Metamour doesn't ackowledge me

P

Peachy

New member
Hi there,

I'm fairly new to poly. I am in a relationship with a married man and we've been together for just over 6 months. I think I didn't really know what to expect, but I had perhaps an idealistic vision of me and meta meeting up, maybe having some line of communication. So far, she doesn't want to acknowledge me. I have communicated that I am happy to meet with her through him.
I don't know, to me it seems strange that we wouldn't have some kind of relationship. Of course, I know it is up to her and not about me. But I guess I feel a little disappointed and hurt. I feel completely separate and cut off, probably because I am!
A little more info that might add context. I am solo poly at the moment and she has another partner. I gather that a point of contention was that she only dates people who are in existing relationships. That isn't the case with me. Any insight much appreciated.
 
So it's not about you as a person, it's about you as an idea. Some people never want to meet their metamours - that's frequently known as parallel poly. I must admit, I have a problem with that and wouldn't live it myself. But at a bare minimum, in your position, I'd be questioning what would happen if your partner couldn't contact you because of, say, a bad accident. Who would?
 
Evie said:
So it's not about you as a person, it's about you as an idea. Some people never want to meet their metamours - that's frequently known as parallel poly. I must admit, I have a problem with that and wouldn't live it myself. But at a bare minimum, in your position, I'd be questioning what would happen if your partner couldn't contact you because of, say, a bad accident. Who would?
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Thanks Evie...oh yes, parallel poly. I have heard of this. It wasn't really what I had in mind and to be honest, I am not wholly at ease with this. However, when I met my partner, I also didn't plan to fall in love with him. So here I am. I will ask him about it, that at least, he could pass on my contact details and I could have hers for emergency. I think that seems reasonable. The idea of parallel poly makes me feel a little...sad but maybe because that's because of my expectations.
 
Maybe someone else in his life could have your details in case of emergency. I wouldn't be trusting the wife to contact you if she's dealing with her emotions around an accident.
 
I hear that you'd prefer to meet your metamours. But it's very common to not meet one's metamours.

You said that she'd prefer he only date people who are also in other relationships. I guess she feels like that would make them less likely to want to rope him off and steal him away to be their primary. So she doesn't trust you to "stay in your lane," as it were?
 
Magdlyn said:
I hear that you'd prefer to meet your metamours. But it's very common to not meet one's metamours.

You said that she'd prefer he only date people who are also in other relationships. I guess she feels like that would make them less likely to want to rope him off and steal him away to be their primary. So she doesn't trust you to "stay in your lane," as it were?
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Yes it would be my preference but I don't expect my preference to be her preference.

I don't know if she trusts me or not as she hasn't spoken to me and doesn't know me! For clarification, I'm not trying to rope anyone off or steal them away!
 
Peachy said:
Yes it would be my preference but I don't expect my preference to be her preference.
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For me, this would be my indicator that the relationship with this guy will go tits up the first sign of trouble. It isn't that you don't get along with them (that would be it's own problem) but it's that there is an intentional "head in the sand" response to the fact that you even exist. To me this indicates that there are some control and insecurity issues in that association, and I would assume that I would be the very first person cut from the roster if there is even the slightest bump in the road.

For what I want out of relationships, I would consider this to be a warning flag. It wouldn't necessarily be a "we can't date" red flag, but it's certainly an indicator that whatever we have is built on a flimsy foundation.
 
Hello Peachy,

It seems to me that you and this man's wife have a sharp conflict on what style of poly you want to do. She wants Parallel Poly, you want Kitchen Table Poly. It's also possible that she is acting out because her husband broke an agreement they had that they would only date partnered people. This may be something that the two of them need to hammer out with each other. Just wanting to keep things separate is one thing. Actually resenting your existence in his life is quite another. Is she normally this stand-offish when he has another partner? Just some food for thought.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Marcus said:
For me, this would be my indicator that the relationship with this guy will go tits up the first sign of trouble. It isn't that you don't get along with them (that would be it's own problem) but it's that there is an intentional "head in the sand" response to the fact that you even exist. To me this indicates that there are some control and insecurity issues in that association, and I would assume that I would be the very first person cut from the roster if there is even the slightest bump in the road.

