Maybe I'm not cut out for this...

A

Atlgirlie

New member
I'm in a situation that is making me seriously question if im cut out for poly and my relationship in general. I could use some honest feedback if I'm being overly emotional or if my concerns are valid.

I've been dating B for nearly a year now. We've been open from the beginning. There have been a few dates on his end, none on mine.

Fast forward to about 3 months ago. His formerly estranged, bipolar with psychosis mother tries to commit suicide. She's officially unable to live by herself. He brings her to live with him. He can barely stand her, and it's pretty rough. I really don't like this kind of discord and it makes me really uncomfortable to be in his house. She ends up institutionalized for about 6 weeks.

Fast forward to about a month ago. He tells me that he's bringing a friend/former hookup to live with him, to care for his mom. I ask him directly if he's going to sleep with her. He says probably. I'm really, really not happy with this idea of him living with a new partner. This feels like trying to learn how to swim and being thrown into the dedp end of the poly pool with no lessons. But, he starts things up with her anyway.

So it's been about a month now. I deeply dislike this girl. She has taken large amounts of synthetic weed, that has compromised her ability to reason, remember, and respond appropriately to social cues. (Openly admitted by her) She can't even seem to remember "please don't tell crass jokes about my sex life in front of my mother in law." She's brash, and almost constantly inappropriate, and rude. Shetouches me constantly, despite me asking her repeatedly not to (I'm very much NOT a casual touch kind of person).

I feel a deep pit of anxiety every time I start driving to his house. I wake up crying. This is not normal for me, at all. I am developing feelings of revulsion and disgust towards this person, and it's translating to feeling this way towards my partner. I'm getting less sex, which is not very acceptable to me. But I'm also struggling against these feelings, which makes it really hard to want to initiate more sex.

I feel like I've lost a lot of the good things in my relationship and I really don't know where to go from here.
 
Atlgirlie said:
I feel a deep pit of anxiety every time I start driving to his house. I wake up crying. This is not normal for me, at all....I feel like I've lost a lot of the good things in my relationship and I really don't know where to go from here.
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Perhaps a stupid question, but why don't you break up wth him? Deep pits of anxiety (when there is no ongoing anxiety disorder) are your body pleading with you loud and clear. Why hang onto this relationship with your fingernails when everything in you is screaming to leave? This doesn't sound like a poly problem, honestly. It sounds like your BF has all kinds of issues that you can't even begin to help him with - and all of your warning signals are firing on full blast.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I'm wondering the same thing... why aren't you breaking up? :confused:

You were ok when the relationship dynamic was one way. Then it changed two times over and no longer suits you.

  • He now has his mental health patient mom living with him. They fight a lot from the sound of it.
  • Then he brought in an ex-lover to be the mom's caregiver. (A person who doesn't really sound fit to look after anyone else if they are so messed up from weed that they can't pick up cues.)
  • And he's sleeping with her. I don't know if that means they are back together as a couple, or he's sleeping with his employee.
  • And this woman talks rude/crass to you and touches you in ways you don't like.

This situation sounds weird and uncomfortable. It sounds like you don't like being in it. Since's he's not going to stop doing any of this stuff so you can be free from it that way?

If being in it makes you feel yucky? Sounds like your best option is to be free from it another way: bow out and break up. You could remove yourself, heal from the break up, and then enjoy being free of all this odd sounding stuff and no longer experience yucky feelings from being in it.

I feel a deep pit of anxiety every time I start driving to his house. I wake up crying. This is not normal for me, at all....I feel like I've lost a lot of the good things in my relationship and I really don't know where to go from here.
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Your feelings are telling you something -- loud and clear. That this is not a good situation for you.

If you broke up? You could stop feeling deep pits of anxiety wondering if the caregiver is going to be all "touchy" or talking crass, wondering if the elder is going to be having a "good patient day" or if they are having a "bad patient day", wondering if the BF and his mother are going to be fighting, etc.

If the good things in the relationship are already lost? Why keep hanging around these people? :confused:

I don't know if you are cut out for poly or not. But it sounds like you are not cut out for poly with THIS guy like THIS.

Galagirl
 
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I'm not sure sure that the issue is you not being cut out for poly. Instead, it really seems like this guy and this situation are what is getting you down.

And so I would echo the others and suggest a graceful (or not graceful, you do you) retreat. The situation seems icky and not at all what you signed up for. If you free yourself and put it behind you, then you might be in a better spot to decide whether or not poly is for you or not.
 
Hi Atlgirlie,

I think just about anyone would feel like you do in your situation. Being cut out for poly doesn't mean you're cut out for a situation like this. The others are probably right, you should break up with B.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Atlgirlie,

You and your boyfriend sound (relatively) young, compared to everyone else who has commented on your thread. My advice, along with all those older than you, is probably to break up. But maybe we're just old and imagining our old selves in your situation, since we wouldn't stand for such behaviour from someone our age. But if you're young and you don't want to break up, then... well... young people do stupid things right? Not calling you stupid. I'm calling him stupid. Humans do stupid things. Gotta forgive, improve relationship skills, become better people, grow as a person...

You're his girl, you've got an open relationship, but his choice of partner sounds horrible. I'd suggest to renegotiate your open relationship - he doesn't get to choose lousy partners who can't respect your boundaries. Drugs would be a veto for me but that's just me.

If the two of you are young, then the two of you (and yes, I'm looking at him), need to mature. Poly is not easy, it requires maturity - more than I have apparently since I'm still mono so I can't talk. :) But honestly, the way I see it, the two of you need to mature in your communication and relationshipping skills, as well as boundary setting. Or you could break up and try a new fish from the ocean. Nothing wrong with either choice. The only wrong choice I see is to continue with the same person without actively trying to improve yours and his relationship skills.

Hope you continue to find the forum useful, and looking forward to an update when you're next free,
Shaya :)
 
I'm sorry about your hard situation. And I'm sorry your bf has to deal with a psychotic and ill mother!

I don't think it was the best idea to bring an unstable ex in to help with his mom, but hey, if that was his only option.... desperate times call for desperate measures.

But to start having sex with her just because she's there to be his mother's caretaker? That's a choice he made, and it sounds like a bad one.

By the way, I smoke weed occasionally, and many of my friends smoke regularly, and we don't act the way your bf's new partner does. At all.

If you're not ready to break up with him, the least you can do it stop going to his house, where those 2 unpleasant women are! Have him come to your place for dates.

If you're getting less sex because he's become satisfied sexually with his unstable ex... well! He's not really polyamorous. He's mono and using the poly label as a way to excuse having moved on. :(
 
Shaya said:
Poly is not easy, it requires maturity - more than I have apparently since I'm still mono so I can't talk.)
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i know that you were being charmingly self-deprecating, but it's important to clarify here that while poly indeed requires maturity, it is not a more mature or more evolved relationship model than monogamy. It's just a preference. That you're "still mono" doesn't say anything about your maturity, which seems to be highly developed, judging from the way you participate in our forum community.
 
Hi Karen,

You're right that it was an attempt at humor.

It is of my opinion as well that poly is not a more 'evolved' model of relationshipping than monogamy. Poly does seem to be more difficult though for many people, especially those who have only practiced monogamy for almost their whole life. I suspect going from a relationship predicated on monogamy vows to polyamory or trying polyamory for the first time does require a lot of maturity, That's what I was getting at.

Hope that helps clarify things.
 
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