Meeting the 'metamour'

J

Jaytree

New member
This is my first significant poly relationship and we are excited to move forward and explore the possibilities of our relationship. I'm going to meet his wife and kids this week. They have been poly for a long time but I think I'm the first additional relationship in about a decade due to health reasons that are now settled. Recently, I also began a relationship with another man and I met his partner before I realized I wasn't that into him. So this won't be the first time I'm meeting a 'metamour' (strange term, I feel).

In the case of the woman I'm meeting this week, she has had some reservations about our relationship. She had just had a baby when I met him, so the timing was bad. I have 3 kids, I know how it is. Then there is also the fact that I have multiple other sexual partners (namely, two other consistent fwbs) who I only know on a somewhat superficial level so the argument is I can't really trust them, which increases the risk of STIs for her (yes, I use a condom with all my partners). So, there is a bit of tension, I guess.

I get along with pretty well anybody, so I figure we'll get along fine. I just hope I can impart a good impression. I was thinking of bringing a gift with me... either something for the kids (eg. a book) or something for her (eg. a piece of jewelry from my travels). What do you think?

Is it imposing to bring something from me for them to keep in their home? Especially since she's not thrilled with the relationship to begin with. Would a gift for the kids seem like I'm trying to bribe them? Would a gift to her seem like I'm trying to bribe her?

Other suggestions of gifts or ways to make a good first impression? Thanks!
 
Gifts are a bad idea for kids - depending on the ages, it might be setting them up to think that whenever they see you, they will get a present. You don't know them that well, so anything you might pick could be inappropriate if they are ahead/behind developmentally. I'd just skip that altogether.

I understand not wanting to show up empty handed. Maybe a hostess gift - food or drink as already suggested. Definitely ask about allergies.
 
I second food/drink, and probably a "thanks for having me over" type comment. When someone I am already not sure about for whatever reason tries to gift me or my children things, it does feel like they are trying to buy friendship. This does not change when it is a meta I am not especially fond of (or who doesn't know and does not seem to give a crap about my kids [I might be a little bitter, heh]).
 
Ask if there's anything you could bring to contribute to the evening. Like food, drink or something the kids might enjoy eating/drinking.
Nothing that sits around being clutter, not too expensive, and not "too much too soon" for the stage of relationship you are in.

Galagirl
 
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I agree, hold off on the gifts and at most, if you're meeting at their home maybe offer to bring a bottle of wine or some other food/beverage to share.

While nothing is 100% perfect, if you use condoms with every partner and make sure you get tested regularly, and also hopefully your FWB get tested regularly if they have multiple partners, then really you're being about as safe as anyone can reasonably expect and the risk of exposure is being managed very well. Hopefully just being able to have an adult conversation about it to ensure everyone that precautions are being made is satisfactory enough.

And even though you met shortly after your meta had a baby, at least since you have kids, you understand parental responsibilities, which I would at least think would count for something. Not that people with no kids don't, but if shit comes up and hubby needs to cancel plans due to kid related things, you've likely been there, done that and are less likely to be the type of partner to demand time he can't give or expect him to neglect his family (again, not that a single person would, but if that's a concern she has... well, I think you probably get what I'm saying).
 
Hi Jaytree,

I suppose my advice is, just be friendly, kind, and understanding. If you're going to have a (platonic?) relationship with your metamour, you'll be building it a little at a time.

Another gift idea is to send the metamour a thank-you card (after your visit with her is done). Plus I can see offering to bring a bottle of wine with you, or something like that.

There's no need to overdo it, just be friendly like I said and then be consistent as time goes on.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Just going to second (third? fourth?) the bringing consumables, if anything. Nothing permanent. (Certainly ask him about allergies...and I, personally, would avoid alcohol unless that is something they are into - that being said, I bring "good" beer to EVERY occasion:p)

I'd go with "something-to-try" fancy cheese or olives....(but those are my FAVorites, so I could be biased...)
 
Jewelry is way too personal and seems inappropriate to me. Stuff for the kids, too hard to figure out and seems like over-achieving.

Typical hostess gifts: wine or non-alcholic sparkling cider; cookies, cannolis, or other kind of dessert; liqueur; gourmet olives, cheese, bread sticks, or other snacky food; small token gift like a kitchen towel, olive dish, small bowl, novelty item, etc. Don't spend so much that it seems exorbitant, but spend enough so it isn't chintzy.
 
Great advice everyone! I'll bring wine (they drink alcohol) but food is very tricky with all kinds of restrictions so I think I'll just do the wine. Nothing permanent is a good guideline. And yes, I'll just be kind and gentle, like I think I usually am :) Thanks!
 
Best wishes, I'm pulling for you. :)
 
I'd love to hear how it goes! I hope you hit it off nicely and have a wonderful evening! :)
 
I met her and the kids yesterday. They ended up coming to my neighbourhood and we walked to a playground. I was so nervous. In retrospect, I realize that my nervousness really shut me down socially and I was really quiet. But I knew it would be awkward and uncomfortable so I was expecting it. She is from another part of the world where people are very blunt and honest and a little hard on the outside. I generally have a hard time with 'hard' people, so that added to my discomfort. But there was also all the tension about the possible sti scare (it wasn't, she just had vaginiosis, but the results didn't come back until today). She stuck out her hand to shake it both when we met and when we said good bye. No hugs. We sat on a bench and chatted the whole time while he played with their kids. We didn't discuss the relationship or anything serious. It was just light level conversation stuff. There were some long uncomfortable silences. The kids liked me :)

So, afterwards I felt unsure about it. I felt very unsettled. But he said she had a good time, so I think there was some cultural dissonance with some crazy nervousness on my part on top of it that left me feeling so unsettled.

Sigh. I'm invited out to meet them at their home next time so we can hopefully talk the three of us about stuff. So hopefully I won't be so nervous next time.
 
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It's okay to be nervous. It's a nervous situation.

Glad to hear your first meeting with your metamour was at least okay.
 
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