For what I want out of relationships, I would consider this to be a warning flag. It wouldn't necessarily be a "we can't date" red flag, but it's certainly an indicator that whatever we have is built on a flimsy foundation.
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Hello, thanks for your reply. Food for thought. I am not wholly at ease with this state of affairs, just feeling my way through unknown territory.
I guess the question of equality and hierarchy has always been big in my mind from the beginning. In that, I do want equality but not sure if that's fantastical.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Peachy,

It seems to me that you and this man's wife have a sharp conflict on what style of poly you want to do. She wants Parallel Poly, you want Kitchen Table Poly. It's also possible that she is acting out because her husband broke an agreement they had that they would only date partnered people. This may be something that the two of them need to hammer out with each other. Just wanting to keep things separate is one thing. Actually resenting your existence in his life is quite another. Is she normally this stand-offish when he has another partner? Just some food for thought.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Hi there, thanks for your reply. I'm not sure what she wants as I haven't spoken with her. I assume she wants parallel poly as she hasn't made a move to communicate. Yes, my ideal would have been kitchen table poly.
I don't think they had an explicit agreement, as I did ask him. Maybe there was an implicit expectation on her side.
I don't know if she resents me. Only that she hasn't acknowledged me.
Oh this is a minefield!
 
If they didn't have an explicit agreement, then he has done nothing wrong, and you certainly have done nothing wrong. If she is going to act this way, then I suggest you let her pout in her corner, while you enjoy the time you have with this good man. He is not a mind reader, if she has some objection or complaint against him, she can come right out and tell him so. I am guessing she just assumed he would do what she wanted him to do, and she didn't think she should have to tell him.
 
A little more info that might add context. I am solo poly at the moment and she has another partner. I gather that a point of contention was that she only dates people who are in existing relationships. That isn't the case with me. Any insight much appreciated.
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So... is the hinge breaking actual agreements? Like he agreed to only date partnered people? And now he's breaking the agreement in dating you, a single?

Or was this the wife's assumption because that's what she does? And now she's mad at the husband for dating you, a single? Even though she was assuming and never articulated anything?

Thanks Evie...oh yes, parallel poly. I have heard of this. It wasn't really what I had in mind and to be honest, I am not wholly at ease with this. However, when I met my partner, I also didn't plan to fall in love with him. So here I am.
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I read in your intro how this is your first polyship and it's 6 mos along.

It may be you are figuring out what you prefer?

I am not wholly at ease with this state of affairs, just feeling my way through unknown territory.
I guess the question of equality and hierarchy has always been big in my mind from the beginning. In that, I do want equality but not sure if that's fantastical.
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Well, if you decide you prefer not to be doing parallel poly or a very separate V?

You have realized you prefer kitchen table poly? Or a shot at "working toward co-primary" over time, rather than "primary-secondary" model?

I guess you could now out before you get more deeply attached.

Not exhaustive, but some open models are listed in this article.

Galagirl
 
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Something to consider.... if she never wants to be around you, does this mean that you're never going to get to hang out with him around mutual friends? family? do holidays together? You should find out what limitations there are on your relationship's ability to grow, and if you're ok with any possible limitations due to their poly agreements.
 
I'd like to add my experience with parallel poly transitioning to more kitchen-table style.

My partner Pixi started seeing Maestro 7 years ago. Their relationship began gradually, as he is introverted and had not seriously dated before. It started out as BDSM fun, and over time became much more serious.

She always went to his place for an overnight. I barely met him, for years. I had his phone number and he had mine. I met him at time or 2 at the front door. Finally, in just the past couple years, I have been invited to his place for dinner a few times. This extra intimacy was partly because of the pandemic, since M and Pixi and I (and my adult son) were the only members of our quaranteam.

Since M had been working from home, I think he was fine with seeing me and my son for the occasional dinner. He's very nice and not weird at all. He just likes alone time. His job is very stressful and he unwinds best with just Pixi. I never took it personally. Pixi and I would have preferred more kitchen table all along, but we were patient. For the past 2 or 3 years, I have been thinking of him as my co-primary. Pixi pretty much evenly divides her time between our house and his house.

M also did not tell his own parents and brother that he was in a relationship until about a year ago! He didn't want their judgment.
 
