If I were a newspaper, the headline is "GALAGIRL." The rest of the stuff I am as a worker, a mom, a wife, a lover, a friend, bi, poly, a gardener, a cook, a knitter... that's just other sections within. Not everyone has to have all my sections. I don't have to share all I am with all and sundry.
So I am wondering...
Why would he even need to come out as poly at work with all the mechanics?
- He planning on dating any of them?
- Are you?
- You planning on bringing your other partners to hang around in the shop?
He also doesn't have to be out himself as poly to speak up when that stuff happens at work.
"Dude, not cool. Making fun of _____ is not professional behavior at work."
Be it gay people, poly people, kink people, divorced people, whatever it is. People come as they come.
That whole business of trying to the the "top dog" by putting others down -- toxic masculinity. Or to bond as a group by collectively pissing on X... also toxic.
And also a unpleasant and unprofessional work environment -- he could talk to whoever he has to talk to about that.
My friend EM told me once "So I'm bi, poly, and married. What am I gonna do? Shout it in the street? For what? Who even cares? I don't hang out in bi people club or poly people club, or married people club. I hang out in knitting, crochet, and book club! Why would the grocery clerk even care to know? They just ring up my grocery. "
I'm with her -- those who need to know. Those who don't, don't.
Even with the real newspaper? I'm glad it's there for others. But I've always just thrown away the sports. Not my deal. These coworker mechanics -- why would
this section of his life be their deal?
I think your spouse has to figure it out -- his own anxiety manangement, his unprofessional work environment, and toxic masculinity issues. You can't do it FOR him. I get that working in an "ugh" work environment takes a toll, so maybe he wants to rethink where he works if that's an option. Or raise the professional bar in his current workplace, talk to his boss, whatever.
As for him himself on the inside? That is his work to do to heal if he has some toxic masculinity things he learned along the way. We learn all sorts of things from Family of Origin, but there's a point in adult life where one could curate and update their beliefs as they learn more new things as they move along in Life.
- Do *I* really believe this for myself?
- Or it this just stuff my parents believed that I just took on board and never really examine or question? Living my life on auto-pilot?
- Have I outgrown this belief or habit or behavior?
- Is keeping this belief, habit of behavior self limiting?
My spouse and I both have fathers who struggle with a lot of toxic masculinity and possessive attitudes towards their partners. My spouse is not that type. He doesn't view relationships as POSSESSIVE. Like... I *have* a GF, I *have* a wife. Like this
thing you own, that's always gonna be there like a sweater on a shelf.
He and I both view relationships as PARTICIPATORY. Which then asks the question of oneself "Am I a good participator in my relationships? How am I relating?"
Cuz it is in the word -- RELATIONSHIP. Implies and back and forth of some sort.
Then being ridiculed and whatever anxiety that triggers... so someone calls him a name or something. Then WHAT? What's gonna happen next that he cannot handle?
Galagirl
. So in short if I was him I’d use or play to their toxic masculinity as opposed to trying to make this a social re-education program. Hugh Hefner made a fortune / empire off the sexual revolution and this same brand of masculinity and it sounds like his coworkers could easliy identify with that AND outside of the creepy age delta and confidentiality agreements and OPP have 3 live in gf‘s is very much a poly dynamic. Technically hef is a forefather of modern poly BUT he never seems to get much credit.
