Masculinizing Polyamorous Men

Have you ever felt demasculinized by other people for being polyamorous?

  • Very demasculinized

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Not at all!!

    Votes: 5 83.3%
  • Ehh, sometimes.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • People are assholes.

    Votes: 1 16.7%
  • Depends on the type of people you are around.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • They're just jealous!

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    6
  • Poll closed .

Fishsticks86

New member
A question from my husband..
He recently expressed his anxieties of coming out to guys around him about being polyamorous because of his fear of being ridiculed for not "being enough" for his wife. He works in a mechanic shop, and one of his old co-workers was poly who faced a very similar problem with the other men in the shop.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
I think men have to confront this by understanding toxic masculinity.

The men I know who have would find this baffling. They'd find it more "masculine" (read: adult) to be secure enough to embrace your partner's freedom without fear that you won't be able to compete. The jock types even would see it as if nobody could possibly compare anyway so have at it!

It's a journey he has to take himself.
 

Fishsticks86

New member
I think men have to confront this by understanding toxic masculinity.

The men I know who have would find this baffling. They'd find it more "masculine" (read: adult) to be secure enough to embrace your partner's freedom without fear that you won't be able to compete. The jock types even would see it as if nobody could possibly compare anyway so have at it!

It's a journey he has to take himself.
Thanks for the response, and it really is! It's his path of healing the toxic masculinity out of his heart. The guys he works with are most certainly emotional infants who feed of toxic masculinity, and it makes me sad because I watch David fight it all the time. I think it's incredibly sexy and strong of anyone to be open in this way, and that it's a more satisfying way to live life.
 

TXretired

Member
We went to a Ren Faire. O holding my left had was Ewe. Holding my right hand was SW. another participant yelled “Man, you are one lucky guy”. Ok, kinda. Twice the chance to piss one of them off. Twice the chance to make one angry. Twice the chance to offend someone. It is never about balance. It is about management.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
If I were a newspaper, the headline is "GALAGIRL." The rest of the stuff I am as a worker, a mom, a wife, a lover, a friend, bi, poly, a gardener, a cook, a knitter... that's just other sections within. Not everyone has to have all my sections. I don't have to share all I am with all and sundry.

So I am wondering...

Why would he even need to come out as poly at work with all the mechanics?
  • He planning on dating any of them?
  • Are you?
  • You planning on bringing your other partners to hang around in the shop?
He also doesn't have to be out himself as poly to speak up when that stuff happens at work.

"Dude, not cool. Making fun of _____ is not professional behavior at work."

Be it gay people, poly people, kink people, divorced people, whatever it is. People come as they come.

That whole business of trying to the the "top dog" by putting others down -- toxic masculinity. Or to bond as a group by collectively pissing on X... also toxic.

And also a unpleasant and unprofessional work environment -- he could talk to whoever he has to talk to about that.

My friend EM told me once "So I'm bi, poly, and married. What am I gonna do? Shout it in the street? For what? Who even cares? I don't hang out in bi people club or poly people club, or married people club. I hang out in knitting, crochet, and book club! Why would the grocery clerk even care to know? They just ring up my grocery. "

I'm with her -- those who need to know. Those who don't, don't.

Even with the real newspaper? I'm glad it's there for others. But I've always just thrown away the sports. Not my deal. These coworker mechanics -- why would this section of his life be their deal?

I think your spouse has to figure it out -- his own anxiety manangement, his unprofessional work environment, and toxic masculinity issues. You can't do it FOR him. I get that working in an "ugh" work environment takes a toll, so maybe he wants to rethink where he works if that's an option. Or raise the professional bar in his current workplace, talk to his boss, whatever.

As for him himself on the inside? That is his work to do to heal if he has some toxic masculinity things he learned along the way. We learn all sorts of things from Family of Origin, but there's a point in adult life where one could curate and update their beliefs as they learn more new things as they move along in Life.
  • Do *I* really believe this for myself?
  • Or it this just stuff my parents believed that I just took on board and never really examine or question? Living my life on auto-pilot?
  • Have I outgrown this belief or habit or behavior?
  • Is keeping this belief, habit of behavior self limiting?
My spouse and I both have fathers who struggle with a lot of toxic masculinity and possessive attitudes towards their partners. My spouse is not that type. He doesn't view relationships as POSSESSIVE. Like... I *have* a GF, I *have* a wife. Like this thing you own, that's always gonna be there like a sweater on a shelf.

He and I both view relationships as PARTICIPATORY. Which then asks the question of oneself "Am I a good participator in my relationships? How am I relating?"

