So, I don't see this particular issue come up much...I feel sad and distressed that my metamour (now ex-metamour) is heartbroken over my partner.
My partner Elijah broke up with his other partner, Arabella, this week. They had been dating for about 7 months, I think. I liked her--definitely my favorite metamour in the 8 years I've been seeing Elijah.
For background, I live about 2 hours away from Elijah, and I prefer parallel poly and thus don't interact much with metamours, so I wasn't particularly close to Arabella. But I like her. She's sweet, thoughtful, smart, a talented artist, and struggling with a host of challenging issues (including disability, chronic illness, mental health, housing insecurity, and family-of-origin estrangement/emotional abuse). She's been dealt a shit hand in life, yet still became a caring, self-aware, resilient person.
Anyway, I was rooting for things to work out between her and Elijah. But for whatever reason, they didn't. Nothing to do with me or poly dynamics, as far as I know.
Elijah was expecting that he and Arabella would come to more of a mutual conclusion that things weren't working / they had mismatched expectations / something was off with the physical chemistry. Instead (he told me later), she was devastated and heartbroken and took it really hard. She said she had been falling in love with him while he had started to pull away.
I know that I know way too many details about this! Elijah has been a sad sack all week and leaning on me for advice/comfort. He feels bad, misses her, has doubts he did the right thing, etc...normal breakup stuff. He really liked her, she did nothing wrong, and nobody is angry or behaving badly. It's just super sad.
This is a new experience for me. For long-term relationships since I've know Elijah, he's had his heart broken twice, and another time he had to end a relationship with someone whose behavior had become problematic. This is the only time I've seen him hurt someone who's really quite awesome.
I should add, Elijah and Arabella and I all identify as relationship anarchists and prioritize remaining friends with exes when possible. I know Elijah really cares about Arabella, really likes her as a person and is hoping a friendship will be possible later.
In the meanwhile, Arabella is posting VERY sad things on Facebook and I am a bit worried about her. She's not doing it to be manipulative. Her mental health is genuinely fragile and she is doing her best to manage it. Because of her family history, she feels totally alone in the world. I've been there and I sympathize.
Not sure what sort of advice I'm seeking...Elijah's relationship and breakup with Arabella are none of my business.
But, okay, what should I do about Facebook? Hide Arabella for 30 days to give it time? Click "sad" on her sad posts? (Elijah seems to be clicking "sad" on her posts, and posting his own sad breakup posts...actually I might hide both of them for a while!)
But seriously, I would like Arabella to know that I think she's awesome and I'd like to remain friends with her, totally independent of Elijah. In her place, I would NOT appreciate a metamour doing that, but she's someone who would actually appreciate that. She has a history of feeling that friends abandon her and she's very kitchen-table oriented regarding metamours.
But, I would feel awkward doing that, and I don't know what to say. I feel very conscious that my life in general is going really well right now. And I feel guilty and weird that my relationship with Elijah is so stable...next month we are going on a vacation to a classically romantic European city...which Arabella knows about...I would feel horrible in her place...thinking of how much she's hurting is really making me sad, darn it.
Actually, all week I've been having sort of flashbacks to my own past heartbreaks and how much they SUCKED.
Ack, I just want everyone to be happy and find the love they deserve!
My partner Elijah broke up with his other partner, Arabella, this week. They had been dating for about 7 months, I think. I liked her--definitely my favorite metamour in the 8 years I've been seeing Elijah.
For background, I live about 2 hours away from Elijah, and I prefer parallel poly and thus don't interact much with metamours, so I wasn't particularly close to Arabella. But I like her. She's sweet, thoughtful, smart, a talented artist, and struggling with a host of challenging issues (including disability, chronic illness, mental health, housing insecurity, and family-of-origin estrangement/emotional abuse). She's been dealt a shit hand in life, yet still became a caring, self-aware, resilient person.
Anyway, I was rooting for things to work out between her and Elijah. But for whatever reason, they didn't. Nothing to do with me or poly dynamics, as far as I know.
Elijah was expecting that he and Arabella would come to more of a mutual conclusion that things weren't working / they had mismatched expectations / something was off with the physical chemistry. Instead (he told me later), she was devastated and heartbroken and took it really hard. She said she had been falling in love with him while he had started to pull away.
I know that I know way too many details about this! Elijah has been a sad sack all week and leaning on me for advice/comfort. He feels bad, misses her, has doubts he did the right thing, etc...normal breakup stuff. He really liked her, she did nothing wrong, and nobody is angry or behaving badly. It's just super sad.
This is a new experience for me. For long-term relationships since I've know Elijah, he's had his heart broken twice, and another time he had to end a relationship with someone whose behavior had become problematic. This is the only time I've seen him hurt someone who's really quite awesome.
I should add, Elijah and Arabella and I all identify as relationship anarchists and prioritize remaining friends with exes when possible. I know Elijah really cares about Arabella, really likes her as a person and is hoping a friendship will be possible later.
In the meanwhile, Arabella is posting VERY sad things on Facebook and I am a bit worried about her. She's not doing it to be manipulative. Her mental health is genuinely fragile and she is doing her best to manage it. Because of her family history, she feels totally alone in the world. I've been there and I sympathize.
Not sure what sort of advice I'm seeking...Elijah's relationship and breakup with Arabella are none of my business.
But, okay, what should I do about Facebook? Hide Arabella for 30 days to give it time? Click "sad" on her sad posts? (Elijah seems to be clicking "sad" on her posts, and posting his own sad breakup posts...actually I might hide both of them for a while!)
But seriously, I would like Arabella to know that I think she's awesome and I'd like to remain friends with her, totally independent of Elijah. In her place, I would NOT appreciate a metamour doing that, but she's someone who would actually appreciate that. She has a history of feeling that friends abandon her and she's very kitchen-table oriented regarding metamours.
But, I would feel awkward doing that, and I don't know what to say. I feel very conscious that my life in general is going really well right now. And I feel guilty and weird that my relationship with Elijah is so stable...next month we are going on a vacation to a classically romantic European city...which Arabella knows about...I would feel horrible in her place...thinking of how much she's hurting is really making me sad, darn it.
Actually, all week I've been having sort of flashbacks to my own past heartbreaks and how much they SUCKED.
Ack, I just want everyone to be happy and find the love they deserve!
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