I hope I am not overstepping here, but the first thing I wonder about, if a man says his wife is okay with poly but doesn't want any contact, is whether she actually knows about the outside relationship. I've seen enough situations where someone says their spouse is okay with other relationships but it's a don't ask don't tell situation, when it turns out this is not the case. I don't want to derail this thread or imply that something nefarious is going on, but it raises the question of how you distinguish whether a situation is ethical for the meta if you have no contact with them.

(This is sort of on my mind because, as a married man stepping out into the world of dating or relationships, I'm keenly aware of what women might first think when I say I'm in an open relationship, and they might want confirmation that my wife is on board. In my case, R is totally open to contact so this wouldn't be a problem, but if she were not, I don't know how I'd "prove" myself)

Again, sorry if this is a tangent - if it's somehow been made clear that the meta is okay with it, never mind! :) Or maybe I should start my own thread on this...

Edit: This recent Multiamory podcast that might be helpful - they go over the different levels of meta-contact from DADT to parallel to Garden Party to Kitchen Table to Lap sitting polyamory, and the pitfalls/benefits of each.
 
Arc said:
I hope I am not overstepping here, but the first thing I wonder about, if a man says his wife is okay with poly but doesn't want any contact, is whether she actually knows about the outside relationship. I've seen enough situations where someone says their spouse is okay with other relationships but it's a don't ask don't tell situation, when it turns out this is not the case. I don't want to derail this thread or imply that something nefarious is going on, but it raises the question of how you distinguish whether a situation is ethical for the meta if you have no contact with them.

(This is sort of on my mind because, as a married man stepping out into the world of dating or relationships, I'm keenly aware of what women might first think when I say I'm in an open relationship, and they might want confirmation that my wife is on board. In my case, R is totally open to contact so this wouldn't be a problem, but if she were not, I don't know how I'd "prove" myself)

Again, sorry if this is a tangent - if it's somehow been made clear that the meta is okay with it, never mind! :) Or maybe I should start my own thread on this...

Edit: This recent Multiamory podcast that might be helpful - they go over the different levels of meta-contact from DADT to parallel to Garden Party to Kitchen Table to Lap sitting polyamory, and the pitfalls/benefits of each.
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Arc, in my 22 years of practicing polyamory, I have had several instances where a man, married or not, new to poly or not, told me his wife/gf/new potential partner was fine with him dating me (when he actually was not at all sure, just optimistic). It generally comes out after 2-3 dates where things actually stand. And yeah, often she is not in favor. It's not like he was a player, or cheating or lying, he was just hoping...

No matter how closely I question men, sometimes their dicks are speaking to them louder than their actual brains. It's tiresome. I've learned to take anything new dates say with a gigantic grain of salt, and not let my NRE affect me too much. You could say I've become jaded.
 
Peachy, I'll give you my two cents from the perspective of the meta who does not give a shit about their hinge's sex crazed love daddies. First, as stated by other board members, do not take it personally. Her wanting to not meet you may be based on other relationship dynamics with her husband, which do not involve you at all.

My suggestion is to not press the issue and respect her boundaries. You can ask your BF to relay messages to her regarding your want to communicate, but if she says 'no', let it go. Also, you might consider having in place some boundaries regarding your communications with her, should she change her mind.

Would you want her on a group chat with your hinge? Do you want to chat with her only? What forms of communication would you like? Text? Email? Voice? What subject(s) is (are) off limits? Just some things to consider as you move forward in practicing poly.

ETA: another suggestion: use your energy to concentrate on your relationship with your new BF, don't waste it on (perceived) dead ends with your meta. Again, just a suggestion and advice.

Another edit: Red flags. Don't consider his wife's non-actions/actions towards you as red flags (sorry guys, to me, any red flags from the wife should be seen by the husband and wife, not the meta). There were red flags between DAG and Bruiser, but I didn't see them because I didn't want or need to. That's their issue, not mine. DAG and Bruiser broke up months ago, and I don't care or want to know why.

Good luck!
 
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My husbands like parallel poly. They have very little if anything to do with each other. In fact they haven't seen each other face to face or spoken in several years


It does not mean they cannot or would not reach out to each other if something happens to me.

It does not make one secondary to the other.

Hell if Butch decided to start dating again I would not want anything to do with my metamour. I am an extremely private person and only want people in my life that invite in. I have no urge to be forced into having a relationship with anyone just because they are involved with my partner. That doesn't mean I would put any limit on their relationship. Only on mine.
 
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