Hello all,
I am having major issues with my metamour.
I am new to poly, and I met my boyfriend six months ago. We have an amazing relationship, but I'm feeling like we are being impacted by the roller coaster relationship he has with his other girlfriend. Since even before he and I met they have been breaking up and then getting back together practically weekly. They may not speak for two weeks and then all of a sudden she is back.
I have met her once but she does not want anything to do with me. I am fine with this, except she has even sent messages to me after a fight with him in the middle of the night!
It sounds like your bf is way too involved in this toxic relationship with a woman he has known a good deal longer than he's known you. You may "love" your bf of 6 months. You may think he's attractive and lovable. But sometimes our first impressions are not correct. Initial compatibility does not always translate into long term compatibility.
I strongly encourage you to bring a great deal of distance between you and your meta. If she calls or texts, don't answer. Let bf deal with her. And, tell bf to quit using you as a sounding board for his other relationship woes and ills. You are not his therapist. Let his time with you be for you and him, not her and him. If he tries to unload TMI on you about their latest drama, cut him off. If he won't stop, leave the room. If it's all he can talk about when you're together, see him less.
My boyfriend and I have amazing communication. We talk things out and I feel solid with him and understand that he is aware that the relationship is toxic. However no matter how stable and strong we are, the other relationship impacts us. I feel the instability of not knowing whether it will be up or down... it impacts scheduling and I am pretty sick of it.
Of course I'd like them to end it,and finish the up and down, but I know it is not my decision/relationship and I would never tell him that.
Correct. What they do is their business. What you do is your business. What can you do to be less involved in their poly hell rollercoaster? I made suggestions above.
He can go get help about his toxic relationships with other friends, or a therapist. Or by journaling. It is not your role as his lover to counsel him about his other lover. He needs to get help elsewhere.
This is just not giving me peace of mind that this is for me. I am deeply in love with my bf and I don't want to walk away, but I am beginning to wonder if it isn't healthier for me to not be part of the roller coaster. Any advice? I don't have poly friends I can talk to, so I feel lost. My friends know he - and I suppose me too now - are poly, but I feel if I talk about problems with them they won't be supportive.
Yes, your instinct is right. I was once in a similar relationship. My bf hadn't known the persons (in this case, he began dating a married couple) before we met. He met them when we were 2 years in. Their relationship was so up and down, my bf was by turns, NRE crazed and ecstatic, or "broken up" with them and devastated, or doing OK with the guy and not the woman, or vice versa, etc., etc. And he'd unload on me when he was upset and "broken up," and so I'd mention that the next time I saw him, and he'd deny that he'd been having issues with them at all, everything was fantastic. It got to the point where it was like "triangulation," and "gaslighting," and I dumped him because it was disgusting.
I reckon your situation isn't that extreme. You could cool it with bf though. Often it's a good idea to take a break in the hopes he can "work things out" with his OSO, or break up with her, for good this time. Set a deadline of whatever time frame works for you. 2 weeks, a month? Maybe then he'd be more able to focus on her and hopefully come to some kind of resolution that is much healthier for him.
And if they do break up, wait a good while and see if it sticks. Get off the rollercoaster. It's in your power to do so. It doesn't have to be a complete break up, but a decent break. I'd personally question my SO's ethics and boundaries if I saw them in a situation like this. You say you have great communication with bf. Maybe he'll be inspired by your setting of a boundary around this, to get some new ones of his own, in the long run. Good luck!
