very long. Give her some space, and time to calm down. Could take days, could take weeks. More than that and I would start to worry. You need her to cool off enough, sooner or later, to have a rational discussion with her. If she never cools off? If this is the way she's going to act for the rest of your life? Then regrettably, you have to consider divorcing her. But I have hopes it won't come to that.
Sorry you are going through all of this. It does not sound fun.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
As the old saying goes, "Be careful what you wish for." Your wife wished for polyamory, and she got her wish. Then she realized it wasn't what she wanted. Hopefully she will transition into a more adult way of accepting that, but right now she is making you take the blame for it. That's not fair, it's not even rational. I would suggest not even engaging with her until she has calmed down.
You said you were having feelings for your friend. Now you have to figure out whether you can cut things off with your friend in order to make your wife happy. And the answer could very well be no. Don't cut things off if that's only going to lead to you resenting your wife; that would be counterproductive. I suppose you could suspend things with your friend for a period of time. But be careful about for how long.
Your wife started really acting out just last night -- so it hasn't been very long. Give her some space, and time to calm down. Could take days, could take weeks. More than that and I would start to worry. You need her to cool off enough, sooner or later, to have a rational discussion with her. If she never cools off? If this is the way she's going to act for the rest of your life? Then regrettably, you have to consider divorcing her. But I have hopes it won't come to that.
Sorry you are going through all of this. It does not sound fun.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
Shaya
New member
Hey Chain,
This sounds like an awful time for you. For what it's worth, I think you and your wife did all the preparation you could have done. Poly is just like that sometimes despite all the emotional planning we do. You did good to move into poly slowly.
I was uncertain if you and (more importantly) your wife realises that her current turmoil is jealousy. Pure and simple jealousy. Much of what she says and does makes no logical sense - she's just hurting emotionally. The ups and downs are her intellect arguing against her emotions, making her feel temporarily better before she emotionally feels numb and void again. I've been there. I became someone I didn't recognise for about a day or so. I'm sure others on this forum have experienced it firsthand too. What helped me was to intellectualise the jealousy. If intellectualising it isn't really yours or your wife's style, Kevin has a bunch of other links on jealousy that have more to do with management.
The jealousy comes from many places. The straw that broke the camel's back in this case looks like it came from a lack of control over sex. I know she was more upset about the emotions you have for this girl, but to me, it seems as if your vanilla wife has struggled years to give you the kink you want but the kink just doesn't appeal to your wife. I get the feeling your wife feels a lack of control over her ability to do this kink (she can't do it) and a lack of control over restricting you from doing this kink with someone else (your agreement allows sex). So she now asks if you are developing emotions (which you say "yes, I am getting feelings"), and intellectually she is latching on to this as the reason - but emotionally, the reason is elsewhere. Just my thought, and I'm possibly hitting the wrong nail on the head with my hammer. I'm not saying your wife is controlling, but rather, that feeling a lack of control can lead to jealousy and despair.
Hope some of this helps. I would suggest approaching her cautiously with the jealousy stuff. No one likes being told what to do.
Kind thoughts,
Shaya.
This sounds like an awful time for you. For what it's worth, I think you and your wife did all the preparation you could have done. Poly is just like that sometimes despite all the emotional planning we do. You did good to move into poly slowly.
I was uncertain if you and (more importantly) your wife realises that her current turmoil is jealousy. Pure and simple jealousy. Much of what she says and does makes no logical sense - she's just hurting emotionally. The ups and downs are her intellect arguing against her emotions, making her feel temporarily better before she emotionally feels numb and void again. I've been there. I became someone I didn't recognise for about a day or so. I'm sure others on this forum have experienced it firsthand too. What helped me was to intellectualise the jealousy. If intellectualising it isn't really yours or your wife's style, Kevin has a bunch of other links on jealousy that have more to do with management.
The jealousy comes from many places. The straw that broke the camel's back in this case looks like it came from a lack of control over sex. I know she was more upset about the emotions you have for this girl, but to me, it seems as if your vanilla wife has struggled years to give you the kink you want but the kink just doesn't appeal to your wife. I get the feeling your wife feels a lack of control over her ability to do this kink (she can't do it) and a lack of control over restricting you from doing this kink with someone else (your agreement allows sex). So she now asks if you are developing emotions (which you say "yes, I am getting feelings"), and intellectually she is latching on to this as the reason - but emotionally, the reason is elsewhere. Just my thought, and I'm possibly hitting the wrong nail on the head with my hammer. I'm not saying your wife is controlling, but rather, that feeling a lack of control can lead to jealousy and despair.
Hope some of this helps. I would suggest approaching her cautiously with the jealousy stuff. No one likes being told what to do.
Kind thoughts,
Shaya.