Cuz it is in the word -- RELATIONSHIP. Implies and back and forth of some sort.

Then being ridiculed and whatever anxiety that triggers... so someone calls him a name or something. Then WHAT? What's gonna happen next that he cannot handle?

Galagirl
 

MeeraReed

Active member
What stands out to me here is that even among a bunch of "stereotypical" mechanics, your partner had at least one other co-worker who was poly. That's pretty cool.
 

tdh

Member
So coming from your husband, there could be a few personal question he might want to consider for himself:

1) Does he trust/work around mature people he is around? Going with a no as bringing this up he is worried about what they will say but do they need to know. It should be rather matter of fact in my opinion so if there is no reason to bring it up, then don't. Do their opinions really matter?

2) Does he trust himself? The insecurity has to come from somewhere so find out the underlying fear which could be societal (toxic masculinity as stated above) or a specific situation of people gossiping and saying such things he has judged himself harsly.

3) What is the your poly for? This point of view is purely about sex and male focused not about relationship.

So a bit bias here but I just like all my partners being happy. I don't really care what people might say but I do not always say anything unless it is needed. But have not needed to tell everyone. The few males I have told has took it as nothing, was curious how it worked exactly as they had only knowledge of swinging, or through I was "lucky" to have as many (sex) partners as I wanted. The later I always had to put in check because, for me, it is about equality and relationships and sexuality plays only part of a holistic equation.
 

dingedheart

Active member
I think the situation of how you plan to practice this new dynamic would make a huge difference around the shop.
For example if he reluctantly agreed to poly because you had fallen in love with someone and had chosen to remain mono and was sharing his pain or discomfort during the transition....YES he could be in for a hard time.

HOWEVER....if this is / was a mutual decision based on variety, excitement and thrills then he could very well say it’s true I’m not enough for her but likewise she’s not enough for me and I seriously look forward dating and banging other women.

Im not sure in a highly charged sex positive environment what’s going to be considered toxic and or just very very sex positive 🤣😱. So in short if I was him I’d use or play to their toxic masculinity as opposed to trying to make this a social re-education program. Hugh Hefner made a fortune / empire off the sexual revolution and this same brand of masculinity and it sounds like his coworkers could easliy identify with that AND outside of the creepy age delta and confidentiality agreements and OPP have 3 live in gf‘s is very much a poly dynamic. Technically hef is a forefather of modern poly BUT he never seems to get much credit.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Keep in mind, I am mostly in the closet outside this forum, so people don't have much opportunity to demasculinize me over it. Not that they could if they did have much opportunity; I don't even value masculinity that highly, and wouldn't take someone's demasculinizing remarks very seriously. I don't *need* to be masculine, and even if I did, I am satisfied with meeting my own standard for it. I don't need to meet someone else's standard.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
People love their traditional roles, and they enforce those traditions by humiliating and breaking down those who don't abide by them. I expect it's the same in any demographic, just people thinking that they know the one true way and anyone who steps out of that is a villain of some kind or another.

It's tragic the way we treat each other.

The whole "real man" thing (people here tend to call it "toxic masculinity") covers a lot of ground, and applies all sorts of destructive pressure on the male psyche. The one you are talking about blends the assumption of being tough and impressively virile, with the assumption that everyone is monogamous because that is just how it's done. So a man talking to his unenlightened fellows about non-monogamy is going to get torn down on multiple fronts. You are both a sissy and a freak.

As far as how to contend with this if these fellows are an unavoidable part of life, I lean on:

  • Keeping the details of my situation to myself
  • Presenting the reality with confidence.

I grew up as an atheist in the south, which means I was very careful about what I said when not surrounded by my close friends, so "keeping it to myself" wasn't a big challenge. However, when it did come up and I was asked directly, I leaned on presenting my situation with enough confidence that it was clear that their opinion wasn't a requirement.

People tend to respond to what we give them. When I say "she lives her life and I live mine, I'm not her jailor", I try not to end the statement with a question mark. When I seem unsure and scared of how they will react, I show them that it's negotiable, and that I am seeking their approval. At this point they demonstrate that they don't approve. So if I speak in declarations, I reduce the chance of them seeing that as the opening to tell me what to do.

It doesn't always work, and sometimes I have to correct them to let them know that I actually don't need and am not seeking their approval, but generally speaking it shuts down criticism before it starts.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Thanks, Kevin, good to know that the word still exists. "Demasculinize" is a new one for me (and apparently, for my Mac's spell checker.)
 
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